Uncategorized – Page 3 – TALKING ON EGGSHELLS

TOLD YOU SO

I know you like when I admit that I was wrong and you were right, at least I try to keep my cool when I’m thrown into a fire, and they go “I hate to say I told you so”, but they love to say they told me so…

I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what makes me tick. I’m finding out that a lot of the things that I feel are caused by repressed anger. And it’s not a great feeling. Depression and anxiety stem from anger that’s buried. Years and years of burying deep into my guts. If I had known that 100 years later I would be in this position, I would have just let it all out while it was happening. The thing is that no amount of therapy or talking it out will change anything that I’m going through right now. Those things won’t resolve years of damage that I’ve done to myself. For some ridiculous reason, I am an emotional hoarder and have chosen to let all of this stuff stick around and eat me alive. I haven’t given up hope on myself, it’s just that I’m tired and this all feels so stupid.

I never realized how angry I was until I started this healing journey. It never occurred to me that the feelings were related to anger. When I think about all of the times that I rage cried and explained to people “I’m not sad, I’m crying because I’m frustrated!” it seems that the writing was right there on the wall. I just chose to ignore it and blame something that seemed more logical. Of course I cry when things legitimately make me sad. But the crying I do when I’m angry is very different. It’s almost childlike. And when I do the mental inventory of all the times that I have big cried in my life, the majority of those times was because I was big fucking mad.

Lately I have been feeling like a walking trigger. Everything is bothering me. Because for so long I have been in this survival mode of making sure everyone else is okay. Making sure that I did what everyone else needed me to do for them while ignoring my own needs and never asking for help. And now that I’ve admitted to people that maybe I’m not alright all the time, they help me and I don’t want it. At least not in that way. I guess I spent my life, unconsciously, taking care of everything just so people would love me in the way that I really needed. Except that’s not how anything should work. And now I’m here, in this very stupid place, and it’s like mentally I’ve reverted back to a child like state where I just want to throw temper tantrums all day. Just like when I was a child and no one cared to listen, I’m still fucking here. And it’s just not okay.

Very recently I came to a huge realization. There has always been this nagging feeling of dread when it comes to taking care of anything involving money. It started off small and has just grown into this absolute monster that has completely consumed me. I am now at the point where it is crippling and making it more and more difficult to function. Anyway, last week something very basic happened, but it brought me to this revelation and I want to talk about it.

My grandmother is 101 years old. I have been taking care of her finances since her 85th birthday. As if handling my own financial problems wasn’t enough, I went and added another person into the mix. It’s my grandmother and want to do everything I can to make sure that she is taken care of, and what’s better than a hyper-vigilant anxiety ridden granddaughter when it comes to finances, right?! Anyway, she has been paying into a very small life insurance policy for the last 15 years and I am the beneficiary of it. Last week, she received the payout for it. It made perfect sense to me… after all of these years of quarterly payments, it’s paid off. They sent her the check, boom, we’re done. So, of course, I tell my mom about it, in passing, just saying I was going to deposit it into her account. My mother asks if it’s a real check. Why would they pay it out? You should call them, what if it’s a mistake? Don’t deposit anything without calling them first. Wait, what?!

On paper, there was no reason at all for me to question any of this. It said on the check stub exactly what it was for. The policy wasn’t some absurd amount that was going to send my grandmother into another tax bracket. It was tiny and she finished making payments on it because she is 100 and fucking 1 years old. So, like a CHOOCH I called them, because I was instantly filled with dread that somehow if I deposited this check without calling the company, that I would find out later that I was wrong, the check was fake and my grandmother was doomed. Fucking why?! I will tell you why. Because my whole life, I have been told to question every single thing when it comes to my decisions. That I am not a trustworthy person, even though I have been handling everything.

This is years of destroying any chance I ever had at believing that I can do anything without outside validation. I can’t be trusted to make big decisions because I don’t know any better, even after all of these years of being a fully functional adult. And the best part is… I have fucking allowed this. Without even knowing it, I have become this robot who seeks out validation for every decision that needs to be made. This stupid check arriving in the mail and the conversation that followed was enough to open my eyes to all of this.

I wasn’t this bad 5 years ago. I guess I’ve just been worn down into submission out of sheer exhaustion. Now that I’m thinking about it, there was a time where I did stand up for myself, but I picked my battles wisely. Standing on my laurels when it came to hills I would die on, and then allowing others to dictate my direction when it was a decision that I wasn’t 100% on anyway. Or if it was something I didn’t really want to do, I could easily shift blame to someone else not agreeing with it and that’s why I ultimately didn’t do it. Nice little system I had going there for a while.

Except this isn’t working anymore. I have zero faith in anything. I have become a shell of who I was, which wasn’t a whole lot to begin with. And now it seems I’m even in debt when it comes to my own self worth. Things are spiraling out of fucking control. And I’m glad that I am aware of it now. It’s just that I can’t let go of the fear and just trust myself. And it’s causing a LOT of internal problems for me. And it’s part of the reason I am in this mind frame now. I don’t trust anything that comes from me. I can’t make decisions about my own life without having a panic attack. That needs to change and I am working on it. This is a huge piece of the puzzle in this healing journey. Because I question every single thing that I do, with zero confidence to back it, asking for everyone’s approval before I do anything, and that is fucking bat-shit crazy.

It’s still really difficult for me to stand by my decisions. I hate giving people opportunities to tell me that they told me so. Because I feel like I have a lot of people in my life that are just waiting to smile at my errs in judgement. And that makes me really fucking sad. It’s not everyone, but it’s important people. And this is just another realization that I’ve stumbled upon that makes me so fucking sad. Because I really want to believe that I have people in my corner, but the ones that share my DNA seem to smirk when I do it wrong. It feels like people are waiting for me to fail so they can scoop me up when I do and show me that I really was never capable. What. The. Fuck.

This is why I have lived with this underlying victim mentality. And it has hindered my growth. It has set me back in so many aspects of my life. Because we all just want to be fucking saved, even if the feeling is unconscious. We just want people to know what we’re thinking without us having to say it or ask for it. The truth is that no one is going to save you. I’m not saying that hopelessly, I’m stating a fact. You have to be able to save yourself. You have to be able to write your story and have faith in yourself, even when you’re wrong. And I need to keep reminding myself of that. This is MY life. And I don’t know exactly where I lost control, but it’s time to take it back. I have to learn to be okay with the commentary that will come. And I have to be able to tell myself that whatever I was wrong about was a lesson and grow from it.

The anger and the sadness that have been consuming my life lately are starting to subside. Things are shifting and I am learning to let go of the feelings and memories that cause me pain. I have to stop associating current situations with the memories that I am harboring that caused similar reactions. When I see it happening, I now have the power to change the reaction. I can’t continue to hold on to resentment from things in my past. And I have to be able to turn those situations around now that I’m aware. Controlling what I can and letting go of what I can’t. It’s an insane process and I guess I better start showing up for it.

