Uncategorized – Page 4 – TALKING ON EGGSHELLS

PMA

time to face up to the inevitable, I guess I might be losing it from staying at home… I dumb it down to jeopardy and late night TV (and I don’t even like it), safe to say I know I’m not the only one, and I don’t have time for all this time I’ve wasted…

Day number whatever. Going on 4 fucking brutal months of this shit. What a ride. I feel like I am just wasting time. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I’m just here, being uncomfortable. All of these feelings and memories just bubbling up to the surface leaving me feeling exposed and angry. I can’t remember the last time I had a day that didn’t involve crying.

I know you’re probably tired of reading this shit. I’m tired of writing it. But this is a spiritual journey, no matter which way I try to slice it. I try to get away from it. I try to run from it. And as soon as I think I’ve got a good lead, there it is breathing down my neck. I use all of the psychological and anti-anxiety tools that I have to try and work out all of the demons. I have tools and I use them, I swear. And if one more person asks me if I have considered going to therapy… sigh… Of course I have. I have been depressed before, this is not that. I would like very much to be heavily sedated right now. Not feeling any of these feelings. Not dealing with any of my bullshit.

Every spiritual thing that I listen to tells me to do shadow work. It’s all in the shadows man, you gotta do the work! So of course I ran to the Amazon and got myself the best shadow workbook on the market. Let’s fucking do this. Except I hate it. It’s like doing MadLibs with all your bullshit. I have tried to give it chance. I thought maybe I’m just doing it wrong. So I watched countless YouTube videos on how to really dig deep and get down to the nitty gritty. And these prompts that they give to get you moving just make me roll my eyes. “When I was a child, my parents did ______ and that made me feel _______.” Stop. Just stop. I know what my triggers are. I know that my inner child is screaming and I’m doing my best to give her what she needs.

The thing is that I couldn’t be more different from either one of my parents. They avoid all the feelings. And somehow they got a daughter that feels everything to her core. My mother is doing her best to deal with my current situation the best way that she can. She doesn’t get it, but I appreciate that most of the time she tries. I try to explain it the best way that I can, but I don’t even fully understand it. We have our moments, but luckily she moves on pretty quickly from whatever bullshit we get into.

And if we want to talk about my fucking shadows, there is my father hiding in plain sight. There is no one, and I mean no one on this planet that I strive to be less like, and I see more of him in me than I could have ever imagined. His lack of love and care have destroyed me and I’ve been working for the last 3 years on fixing everything that he broke. I look in the mirror and I see his face and there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. That man has consistently had one foot out the door my entire life so why was I surprised or hurt when he made his final escape?

I don’t blame my parents for anything. I am an adult and take responsibility for my life. They did the best that they could and I’m not going to live my life thinking about what was lacking. I had a roof over my head and 3 meals a day. It took a village to raise me and I’m grateful. It’s just with all of the work that I’m doing, I’m finding that there were emotional needs that were not met and I’m over here trying to fill up this empty and crusty cup by myself. I have people in my life who are in my corner and love me even when I don’t deserve it. But the shit that I’m lacking is rooted deep in my DNA. This breakdown has been in the works for years. I was always going to get to this breaking point because the trauma is stuck in the past. Until I can successfully move it and let go of the really bitchy stuff, I’m just going to be stuck in this place.

The worst part is that I don’t even care about this shit. Who cares about shit that happened when you were a child? In the grand scheme of things why does any of this matter? For me personally, I can’t see why it’s my responsibility to heal the pain within my family. To heal all the ancestral wounds. I don’t have children to pass the trauma down to. It’s going to die with me so why do I have to do all of this?! How is it possible that I chose this?

I don’t know how or why, but I did. Well, my soul did. And somehow I’m the vessel that’s going to end this shit. The most unhinged person ever born gets to figure it all out. Go figure. I want this to end. There are days where I don’t see any end in sight. There are days where I feel like I will never see light again. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I am far from perfect but I know I’ve done and continue to do enough good that I fucking deserve happiness. I need to know and own my worth. I need to stop feeling guilty about things that literally do not matter anymore. I need to keep reminding myself that this is all for a reason. It’s about learning to let go. It’s about not needing anyone’s validation but my own. It’s about being okay from the inside out. And I’m getting there but God dammit if I ever start feeling normal again, I’m having a fucking party.

Life is a never ending journey and there will always be lessons to learn. This is the biggest lesson and I have to get to the point of at least getting one toe over that threshold. Maybe I have, but it really doesn’t feel like it. And I really hope that some day I won’t feel like this anymore. Like there is a hole in my soul…

what are you trying to fix me for? maybe I’m broken but I’m not sure… am I depressed or am I just bored? apathy and irony, post modern anxiety… tell me you’re okay, yeah what’s that like? rose tinted glasses, that must be nice, doing your best while you die inside, apathy and irony, post modern anxiety…

Song name: PMA/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2021

CALM DOWN

it’s a mad, mad world, trying not to lose my shit about it, in a bad, bad mood, maybe I should take a hit about it, any other day I’d need a hug like a teddy-bear, now the room’s on fire, need to get some air, oh, bless this mess hallelujah, thoughts n’ prayers, so what, who cares?

Happy September. I’m not counting the days anymore. The entire summer was dedicated to being a total fucking downer and I’m really doing my best to stop giving in. Acknowledging the amount of days that I’ve been on this journey is just giving it more power, and trust when I say, it doesn’t need more than it already has. So let’s talk about some things that have bubbled up to the surface…

I’ll start off by saying that this journey is not for the faint of heart. It’s actually a bastard. The path to learning to love yourself is long and hard (that’s what she said). Like, you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sitting with that discomfort is unbearable, most days. Some days I get through it like a champ, just blocking all the negativity and morphing it into something positive. But most of my days have been filled with heavy thoughts that consume me. They make me question everything. And I mean, I guess that’s good? I’m here and I’m doing all of this for a reason and need to figure it the fuck out. So progress is progress, I can’t bitch about it anymore.

