Category: Uncategorized

BLACK LINES TO BATTLEFIELDS

like screaming in the air, the sound for all who care, the siren rings in vain, when lightning hits the ground, to all who stand around, the shock of ignorance…

I haven’t cried hysterically in 2 whole days. I felt like I should tell you that. And I have been trying really hard to keep it that way. The last few days have been busy, but when I have free moments, or time to listen while I’m doing whatever I’m doing, I am working hard at trying to actually heal. I listened to something today that struck a chord with me, and I wanted to write about it. It made perfect sense to me and maybe someone else needs to hear it too.

The abandonment wound is the driving force behind my composition. I have searched high and low for some other explanation, and all roads always lead me right back to it. And so since I’m actually giving this healing shit a shot, I have been diving a little deeper into how to fix it. I’ve said it here before, my self worth is less than zero. I don’t see any value in me being here. Yea, I can do a million things for everyone, but at the end of the day, I always see myself as replaceable. When I think of feeling anything else about myself, I feel weird. Because it’s not something that is familiar in my body. I always thought less than less about myself, and it’s going to take me a minute to shift that perspective.

When you’re on a healing/spiritual journey, you get a LOT of videos, articles, books on Carl Jung. Please Google him; he’s done far too much for me to write it all out here. His work is revolutionary and I won’t even begin to scratch the surface by trying to give you an abridged version. Anyway, when everything kind of fell apart inside of me, I was introduced, almost immediately, to his work on the “inner child”. It refers to the subconscious part of you, your younger self, who is still holding on to memories and behaviors from childhood. If you were wounded by some form of trauma or neglect and your younger self is still holding on to those things, it will affect your conscious life as an adult. And man, I fucking felt that. And so I listen to and read a lot of things in relation to this because I believe, 100%, that this is where a lot of my healing needs to happen.

What I listened to today was about the inner child and how it creates and shapes the relationships you make in your life. And how subconsciously you are attracting specific types of people into your life based on how that wounded inner child still feels. The video talked about different types of wounds and I actually stopped what I was doing to write down what was said about the abandonment wound: “Our psyche tends to seek the familiar, even when the familiar is painful. There’s a perverse comfort zone in repeating known patterns, even when they cause suffering because at least we know how to navigate this pain. The wounded inner child prefers known suffering to unknown happiness because suffering is predictable and controllable, while true happiness requires vulnerability and the possibility of loss.”

The reason why this seemed to really hit me hard today is because I wasn’t sad today and I didn’t know what to do with myself. It’s become such a norm for me to be crying about something, that when I wasn’t, it was weird. Bear with me here, I know this sounds fucking bananas. I’ve been saying for a while that it is me standing in my own way. I thought that it was just fear. But it’s so much more than that. I have subconsciously blocked myself, time and time again, mostly because I felt I wasn’t worth it. That my dreams and ideas would never amount to anything because there was no one pushing that little kid to amount to anything more than I currently am. So the same cycles keep repeating over and over again. And this supposed “comfort zone” is no longer comfortable. I have subconsciously refused to even give myself a chance until now.

As I’m writing this out, there is a lot flowing out of me. It’s far too much and far too personal to write about here, but I just figured something out. I was just trying to remember the first time I ever felt anxiety, and I fucking remembered. I was maybe 5 years old. I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday, but I remember this moment like it just happened. I know what I was wearing, I remember what I did, I remember all of it, very vividly. And that is absolutely fucking crazy. I have never had a revelation like this before, so please excuse me if I sound a little out of my mind. But I remember that feeling from that day, and it’s the feeling I have felt my whole life any time anxiety was involved. And I see little me and I remember her and how she felt in that moment. And I want to hug her for as long as she will let me and tell her that she made a mistake, and that mistakes happen, and everything will be alright. That she is loved even though she took a little misstep.

I have done stints in therapy during different periods of my life, and I don’t remember ever talking about this moment. And I guess anything I did or allowed in therapy was always surface level. It seemed that every time I opened up to something more, the hour was up and I was left like the walking wounded having to go back to regular life with this giant, gaping hole in my chest. Subconsciously I guess I blocked myself from healing as well. I guess everything has been leading up to this moment in my life where I am finally saying “enough is enough”. I can’t keep carrying this shit around with me, it’s fucking heavy. And I’m fucking tired.

The craziest part of all of this is that I’m writing it out and I’m not crying. There’s a little lump in my throat but I’m mad. I am feeling anger. Not in a non-productive way though. I’m not going to beat myself up about this. I’m just mad that I’ve allowed this. That I am a fully grown adult and still feel like a child, constantly looking for the acceptance and approval of the adults around me. Over sharing and hoping that people will like and accept me. Approve of the decisions I make in my life. Not be mad at me. And then leave me if they don’t approve. That’s the thing. The abandonment wound is such an underlying thing, that I’m afraid if I’m not sorry for being me then people will leave. What the fuck?! Like, I feel like I always knew this, but now I can’t not know this…

My whole existence has always had this internal battle. I get preemptive anxiety over telling people things, afraid of what the reaction will be. This has been a lifelong battle and it needs to stop right here. I need to stop apologizing for being me. Most importantly, I need to be okay with being me. I said earlier that I felt weird feeling anything other than bad about myself. That changes today. It is going to take me a minute, but I’m done fighting and trying to prove that I am not a garbage human being. I’m not saying it in a conceited way. I just need to stop dragging myself into these dark places because I don’t know how to exist in any other place. Just saying that gives me the ick, but I need to start breaking that programming. It will get easier.

I am really pleased that we got to experience this breakthrough in real time. I have stopped myself so many times from seeing the bigger picture. From digging deeper to see the root of the problem. To quote Chandler Bing “can open… worms everywhere”… but they are my worms, and they’ve been jammed up in that can for far too long. I can’t keep not choosing happiness because it might be scary. I have never even allowed myself to be happy for too long because someone was always ready to rip it away from me. And that’s not fair, and it’s not okay. And I’m aware of it now, and it’s strange but it’s clear.

I can’t promise that tomorrow won’t be a battle, but this was a little push into the land of actual progress that I needed, very badly. I appreciate you sticking with me, I honestly didn’t know where this was going to go when I started writing. But going forward, not everything is going to be an all out battle. All of the tools that I’ve been walking around with will prove themselves useful once I start shifting this weird fucking narrative I’ve been playing in my head. Thanks, as always for reading. I’m always here if you need me…

black lines can turn to battlefields when they are drawn in pen, the stop signs like human apathy, can cause a fatal crash… like screaming in the air, the sound for all who care, the siren rings in vain, when lightning hits the ground, to all who stand around, the shock of ignorance… the feeling hard to tell, a word can break the spell…

Song name: BLACK LINES TO BATTLEFIELDS/ Artist: Acceptance/ Year: 2003

GRAVITY

something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long… no matter what I say or do, I still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone…

I stumbled upon a cover of this song a few days ago. I don’t usually like covers of Sara Bareilles songs. And I think it’s because she sings her songs so beautifully that no cover has ever really done it for me. But this cover? Here’s the link: Raymond Salgado – Gravity Cover I don’t know what happened. It must have scratched all of the right parts of my brain or something, but I was locked in. As soon as it was done, I restarted it. This went on for a while, I will not disclose for how long (LOL). Anyway, hearing someone else sing Gravity made me think about it in a different way than I normally do. I was always very linear when it came to my interpretation of it – this song was always a tragic love song in my mind. Of course there was one exception, and that was the So You Think You Can Dance Mia Michaels dance, where she made it about addiction which was fucking revolutionary. Watch it! Mia Michaels Choreography “Addiction” -Kayla and Kupono SYTYCD Anyway, it was so strange that this cover instinctively made me apply it to this soul journey that I’ve been on. And it felt like a desperate plea for release while also not wanting to let go or give up.