There will always be people ready to proudly tell you “I told you so” but that’s a them problem, not a you problem. There’s something a little bit wrong with finding joy in someone else’s mistakes. Again, that’s on them. So this is here now for me to continuously refer back to when I need it. And it’s here for you too in case you need a reminder. Everything will be alright. I need to be kind with myself and understand that life is a balance. Things aren’t happening to me, they’re happening for me.

I know it was another all over the place post, but it’s important to write it out here. It is important that I keep telling myself that my destiny is not to be an angry and miserable person. That all of this is happening now so that I can become the person I truly want to be. And most importantly, I don’t need any one else’s input when it comes to the life that I want to live, so it’s up to me to stop actively seeking it out in order to move forward.

As always, thanks for reading and here if you need me 🙂

throw me into the fire, throw me in, pull me out again, “I hate to say I told you so” but they love to say they told me so…

Song name: TOLD YOU SO/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2017

OCEAN AVENUE

there’s a piece of you that’s here with me, it’s everywhere I go it’s everything I see, when I sleep I dream and it gets me by, I can make believe that you’re here tonight, that you’re here tonight…

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I don’t know what to write anymore. There’s a recent glimmer of light that is creeping in, and it feels like things are shifting, but I still feel a little stuck. I keep trying to use all of the tools and do all of the things that will help me, but then the rug gets pulled out from under me and I fall back a few steps. It’s incredibly sad and frustrating. It’s impossible to go, even, one day sometimes without having something sneak into my thoughts and I’m in tears. It’s really fucking weird. It’s the strangest feeling I’ve ever felt. It’s like this insane emptiness in my heart that hits me from out of nowhere and takes my breath away. No matter how often it happens, it always catches me off guard.

I keep hearing that thoughts manifest. I have some really great thoughts. But there are days where I don’t have many. Days like that are terrible actually. And I get terrified that the terrible thoughts will manifest. And I have a panic attack and lose my shit. It feels like it will be impossible to get clarity and peace at this rate. I am constantly worried that if I get too happy, or even stop being misery girl, for a minute longer than I should, the other shoe will drop and I’ll crumble again. What kind of fucking life is this?!

SIDE NOTE: I hope you don’t read these posts and think that I am not aware of the mental health issues that I’m writing on these pages. I am aware. I am just trying a different approach to pinpoint what is actually going on with me. I have written here before, and I will write it here again, I don’t need anyone’s judgement. If you see someone is going through a hard time, it won’t kill you to be gentle. I have been told recently that I should “find a therapist” and that I look terrible, I’ve lost weight and “you were already skinny, you can’t afford to lose more weight” and that I look like I’m “on the verge of a nervous breakdown”. Please don’t do that to people. Your tough love isn’t wanted or needed in this instance. As a person who has been on the receiving end of those comments, it ruins the whole fucking day and just sends the person into a shame spiral. So just don’t. The only positive thing to come out of your unnecessary commentary, is that the person now knows that you are not a safe space, and they can protect themselves from the nonsense going forward.

So I’m going to keep doing the inner work because that seems manageable for me. I can’t handle more than manageable right now, and I know that. About a week ago, I was looking through old videos on my phone and the saddest thing happened. I found some Instagram videos that I had posted last year around this time and I seemed so incredibly happy. And then I scrolled to a video of me, after everything felt like it fell apart inside of me, and there was no life in my eyes. No sparkle. I honestly didn’t think it was noticeable. I honestly thought I was doing my best to try to be that happy girl outwardly. And it was painfully clear to me that it was gone from one video to the next. Another eye opener…

Anyway, for a while now, it has felt like a piece of me was missing. It got me thinking about happiness and what that word/feeling actually means to me. What would it take for me to be happy? I never thought about it genuinely. I have no idea what that word means for me. In the grand scheme of things, my life was never really about making myself happy. And any time I did something that I thought would bring me happiness, I was told I was selfish. Or I was shamed for it. So I just stopped. I just started doing everything for everyone else and ignored my own needs. And now I’m here, and I guess it’s better late than never, but man what a mindfuck this is. So I know what I’ve been told should make me happy. In everyone else’s recipe for happiness, I have all the ingredients. But if I’ve learned anything at all this year, it’s that I’m not like everyone else and maybe it’s time to figure out a recipe of my own.

Please don’t get me wrong, I have moments that make me happy where I’m laughing and smiling for real and my heart feels so incredibly full. But to be content in life? I don’t know. Seems like I haven’t found that answer yet. I have so much, there’s no reason for me to be unhappy. You have food, running water and a roof over your head. You are loved and have more than most, what’s the problem? When I went back and really sat with myself and thought about this, I realized that I have heard, all of my life, that the people who love me just want me to be happy. But I just noticed that they want me to be their version of what they think happy should look like. When I don’t give people the reaction that they were expecting, automatically I am labeled as “no fun” or I’m told “there’s something wrong with you”. Even when I am giving a good reaction! It’s so incredibly disheartening. And now I know that in order for me to function around those people, I have to be completely over the top with my reactions, because it’s not safe for me to just be me.

This has been the most wonderfully heartbreaking year of my life. May 29th marks one year since I fell apart right before your very eyes. And I’ll be honest, as the date has been approaching, I have been increasingly anxious. Because I thought I would be further along by now. BUT, one year ago, I honestly didn’t think I would still be here to talk about it. And I know that makes us all uncomfortable, but it’s the truth. Every day was a struggle just to get through it. Every day was a struggle just to make it one more day. And yes, there are still some really painful moments, but I’m proud of myself for giving myself the time to process them and try to work through them instead of just falling apart.

My trip to Sicily really changed a lot of things for me. And I’m still processing all of it. I’ve been home for 2 months but my time there still replays in my head every day. Yes, I wish a different version of me had shown up for it, but it was an important part of me finding me. There’s still so much that I can’t even put into words. But I held myself back while I was there. I was paralyzed with fear because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to me that would ultimately disappoint everyone at home. And so I stayed scared when there was no reason to be. Every day I remind myself that I will go back. And every day I tell myself “I was there, and it was beautiful” because it really was. I see it when I close my eyes and I am holding on to all of it. As heartbroken as I am that I didn’t let myself be free, I learned so much about who I don’t want to be.

I appreciate the people in my life who have really been there, even when it was uncomfortable and confusing. I appreciate you sticking with me and being kind, patient and gentle with me, more than you will ever know. You have been my safe space when I needed it the most. Things are shifting in a good way, I promise. I am still trying to put all of the puzzle pieces in their places, sometimes the table gets flipped and I have to start over, but I’m doing it. There might be some missing pieces still, but I know I’ll find them. I am not the same person I was a year ago. And I’m getting to know her and she’s not that bad. She’s just different.