There are days when I wonder if this is all just made up in my head and I’m actually having a nervous breakdown. Like how is it possible that I just spontaneously combusted like this?! That one day out of the clear blue sky, everything that I have ever built just collapsed? Well, it was built on an absolute trash foundation of excuses, trauma, guilt, shame, regret and general self loathing. It all had to come crashing down so that I can build it correctly. It’s just so fucking late in the game and I’m exhausted. But, there’s no time like the present and I’m in it now!

I have become hyper aware of a LOT of shit. I don’t know if I was just sleep walking around before, but I am wide awake now. There are things that never bothered me before that now bring general anxiety and unrest. The environments that are a part of my everyday life now put me on edge. I have been going to NYC by myself since I was a teenager and never had any fears. When return to work after COVID happened, things got fucking weird here. And they’ve only gotten progressively worse. The general vibe of the city is fucking nuts and walking 6 blocks to work feels like absolute chaos. Head on a swivel, can’t put the music on too loud so that I can also hear anyone in front or behind me. There are at least 3 people on every corner trying to sell me drugs and everything smells like skunk weed. It’s fucking wild and I hate it. I’m sorry, that’s no way to start your day before you’ve even had the opportunity to caffeinate. I get to the office and I’m wound the fuck up.

Another thing that I’ve learned that has made me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious is that I have spent my life basing my worth on the amount of money that I have. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the women in my family, particularly on the maternal side, are completely fucking cursed when it comes to financials. It’s just this long line of women taking care of fucking everything that we overextend ourselves to the point of financial hardship. It’s fucking bonkers and eye opening and really fucking sad. A long line of women who don’t ask for anything and get no help because it’s just assumed we have got it covered. This particular subject makes me really fucking angry, hence all of the F-bombs I’m dropping, so I’m not going to discuss it further. I’m working on it though.

Finding that my worth is not based on money or past mistakes has been eye opening for me. So much of my identity was built on shaming myself and playing victim to all of the hardship in my life. In hindsight, nothing is that serious. I am one human trying to do it all by myself and then crying about it when no one swoops in to help me. I’ve literally been deflecting help my entire life, so of course no one is going to jump in. I never allowed it. I’m at the point now though where I am tired of working so damn hard. I see people coasting and I’m like how the fuck are you doing that? Aren’t you anxious about all of the things?! They probably are, but do a WAY better job at hiding it.

The general vibe of Earth right now is unrest. I feel like I know a lot more people going through some shit than not. And that’s okay. This is one season that we just have to get through. Flow and grow and all that jazz. Life is really fucking heavy and the world around us is on fire. It’s getting harder to focus on what is important when there is so much unimportant shit constantly being thrown at us from every angle. Just hold on tight to your people. The people who are there for you no matter what. Who only want to see you thrive and vice versa. All of the other shit will fall away organically as you stop giving it space. We are all going through something, so maybe if we all try approaching things with some grace and kindness, things will get a little easier? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, read the room. If you see someone is struggling mentally or at the point of sheer exhaustion, maybe just leave them alone? Just a million little things we could be doing to make it lighter around here.

I’m working on calming down and trying to focus on things that make me happy. Things that make me happy may not make sense to others, but I can’t make that my primary focus anymore. I mean, I’m not going to be a dick about it, but I have literally never focused on myself ever, so I think it’s time. The biggest obstacle that I’ve been having to navigate through is trying to explain to people in my life that the way I currently am should not be putting any sort of pressure or create any upheaval in their lives. But I have woven myself into so many webs that it’s difficult for them to understand and navigate through themselves. I get it. But my primary focus has to be me going forward, and if it affects others, all I can do is apologize. Everyone will adapt. This is life and it changes every single day. And it seems to be that I was the only one getting hit with those changes and tying everything up nicely with a bow. And I can’t do that anymore and that has to be okay.

I always hear that you can’t pour from an empty cup. When I finally looked at my cup I saw that not only was it fucking bone dry, but there was dust collecting in it! I washed it out and we are starting fresh. I am going to ask for help when I need it. I am going to accept help when it’s offered. And I’m going to do my best to not feel like a failure when either one of those things happen. Life can be a real bitch sometimes, and I really do admire the people who can take it with a grain of salt. I’m envious of it and hope to get to that mental mindset someday. For now I’m crawling there at a snail’s pace, but at least I’m finally moving.

As always, thanks for reading. This has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but seasons change and I’ll get through it. There is still some darkness, but the little glimmers of light that are shining through are giving me more hope that there is a way out…

drifting through this fever dream in microplastic submarines, your body is not yours it seems, what the fuck is happening? don’t tell me to calm down, tell me to calm down, it’s freaking me out that you’re not freaking out, don’t tell me I’ll be fine, even if you’re right, it’s freaking me out, don’t tell me to calm down…

Song name: CALM DOWN/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2023

WEIGHTLESS

manage me, I’m a mess, turn a page, I’m a book half unread, I wanna be laughed at, laughed with, just because, I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough… well I’m stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second-hand pick-me-up, and I’m over getting older… if I could just find the time then I would never let another day go by, I’m over getting old…

Day 79. It’s lonely here. It’s self-inflicted loneliness. Most of the time I’m in hermit mode. This shit is really heavy and going places and doing things has been difficult for me. I guess I’m just a giant sponge, unknowingly absorbing everyone’s energy and when I go to a place that’s outside my comfort zone right now, it sets me back quite a bit. I’m at a very strange point where I just feel generally uncomfortable 24/7 and I just don’t want to be around anyone. This is very much a ME problem, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

It’s hard to explain that to people. Especially people that rely on me. Trying to set boundaries when I don’t even know what the fuck I actually need is confusing. I’m trying to make sense of all of it and just can’t seem to grasp on to anything substantial. I try to research what I’m going through and get too many conflicting ideas and it becomes too much. I keep second guessing myself and wondering if this is what I think it is. And so I isolate even more. I’m a fucking downer right now. I’m trying so fucking hard but just can’t get to that point of surrender. Just letting all the bullshit go.