I haven’t felt right for the last month. The last week to ten days have been exceptionally heavy. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I’m going to use the word unbearable. And I don’t know how to explain this to you so that you’ll fully understand. It just feels like a constant longing in my chest. A dull and quiet, constant ache. Like I’m homesick. It gnaws at me constantly. I haven’t slept more than five hours per night in the last two years, but this week I had not slept more than three. So, when I say it’s constant, I mean it. There is no rest. There is no peace. I am beyond exhausted and so incredibly sad. I am crying like I miss home, but I am home…

set me free, leave me be, I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity…

I can’t tell you how many times this week I’ve begged, between sobs, to be released from this. These giant, heartbroken sobs pour out of me, seemingly from out of nowhere, and I beg God, Universe, Source, whatever you prefer to say, to give me respite from this. Even if it’s just long enough for me to get some restful sleep. One moment I am fine, and the next the aching and pulling in my chest gets too strong for me to handle, and I need to find somewhere to cry. There’s no stopping it. Sometimes it’s over in a few minutes, and sometimes I don’t have time for it to complete because I am trying to be a functional adult and have shit to do. So I pull myself together and do my best.

And I understand that this sounds strange if you’re seeing it from the outside. I’ve been told, too many times, that I need to see a shrink and get my shit together. And reactions like that remind me that not everyone in my life is a safe space. So, I put my mask back on and fake it until I make it. I am doing my fucking best. It’s not always so dark. The aching feeling described above is never ending, but when I am doing something that I enjoy, there is no time to fan that flame.

When I am alone, I’m here but I’m not. I’m lost in a spiral of thoughts. I pull out all of the tricks I know to get me out of it. Sometimes it works, sometimes I let myself get lost in it. Other times it’s just so incredibly heavy. The gravity of all of it pulled me down pretty far this week. And I allowed it. I did not have the energy to fight it. Clearly, it was happening for a reason. However, the last three days felt like absolute warfare. I realized why the panic was happening, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop it. I felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole. I have a really tight grasp on a lot of things right now. I know that I need to make changes, unfortunately I am at a point on this journey where the changes I need to make are pretty large, and I don’t know how to navigate it just yet. It’s 100% the case that I am standing in my own way, and it is 100% out of total terror.

There are a few things that happened since I started writing this post earlier in the week. And it’s important that I talk about those things so I can wrap this up in a pretty bow:

  • The grandma thing that has been heavily weighing my life down finally has a bit of resolution and I am finally getting some relief
  • There was a very big full moon that happened on Thursday – it was in Capricorn and it meant business. I chalked a lot of the heaviness in the days leading up to it directly to its arrival – no sleep, heavy emotions, etc.
  • There were a lot of cosmic shifts this week, calling for action to evaluate your life and make necessary changes. These shifts called for actual release of the things in your life that were no longer serving your highest good
  • The day after the full moon, I was let go from something that was, what I thought, a huge part of my identity. And I absolutely took it as “It’s not happening TO me, it’s happening FOR me” and that, my friends, is growth in my book

I will be writing more about that last bullet point above, but I’m not quite ready yet. It’s still incredibly fresh and I’m still processing it. However, as emotionally unstable as I felt this week, by the end of the week I had finally returned to my five hours of sleep and things felt lighter. Realizing that things happen the way they’re supposed to and not necessarily how I want them to was also something that gave me a little clarity. And I’m finally starting to shift perspective when it comes to certain things in my life. I still can’t fully let go, but my knuckles are no longer white while gripping them. It is taking a lot of self talk and care to make it through the dark moments that creep in, but everything will be alright. I am trying to shift 40+ years of conditioning and it’s going to take a minute.

Anyway, this was extremely long winded, but of course necessary. I appreciate it very much if you made it to this point. I can’t promise that every day the gravity of all of this won’t drag me down, but I promise I’m doing all I can to stay grounded. Thanks for reading, I’m always here if you need me…

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground, but you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go, the one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down…

Song name: GRAVITY/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2007

ORPHEUS (Part III)

don’t stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos, though I know it’s blinding there’s a way out, say out loud we will not give up on love now, no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus, just stay here, hold me in the dark and when the day appears we’ll say we did not give up on love today…

I’m starting off in a different direction than I usually do. I want to talk about Orpheus, and what this song refers to when Sara says “no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus”. I read ORPHEUS (Part II) and was disappointed to see that the post I wrote a year and a half ago is still my current situation. So, we are going to pivot today and see if I can talk myself into some clarity. Because I woke up feeling completely out of sorts and sad this morning, and it seems that there is nothing that will get me out of it at the moment, maybe this will help?

The story of Orpheus (my very abridged version)… In Greek mythology, it was said that he could charm anyone or anything with his music. He fell in love with Eurydice, they were married happily for a short time. The story changes a little bit, depending on what source your reading from. Regardless, all stories say she was bitten by a snake and died. Orpheus sang his grief so that everyone and everything knew about his sorrow. Eventually he decides to descend to the underworld to see Eurydice. His music moved Hades and his wife Persephone so much that Hades agreed to let Eurydice go back with Orpheus under one condition: He must walk in front of her out of the underworld and not look back until they returned to the living world. He agreed, because he thought himself to be a patient man. As they walked back, he couldn’t hear her footsteps and was afraid that he was fooled. When they were just a few feet from the exit, Orpheus lost his faith, turned around, and sent Eurydice back into the underworld forever. He tried to return to the underworld, but the story goes that you can only enter once while living. The story varies on how he died, but he sang songs of grief wishing for his own death and eventually was killed to be reunited with his wife. His lyre was cast into the sky as a constellation, and his head was saved by the Muses so that he could sing forever and enchant everyone with his music.

Why am I talking about this? It’s important that I talk about this. It’s a story about patience and trust. Both of which, I do not have. Since I wrote the above post last year, nothing has changed. Yea, okay, a few things changed, but nothing so important that I’ve seen a difference. I have no patience on this journey and I, most certainly, have no trust. I have not been able to surrender and have chosen to stay in a place of fear. Fear is familiar to me. Somehow it is safe. And when I read the story of Orpheus, I get it. I would have 100% turned around to make sure she was behind me.

I have days where I say I trust the process and I can see myself making it out of this mess. But do I really trust the process? Apparently not. And I know why I can’t. I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to affect the people around me. I don’t want my decisions or needs to hurt anyone. I’m here because I completely abandoned myself and that needed to change. But on days like today, the spiral of thoughts is absolutely unbearable. I keep seeing flashes of the life I imagine and it just feels so far away. I don’t know what I need. I want someone to tell me everything will be okay and I want to believe them when they say it. But I don’t. I don’t trust any process. For some reason, I choose to spiral.

I am so fucking lost and I really don’t want to be. But it’s like every time I see a twinkle of hope, I don’t believe it. I’m afraid that it will get taken away from me. My whole life I have waited for the other shoe to drop. When something good happens, I can’t embrace it because I’m so afraid that something bad will follow. And so I don’t allow myself to believe that I can even make one of my dreams come true because something devastating will ultimately follow. And that is no way to live, but it’s literally the only way I’ve ever known. And unlearning that has been my biggest feat.