As always, thanks for coming along on this beautiful fucked up journey with me. Everything is fine, and even when it’s not, it will be…

P.S. I used this song today because the band released a new version of it. And it’s haunting but beautiful. And I highly recommend listening to it when you have a moment to yourself. The video is visually pleasing too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrdOg6kI-tE

if I could find you now things would get better, we could leave this town and run forever, I know somewhere somehow we’ll be together, let your waves crash down on me and take me away…

Song name: OCEAN AVENUE/ Artist: Yellowcard/ Year: 2003

INTO THE UNKNOWN

you’re not a voice, you’re just a ringing in my ear, and if I heard you, which I don’t, I’m spoken for I fear, everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls, I’m sorry, secret siren, but I’m blocking out your calls, I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new, I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow you into the unknown…

In the last couple of weeks I have taken some pretty large steps. They felt tiny at the time, but now that I’m sitting here writing it out, they were actually pretty large in relation to who I am. The last 10 months have been an absolute trash fire in terms of my emotions. I have not been able to get a handle on anything. Every time I felt like I was taking a few steps forward, it seemed that not long after I was going tumbling down a mountain only to have to get up and start all over again. Healing is a bitch. And it wasn’t really something that I thought I was ready or asking for, but it seems I really didn’t have a choice.

When all of this started, it felt like my entire foundation had shattered into a million pieces. And if it was going to be my job to rebuild it from the ground up, I wanted to make sure that I did it correctly. So I started digging into the history of my family. If I was going to figure out who I was and break the toxic generational cycles, I felt like it was best to start at the beginning. And when I took that step, weird shit started to happen. I started feeling drawn to one relative in particular. And so I followed whatever leads I could to learn more about her. I kept hitting dead ends. I can’t explain it, but it felt like she was pulling at me to keep digging. And after months and months of dead ends, I decided the only solution that made sense to me was to book a trip to Sicily so that I could visit her town and maybe learn more than I could learn from my computer.

So here I am, writing this, home from Sicily, with no more information than I had before I left. But going to that town felt like something I had to do. It didn’t feel like I had any other choice, I can’t explain it. There was a specific church I wanted to make sure I saw. I’m fairly certain my great-grandmother was named after the patron saint of the town, Sant’Egidio. Her name is Egidia and so that’s the story I’ve written in my head. Anyway, I wasn’t leaving that town without seeing that church. I wandered around, unsure of everything, but when I turned a corner and saw the church I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears started pouring out of my eyes. I knew I was in the right place before I could read the signage.

I stood there for a few minutes and breathed it all in. Honestly, how the fuck was I in Sicily, standing in front of this church? I had done so much research on the town and that church in particular, to be standing in front of it was unbelievable. The gratitude I felt in that moment was overwhelming. Although I didn’t get any other information about Egidia during my visit, just being where she once was felt really fucking special.

I’m going to be honest with you. My time in Sicily was pretty intense. I thought that I would arrive and get settled and everything would go according to how I planned it. I found myself extremely lost in every sense of the word. My nervous system was completely shot. I thought I needed a reset in the form of calm and clarity, instead I got absolute fucking chaos. And that is okay. I learned a lot of things in those moments. If I have learned anything on this journey so far it’s that things never unfold the way that I expect them to. They unfold the way I need them to. And honestly, I have delusional expectations sometimes. I don’t know what the fuck I thought was going to happen there, but all of this that I’m currently sorting through was not it.

I am very aware of my anxiety. It’s like a Siamese twin that I can’t surgically remove. I’m familiar with it and I know how it works. The level of fear and anxiety I had been dealing with while I was there was something I hadn’t felt in at least 25 years. I felt like a lost child and I found out the hard way that I am terrible at self soothing. So that was a big eye opener for me. I never realized how much I rely on others to talk me off of ledges. That is something that I have been working on since I got home.

I had to make a lot of unexpected changes while I was there. Moving towns, hotels and changing flights was my M.O. The nights were very long and lonely. I found it very hard to sleep. I found it very hard to calm down. The amount of dread that I felt, fearing that if I made a wrong move that I would somehow make things worse. It was absolute fucking insanity. I mapped everything out prior because of my anxiety, and everything got turned completely upside down anyway.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, so I’m sorry if it seems that way in context. Being able to go there and take in every bit of beauty that is Sicily was an absolute blessing. Seeing Mount Etna was another really emotional moment for me. The fact that I was able to drive in Sicily also blew my mind. I can’t tell you how many videos I watched to get myself prepared. Driving was the thing I feared the most before I got there, and it ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. I saw almost the entire east coast of Sicily from Catania all the way to Milazzo. How fucking incredible is that?!

The only regret that is still lingering is that I didn’t see more. I am sad that I thought I had all of my demons under control only to find out that they were still lurking just below the surface ready to attack at the most inopportune time. I am angry that I allowed irrational thoughts and fears to take the wheel and drive this trip. Not only did I not have a long time there, but the time I had was not used wisely. The problem was not Sicily, the problem was me and that’s something I’m still kind of upset about.

It’s just the tiniest feeling of heartache that I’m left with. There was heartache to return home while I was there. A level of homesickness that I hadn’t anticipated or prepared myself for. And heartache now that I missed out on so much. Some people don’t even get the opportunity to leave their world, and there I was, in my hotel rooms in these beautiful towns, too afraid to move. It was just a beautiful disaster and I feel really silly about it now.

Again, I know it may not look like it, but I am so grateful that I got the opportunity to go, I just wish a different version of me would have shown up for it. Rather than harp on the regret, I am a goddamn professional at it at this point (eye roll), I want to talk about the positive takeaways. Anyone I’ve spoken to, whether it was during or after, has given me credit for taking a solo journey like this. And I’m going to jump on that train too. This was so completely unlike anything I’ve ever done and I’m going to give myself credit for it. I did the thing. And yea, maybe it didn’t all go as planned, BUT with every thing that made me uncomfortable, I was able to adjust and make necessary changes despite the discomfort. I drove over 200 kilometers, on major highways, through small towns, beat language barriers and stood in the places of my ancestors. That sounds so incredibly corny, but I can’t tell you how fucking proud I feel for doing all of that. It’s very rare that I’m proud of myself for anything, but this feels warranted.

To close out this post, I want to give you some advice. I don’t feel I have the right to be giving out tips and tricks for life most of the time, but these are things I feel confident about. 1. Do it scared. If something is out of your comfort zone, but it’s something that you’re serious about, fucking do it. 2. Don’t let anyone, no matter who they are, dissuade you from doing the thing you want to do because of their irrational fears. I almost didn’t take this trip because of outside chatter and my need to people please. I’m lucky that I have people in my life who wouldn’t allow me to give up. If you need someone like that in your life, I will be that person. Do. The. Fucking. Thing. Even if spite is driving you to prove the naysayers wrong, just go and get it done.