My anxiety is ridiculous. Still not sleeping. Thoughts never seem to stop. It still feels like I’m holding someone else’s energy. Just stuck in one place and crawling in my skin. It sucks right now because I’m in it and I know the only way out is through. Some serious adjustments need to be made in my life and it’s unfortunate that right now I’m too anxious about what will happen once they’re made. Letting go of trying to control the outcome of things will be a step in the right direction, but I can’t get my foot to take that step. I feel like I’m stuck at a broken traffic light and cars won’t stop coming so I can pass. I keep easing off the brake and rolling, but can’t cross the intersection.

I keep saying that I just want clarity, but I can’t seem to clear my head. I feel like I’m creating more chaos. And knowing that I’m doing it to myself doesn’t help at all. It just puts me further into self loathing mode. I don’t want to be this way, obviously. I just feel frozen with no drive to do more than the normal stuff just to get by. And every morning I wake up, exhausted, wondering if today will be the day that I feel better. Doing the grounding, saying the affirmations, reminding myself that I’m here for a reason even if I don’t know what it is. And somewhere along the line it all goes downhill. I still feel like something inside of me is craving that people pleasing validation even though the part of me that is shifting could care less. So there’s this constant battle going on and it’s infuriating. That one half of me that still can’t let go of whatever it’s hanging on to is a real pain in the ass.

It doesn’t help that people keep bringing it to my attention. People I see in my day to day make sure they keep me in check, even though I didn’t ask them to. Letting me know that I’m doing far too much and to turn the happy down. It’s fake anyway, so whatever. Or letting me know that I’m a total drab and that I need to adjust my attitude. It’s constant. Not doing enough. Doing too much. Can’t seem to get anything right. Haven’t been able to find that sweet spot that everyone else needs. I have given people the power to dictate how I should “be” and therein lies the problem. Flashing at me like a giant neon sign. And it takes every ounce of me to just breathe and not react. Outside opinions will often make it feel like personal growth really is impossible.

I’m doing my best today. I’m doing all I can to not let the terrible thoughts about myself consume me. When they creep in, I stop them in their tracks. I’m ignoring the need for validation today. I never realized how much I relied on it until I started paying attention. I’m tuning out the unrealistic expectations I put on others. Sitting here waiting for people to do what I need from them, when I have never actually expressed what I need from them. Riddle me that one? Breaking these egotistical patterns is really hard, but I’m sick of feeling this way and I need to start somewhere. This was another all over the place post, but I just wanted to get this crap out and try to move forward today. I cherish the little glimmers that bring out genuine happiness. And just keep blocking the rest. That’s the goal for today and I think it’s realistic.

As always, thanks for reading. I look forward to the day that I can tell you I made it through this trash fire. Until then…

maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year, and I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere… and this is my reaction to everything I fear, ‘cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t wanna waste another minute here…

Song name: WEIGHTLESS/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2009

MISGUIDED GHOSTS

I am going away for a while but I’ll be back don’t try and follow me, ’cause I’ll return as soon as possible… see, I’m trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe, we all learn to make mistakes and run from them, from them with no direction, we’ll run from them, from them, with no conviction… ’cause I’m just one of those ghosts travelin’ endlessly, don’t need no roads, in fact, they follow me and we just go in circles…

I wasn’t myself today. Whoever that is. I wasn’t her. I wasn’t anyone really. It felt like I starting back at day 1. Today is day 65. And I felt completely lost.

Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. It’s hard for me to explain. But it just kind of felt like I was there. And I just tried my hardest to stay under the radar because I didn’t know how to navigate through it. It was new for me and so I just tried to let it ride, whatever it was.

Everyone I came in contact with today made it a point to let me know that my usual cheery, albeit fake, disposition was missing today. Making a very big deal of the fact that I wasn’t being myself. Telling me I need to do better or fix whatever was happening because it was bothering them. I was still being so kind despite all of that. I didn’t react like I normally would. I just wanted them to let me be.

I came to a big realization today and it was validated as I scrolled through my friends’ stories on Instagram. A reel popped up that said “Be careful during your healing journey, some people like you better broken.” That sounds so incredibly harsh, but it’s the truth. This whole journey has been very difficult for me to navigate and I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But the saddest part about today, with everyone pecking at me about how I was in a bad mood, when I wasn’t in any mood, actually, made me realize that when I’m not who I was before I started this, I don’t make sense to them. And it’s not that I don’t still want to be that person who cares for people. It’s that caring about myself has become a priority and that’s weird for all of us.

I have done a lot of work but starting the day feeling like the slate was wiped clean felt like a failure at first. It got a little less heavy as the day went on. I felt a twinge of hope that maybe this was a good thing? I’m always feeling ALL the feelings, so to not have any felt foreign but was also kind of peaceful. I felt like a ghost, with no real purpose. I was just here/there, existing. And I’m not writing this as a cry for help or anything. I know this isn’t permanent and I’ll be fine. I felt the need to write about it because maybe somewhere out there in the world someone else is feeling this and needed to know they’re not alone. I don’t fucking know anymore.

I did the absolute best that I could today. I stayed as light as I could. I even walked away when I saw that I was about to be seriously triggered into a reaction. It makes me sad to think that I did absolutely nothing to anyone, but because I was going through something and wasn’t my normal self, that made people mad enough to keep bringing it up to the point of trying to get a reaction out of me. My unintentional peace, rattled them. That’s not a me problem, that’s a them problem.