I am still so scared to deviate from the normal loop of things. And I become impatient when I make a few small changes and get diverted to something else, making the process more complicated, and I lose faith immediately. I don’t want to do any more fucking work. I am tired. I just want one fucking thing to be easy. But why would it be? I don’t trust in it. I haven’t proven that if I’m finally given the thing that I would even be able to accept or appreciate it. Because I’m always waiting for the bad thing to follow. And so maybe today I’ll try to fix that. Maybe today will be the day that I shift my mindset. I got the shit humbled out of me reading my previous Orpheus post. So much time has passed and yet, here I am, telling the same fucking story over and over again.

I have finally stopped crying, so I will take that as a win. I’m going to try and turn the day around despite wasting half of it in this state of mind. I hold all of the answers to my healing, and yet I still allow outside sources to affect the path of my life. I have spent so much time being this way that changing it seems impossible. I know it’s possible. I don’t want to give up. I just can’t seem to settle down when I have these moments. But I have to believe that there is more for me than this mental prison that I am choosing. This can’t be the end goal for me, so I need to really start believing. Really start trusting, not just saying that I trust.

That’s all I can muster up for today. Tomorrow will be better. Thanks, as always, for reading…

we did not give up on love today…

Song name: ORPHEUS/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2019

HALLELUJAH…

faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya, she tied you to the kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah…

The last few days I’ve been processing a lot of stuff, and so I’m just here today to write it out. I don’t even really know how to explain all of this, but I’m going to do my best. The last post wasn’t a great one, and I will admit that things have been lighter since then. Nothing crazy, but lighter, and I’m grateful for that.

This song has been haunting me since two nights ago. I was at a dance thing and when I heard it, I was locked in. I got chills up my spine and immediately asked the teacher who used it who was singing it. When he said Shawn Mendes I was surprised as hell. I’m in my 40’s, I don’t listen to him. I have a few songs on my phone from years ago when the kids in my dance classes loved him and I promised I would play them during warm up. So to hear this incredibly haunting version of this song from someone who I literally judged as having zero depth, I was humbled to say the least.

That night, I was driving home, it was late, and I played this song on repeat. The moon was shining so brightly and it just felt like a whole experience that I didn’t expect. As I drove around looking for parking, which is a nightmare after 8 PM in my neighborhood, let alone when there’s construction on the surrounding blocks and it’s 11:30 PM, I just tried to really take in the quiet time alone.

Two days ago, I had a good day. I got some good news about something that has weighed heavily on me for the last year and a half. And because I got the information second-hand, I was still a little apprehensive about fully releasing it because I didn’t want to get disappointed when I actually saw the paperwork. It has caused me a lot of anxiety, and I really hoped that it was true and that I can finally move on with this and maybe get one extra hour of sleep with it off of my plate. I received the paperwork and still don’t fully understand it, but I never really did. It’s for my grandmother, and that’s really why it causes me as much anxiety as it does However, the paperwork didn’t look bad at all and so I’m taking that as a small win for now.

This little paperwork story ties in to something much bigger, so please bear with me. For the last two years my biggest issue has been releasing the need to control the outcome of things that I can’t control. My nervous system is completely shot. Years of people pleasing and taking on things that shouldn’t have been my responsibility have left me in a very vulnerable state. My anxiety has gotten progressively worse. With each tiny thing, it barrels through me like a freight train that I can’t stop. It has made me sick to my stomach with worry, I can’t eat, I haven’t slept soundly in years, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I would classify myself as “beyond empathetic”. I have managed to absorb the feelings and energy of everyone around me to the point where I no longer exist. And that’s why I’m here on this journey, and I see that very clearly now. I managed to tie my own identity to the needs and wants of others, so much so that I completely abandoned myself. But something is finally shifting…

I knew the full moon on June 11th was going to be important for me. I read and listen to a lot of spiritual stuff everyday, almost to the point of over consumption, but it would soothe my anxiety, even if just for a few minutes. Anyway, last week really messed me up. I really felt like life was taking me in a direction that I didn’t want to go in. And if I didn’t at least try to steer the ship, I was afraid I would never come out of this. My thoughts were at an all time low. In 6 days I maybe slept 24 hours. I was losing my fucking mind. So when I saw that this full moon was coming and it was a perfect time to reset, I finally told my anxious thoughts to shut the fuck up because I really needed this.

My time in the car, with this song playing, tears in my eyes, with the beautiful moon shining above me, something finally clicked. When I finally got home, I immediately wrote down everything I wanted to release, I went outside at midnight and burned it all. And I promised myself that I would do better. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I can openly admit that I wasn’t doing a damn thing to help myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, I’m fucking exhausted, but I will at least start giving a shit about myself. It’s the least I could do.

Up until this point, nothing had changed. I didn’t feel like I was growing at all. That for the last two years, everything had been exactly the same. I was still triggered, still spiraling, still not caring about myself, still doing everything to cater to everyone else’s happiness, so yea, not a thing changed. And then an opportunity presented itself… Someone told me that she told someone else about how badly I was doing. She said it so nonchalant like it wouldn’t bother me. Let me break this down for you. My typical reaction to this would have been rage. Not only did you disrespect me by telling my story to someone who absolutely 1000% had no right to know, but you probably told your version of it which is incorrect. BUT, I realized very quickly that I never set a boundary on it. And so that was partially my fault. It wasn’t okay what she did. And instead of screaming and crying about it, I said to her nicely “I understand you think you were helping me, but I didn’t ask you for help. I would appreciate it if you could please never do that again.” And now the boundary was set. She called me back later and brought it up again. And again, I stifled the urge to scream, she insisted she was trying to help. And I told her “please understand that the only reason why I am not screaming at you right now is because I know it came from a place of love and concern. But I am asking you one more time to please never do that again.” And she gave me some insincere “SORRRYYY” and we hung up.

I got off the phone and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was raging mad, seeing red. I wanted to scream but didn’t want to scare my dog. And then I walked to the kitchen to get myself something to drink, and was hit with a moment of clarity. Amidst the rage, I thought about who I was dealing with. Someone I love who is also a child of trauma. And I thought for a few minutes about that. I am raging mad at someone who will never see my point of view because she physically can’t. She does not know any better. And I took a deep breath and I let it go. I forgave her for what she did, without a genuine apology, because I know better and she doesn’t. I set the boundary going forward, and that’s all I could do.

Last night I slept for six solid hours. That’s the longest consecutive amount of hours in one night in I don’t know how long. It was needed and I plan on trying it again tonight. I was triggered A LOT today. But in the midst of all the triggers, I also had a tiny bit of ammo to combat it. The last few days, with all the full moon talk, I kept telling myself that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. That I am strong and I can handle anything. And although it seems that nothing has changed, I have changed a lot. And I kept reminding myself of that. Most importantly, if I am going to surrender, I need to trust. That little grandma paperwork win the other day, the one that I couldn’t fully trust, that still had a death grip on me until the paperwork was physically in my hands. When it was finally dropped off at my house, I felt a bit of relief. I told myself to let it go, I will take care of the last bits of it tomorrow, have grandma sign it on Saturday and put it in the mail on Monday. I went to get coffee with my coworkers, and not two minutes after the order was placed, I got a strange text message. It had my grandmother’s home address and a case number. My heart dropped into my butt and I could feel the blood drain out of my face. I was with coworkers so I had to be cool but I internally spiraled so fast. I got back to the office and I was in a full panic attack.