There are currently a lot of open wounds that are making their way through the healing process and I’m going to need a little more time to sort through what I actually need. Making myself a priority has been the most difficult for me and this trip really helped me realize a lot of things. I went to Sicily to find her and instead I found me. A version of me that I’m not pleased with, at the moment, but still. I am meant for more than all of this emotional turmoil, but the only way out is through. I don’t know when, but I will make my way back to Sicily. My work there is not done, but at least now I’m armed with a wealth of knowledge and experience, and that’s pretty fucking sweet.

As always, thanks for reading…

are you someone out there who’s a little bit like me, who knows deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow, don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go into the unknown? where are you going? don’t leave me alone, how do I follow you into the unknown?

Song name: INTO THE UNKNOWN/ Artist: Idina Menzel, AURORA (Frozen 2 Soundtrack)/ Year: 2019

ORPHEUS (Part II)

I’ll show you good, restore your faith, I’ll try and somehow make a meaning of the poison in this place, convince you love, don’t breathe it in, you were written in the stars that we are swimming in, and it has no name, no guarantee, it’s just the promise of a day I know that some may never see, but that’s enough, if the bottom drops out I hope my love was someone else’s solid ground…

I don’t really have a lot to say. I am stuck in a seemingly endless loop of life trying to claw my way out. I am seeing the same patterns repeating over and over again, and I’m pretty tired of it. I keep saying that I want to change. That I want things to be different. And here I am, too afraid to change anything. Like, I am actually terrified of life right now.

It’s because I’m moving into unfamiliar territory. There is so much shit that I’m open to learning about myself, it’s just that I’m scared to keep turning the pages to find out more. Every page so far has made me uncomfortable, but also a little bit intrigued. There is so much that I’ve already learned and I want to keep going, but I allow the negative self talk to take over sometimes. Last night I was exhausted. I put my head on the pillow and every bad thought ever decided to join me and chime in. And I actually said, out loud, NO, absolutely not. We are going the fuck to sleep!

My priorities have shifted but I don’t know what the fuck to do with that information. I still stay frozen in place because stepping outside my comfort zone makes my brain go down the rabbit hole of horrible outcomes and it’s easier just to stay in my lane. I’m so afraid of what people will say if I do something different from the norm. I don’t want to have to explain myself until I’m blue in the face and still get judged anyway. People pleaser and fear of abandonment girl that I am still worries about shit like that. The good news is that I’m finally realizing that it doesn’t matter. If you’re going to judge me regardless, then why bother wasting my energy explaining myself? It’s funny because one of my favorite quotes, I quote it quite often, is “you could be the ripest, juiciest peach and there will still be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” so why don’t I just repeat it to myself a million times a day until it sinks in?

It wouldn’t matter. I’m trying to undo 40+ years of never paying attention to what I need. Catering, happily, to everyone else. Please don’t get me wrong, I love helping and caring for people, it’s just that in doing so I’ve completely ignored my own needs. And now I’m here, and I’m fucking crawling in my skin and don’t know who I am. And that’s a really weird place to be when you’re a full grown adult. Unraveling in front of the people you love wasn’t really the vibe I was going for, it’s kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, January was the longest month ever and feels like February is flying by already. 43 is quickly approaching and it’s further proof that life stops for no one. It doesn’t care what you’re going through, it goes on with or without you. So I’m just doing my best to be present and to keep a positive outlook. Last week, not so much, but I need to move into a better mindset and so that’s my goal this week. I’ve noticed changes and I’m proud of myself.

Anyway, I wish you all well. As always, thanks for reading. Finally getting out of the victim mentality and moving into productivity. Baby steps, but they’re still steps. I can’t give up now, I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I’m always here if you need me 🙂

don’t stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos, though I know it’s blinding there’s a way out, say out loud, we will not give up on love now… no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus, just stay here, hold me in the dark and when the day appears we’ll say we did not give up on love today…

Song name: ORPHEUS/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2019

SAINT HONESTY

so we won’t sleep tonight while we brace against the wind, oh, these hearts, they’re weather-makers, we’ll go where they take us until we find ourselves shelter again… we won’t settle for the silence, we won’t drown in the tears, we’ll say every single word even if we think they’ll hurt, let the rain wash away these tears… rain on us, Saint Honesty, salvation is coming in the morning, and now what we need is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…

The last month has been a blur. I’m not okay but I’m doing my best. I’m still on this mission to heal and it’s killing me. I can’t eat much and when I do, I don’t feel right. The only reason why I sleep is because I’m too exhausted to stay awake. There is an empty pit in my stomach and my heart races 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And that’s just on regular days where there is absolutely nothing going on.

On the days where shit is happening, I don’t know how but I manage to make it through. Just doing my best to make it through the day. I am fine most of the time. But that’s only because this seems to be my life now and I’ve gotten used to dealing with these feelings on a daily basis. I don’t want it to be that way, but I’m too exhausted to fight it.

There is the smallest glimmer of hope that things will change soon and that’s what keeps me going. It’s a tiny twinkle but it’s enough for me. When I manage to control the thoughts and think about all of the good that I have in my life, I genuinely smile and feel grateful. Some people don’t even have that, so that’s a win for me.

The problem with all of this healing is that a lot of shit is making its way out of me. And I’m faced with dusty ass skeletons making their way out of the closet. They make me feel unworthy and awful and creep out at the most inopportune times. They stop me in my tracks and make me want to run and hide. I have managed to isolate myself quite a bit and it’s better that way for now. There is a lot that I can’t cut out of my life or avoid though. And I’m learning how to cope with all of that without feeling guilty for taking the space that I need. Being uncomfortable and angry, but trying as hard as I can to handle it as gracefully as possible. The hardest part in all of this has been waking up to the realization that the important people in my life don’t understand me and might not ever be able to.

If I’m being honest, the most profound realization I’ve come to lately is that I’m toggling between two different worlds. And the longer I try to ignore it, the longer I’ll stay exactly where I am. But facing that fact is scary and makes me feel strange. So I lie to myself or ignore the issues because facing them is scary. This is the only way I know how to be. And it’s not working anymore. And taking that step outside of everything that I know makes me feel all the feelings. What if I change into something that no one recognizes and they don’t like it? Here’s the thing… I can’t care about that.

The problem is that I still very much care about that. The good news is that I’m finally getting to a place where I care a little bit less. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely brutal and it’s unfortunate that there is a bright shining light on all of the things that make me the most unhappy. And I’m not okay with those things anymore. So at the very least, I’m grateful that I’m not turning a blind eye to those things anymore because it’s easier for everyone else. I’m in a really fucking dark place, and being able to see what makes me unhappiest has been a blessing. Because normally I would just ignore those things for the sake of everyone else. And I realize that I physically cannot do that anymore. So it’s a start.

Now I have to really start putting the work in. The work that I’ve been shoving aside for months and months. It’s time to start being completely honest with myself and working through all of this. I don’t want to be sad girl. Sad girl is not my destiny and I know that now. It feels like my soul is crying out and I can’t ignore it anymore. I get glimpses of what life could be like and I need to hold on tight to that and move with purpose. I need to stop getting in my own way. I know what I need to do it’s just that breaking old patterns is difficult. But being hyper aware of it is part of the solution and quite frankly, I’m tired of this shit.