I feel like I have always done everything that I’m supposed to do. I’ve kept it together for everyone even when it felt like I was about to fall apart. I’ve done everything that everyone has asked of me. I went through the motions because that was easier than fighting for myself. I was uncomfortable and sad and lost sight of my value. I can still do all the things, but I’m also allowed to focus on myself every now and then. I can’t put on a show to entertain everyone anymore. It’s my fault because I allowed it. And I’m here in this very weird void because of it. I want to give you the real me, I just need to find her.

My thoughts are always coming in at 1,000 per hour and today I didn’t even care. I paid them no mind. They were all trash. They were all ego driven and served no purpose. Half of them didn’t even make sense. The fact that I knew that and made it a point to ignore them is a huge testament to the progress I’ve made. There were no unnecessary panic attacks or spirals today. And the biggest improvement that I saw was that I did not change my behavior to accommodate anyone else, which is something that the people pleaser in me would have done.

I didn’t enjoy today, but I didn’t hate it. And I’m going to use whatever today was as a jumping off point. Because I’m not exhausted from a racing heart or so many adrenaline rushes for no reason. I’m actually doing alright I guess? Today showed me that I actually do have the ability to let things go and start putting the pieces of myself back together. Even if it’s taking longer than I’d like. Even if I have set backs. I have to keep going. There is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel and it feels like I got a tiny glimpse of it today.

Quick side note: lets try to do better. If you see someone you care about going through some shit, let them go through it. They’re not actively trying to ruin your day. They’ll talk it out with you if they feel like it. And I’m not saying we all need to walk around and feel each other’s feelings. But read the fucking room please. If you don’t want to be bothered with someone going through some shit, then don’t. Just walk the fuck away. That’s okay too.

Good things are coming, I know they are. I know that this is a necessary shift for me. I have spent so many days in the dark but I have faith that the light is on its way. I’m grateful that I have the ability to see that now. And I’m grateful for this journey. It’s complicated but so am I. It’s day 65 and I was a ghost. And that just has to be okay for now.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than I can express right now (insert heart hands here).

misguided ghosts travelin’ endlessly, the ones we trusted the most pushed us far away… and there’s no one road, and we should not be the same, but I’m just a ghost, and still they echo me, they echo me in circles…

Song name: MISGUIDED GHOSTS/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2009

SOMEWHERE I BELONG

when this began I had nothing to say and I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me, (I was confused), and I let it all out to find that I’m not the only person with these things in mind, (inside of me), but all the vacancy the words revealed
is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel, (nothing to lose), just stuck, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own, and the fault is my own…

Day 60

I have been consciously sitting with myself for 60 days. 60 days of every emotion you can think of making it’s way out of me every single day. 60 days of being uncomfortable, unsure of who I am and feeling like I’m wearing a mask. 60 long days with no end in sight. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten a little bit better. 60 days ago, I didn’t think that I would make it even one more day. I felt like I had nothing left. I know that’s not the case anymore. Obviously, I made it and continue to make it. I wish that I could say that 60 days ago I was just being dramatic or having a mid-life crisis, but it’s so much more than that. And I can’t explain it, so I’ll leave it at that.

So, what have I been doing? Well, I haven’t had any AH-HA moments or anything. It’s all very normal and seems like I already knew whatever things I have “discovered” about myself, but am finally acknowledging them. I’m realizing a lot of things that I don’t like. Whether it’s about myself directly or the way others treat me. I guess that’s a good start? I had been very comfortable living in a fog of ignoring things so that everyone else was alright, even if it meant that I wasn’t. And like I previously said, I am very fucking uncomfortable as the fog has been lifting.

I have been trying not to let myself be too much of a hermit. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere, that I’m just this awkward puzzle piece no one knows what to do with. It makes me feel strange and out of sorts. I have been trying really hard to talk things out and not let them eat me up. But most of the time I just feel like I’m rambling, not really making much sense. I keep saying that I just want clarity. I want my brain to stop feeling like it’s scrambled eggs. I want to start feeling like a 42 year old woman who has her life together and stop feeling like a lost little girl. It’s fucking infuriating. I just want to get to a good place, a place that makes sense, and some days that feels impossible.

Anyway, I’ve been stuck way longer than the last 60 days. I’ve become complacent and it’s not okay with me anymore. And every single day I ask loudly into the void “Can you please leave me alone and let me go back to the way it was before?! When I was just a doormat and my life was easy?! Please! I don’t want to do this anymore!” And the one thing that has not wavered this entire time is that every time I say something like that, I am shown that the answer to my question is NO, we cannot go back to the way it was before. That I have to keep going on this path, even if I’m kicking and screaming as I go.

I don’t see things in black and white. I see it all in color, or gray, depending on my mood. And I envy the people who can just see black or white. It must be really nice to be able to make decisions based on logic and facts without attaching any feelings to the decision or the outcome. If you’re like me and your heart, not your mind, guides you, we are pretty freakin’ hopeless, aren’t we? I wish that my heart and brain could agree with each other on literally anything. But it feels like there is this perpetual argument going on between them all day every day. It’s not that I don’t know how or have the ability to make logical decisions, it’s that the logical decisions don’t make sense to me. If it doesn’t feel right to me, it takes a lot of over thinking and convincing for me to make the correct choice.

I’ve been working in the shadows of myself. Figuring out triggers and why I react the way I do to certain people or things. It’s all buried in the depths of my soul and getting it out has been, you guessed it, uncomfortable. However, there are times throughout the day where I catch myself feeling some type of way about someone or something and I will actually stop and say out loud “STOP! Who fucking cares?! This does NOT matter!” And believe it or not, that helps a LOT. Because these stupid triggers, which I wasn’t even aware of, are insignificant to the person I’m trying to become. These are things that no longer serve me, and they’ve got to go. So taking a moment to stop them in their tracks has been really helpful. The point is to get to a place of response, not reaction.