After 10 minutes, I finally convinced myself that it couldn’t have been a scam text, not with such specific information, and told myself to bite the bullet and just call the number. I called. It wasn’t about my grandmother. It was about someone else in our family. I relayed the message to them and stepped out onto the balcony to breathe. I looked up to the sky and apologized for not trusting that only good will come out of this situation. I have heard so many times on this journey that when you’re on the verge of a breakthrough, when your ego knows that you’re finally taking control, you are hit with test after test after test to try to break you down. And normally this would have broken me. I don’t even know if I would have called the number. I would have just panicked and not slept for God knows how many nights over it. But I promised myself I would do better. I owe it to myself to do better. To fight for my life because it’s worth it.

I know this was an extremely long winded post, but the culmination of everything in the last few days actually has me seeing clearly for the first time in two years. My focus has shifted in a way that I never expected. I am not going to get overly excited about it. I have goals that I want to accomplish in the next few months and I will put my focus there. I have the tiniest spark of hope again and I’m not going to let it go. The last few days have shown me that my thoughts do not determine my next steps. And I know that I’ve probably said some version of those words hundreds of times in these posts, but I actually see it now. Everything that I want for my life going forward is within me and I will heal from all of this. I will accomplish what I want to accomplish because I see now that I am important. That I can set boundaries and my whole world doesn’t fall apart. And that no one is coming to save me, only I can do that.

As always, thank you for reading. I hope for more little victories going forward, but will not break apart if not everything is considered a win. This is life and there needs to be balance. And I see that it’s possible now, and I’m going to run with it. And if you haven’t heard this version of Hallelujah yet, my advice is to find a quiet place and listen to it…

well, maybe there’s a God above, that’s for me all I’ve ever learnt from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya, but it’s not a crime that you’re here tonight, it’s not some pilgrim who claims to have seen the light, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah… hallelujah, hallelujah…

Song name: HALLELUJAH/ Artist: Shawn Mendes/ Year: 2024

LIGHT ON…

would you believe me now if I told you I got caught up in a wave? almost gave it away, would you hear me out if I told you I was terrified for days? thought I was gonna break… oh, I couldn’t stop it, tried to slow it all down, crying in the bathroom, had to figure it out, with everyone around me saying “You must be so happy now”…

I’m not going to lie to you. The last few days have been some of my worst. May 29th marked 2 years since this journey began. I tried not to give it any thought. I didn’t want to think about it. But I think subconsciously it was looming and out of nowhere I just broke in half. I keep trying and trying to keep my head above the water, but treading gets exhausting and sometimes my legs give out and I dip below and get caught up in the current. And it’s disheartening and discouraging, and I fucking hate it.

I’ve been walking around lately feeling extremely disconnected. I guess I’m in a bit of an unintentional hermit mode. I don’t mean to be like this, it just sort of happened. I’m trying to make sense of the last two years. And while I know things have changed, it really feels like the same loop every goddamn day. I’m still not sleeping. I wake up with a racing heart every single day. Terrified of what the day has in store for me. Why I live my life like this, I’ll never know. I have a million things that I can do to get myself out of this mindset, and I don’t fucking do any of them. I have zero drive to better myself. I’m fucking exhausted and I just want my mind to shut the fuck up for once.

I don’t know who this person is right now. I used to be empathetic, ready to people please and smile and nod. My empathy has turned to apathy. I am completely disinterested and drained. I see the life I want for myself, I know there are 8 million steps to get to it and I’m too tired to move. I have lost patience with life and with myself. I’m angry at the decisions I’ve made that have brought me to this point. I am my biggest hater and that’s a huge part of the problem.

In order to better your life, you actually have to like yourself. And I really don’t like myself at all. I’m disappointed at the sacrifices I made that left me brokenhearted and unfulfilled. I thought there would always be more time for me to do what I needed to do. And it just feels like there is this imaginary clock counting down and telling me that I’m running out of time. And each day passes so slow with the same shit over and over again and I just feel more and more defeated.

I know this sounds terrible. I don’t want you to misunderstand or think that I’m not grateful for my life. I understand that people would probably kill to have my life. But that doesn’t help. That adds yet another layer of guilt and shame to the ones that have been built over this lifetime. I can’t shake feeling like an awful person. I can’t see how I could possibly deserve good things in life. But at the same time, that makes no fucking sense to me. Why shouldn’t I believe that life can just keep getting better? Because for years and years I’ve heard the most destructive shit that I didn’t know was destructive. I thought it was what everyone thought. But I’m finding out that life doesn’t have to be like that at all, that you can dream and believe that it can only get better, and I think the anger and sadness stems from finding this information out in my 40’s. It is just such a heartbreaking feeling and I have definitely let it drag me down the last couple of days.

I have some things in the works that I hope will drag me out of this, but the hope is slim at this very moment. And I have faith that tomorrow will be better. That I’ll actually sleep tonight and wake up feeling a little bit better than I did today. I’m sad that I wrote a post last week and said that I haven’t sobbed every day in months, and literally that’s all I’ve done for the last couple of days. It’s disappointing.

I just haven’t been here and I need to get my head back above the water. I’m just so tired. I have a lot of things to fight for and I know that. I want that life that I see in my dreams and I just need to get out of my head and hit the ground and take the step that will lead me to the next step and so on. So I’m giving myself the rest of today to be a sad sack piece of shit. But tomorrow? That’s going to be day one on making it happen for myself. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And I need to stop being complacent. My comfort zone is no longer comfortable and it’s time to move this shit along. I’m still here and I need to do better.

Thanks for reading. I know you’re probably sick of reading the same shit, I am too. I look forward to tomorrow and taking even just a tiny step in a new direction.

oh, if you keep reachin’ out then I’ll keep comin’ back, and if you’re gone for good then I’m okay with that, and if you leave the light on, then I’ll leave the light on… and I am findin’ out there’s just no other way, that I’m still dancin’ at the end of the day, and if you leave the light on, then I’ll leave the light on, oh, leave the light on, oh, would you leave the light on?

Song name: LIGHT ON/ Artist: Maggie Rogers/ Year: 2019

Quei ricordi là…

ci sono momenti che non puoi scordare, come le chitarre prima di un concerto, tutte quelle notti perse a litigare e poi tutte le mattine nello stesso letto, e se c’è qualcosa da dimenticare, nonostante tutto, me lo tengo stretto, sì, ne vale la pena, Che pena, però… Io ti prometto che sarà bellissimo…

Hello, it’s been a while. There are countless, unfinished posts in the drafts folder of this site. It’s been a minute since I’ve sat down to write. Everything I wrote felt wrong. My mind was my worst enemy. I kept getting stuck in the same loop of bullshit and everything just felt wrong. I’m writing today because it felt like I should.

At the beginning of all of this, I was a mess. I’ve explained it here before, but I’ll say it again. Almost 2 years ago, it was like a “total destruction” button was pushed without my knowledge and I was left completely lost in a pile of rubble. Handling it with grace and composure was not an option. I did my best in front of people, but when I was alone, it was dark. I cried every day, multiple times a day, most of the time without reason. Not just little tears, big sobs that came from my guts. Looking back on it now, I am happy that I’m still here to talk about it. There were times where there was no light and I don’t know how I made it through, but I’m glad I did.