So I will say this much. If all you did this year was survive, CHEERS. You deserve a fucking medal! You don’t have to worry about the amazing year that you see your friends post on Instagram. People are out there living their best lives, and that’s AMAZING! I love seeing wonderful things happening for the people that I care about. But you don’t have to use other people’s prosperity as an example for where your life should be. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

2023 absolutely destroyed me. I’m standing in the ashes of everything that I was. And it’s bleak right now but all I see is a bright future ahead of me. The tears will eventually stop pouring out of me and everything will finally make sense. I know the potential and the strength that lives inside me. And in 2023 I allowed myself to break. But tomorrow when I wake up I won’t give into those bad thoughts or fears anymore. I can’t allow it anymore.

So here’s to better blog posts in 2024. Posts that involve moving out of this very dark place and into a place that serves me and my highest good. A lot of this will be a solo mission, but I have the support I need to push through it. I wish you all nothing but the best in 2024. I appreciate you and I am grateful I get to share this trash fire journey with you! I look forward to the new year and the new adventures ahead.

Goodbye 2023!

oh, we won’t let go, we’ll be soaked to the bone, baptized by truth, we will reap what we sow, build our own higher ground when the rain’s coming down, this is worth it to me, Saint Honesty… rain… salvation is coming in the morning, wait patiently, aiming straight for it, but now what we need, is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…

Song name: SAINT HONESTY/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019

SHE USED TO BE MINE

it’s not simple to say most days I don’t recognize me, these shoes and this apron, that place and its patrons have taken more than I gave ’em… it’s not easy to know I’m not anything like I used to be, although it’s true I was never attention sweet center, I still remember that girl…

The last 6 months have been really hard to navigate. I’ve tried to be transparent here so that maybe if someone else is going through some shit, they know, at the very least, that this place is a safe space. I wish that I could bring myself to write more, but I repeat myself enough around here, and nothing has really changed in terms of how I’m working through all of this. I have tried to remain hopeful and tell myself that this is just a chapter in my book. That I have to get through this so that I can get to the really good part.

Healing is a commitment that I don’t remember signing up for. And I’ve been kicking and screaming through it this entire time. The only thing that has been consistent in the last 6 months is the inconsistency. Every day is a clean fucking slate, like everything I did the day before is just gone. And when the day before was a bad day, I happily welcome the good days. But I really just never know and it’s infuriating.

I have gotten used to sitting with uncomfortable feelings and letting them know they’re unnecessary. I recognize triggers and I respond rather than react. I really have let go of a handful of things that used to bother me the most about myself, and so I’m pleased that at the very least I’ve managed to move on from those things. But the really heavy shit, the shit that I buried for so long, that’s the shit that won’t go away so easily. That’s the soul crushing shit that currently has me in the darkest time I have ever experienced.

I realized that I have managed to find comfort in chaos my whole entire life, and the thought of peace is foreign to me. But I’ve been seeing glimpses of what life could be like on the other side. And I’m not even fucking with you, it looks glorious. But since I apparently only know chaos, when I see the possibility of peace, my brain automatically does everything it can to destroy it. And that’s the part that is really discouraging. I have tried so hard to not let it get me, and have been fairly successful at deflecting it. But it hit me like a tidal wave on Sunday, out of literally nowhere, and I’m too tired to fight it.

I wish that I could give myself the same love and respect that I give to everyone else. I’m just not there right now. I was fine all weekend. And on Sunday I got a strange feeling so I went to bed to lay down and relax. And when I did that, the thoughts came flooding in and the tears came pouring out. Everything was telling me that I didn’t deserve the life that I currently have. That I’m ungrateful. That life has been good to me and why should I think that someone like me deserved more? I thought maybe if I got up and took a shower that I could wash this feeling away. But it only got worse. In the shower I was sobbing. I took out my white flag and gave up. If it is the case that all of this is leading to the death of my ego, it’s not going down without a fight. You win. I give up. And so I’ve been sitting in that darkness and emptiness ever since.

I’m exhausted. I feel like a shell of who I was. I have nothing left. I haven’t made any of this easy on myself at all. But it’s been really hard to keep up with all of it. It’s a constant battle between my brain and my heart. I’m trying to heal and grow and do something more with my life. And I just feel like I will always be sad girl. The girl who is constantly riddled with anxiety. The girl who watches everything happen for everyone else. The girl who can’t get out of her own head and is just watching life pass her by. I really thought that I could change. That I could get to a good place and break all of the cycles. That I could be the person that I see in my dreams. And, right now, I just feel like such a fool for believing that.

Of course when I pulled out the white flag and proclaimed out loud that I GIVE UP, I was immediately flooded with all the things telling me that I can’t give up. That this is the pinnacle of everything that I’ve been working towards. That a caterpillar goes into a cocoon and emerges a butterfly. That a fresh seed must be planted deep in the ground and can only grow in darkness and I’m “right there” and “so close”. And I’m just so fucking tired of hearing that.

I don’t want to dredge up anymore of the shit that’s buried inside. It only makes my life more difficult. I’m tired of being uncomfortable and confused. I’m tired of having to sit with this shit. It’s too much. I just feel completely empty on the inside. And I’m still doing all the things I’m supposed to do, while trying to remain seemingly normal to everyone who knows me, but it just feels inauthentic like I’m wearing a mask. But this uncooked version of me is not something I want to present to the world. And I’m holding on to the parts of the old me that I really enjoyed, that will fit into whatever it is I’m creating. It’s just a lot of shit and I’m tired. So I’m sitting in the darkness. Embracing this seed era of my life because all I do is work, and I need a fucking break.

This isn’t a cry for help. This isn’t a call for people to rally around me and get me out of this. This is exactly where I’m supposed to be and I’m fine with that. I don’t want to talk it out anymore than I already have here. I don’t want to go out and do things to take my mind off of it. I just want to be. I want to do all of the things that I’m supposed to do, I want to come home and play fetch with my puppy and I want to move organically through whatever the fuck this is. I am a good person. And I have been working diligently for the last 6 months to try and fix the broken pieces. I don’t feel like I’m weak for giving into this right now. I feel that despite all my bullshit, I’m going to get where I need to go.

The fact is that I’ve been trying to rush the process. Thinking if I work faster that I’ll get out of it quicker. And I think I’ve completely overwhelmed myself with all the spiritual stuff and I’m in total and complete overload right now. I just have zero drive and I’m giving myself a minute to catch up. Releasing the need to control every single thing and having anxiety when I can’t control things is what I struggle with the most, so the white flag is waving. I have zero fight left in me right now and for the first time in 6 months, I’m okay with that.