The most uncomfortable thing about this whole journey has been realizing that I am the problem. The good news is that I’m also the solution. In this moment, I have no idea what will actually make me happy. Of course there are things in my life that bring happiness with them, and of course I’m grateful for those things. When I say “Happy”, I guess what I mean is what will ultimately get me to the point where being in this awful, negative headspace isn’t the norm. That the goal is to be content always, and when awful, negative stuff happens, it bothers me the correct way and I can feel it and then go back to being content. I’m tired of this end of the world feeling that I’ve got going on. That when good things happen to me, I’m afraid to embrace them because I’m waiting for the negative thing to swoop in and knock me on my ass. I self sabotage and ruin good things because I’m afraid of an outcome that I can’t predict. I don’t want to live like that anymore. There has to be a shift.

I know that I will never stop learning for as long as I live. I know that once I get to a good place there will always be more. I want to keep learning and growing, but getting to that good place where I feel like a whole person is the goal right now. Removing the negative feelings behind every single thing is my primary focus, it’s a poison and it’s unnecessary. And I promise you that I’m trying. I’m going to come out of this a better person, I just need a little more patience and perseverance, and most days I don’t even know where to find those things. I know that we are all a little broken, it’s what makes us beautiful in our own ways. I just need to keep working on healing the parts that can be healed. Anything beyond that will be a bonus.

If you made it to the end, as always, I appreciate you. Thanks for reading…

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real, I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long, (erase all the pain ’til it’s gone), I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real, I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along, somewhere I belong…

Song name: SOMEWHERE I BELONG/ Artist: Linkin Park/ Year: 2003

FREE

sometimes I wonder if I should be medicated, if I would feel better just slightly sedated, a feeling comes so fast and I cannot control it, I’m on fire, but I’m trying not to show it… as it picks me up, puts me down, a hundred times a day…

Day 36…

36 days have passed since my whole world shifted. But who’s counting, right? Been doing a lot of work, not seeing instant results and so I’m frustrated. There are more dark days than light. I cherish the light days and try to carry them with me into the next day but it feels like I hold on to them so tight that I crush them. There are never 2 light days in a row. There are never 2 good sleep nights in a row. The only continuity in this journey is that nothing is continuous. Every day is just a clean slate and I never know what it will look like until I’m in it.

I’ve been working on a lot of things, but I still have these feelings of total confusion and uneasiness at all times. I have nothing to be anxious about currently. I am doing my best to stay present, not dwell in the past or look into the future beyond today. It’s almost like I’m holding someone else’s energy, which sounds absolutely bat shit crazy, I know. I know that I have a lot of unresolved shit bubbling to the surface, but I don’t feel bad when those things make their way out. It’s in those moments where I feel peace, even if it’s only for a moment. It feels nice. Again, I try to grasp onto it, but it’s only a moment. It passes and I go right back to feeling uneasy and out of sorts. And I’m saying that it’s not my energy because I am unfamiliar with these things that I’m feeling. I’ve been anxious my whole life, I know that that feels like. This shit that I’m feeling doesn’t feel like mine. And yes, I’m aware of how crazy that sounds…

Yesterday started off really great. I got to step out of my mind at an art exhibit. It’s nice to sit and enjoy something that takes over the majority of your senses and quiets the internal chaos. And I’ve been trying to do more things like that because they bring me peace. By the time the afternoon had rolled around, everything I experienced earlier in the day felt like a very distant memory. I kept trying to remind myself what it felt like and that I took videos of my favorite parts so that I could go there whenever I wanted to. But the problem is, when I get these really weird feelings, I freeze. It’s almost like I forget how to just be. Everything feels wrong and the desire to make it right is nonexistent.

I was going to visit with my grandmother and I remember saying, out loud in my car before I got out, “Please leave me alone while I visit my grandmother. Please just give me 30 minutes of peace.” I was not granted 30 minutes of peace, maybe 5, tops. When I got home I did my best to keep those weird feelings at bay. I spent time with my husband and puppy and watched shows and talked about things that made me happy. As much as I try to get away from this whole thing and proclaim, with the utmost confidence, that I am done and that I don’t want to be on this journey anymore, the universe always manages to send me signs to keep going. I feel gratitude and resentment at the same time.

There is still so much I need to fix and I’m exhausted. I gave myself one goal this past weekend: to find a tiny box where I kept my most important jewelry. I have been periodically looking for it for months and trying not to freak out about it, I knew it was in my house somewhere. I hid it too well I guess. Anyway, Saturday hit the peak of “absolutely freak out about it mode” and I was inconsolable. My husband didn’t know how to help me. I was furious with myself for being so mixed up lately that I couldn’t remember where I hid a box that had my grandmother’s ring in it. I gave up and sat in the living room feeling sorry for myself. My husband called me into the bedroom a few minutes later. Poor guy, I don’t know how he deals with me. But he looked in the one spot I didn’t think to look and found the box. And I immediately hugged him and broke down in happy tears. And the reason why I put it there came back to me immediately and I felt so stupid that I let myself spiral the way I did. I got to the point where I was freaking out so much that I couldn’t even think straight. Thank God my husband still had his wits about him and saved the day.

It’s hard for me to put into words all the shit that I’m going through. And I’m sorry that these posts have been a little cuckoo bananas lately. It’s more than I can handle right now, but somehow I’m handling it. And I have no idea if I’m even doing the right things but I’m doing my best. There is still so much that I don’t understand. Some days I’m really eager to learn, and other days I feel like I’ll never be able to move forward. Everything still feels so unstable and I just want some clarity. I have to trust that if I keep doing the work, it will come. It still feels so selfish to me to take time and take care of myself, but it also feels like I don’t have a choice. Every time I try to ignore it, it pulls me back in.