I am still working through a lot of things. I’m not quite put back together yet, stuck in this very in-between place of old me and new me, but I’m taking little steps when I can to try and figure out what parts of me need fixing. I’m still very confused and tired, but I don’t sob every day anymore, and so little victories and all that happy horseshit (shrugs).

I started writing this from my hotel room in Sicily. This visit was different. I remember writing my post about Sicily last year, I didn’t reread it, because I remember feeling heartbroken while writing it. But I’m writing now to say that it was wonderful in every way. The first night was difficult and I was afraid I was going to repeat the patterns of fear and anxiety from last year. I realized quickly that I’ve grown since then and I’m proud of myself.

I frantically checked the weather before I left home. Every day had rain and wind and storms. And I was so disappointed. Because there’s no way to plan a trip in advance and predict the weather. I was so afraid I would be stuck in an anxiety spiral in my room the whole time. I am happy to report that it was not the case! It had rained, but there was also so much sunshine. And as soon as I would hear the rain stop, I went outside.

The trip had been brewing, probably since I left last year. And it was really difficult for me to ask for another bit of time away by myself. Last year I went to Sicily to try to find out information that I could not seem to find. When I spoke with a genealogist and they told me that it would cost 1000 euro to inquire, I thought to myself, I could just go and see what I could do myself. Of course it felt like an epic fail. But a lot of things have transpired in the last year and a bunch of pieces that I was searching for managed to make their way to me.

It was so strange. My great-grandmother who has been the guiding force on my journey, was such a tough nut for me to crack last year. And I think it’s because I was trying too hard. Every where I looked, her birthday was the missing piece. I kept hitting road blocks. Finally, I asked a cousin if she had any information from her mother, I really hate to bother people, but she found a copy of the death certificate which had the date of birth on it. Now here’s where shit gets weird…

Little something worth mentioning. For the last year and half I have had the Linguaglossa town page bookmarked on my Google homepage. I check it at least once a month, I don’t know why but I do. Anyway, I know this damn site inside and out at this point. Not long after I got her date of birth, it was monthly website check in time. I was clicking around when a search box popped up on my screen asking me if I was looking for someone. That was strange, it never happened before… So I put in her name and date of birth, stated that I would love baptismal records or something to prove her existence in that town. And I sent it and laughed. I never expected to hear from them again OR figured I would receive mail asking me to pay a lot of money for it. I’ve been here before, thank you. By the time I got to work the next morning, there was an email back with a copy of her birth certificate, the address of the home she was born in and some information about her father and sister. The woman said that if I wanted more information that she could dig further and it was 25 euro per hour (that’s dirt cheap, by the way!) with an estimate of the amount of hours it would take. Anyway, I thanked her and told her when I was ready I would give her the go ahead to keep digging. After more than a year of trying to find out this information, it magically appeared.

I can’t explain the pull I felt to go back. After going back and forth with it quite a bit, it felt like I had no choice. It’s very hard for me to explain this to people. Especially since I don’t really understand it myself. I’ve never had anything like this happen in my life. And it’s weird for me, I’m sure it must be even weirder to witness. I don’t expect people to understand. And it can’t matter to me if you do or you don’t. It’s an experience that is exclusive to me and it doesn’t need to make sense to you. I’m not trying to be a bitch, it’s just that I’ve spent so much of my life caring about what others will think of me, and with this very personal and strange stage of life, I just can’t do that anymore.

I’m still processing all of it. I still don’t feel that I have the spiritual wherewithal to navigate any of it. I don’t understand how I can feel homesick for a place that I am just getting to know. So I’m still taking it all in. I’ve been home for 5 days and still feel very out of sorts and out of place. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s such a 180 from my trip and return last year. Last year I spent a lot of time sitting with the regret of it all. Sad that I missed so much. And so far I have spent a lot of time thinking about how much I miss it.

So here’s what I can tell you. Going to her house kind of changed me. I know that sounds really over dramatic, but it was profound in its own way. Once I got there, and I stood outside, my ever racing heart started beating at a normal pace and a wave of peace rushed over me. I have to tell you that I have been craving that feeling for 2 years and it was incredible. I never thought I would ever feel peace again, so to get it in that moment was a huge reminder that going there was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to linger outside for too long, people live there and I didn’t want to make it weird, so I went back to the church, her church, that I visited last year. It was a 2 minute walk away. I sat in the same spot, stuck in place, for 30 minutes, involuntarily sobbing my eyes out. I couldn’t move, I tried. I told her “I’m here and I’m listening”. The messages I received are between me and her for now. But it was seriously one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Again, I don’t know what to do with any of it yet, but I’m grateful for it.

I realize now that last year was not a waste. I wasn’t ready and that’s clear. I needed last year so that this year would be what it was. Because I was frantically checking the weather the week before, I worried myself sick that I would not be able to accomplish everything I wanted to in the time that I had. The landing into Catania was rough. A 25 minute descent felt like it took 6 days. It was pouring buckets as I was walking from the terminal to the car rental office. I showed up at the desk completely saturated. I had no choice but to drive in it. I don’t know why I was acting like I didn’t know how to drive in the rain. I was fine. I arrived at my hotel, took a hot shower, saw the rain had stopped and went for a walk. I planned my visit to Linguaglossa around the weather. I made sure I would be there before the rain started and it worked. As I was driving back to my hotel, about an hour and a half away, 3 miles before my exit, the heavens opened up. Like BIG TIME rain, wind, flooding, all the things. Instead of crying about it, I talked myself through it, followed patterns of traffic and shut the fuck up about it. I parked my car at the hotel and the rain stopped. I got myself situated, and went back outside. I know these are weather related, but there were just so many things that I convinced myself I wouldn’t be able to do and I did them because I’m not an idiot. And it was in these moments that I realized that everything that I fear and tell myself I can’t do, it’s all a lie.

I had one moment of clarity yesterday. I have such abandonment issues that I hang on so tightly to things out of fear of losing them. With that comes a few more issues. One of them being when I get the tiniest taste of something, I just want more. And I make myself sick thinking about how I don’t have it anymore and get so sad missing whatever it is. But I swear, yesterday I thought about how, not too long ago, I was researching all the places in Sicily that I’ve been, wishing to be there, and I did it. I went to those places and I did the things. And so yea, maybe it wasn’t instant, but I did it. And it made the reeling thoughts shut up. Because I did that. I wanted to go and see these things and I saw them. And yes, of course I would like to see them again, but I confidently told myself that I absolutely will. Because I will. I humbled the shit out of myself and for once I shut the fuck up and just said Thank You.

The hardest part of this entire journey is learning to go with the flow. I have never gone with the flow. I go with plans and over thinking, and more plans, and anxiety, and panic attacks and then more overthinking. And I learned that it is possible for me to flow. I saw myself do it. And so yea, it’s maybe taking me a little longer than it would other people, but this journey is about me and that’s where I’ll put my focus. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be in this moment, but I won’t be in this place forever. It won’t always be like this. I’m going to continue to process everything at my own pace. 2 years ago I never thought I would still be in this very weird place, but little by little I’m making my way out of the darkness, maybe even for real this time.