I look forward to the glimmers. The moments in the day where I’m genuinely smiling and reminded that I’m loved and there is light even in the dark. I’m grateful for the people in my life who give a shit about me even when it seems that I don’t give a shit about myself. I know that it hasn’t been easy but I appreciate all the support. I know I will get through it, it’s just one of the most challenging times I’ve ever been through and clearly, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing…

I promise I’m fine. And I’m always here if you need me. Despite everything you read here today, I’m still incredibly present for everyone else 🙂

she’s imperfect but she tries, she is good but she lies, she is hard on herself, she is broken and won’t ask for help, she is messy but she’s kind, she is lonely most of the time, she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie, she is gone but she used to be mine…

Song name: SHE USED TO BE MINE/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2015

IF I DARE

if I dare to ask it, then I dare it to be true, if I dare to risk it, then I know that I’m willing to, if I dare to want this, to want more than I have, then I dare to believe
I’ll have it in the end… you climbed the mountain, sent pictures of the view, and still can’t believe when I started climbing too, you haven’t heard that I’m not afraid to fall, that I’m not deterred yet, until I tell them all, I am holding out for more than what I have now, I’m holding out…

I have spent a lot of time here being incredibly negative. And I won’t apologize for it because that was my general vibe and I would be lying if I said I was sorry. I’m not sorry for feeling the way I do. I’m sorry that it’s not different. That it’s maybe not what you would like to see or hear from me, but it’s the truth and I’m too tired to lie about the things that have consumed me.

There have been some really enlightening moments throughout this journey that I really haven’t taken the time to appreciate because the overwhelming sense of grief and sadness has been at the forefront. And it was very easy to go down that rabbit hole because that’s a rabbit hole that I’m familiar with. I know everything that I’m going to see on the way down and I know how to process the chaos. I don’t know how to process peace. I have become so aware of that fact. And believe me when I tell you, I’m working on it. I haven’t felt much peace in the last 4 months, but there have been brief moments and they were glorious. And I really want more of that.

I am currently working on gratitude. Of course I am grateful for everything that I have. It’s the constant nagging feeling that I’m not grateful enough that gnaws at me. I also don’t believe that I actually deserve anything good. That I’ve made enough trash mistakes in my life to never deserve another good thing ever. But that’s not true. I am human, just like everyone else, and we all make mistakes. It’s how we grow and learn. And I have put myself in a permanent purgatory that I need to get out of. I will get out of that mindset eventually.

Another thing I’ve become painfully aware of is that I compare myself to others, A LOT. I don’t know where that comes from but I’m digging that up and letting that go as well. It really makes me feel gross. The anger that builds within me is something that I have to get to the bottom of. That’s some deep rooted shit that I wasn’t even aware of. And now that I’m aware, it has to stop. So that’s another thing on my list of things I’m working on. It’s a fucking never ending list but I guess I’m glad that I am finally making one?

I’m just tired of feeling “less than”. It stems from me. No one is deliberately making me feel that way. There is just no confidence, no sense of pride, no nothing when it comes to the way I think or feel about myself. And I’m really trying to get to a point where I feel okay with being me. I have moments where I feel really good about myself, but they are always followed with this feeling of absolute cringe. Like I just want to hide under a rock for having the audacity to think I was something special, even if just for a moment. I can’t explain it, but it’s horrible and I don’t know how I’ll ever get past it. I have a feeling I know where it started, but it’s going to take a lot of work to eliminate that shadow and as you’ve read here, I’m exhausted. And those cringy feelings often prevent me from working on it further. So it’s just this never ending cycle of wanting to get to a good place with myself and then thinking that it’s stupid for me to want that.

It just feels easier to give up. Of course it does. It feels easier to just give up on the whole process. The idea of loving and respecting myself seems so foreign and unattainable to me and I don’t want to do the work. I want instant results and as soon as I get close to some sort of breakthrough, my self sabotage mode kicks in and I’m right back to square one with the negative self talk and feeling like shit. Again, I know how to process that chaos. Going beyond that takes me to a place that I don’t know and so I stop myself, consciously or unconsciously, doesn’t matter. I just make it stop because what if I change? What if things get better? What if I can’t complain all the time? What if it’s better than I expected? What if I end this terrible loop of self loathing? What will happen then?

The answer to all of this is just letting go of the need to control the outcome. And clearly I’m not healed enough yet to do that. Life has thrown some serious curve balls at me and I’m so jaded. My brain is hardwired now to only be afraid that if I get happy or excited about something it will get taken away. So I don’t allow myself to fully embrace anything because I’m scared that if I enjoy it too much it will get ripped from my hands. There needs to be a shift in my perspective. I don’t know why I hold on so tightly. Clearly if things are meant for me, they will stay in my life. Why can’t my brain grasp that concept?

I will cross that bridge. It’s the only way I will ever get out of the current state of mind that I’ve been in. And although I wasn’t a patient person to begin with, my impatience is growing. I want to get to the good part already. The part where I’m not a fucking miserable bridge troll who can’t see the beauty that is already all around me. Living in a constant state of fear isn’t doing anything for me. It’s killing me from the inside out. And I guess I’m finally at the point now where I have to hold myself accountable and say enough is enough. I have been trying to fight this for the last 4 months and that’s not working. Clearly. The same thoughts just play on repeat and I’m sick of hearing them. It’s just that I don’t know how to do this. My ability to stay consistent with the work that I’ve been doing is non-existent. Like I said, as soon as I see some good changes happening, I stop them in their tracks.

So I have to dare to take that next step. To be okay with whatever the outcome is. To be okay with the possibility of change and just going with it. To be okay with having dreams and working on making them come true, without being so damn scared if they do or they don’t. To sit in the stillness and just exist without all the bullshit. We are changing the perspective this week, that’s the goal…

As always, thanks for reading ❤

when the room gets dark and I am quiet, there’s a voice that’s soft like someone’s silhouette, sayin’ don’t let me go yet…

Song name: IF I DARE/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2017

PMA

time to face up to the inevitable, I guess I might be losing it from staying at home… I dumb it down to jeopardy and late night TV (and I don’t even like it), safe to say I know I’m not the only one, and I don’t have time for all this time I’ve wasted…

Day number whatever. Going on 4 fucking brutal months of this shit. What a ride. I feel like I am just wasting time. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I’m just here, being uncomfortable. All of these feelings and memories just bubbling up to the surface leaving me feeling exposed and angry. I can’t remember the last time I had a day that didn’t involve crying.

I know you’re probably tired of reading this shit. I’m tired of writing it. But this is a spiritual journey, no matter which way I try to slice it. I try to get away from it. I try to run from it. And as soon as I think I’ve got a good lead, there it is breathing down my neck. I use all of the psychological and anti-anxiety tools that I have to try and work out all of the demons. I have tools and I use them, I swear. And if one more person asks me if I have considered going to therapy… sigh… Of course I have. I have been depressed before, this is not that. I would like very much to be heavily sedated right now. Not feeling any of these feelings. Not dealing with any of my bullshit.