I am trying to walk through this thing with as much grace as possible. I’m trying so hard to get to the bottom of it so that I can stop feeling this way. This is some soul level shit that I’ve never dealt with before and I’m just trying to deal with it as gracefully as possible. I know this is a very weird and different thing for most people to understand, so I don’t want to scare anyone away. And I really do appreciate the amount of support that I’ve gotten during this time. I don’t know how much longer this will go on, but I don’t want wear out my welcome so I mostly keep to myself about all of it.

Anyway, I’m good, I promise. I hate this journey right now but I’m grateful for it. I know that it’s leading me to be the best version of myself and that I need to approach it with more patience. I will get there. If you made it to the end, I appreciate it very much. If you don’t mind coming along for this wild ride, I’m happy to share it…

but I hear the music, I feel the beat, and for a moment, when I’m dancing, I am free…

Song name: FREE/ Artist: Florence + the Machine/ Year: 2022

FEBRUARY SEVEN

I went on the search for something real, traded what I know for how I feel, but the ceiling and the walls collapsed, upon the darkness I was trapped, and as the last of breath was drawn from me, light broke in and brought me to my feet…

I’m going through something that’s very hard to describe or explain. But most mornings I wake up in a panic. Completely overwhelmed and in the fetal position. UPON WAKING UP. And I let myself sit with that panic for a little bit. Sobbing with hot tears pouring out of my eyes and unable to get a steady breath going. It scares me a little bit because, in those moments, I don’t know what to do. I get myself out of it eventually, but those moments knock the wind out of me. I’ve been all over the place lately and I am finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together to understand why. I can’t quite put it into words right now, so I’m not going to try to explain it and sound even crazier. It’s called Dark Night of the Soul. Google it and you might get a small glimpse into what I’m currently dealing with.

There is a hole in my soul and I’m trying to fix it. And I have to start with self love. I don’t know if you have taken the time to read most of the posts in this self loathing blog, but my self love isn’t even par. It’s sub sub sub par. Maybe even rock bottom. And I’ve given myself nothing but excuses my whole life. Always walking around like a Debbie downer. Well not always, but enough times for me to notice. Fuck, this whole blog is just one giant downer lately. About how I’ve been struggling and blah blah blah. I’m over it. And I’m going through it right now and I’m actually trying to work on it because I can’t continue living like this.

So, most days, I’m diving in, head first, when I’m not sobbing my eyes out. I’m aware that there’s no more time for games. No more being complacent. No more nonsense. Gotta shed this destructive ego of mine. It’s not doing me any good. It makes me feel battered and bruised when no one even laid a finger on me. It makes me think things that aren’t real. It has me searching for validation in places where I won’t get it. It lets me believe that I’m the victim when I’m so far from that it’s not even funny. I have all the things I need and then some. And I feel so silly that I’ve behaved this way for as long as I have.

The last 20 days have been absolutely brutal. Like, really really brutal. Unbearable. I had no idea why at first. And then I talked it out with my spiritual goddess and I felt so validated but so silly. Everything that I’ve been working on the last few years may finally have reached its pinnacle. And I’m really fucking uncomfortable. And I’m sitting with my thoughts and I fucking hate it. But this is apparently what I need to do so that I can become the person I’m supposed to be. I have been giving myself excuses my whole entire life. I have been so horrible to myself. I have been taught that I shouldn’t be a priority. And look at where it got me. It got me exactly to the place I’m supposed to be. And honestly, these last 20 days have been a rollercoaster that I just want to get the fuck off of already.

The days feel longer and longer. I’m still not sleeping as much as I should. My dreams are vivid and weird. It feels empty inside my body. Like I don’t have a heart. But then, a bad thought creeps in and my heart makes me painfully aware that it is, in fact, very much there and it is not okay. I question everything and wonder if I’ll make it through whatever this is. And I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking that I should probably see a mental health professional as soon as possible. And I will tell you that it’s a no for me. I can’t even begin to describe what I’m going through, nor do I want to discuss it with someone who is going to prescribe me medication that I’ve already taken that didn’t work. I promise you that I am aware of what is going on, I haven’t gone crazy and medicating me will not help right now.

Yesterday I was over all of it. I said, out loud, to the universe, spirit, God, whatever you choose, that I was done. That I wish you would just leave me alone. That I’m not cut out for this shit and that I’m fine being who I was before I started exploring spirituality. That I don’t care about my intuition or my purpose here on earth. That I just want to coast for the rest of my life doing whatever it is that everyone else needs me to do for them. I was frantically waving the white flag. And then something really weird happened. I went on YouTube, like I’ve been obsessively doing these last 20 days trying to make sense of what the fuck I’m going through, and this video came up. It was a tarot reading from someone I’ve never seen before. And it said Pisces in the title, and I’m a Pisces, so I clicked on it. And the message through the entire hour was “you can not give up. You have to do what you were born to do.” And there was so much more mind blowing shit that happened in this one hour video and I understood that the video was there for me to see. And that maybe I should try to use what resonates, even though I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.

The bottom line is that I need to heal and let go. Like, really let go. Anything that is harmful to me needs to go. The horrible thoughts about myself. The bullshit family trauma. The shame. The guilt. And most importantly, my very harmful ego. Until I shed that destructive layer, nothing will make sense. I’m here for a reason and I am finally starting to believe that everything that has made its way into and out of my life has a purpose. And I need to stop feeling like these things are happening TO me. I need to start believing that they are happening FOR me. And I know that sounds insane, but it’s all I’ve got right now. This whole thing has changed me in a way I never expected. I can map out everything that got me to this point like some crazy Good Will Hunting unsolvable math equation and it’s fucking wild.