This was a long post and I appreciate it if you made it this far. I’m going to be making some changes to this blog and restructuring things a little bit. Glad we could catch up, I promise more will be coming soon…

io ti prometto che sarà bellissimo, tornare a quei ricordi là, sì, a quei ricordi là, che brivido di quelli che non puoi spiegare, come vele in mare aperto, quando tira forte il vento, tu lascia che sia bellissimo, bellissimo…

Song name: Quei ricordi là/ Artist: Olly/ Year: 2024

PICCOLA ANIMA

piccola anima, la luce dei lampioni ti accompagna a casa, innamorata e sola, quell’uomo infame non ti ha mai capita, sai che a respirare non si fa fatica, è l’amore che ti tiene in vita… quello che voglio io da te, non sarà facile spiegare, non so nemmeno dove e perché hai perso le parole, ma se tu vai via, porti i miei occhi con te…

I want to start off by saying that it was only a matter of time before an Italian song made its way into a post. Your punk rock girl has an entire playlist of sad girl songs in another language. And they’re so much more beautiful this way. I suggest you listen to this one. You don’t need to know what it means, you’ll feel it. But if you’re curious, of course Google is free.

I am having a really bad day with anxiety. And I’m hoping that writing can at least help calm me down. I’ve been on this journey for a little while now and I’ve been trying to figure out ways to make this whole thing easier for myself. The problem is that I’m always operating at a very high level of anxiety, afraid to breathe easy. It always seems that the moment I give in and relax, breathe a sigh of relief at life, I manage to fuck something up and end up right back at the peak of anxiety. Dealing with an unreasonably low amount of self worth has been my biggest problem throughout my life. And I just can’t get to the point where it gets easier. There are days where I can sit there and confidently say that I am a good person, or wow I actually feel pretty today, or was that an entire day free of anxiety? But those days are short lived. The next day it seems that my anxiety got backed up while being on vacation the day before and hits me harder than it usually does.

Today was one of those days. Something happened yesterday morning and instead of letting it get me down, I felt empowered. I even wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget. I felt unstoppable. Today, I said something stupid to someone I care about, it upset them, and I’ve been spiraling ever since. It’s already been cleared up. I apologized and it was settled. But I could seriously kick myself and will likely not sleep tonight because of it. Things like this happen all the time. I feel shame and I feel small, and quite frankly I never want to speak again because I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Am I too much? Am I enough? I just constantly feel like I’m never doing the right thing. If I say what I’m feeling, I’m too much. If I don’t say anything, I’m not doing enough. When I try to find somewhere in between, I act like an idiot and go completely overboard trying to prove that I’m not a piece of shit. It’s too much.

I understand that reading that might seem very dramatic. But in all of the work I’ve been doing, I am finding that it’s all been programmed within me my whole life. And I am doing my best to break up this programming, but setbacks like I had today do a lot of damage. And it will take me a few days to get back on track. The problem is that when I get like this, I don’t feel like I deserve good things. I punish myself and put myself in the corner, like I don’t deserve to be seen. The level of shame and embarrassment that I feel is out of this world. And it affects every single thing throughout the rest of the day. Until I lay in the dark, try to tell myself that I need to sleep so that I can start fresh in the morning, continue to spiral until my thoughts wear me out, and finally crash for a few hours out of sheer exhaustion.

This cannot continue. It cannot be that the thoughts win this battle. They’re just thoughts and I have the ability to stop them, so why don’t I? I was listening to a podcast the other day with Jay Shetty and Dr. Gabor Mate (pronounced MAH-TAY… I can’t find the little accent to put over the e) about finding your true self. It talked about the root cause of trauma and why you feel lost. It was over an hour long and I actually took notes. Dr. Mate said something that made my eyes pop. He said “why is it that we are so addicted to things staying the same, or things not changing? You find safety in the mind you created.” I am fully aware of the fact that I have this problem, I just don’t know what the fuck to do about it. I’ve talked about this here before; I am completely terrified of life. I don’t enjoy it. My days are exactly the same, full of routines and habits that I’m afraid to break. I fear that if I do something wrong, somehow everything will shift in a way that will scare me even more. Or even worse, the change will affect others and then I’ll be living with more shame and guilt. So even though my life may be completely mundane, based on my mindset, I am terrified of the alternative.

Here’s the thing… I’ve been going through this dark night of the soul for well over a year now. I was wearing rose colored glasses for a long time. They were full of scratches and filthy as hell, but rose colored nonetheless. And over a year ago they were ripped off of my face and thrown away and I’ve been fighting my way through this darkness every day since. Have things changed in the last year plus? Of course they have. But the reactions I’ve received to these changes have sometimes not been welcomed. With the rose colored glasses, I was complacent, on medication for anxiety, and seemingly sleeping through my life. I thought I was present. But I’ve been forced to pay attention to myself and I don’t know how to do it nicely. I am so angry at myself for so many reasons and I just can’t seem to forgive myself. So it’s just an endless loop of good day, bad day, bad day, bad day, bad day, good day, etc.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday, because my algorithm is full of self help shit, and this one had Michael B. Beckwith. And he was specifically speaking about dark night of the soul. I also took notes with this one because I completely understood what he was talking about. He said: “The new hasn’t emerged yet, but the old is dying. You feel cutoff, bereft, it’s nasty, but you have to walk through that door.” He elaborated further: “You’re on the spiritual path, there’s going to be parts of you that you cherish that are going to die because they are not you. You inherited them, you created them to survive in the world. But when they begin to die and the new hasn’t emerged just yet, it’s very dark.” After all of this, I can confirm, it’s extremely dark. And it’s lonely as hell. And yes, I write things out here. And I cry to the safe people in my life. But there is no way for me to put all of this into words that could make people understand. I just feel broken. And right now I am doing my best out in the world while I’m surrounded by all of these broken pieces that I don’t know what to do with.

I share here because it’s important that I do. I don’t know why, but it is. I’ve been depressed and I’ve been medicated, that won’t help me right now. I have this aching feeling in my chest that has been haunting me for over a year that I never had or felt before. And it’s easy for you to read this and diagnose me with whatever mental illness you prefer. But I’ve already done all of that and I will tell you, don’t bother. This shit is deep in my soul. And yes, I probably have OCD, the intrusive spiral thoughts are a dead giveaway. But I’m afraid if I medicate for that, I will not get to the place I need to get to. I was numb and blind for a long time, so yea, I have some big fucking feelings that I’m trying to manage after years of shoving them down into my little body. I am giving myself a moment.

I know this is a lot. I know. I am self aware to a fault. Whatever thoughts people have on me, I’ve already thought them. Yesterday, my soul felt empowered. I am always underestimated, but that’s on me. I am constantly showing people how I want to be treated, and it’s not great. So I need to do better in that aspect. I need to remember what it felt like to not give a shit yesterday. I am a good person. I have good intentions that sometimes get side tracked. I need to believe in myself and remember that I’m human and I make mistakes. I need to stop punishing myself for mistakes I make. I need to remind myself that I am strong, even when I feel weak. And I need to remember that it’s dark right now, but it won’t be like this forever. I live for those moments of light and there will be more. I just need to get out of my own way.

There is a lost little soul inside of me that is begging me to take the steps and do the things that will lead me to where I need to go. If I can get passed the terror of change, I know that I will make it through. I’ll make it through regardless, but I would like to be happy when all is said and done. I have the next few days off from both jobs and I’m not making any promises to myself, because that just gives me an opportunity to break them and disappoint myself. But I have a few things on my list that will get done that I know will help me feel a little lighter. And for now, that will have to be enough.