Every spiritual thing that I listen to tells me to do shadow work. It’s all in the shadows man, you gotta do the work! So of course I ran to the Amazon and got myself the best shadow workbook on the market. Let’s fucking do this. Except I hate it. It’s like doing MadLibs with all your bullshit. I have tried to give it chance. I thought maybe I’m just doing it wrong. So I watched countless YouTube videos on how to really dig deep and get down to the nitty gritty. And these prompts that they give to get you moving just make me roll my eyes. “When I was a child, my parents did ______ and that made me feel _______.” Stop. Just stop. I know what my triggers are. I know that my inner child is screaming and I’m doing my best to give her what she needs.

The thing is that I couldn’t be more different from either one of my parents. They avoid all the feelings. And somehow they got a daughter that feels everything to her core. My mother is doing her best to deal with my current situation the best way that she can. She doesn’t get it, but I appreciate that most of the time she tries. I try to explain it the best way that I can, but I don’t even fully understand it. We have our moments, but luckily she moves on pretty quickly from whatever bullshit we get into.

And if we want to talk about my fucking shadows, there is my father hiding in plain sight. There is no one, and I mean no one on this planet that I strive to be less like, and I see more of him in me than I could have ever imagined. His lack of love and care have destroyed me and I’ve been working for the last 3 years on fixing everything that he broke. I look in the mirror and I see his face and there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. That man has consistently had one foot out the door my entire life so why was I surprised or hurt when he made his final escape?

I don’t blame my parents for anything. I am an adult and take responsibility for my life. They did the best that they could and I’m not going to live my life thinking about what was lacking. I had a roof over my head and 3 meals a day. It took a village to raise me and I’m grateful. It’s just with all of the work that I’m doing, I’m finding that there were emotional needs that were not met and I’m over here trying to fill up this empty and crusty cup by myself. I have people in my life who are in my corner and love me even when I don’t deserve it. But the shit that I’m lacking is rooted deep in my DNA. This breakdown has been in the works for years. I was always going to get to this breaking point because the trauma is stuck in the past. Until I can successfully move it and let go of the really bitchy stuff, I’m just going to be stuck in this place.

The worst part is that I don’t even care about this shit. Who cares about shit that happened when you were a child? In the grand scheme of things why does any of this matter? For me personally, I can’t see why it’s my responsibility to heal the pain within my family. To heal all the ancestral wounds. I don’t have children to pass the trauma down to. It’s going to die with me so why do I have to do all of this?! How is it possible that I chose this?

I don’t know how or why, but I did. Well, my soul did. And somehow I’m the vessel that’s going to end this shit. The most unhinged person ever born gets to figure it all out. Go figure. I want this to end. There are days where I don’t see any end in sight. There are days where I feel like I will never see light again. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I am far from perfect but I know I’ve done and continue to do enough good that I fucking deserve happiness. I need to know and own my worth. I need to stop feeling guilty about things that literally do not matter anymore. I need to keep reminding myself that this is all for a reason. It’s about learning to let go. It’s about not needing anyone’s validation but my own. It’s about being okay from the inside out. And I’m getting there but God dammit if I ever start feeling normal again, I’m having a fucking party.

Life is a never ending journey and there will always be lessons to learn. This is the biggest lesson and I have to get to the point of at least getting one toe over that threshold. Maybe I have, but it really doesn’t feel like it. And I really hope that some day I won’t feel like this anymore. Like there is a hole in my soul…

what are you trying to fix me for? maybe I’m broken but I’m not sure… am I depressed or am I just bored? apathy and irony, post modern anxiety… tell me you’re okay, yeah what’s that like? rose tinted glasses, that must be nice, doing your best while you die inside, apathy and irony, post modern anxiety…

Song name: PMA/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2021

CALM DOWN

it’s a mad, mad world, trying not to lose my shit about it, in a bad, bad mood, maybe I should take a hit about it, any other day I’d need a hug like a teddy-bear, now the room’s on fire, need to get some air, oh, bless this mess hallelujah, thoughts n’ prayers, so what, who cares?

Happy September. I’m not counting the days anymore. The entire summer was dedicated to being a total fucking downer and I’m really doing my best to stop giving in. Acknowledging the amount of days that I’ve been on this journey is just giving it more power, and trust when I say, it doesn’t need more than it already has. So let’s talk about some things that have bubbled up to the surface…

I’ll start off by saying that this journey is not for the faint of heart. It’s actually a bastard. The path to learning to love yourself is long and hard (that’s what she said). Like, you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sitting with that discomfort is unbearable, most days. Some days I get through it like a champ, just blocking all the negativity and morphing it into something positive. But most of my days have been filled with heavy thoughts that consume me. They make me question everything. And I mean, I guess that’s good? I’m here and I’m doing all of this for a reason and need to figure it the fuck out. So progress is progress, I can’t bitch about it anymore.

There are days when I wonder if this is all just made up in my head and I’m actually having a nervous breakdown. Like how is it possible that I just spontaneously combusted like this?! That one day out of the clear blue sky, everything that I have ever built just collapsed? Well, it was built on an absolute trash foundation of excuses, trauma, guilt, shame, regret and general self loathing. It all had to come crashing down so that I can build it correctly. It’s just so fucking late in the game and I’m exhausted. But, there’s no time like the present and I’m in it now!

I have become hyper aware of a LOT of shit. I don’t know if I was just sleep walking around before, but I am wide awake now. There are things that never bothered me before that now bring general anxiety and unrest. The environments that are a part of my everyday life now put me on edge. I have been going to NYC by myself since I was a teenager and never had any fears. When return to work after COVID happened, things got fucking weird here. And they’ve only gotten progressively worse. The general vibe of the city is fucking nuts and walking 6 blocks to work feels like absolute chaos. Head on a swivel, can’t put the music on too loud so that I can also hear anyone in front or behind me. There are at least 3 people on every corner trying to sell me drugs and everything smells like skunk weed. It’s fucking wild and I hate it. I’m sorry, that’s no way to start your day before you’ve even had the opportunity to caffeinate. I get to the office and I’m wound the fuck up.

Another thing that I’ve learned that has made me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious is that I have spent my life basing my worth on the amount of money that I have. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the women in my family, particularly on the maternal side, are completely fucking cursed when it comes to financials. It’s just this long line of women taking care of fucking everything that we overextend ourselves to the point of financial hardship. It’s fucking bonkers and eye opening and really fucking sad. A long line of women who don’t ask for anything and get no help because it’s just assumed we have got it covered. This particular subject makes me really fucking angry, hence all of the F-bombs I’m dropping, so I’m not going to discuss it further. I’m working on it though.