I’m fucking exhausted but my eyes will not close. And it’s infuriating. I feel alone but do not want anyone’s help. I don’t want to bring anyone down into the darkness with me. So I keep it light. Everything I’m doing on the outside does NOT reflect what I’m feeling on the inside. Inside I am a fucking mess. I feel lost, hopeless, broken and sad but I’m doing my best. And even though the bad moments are currently outweighing the good, those good little moments have been helping me through. I promise I’m going to make it out of this darkness. This is a road I never saw myself traveling but I’m going to make it through. If you see me in real life, I promise I’m okay. I’m just going through it. I’m in it and it fucking sucks. So don’t ask me if I’m okay. Just talk to me about all of the good shit you’ve got going on in your life. I’m not okay, but I will be. I am, after all, a magical fucking unicorn.

If you made it to the end of this post, I appreciate you. I know it seems like I’m in the upside down, and I probably am a little bit, but I got this. And if you need me, despite everything you just read, I’m always here for you…

there’s no fortune at the end of the road that has no end, there’s no returning to the spoils once you’ve spoiled the thought of them, there’s no falling back to sleep once you’ve awakened from the dream, now I’m rested and I’m ready, I’m rested and I’m ready to begin…

Song name: FEBRUARY SEVEN/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2012

MIXED UP MIXTAPE

This has been an excruciating week. I’m dealing with some really heavy, soul crushing shit right now and I’m doing my fucking best. I’m doing the work, I promise, but I can’t tell you who I’ll be from one minute to the next. So today, this post is going to be a little different than my usual sad sack bullshit. Since things are currently so freakin’ heavy in my soul, I’m going to try to keep it light. I’m going to share some of the songs, and lyrics, that are on repeat in my earbuds that have helped me come out of the dark and heavy moments that feel unbearable…

Uncharted – Sara Bareilles – “but I’m so low, never knew how much I didn’t know, everything is uncharted…”

Calm Down – All Time Low – “everything’s fine if you pretend, bless this mess, hallelujah, but I’m about to lose it…”

Laundry Room – The Avett Brothers – “I am a breathing time machine…”

Mirrors – Justin Timberlake – “I can’t ever change without you, you reflect me, I love that about you…”

Easy on Me – Adele – “I know there is hope in these waters but I can’t bring myself to swim when I m drowning in this silence…”

Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen – No lyrics necessary here, I mean…

Dark Side – Kelly Clarkson – “Please remind me who I really am…”

Tell Me I’m Alive – All Time Low – “I‘m messy, I’m reckless, I fuck shit up for breakfast…”

Kings and Queens – 30 Seconds to Mars – “The age of man is over, a darkness comes at dawn, these lessons that we’ve learned here have only just begun…”

Souls Like the Wheels – The Avett Brothers – “One little song, give me strength to leave the sad and the wrong, bury safely in the past where I’ve been living, alive but unforgiving…”

Shake It Out – Florence + the Machine – “And it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off…”

The Ballad of Mona Lisa – Panic! at the Disco – “Whoa, Mona Lisa, you’re guaranteed to run this town…”

Let Go – Frou Frou – “So let go, jump in, oh whatcha waiting for? it’s alright, ’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown…”

We Are Young – FUN. – “We can burn brighter than the sun…”

Do or Die – 30 Seconds to Mars – “Here and now, under the banner of heaven we dream out loud…”

When We Are Together – The 1975 – “The only time I feel I might get better is when we are together…”

Under Pressure – Queen & David Bowie – “Chipping around, kick my brains around the floor, these are the days it never rains, but it pours…”

Don’t Worry – The 1975 – “When the pain flows through your heart and your bones, don’t worry darlin’ ’cause I’m here with you, don’t worry darlin’ the sun will shine through…”

As I’m typing this out I realize that maybe most of these are total downers? But like, you know when you just feel like shit and want to cry it out? I guess that’s what really helps me? Anyway, I’ll share some of the bops with you too. I’m not a total puddle of tears 24/7! I’m not sharing lyrics of these – just listen to them and dance!

A Party Ain’t A Party – Queen Pen

Time of Our Lives – Pitbull & Ne-Yo

Big Energy (Remix) – Latto & Mariah Carey

Shake Your Rump – Beastie Boys

Check On It – Beyonce

Shut Up and Dance – Walk the Moon

Fat Bottom Girls – Queen

Yeah 3X – Chris Brown

Leave the Door Open – Silk Sonic

Alright, that’s all I can muster up today. Hope if you’re feeling shitty that the sad songs help you cry it out. And if you’re feeling really good, just dance!

HUMAN

I can turn it on, be a good machine, I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need, be your everything… I can do it, I can do it, I’ll get through it… but I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down, I’m only human and I crash and I break down, your words in my head, knives in my heart, you build me up and then I fall apart, ’cause I’m only human…

Today was a fucking day, dude. Been having more of those lately. I can’t fucking sleep. I love sleep, so it really annoys me that I can’t do it. But I’m tapering off of Zoloft, because I’m so done with being medicated, and so my sleep schedule is all messed up. There’s no reason for me to lie about it here. I was on meds and I no longer wish to be on them. I didn’t quit cold turkey, I’m tapering off again, and I’m learning how to feel all the feelings. And it’s really fucking hard.

I keep repeating myself in these posts because these thoughts are at the forefront of my brain. It sucks right now because I’m in the thick of it and I just want to get the fuck out. I’m tired of dealing with this. I have no patience. As grateful as I am for finally waking up and trying to take care of myself, part of me despises this journey and how uncomfortable I feel on a daily basis. Learning about me and my needs makes me feel icky.