Wishing you a happy thanksgiving. I am grateful to be here with all of you. As always, thank you for reading.

camminare fa passare ogni tristezza, ti va di passeggiare insieme? meriti del mondo ogni sua bellezza, dicono che non c’è niente di più fragile di una promessa, ed io non te ne farò nemmeno una… quello che voglio io da te, non lo so spiegare, ma se tu vai via, porti i miei sogni con te… piccola anima, tu non sei per niente piccola…

Song name: PICCOLA ANIMA/ Artist: Ermal Meta/ Year: 2017

SATELLITE CALL

this one’s for the lonely child, brokenhearted, running wild, this was written for the one to blame, one who believe they are the cause of chaos and everything, you may find yourself in the dead of night, lost somewhere up in the great big beautiful sky, you were all just perfect little satellites, spinning round and round this broken earthly life, this is so you’ll know the sound of someone who loves you from the ground, tonight you’re not alone at all, this is me sending out my satellite call…

I slept like shit last night. I woke up a few times, fell back asleep, finally on the last time I got out of bed to come and sit on the couch. I was fine with it. I knew I would nap again around the 6:00 hour. It’s the same bullshit every day. The only difference between weekdays and weekends is that my nap starts a little later and I can sleep more than 3o minutes on the couch. I am beyond exhausted. When I get more than 4 hours sleep, it’s exciting. And that’s also bullshit because why am I praising the bare fucking minimum? I should be able to fucking sleep.

My day started normally. I was fine. I did a lot yesterday and knew that I would be glued to the couch for the day. But I’m hormonal and bitchy and I don’t know why I was caught off guard when my mood changed this afternoon. I had to run to the store to get something. A song shuffled while I was in the car for, I don’t know, 10 minutes? And I pulled over a block away from home so that I could sob my eyes out. Sobbing. I’m fine, I promise. I am just never at rest. Never at peace. Always feeling like a failure. Always feeling like I’m doing something wrong. Always feeling like a bad person. And sometimes a song shuffles and I’m in tears. Because there are too many things swirling in my brain pointing me in that direction and I just have to give in.

And crying once a week doesn’t phase me anymore. I used to cry like this DAILY, so we are moving fucking mountains over here. But it’s like this purge of all the shit that I can’t control making it’s way out of my body and I have to let it. Usually I feel better after and I move on with my day. Today was not one of those days. Because of the hormones, I am sad girl, and I know that tomorrow will be better.

Why am I writing it here, again? Because I fucking need to, that’s why. I don’t know. I felt the need to write about all of this. Whatever the reason, it’s here. And I know it’s just one moment in my life and it will pass. But I get scared, because what if it won’t? I can’t think like that, I know, but this is where sad girl is today in this moment. I do have another post currently on the back burner that will be better. It’s something I’ve been working on for a few weeks. And it’s a testament to the internal progress that I’ve been making. But today, I felt the need to post this shit again because I feel like I took more steps back. We are all broken in the most beautiful and unique ways. And some of us are able to deal with it in healthy ways. And some of us just cry a lot. Maybe you’re not okay today and needed to read this? If that’s the case, I hope you know you’re not alone.

So this is my satellite call to you, to me, to all of us: You are not a bad person. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You are a human being. You matter. Even when you feel worthless, you’re not. Even when you feel like you don’t deserve love, you do. Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet, so don’t let the bad moments make you feel like you don’t deserve them, because you do. And if there are people in your life telling you those things and making you feel like that, please know that they are talking about themselves, not you. Life is a wild ride. Things happen without explanation and we are just supposed to figure them out without any guidebook or road map. And sometimes we make wrong turns but I have to believe that those were meant to take you to the right places eventually. Bad moments don’t equal a bad life.

And that’s all I wanted to say to you today. Because I needed to hear it too. And we all really need to start believing it…

this is so you’ll know the sound, someone who loves you from the ground, tonight you’re not alone at all, this is me sending out my satellite call…

Song name: SATELLITE CALL/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2013

SEPTEMBER

how the time passed away, all the trouble that we gave, and all those days we spent out by the lake… has it all gone to waste, all the promises we made? one by one, they vanish just the same… of all the things I still remember, summers never looked the same, the years go by and time just seems to fly, but the memories remain, in the middle of September, we’d still play out in the rain, nothing to lose but everything to gain, reflecting now on how things could’ve been, it was worth it in the end…

This song has been haunting me for the last year. In the best way possible, but I don’t know why. Last year, I was in the throes of this dark night, I was sitting on the couch in a Las Vegas hotel listening to music, while everyone else was napping. I was playing a game on my phone and this song shuffled in my earbuds. From the first guitar riff I got a rush of chills up my spine that made their way through my entire face, and tears started pouring out of my eyes. This song never had any effect on me other than me really liking it. I was sobbing. Since everyone was sound asleep, I hid in the bathroom and I FaceTimed with my best friend since childhood. And she talked me through whatever breakdown I was having like a champ, but seriously I had no idea where it came from.

I had mentioned it at a Reiki session because I couldn’t forget about it. And if I remember correctly, I cried again while talking about it. She told me to dig in and see maybe what the song was written about and maybe that would give me some answers. So I did. And one line always hits me right in the eyeballs every time I hear it… “Yeah, we knew we had to leave this town, but we never knew when and we never knew how, we would end up here the way we are…” So I dug in. And it’s obvious where the lyric came from. Daughtry grew up in a tiny town in North Carolina and knew that if he was ever going to make anything of himself, he would have to leave. Obviously. But I’m not sure how I relate to it and I’m not sure why it hits me as hard as it does at this time in my life.

I went on with my life, this song and my new reaction to it always floating around in my grey matter. Every time it shuffles and I am able to Google it, I do. And I try to see if there’s any other information that might trigger something in my brain that would help me figure out why every single time it shuffles I get the same reaction. Seriously, the first guitar riff and I am hit with chills up my spine and through my face. I don’t sob anymore, but a tear or two may trickle out of my eyes. Like seriously, what the fuck?!

It happened again today while I was on the train to work. And so I did my usual trip to Google and, for the first time, watched some of the interviews with Chris Daughtry explaining the meaning of the song. I proceeded to go into a Daughtry rabbit hole after, but that’s not the point here. Anyway, something he said about it made way more sense to me beyond that one line that hits me every time. The song is about being a kid and enjoying every ounce of summer. No stress, no responsibilities, just pure joy. Then September rolls around and it’s back to your regularly scheduled programming. And I remember being a kid and getting sick to my stomach a week before school started, scared to death thinking about what the school year would be like.

This whole year I’ve been figuring out a lot of shit about myself. And although anxiety seems to be the shining star of the show right now, it seems that it was always there and I never named it. Every night before the first day of school, I couldn’t sleep. Up all night with reeling thoughts that I couldn’t control. Does any of this sound familiar?! Jesus! Honestly, I’m writing this out and just completely flabbergasting myself. Maybe this song has been trying to push me, even more, into the childhood shit that I never even thought to give a second thought to.

The moment that adulthood creeps in and your summers are no different, it sucks. I remember the first big girl job I had, and realizing that summer as an adult with a job just meant you went to work in very hot weather. Your weekends become the lifeblood that keeps you going in the rat race that life has now become. And that’s such a fucking downer. Once you get to that point, there is really no turning back. And you immediately realize why the adults in your life didn’t really give a shit about your great day when theirs was exactly the same as it was the day before… So yea, childhood summers were everything. And maybe we need to be reminded of the nostalgia of all of it. Because it was fucking glorious. “Now the days are so long that summer’s moving on, we reach for something that’s already gone…”

I am still not entirely sure why this song is haunting me, but after writing this out, I think it’s trying to remind me of something. So I’m going to lean in. And I’m going to dig a little deeper, because maybe I’m moving in the right direction? I don’t know, but it’s trying to tell me something. I have been stuck in this endless loop of the same thing day in and day out for so long, that maybe I just need to be reminded of a time that I was carefree. There are just so many cares now that everything feels so goddamn heavy. And maybe it’s trying to remind me of a time where life was much, much lighter? I don’t fucking know LOL. But I’m kind of glad I went down this rabbit hole. I remembered a LOT Of things that really made me smile, and I hope if you also went down the rabbit hole, you thought of some things(s) that really made you smile.