Finding that my worth is not based on money or past mistakes has been eye opening for me. So much of my identity was built on shaming myself and playing victim to all of the hardship in my life. In hindsight, nothing is that serious. I am one human trying to do it all by myself and then crying about it when no one swoops in to help me. I’ve literally been deflecting help my entire life, so of course no one is going to jump in. I never allowed it. I’m at the point now though where I am tired of working so damn hard. I see people coasting and I’m like how the fuck are you doing that? Aren’t you anxious about all of the things?! They probably are, but do a WAY better job at hiding it.

The general vibe of Earth right now is unrest. I feel like I know a lot more people going through some shit than not. And that’s okay. This is one season that we just have to get through. Flow and grow and all that jazz. Life is really fucking heavy and the world around us is on fire. It’s getting harder to focus on what is important when there is so much unimportant shit constantly being thrown at us from every angle. Just hold on tight to your people. The people who are there for you no matter what. Who only want to see you thrive and vice versa. All of the other shit will fall away organically as you stop giving it space. We are all going through something, so maybe if we all try approaching things with some grace and kindness, things will get a little easier? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, read the room. If you see someone is struggling mentally or at the point of sheer exhaustion, maybe just leave them alone? Just a million little things we could be doing to make it lighter around here.

I’m working on calming down and trying to focus on things that make me happy. Things that make me happy may not make sense to others, but I can’t make that my primary focus anymore. I mean, I’m not going to be a dick about it, but I have literally never focused on myself ever, so I think it’s time. The biggest obstacle that I’ve been having to navigate through is trying to explain to people in my life that the way I currently am should not be putting any sort of pressure or create any upheaval in their lives. But I have woven myself into so many webs that it’s difficult for them to understand and navigate through themselves. I get it. But my primary focus has to be me going forward, and if it affects others, all I can do is apologize. Everyone will adapt. This is life and it changes every single day. And it seems to be that I was the only one getting hit with those changes and tying everything up nicely with a bow. And I can’t do that anymore and that has to be okay.

I always hear that you can’t pour from an empty cup. When I finally looked at my cup I saw that not only was it fucking bone dry, but there was dust collecting in it! I washed it out and we are starting fresh. I am going to ask for help when I need it. I am going to accept help when it’s offered. And I’m going to do my best to not feel like a failure when either one of those things happen. Life can be a real bitch sometimes, and I really do admire the people who can take it with a grain of salt. I’m envious of it and hope to get to that mental mindset someday. For now I’m crawling there at a snail’s pace, but at least I’m finally moving.

As always, thanks for reading. This has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but seasons change and I’ll get through it. There is still some darkness, but the little glimmers of light that are shining through are giving me more hope that there is a way out…

drifting through this fever dream in microplastic submarines, your body is not yours it seems, what the fuck is happening? don’t tell me to calm down, tell me to calm down, it’s freaking me out that you’re not freaking out, don’t tell me I’ll be fine, even if you’re right, it’s freaking me out, don’t tell me to calm down…

Song name: CALM DOWN/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2023

WEIGHTLESS

manage me, I’m a mess, turn a page, I’m a book half unread, I wanna be laughed at, laughed with, just because, I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough… well I’m stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second-hand pick-me-up, and I’m over getting older… if I could just find the time then I would never let another day go by, I’m over getting old…

Day 79. It’s lonely here. It’s self-inflicted loneliness. Most of the time I’m in hermit mode. This shit is really heavy and going places and doing things has been difficult for me. I guess I’m just a giant sponge, unknowingly absorbing everyone’s energy and when I go to a place that’s outside my comfort zone right now, it sets me back quite a bit. I’m at a very strange point where I just feel generally uncomfortable 24/7 and I just don’t want to be around anyone. This is very much a ME problem, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

It’s hard to explain that to people. Especially people that rely on me. Trying to set boundaries when I don’t even know what the fuck I actually need is confusing. I’m trying to make sense of all of it and just can’t seem to grasp on to anything substantial. I try to research what I’m going through and get too many conflicting ideas and it becomes too much. I keep second guessing myself and wondering if this is what I think it is. And so I isolate even more. I’m a fucking downer right now. I’m trying so fucking hard but just can’t get to that point of surrender. Just letting all the bullshit go.

My anxiety is ridiculous. Still not sleeping. Thoughts never seem to stop. It still feels like I’m holding someone else’s energy. Just stuck in one place and crawling in my skin. It sucks right now because I’m in it and I know the only way out is through. Some serious adjustments need to be made in my life and it’s unfortunate that right now I’m too anxious about what will happen once they’re made. Letting go of trying to control the outcome of things will be a step in the right direction, but I can’t get my foot to take that step. I feel like I’m stuck at a broken traffic light and cars won’t stop coming so I can pass. I keep easing off the brake and rolling, but can’t cross the intersection.

I keep saying that I just want clarity, but I can’t seem to clear my head. I feel like I’m creating more chaos. And knowing that I’m doing it to myself doesn’t help at all. It just puts me further into self loathing mode. I don’t want to be this way, obviously. I just feel frozen with no drive to do more than the normal stuff just to get by. And every morning I wake up, exhausted, wondering if today will be the day that I feel better. Doing the grounding, saying the affirmations, reminding myself that I’m here for a reason even if I don’t know what it is. And somewhere along the line it all goes downhill. I still feel like something inside of me is craving that people pleasing validation even though the part of me that is shifting could care less. So there’s this constant battle going on and it’s infuriating. That one half of me that still can’t let go of whatever it’s hanging on to is a real pain in the ass.

It doesn’t help that people keep bringing it to my attention. People I see in my day to day make sure they keep me in check, even though I didn’t ask them to. Letting me know that I’m doing far too much and to turn the happy down. It’s fake anyway, so whatever. Or letting me know that I’m a total drab and that I need to adjust my attitude. It’s constant. Not doing enough. Doing too much. Can’t seem to get anything right. Haven’t been able to find that sweet spot that everyone else needs. I have given people the power to dictate how I should “be” and therein lies the problem. Flashing at me like a giant neon sign. And it takes every ounce of me to just breathe and not react. Outside opinions will often make it feel like personal growth really is impossible.

I’m doing my best today. I’m doing all I can to not let the terrible thoughts about myself consume me. When they creep in, I stop them in their tracks. I’m ignoring the need for validation today. I never realized how much I relied on it until I started paying attention. I’m tuning out the unrealistic expectations I put on others. Sitting here waiting for people to do what I need from them, when I have never actually expressed what I need from them. Riddle me that one? Breaking these egotistical patterns is really hard, but I’m sick of feeling this way and I need to start somewhere. This was another all over the place post, but I just wanted to get this crap out and try to move forward today. I cherish the little glimmers that bring out genuine happiness. And just keep blocking the rest. That’s the goal for today and I think it’s realistic.

As always, thanks for reading. I look forward to the day that I can tell you I made it through this trash fire. Until then…

maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year, and I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere… and this is my reaction to everything I fear, ‘cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t wanna waste another minute here…

Song name: WEIGHTLESS/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2009