I’ve been extra sensitive lately. Not that I wasn’t sensitive before, but it’s too damn much now. It’s like someone turned the waterworks knob all the way up in my brain and then broke it off and now it won’t stop. It was probably me. I was probably like “what’s this? and then broke it, not realizing what it was, shrugged my shoulders, tossed the knob in the garbage and walked away. And it’s not for any particular reason except that all the feelings make me cry. Like all the emotions are making their way out of my eyeballs. When I’m extra happy, I cry. Sad for a second, cry. Frustrated, cry. It’s absolutely insane and I have to believe that eventually I will cry myself out and it will finally stop.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am just one human in this very big world. That I can’t do everything. I can do anything because I’m a magical unicorn, but I can’t do everything. I used to thrive doing everything all at once. And now, cue the waterworks, she’s overwhelmed!

Setting boundaries has been the most difficult thing for me. I want to do what I want to do and when someone tries to prevent me from doing whatever that is, I get big mad. Like a little kid ready to throw a tantrum. I’m a grown ass woman, and that is absolutely unacceptable. So this week, with all of the lack of sleep and crying, I’m going to try to be productive and figure out ways for me to express myself in a healthy way instead of jumping straight to overreaction. That’s the goal for this week. Stop acting like a giant fucking baby. Seems doable.

I know we are all kind of going through it in some way so I guess the point of this post is that we all need to be a little nicer to ourselves. That when it’s too much, it’s okay to take a step back and check in with whatever shit you’re dealing with. Evaluate what’s on the very full plate, separate necessities, wants and needs and see what should take priority. What has to stay and what can go. It’s not easy, but we all have to start somewhere. Even if it’s removing one thing off the plate that makes it heavy, and not in a good way. Try to keep the things that make you smile. Believe it or not, those are necessities.

Side note: please remember that the people in your life will always be pushing you. Some of them really do have your best interests at heart. But there are some that aren’t doing it for your own good, but rather their own good. And you need to be able to recognize that and make sure it fits into what you’re trying to do for yourself.

I hope you’re doing alright. And I hope that you come here and know that you’re not alone in whatever you’re dealing with. And if you made it to the end of this mess, thanks for reading. I appreciate you!

I can take so much, ’til I’ve had enough… ’cause I’m only human…

Song name: HUMAN/ Artist: Christina Perri/ Year: 2014

DIFFERENT

tell myself on the ride home, getting tired, hating all I’ve known, holding on, like it’s all I have, count me out, when it’s clear that I find it hard to say and you find it hard to care… I wanted to see something that’s different, something you said would change in me, wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me…

I felt the need to write today. Today wasn’t a good day. I’m hormonal and I’m a fucking mess. The last couple of weeks have been a wild ride in my brain and I don’t know if its progression or regression but it is causing a lot of aggression and I feel like I want to scream. I’m not going to scream, but I feel like I am screaming internally. For what, I don’t know.

I have no patience. And I’m sure that I have made some progress with all of the work that I’ve been doing. But I don’t see any of the results of my work. If anything, it feels like I am this giant open wound, oozing shit all over every aspect of my life. I feel like it was better when I was completely closed up and internalizing everything. And I know that is what inevitably got me to this point, but now I just feel completely exposed. I’m this weepy fucking mess that just cries over the stupidest things and it’s fucking ridiculous.

I’m trying to do all the right things and still feel like I’m doing everything wrong. The rest of the world seems to be doing whatever the hell they want and I’m over here, every single day, beating myself up over every little thing. Will I forever be my own worst enemy? I honestly can’t answer that question. I’m trying so hard to advocate for myself, but clearly I’m not doing a very good job.

So I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to sit here and write out all of the things that I actually like about myself. There aren’t that many, but I think that they’ll get the job done.

I love ferociously. If I tell you that I love you, I promise that I mean it.
I feel all the feelings. Like, I actually feel them. If you’re sad, I feel it. And I will do my best to let you know that I’m here to sit with you in your sadness or leave you alone until you’re ready to not be sad anymore. Whatever you decide.
I think that I’m pretty funny… it makes me want to vomit even saying that, but this is a list of things I like and I know that I have the ability to make people laugh and that makes me happy.
I give good advice because of item # 2 on this list. My goal, as whoever I am to you in your life, is to make sure that you know that you’re a kick ass human being. So if you’re doing great and just need validation, I’m your girl. If you feel like shit, I’m going to tell you all the ways you need to get yourself out of feeling that way because you’re a kick ass human being.

That’s all I can come up with, and that will have to be enough for now. I know that I am “a lot”. I know that about myself and feel like I always need to defend it. I have consistently told myself to be “less” but I can’t do it. This is who I am and I’m just trying to get comfortable with it. The world is vast and if I am too much for you, you can go find less and that’s okay.

I know there is still so much to be done and I promise I’m still working on it. I haven’t fully given up on myself, I’m just tired. And on days like today, where I have raging hormones and lack of sleep creating a tornado in my brain, it’s just so exhausting. But I know that tomorrow is going to be better. I didn’t enjoy the way all of this felt today. I allowed it, but won’t allow it to continue into another day.

I want to share a quote with you from Akif Kichloo that really spoke to me and made me feel seen in all my self inflicted drama today:

“I am one part courage and three parts fear. Three parts love and one part bitter. Half risen from rock bottom and half still in free fall. You can either love me whole or not love me at all.”

I’ve been through a lot, but I’ve gotten back up every time. Sometimes it took me longer than I would have liked, but I got up. And I have hope that whatever the fuck all of this is (insert maniacal hand gestures), will eventually turn into a result that I can see. That I’ll eventually see that all this emotional turmoil wasn’t for nothing. Right now it still feels like I am very much in the eye of the storm, but on the good days, I do feel peace, and that gives me a little more hope than I had the day before.

I know it’s always a lot and all over the place, but I appreciate you sticking with it if you made it this far. I am always here if you need me…

I’m taking a chance, this could be different, this could be all I’m waiting for…

Song name: DIFFERENT/ Artist: Acceptance/ Year: 2005