As always, thanks for reading. I’m always here if you need me.

now it all seems so clear, there’s nothing left to fear, so we made our way by finding what was real… now the days are so long that summer’s moving on, we reach for something that’s already gone, yeah… of all the things I still remember summers never looked the same, the years go by and time just seems to fly, but the memories remain… in the middle of September, we’d still play out in the rain, nothing to lose, but everything to gain, reflecting now on how things could’ve been, it was worth it in the end… yeah, we knew we had to leave this town, but we never knew when, and we never knew how, we would end up here the way we are…

Song name: SEPTEMBER/ Artist: Daughtry/ Year: 2009


BACK INTO THE LIGHT

sometimes my mind feels like a valley, so I take it to the bar, fill it up like an ocean to drown my troubles in, just to find out what good swimmers they are… it’d make some sense, if some was made to me, sometimes I don’t see love in anything, and just when I surrender to my shadow, I snap out of it, and step into the light, I step back into the light…

There’s a post that is sitting in my drafts that I’ve been writing and editing for the last 3 weeks. I’m going to trash it. It’s irrelevant now. And I’m really fucking proud of that. It was a post just like all the others. Sadness, triggers, complaints, sprinkled with some more sadness. This is the first time in a year plus that I don’t want to write about that shit anymore. I am going to touch on a few of the items from that post, because I feel like they will fit with what I’m trying to write today, but that’s it. We are writing about it and we are moving the fuck on.

The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. And I’m not downplaying the way things made me feel. There were a lot of things, it felt like all at once, and it all came to a screeching halt when I felt like enough was enough. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? The problem is me. I’m the problem. And only I can fix it. So yea, there are still going to be really shitty moments, but dammit I need to start changing the way I let these things affect me. And I know I’ve been saying that for over a year now, but something finally clicked the other day. I don’t want to fucking live like this anymore.

My anxiety has become my identity. It has totally consumed me. And I have always been transparent about it. I felt that maybe if people knew that about me, right from the jump, that maybe it would be helpful. What my transparency has actually done is make people treat me with kid gloves. They approach me like I’m a ticking time bomb. It hasn’t been easier. I have felt ashamed and stupid. People hide things from me to spare my frail state of mind and then drop bombs on me anyway. So I’m done being transparent with the world. I will be the most authentic version of me by not telling anyone anything. The more people know, the more they can weaponize your own shit at you. And I’m not giving people that advantage anymore.

Am I angry? A little. Am I hurt. Yes. These last 3 weeks my eyes have actually been open. I have never paid this much attention to myself or the way people behave towards me. I have taken it all in and actually sat and processed how things have been making me feel. And I have been doing it silently. Silently calling my power back each day. And it has been bringing me back to life. I have my moments throughout the day where I want to break down, and then I reel it all back in. I don’t let myself spiral too much. I find myself jump scaring here and there, but as soon as I feel it, I reel it in. And that has been helping me so much. Within the last few weeks I had allowed myself to hit rock bottom, feeling like the most worthless piece of shit. And like, why? The world is cruel enough, I at least need to be my own ally.

I can’t really explain what changed except that I have been talking about the same shit for the last year and not doing any of the things I want to do. I keep hiding behind this mask and letting myself run on this hamster wheel because it’s comfortable and I know how it feels. I have heard over and over again that your nervous system will always choose the familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven. Your whole entire body is just trying to work to keep you safe from whatever it is your afraid of. And so it keeps you in this endless loop because you know it and you’ll deal with it how you’ve always dealt with it. Excuse me, but that’s fucking crazy! And like I said, something finally clicked, and living in a familiar hell of anxiety isn’t something I want to choose anymore.

Rome wasn’t built in a day though. Some things are going to take me a lot of time and I’m realistic about that at least. There are still some things that really fucking bother me and little by little I’m picking them apart. They’ll take time and I’m making sure that I keep reminding myself of that. Most important thing that I have to keep telling myself is that everything will be alright. Because it will. Even when it really really feels like it won’t.

Something really strange happened last week. I’ve been listening to a lot of spiritual stuff over the last year. And I’m constantly questioning why none of it seemed to be working. The problem is me. I’m not saying that in a negative way. I promise. I’m saying it because it’s a fact. I was hearing all of this stuff, but not really listening. Last week when I got the rug pulled out from under me again, I realized that I had been listening, because I remembered something that I heard. “It’s not happening TO me, it’s happening FOR me”. This whole time I’ve been bitching and moaning that nothing happens for me, it’s always happening to me. And like, it’s not though. Everything is happening exactly how it is supposed to be happening, whether I like it or not. And I finally saw it happen for me and it blew my mind. It was a eureka moment for me for sure, and I’ve really been trying to stay in that mindset because it can only benefit me.

I just really feel, at this point, that I have no idea who I am. There are so many things that people associate with me, and those things became my identity. And I’ve always just gone with it because it made sense to go with it. But every day it feels like I’m moving away from those things. These things that make me who I am, don’t feel like me anymore. Things that are typically labeled as “so me” don’t feel like that anymore. And that’s a really weird fucking place to be. I’m trying to make sense of all of it, but it just seems like every day something else shifts, even just the tiniest bit. And it’s a little unnerving, but it’s also something I’m extremely curious about. It’s just a constant flip flop of feeling like I’m on the verge of something really awesome, while also being paralyzed by fear that these changes won’t make sense to anyone else.

I have to believe that this entire journey is not for nothing. It seems that everyday I learn something new about myself, even if it’s just a little something. I cried today for a moment and apologized out loud. Not because I felt disappointed that I cried, but because it was making its way out of me and I didn’t know where to put it. And it lasted maybe 10 minutes and I moved on. That’s a step for me. In the last year, any time tears were involved, they hung around for a while, sometimes days. So I’ll take that as a little victory and know that I have the ability to acknowledge and move forward.

I’m making a conscious focus to change the way I think. I am making a conscious effort to stop believing that I’m a victim in this life. I have lived a life in a negative mindset and it hasn’t helped me one bit. So yea, I have moments, but that’s all they are. They’re moments and they will pass. I can’t let them grow, I need to continue to stop them in their tracks. Breaking the habit of the spiral has been tough, but I know I can do it. This is just the beginning. I can keep walking out of the darkness, even if it’s the smallest steps. Something needs to change. I am the problem, the problem is me. But we are working on solutions now. We are working on getting back to the light. Even if it’s a light that I don’t currently recognize. It will become familiar eventually.

As always, thanks for reading. I’m always here if you need me.

when my dreams feel like a rusty rail that I slapped on a coat of paint, as the layers cracked and chipped and failed, this wretched lie is all that remains… it’d make some sense, if some was made to me, sometimes I don’t see love in anything, and just when I surrender to my shadow, I snap out of it, yeah, I snap out of it, and I step into the light, I step back into the light…

Song name: BACK INTO THE LIGHT/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2020