Author: lmvschmidt

I gamble big for the smallest part, I know it’s not enough to change what’s been going on, but it’s all I got, I misjudge and switch up, from target to target, miscalculate what it is that I wanted, swimming in circles, in search of substance in shallow waters, that give me nothing, how can optimists be cynical? so, if I’m honest I think I’m beginning to question how much I want this, overloaded serial stressor, I’m sitting nauseous, panic on a loop in my head, I’m chronically cautious, how can I get off this? to keep it simple I think I’ve been willingly following every impulse, picturing a future, then tossing it out the window, suffocate the fire I started right when it kindles, passionate but fickle…

I’m warning you ahead of time, this is going to be all over the place. I am currently all over the place. There are far too many tabs open in my brain and I don’t even know where to begin. And this is the problem with me, always. I get myself wrapped up in too many things and then bitch about being overwhelmed. Historically I have been the one who would thrive in total chaos, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore.

I have been writing about my struggles here for quite a while and still haven’t done a damn thing about any of them. And so I’m sitting here writing this today, completely fed up with myself. Am I supposed to just continue to be complacent with my own mediocrity? Could it actually be that I have so much fear about the unknown that I’m just going to be stuck in what I know and am unhappy with for the rest of my life? That really doesn’t sound like fun at all.

I have so many things being cooked up in my brain, things that I want to put out into the world, that I never finish because the thought of doing all the work only to fail is just too overwhelming. Like a deer in headlights, I don’t move. The fear of failure makes my brain shut down so I don’t proceed. Another fire doused before it even has a chance to ignite. Why am I like this? Why can’t I go all in and just trust the process? Because, life. That’s why.

Somewhere along the line I stopped being carefree. I started caring about every little thing. And every little thing that made up every little thing. It’s exhausting. It’s because of unresolved trauma that I’m trying to fucking resolve it, but it doesn’t happen overnight. And I really admire people who honestly float through life on a cloud. My feet are firmly planted in the ground with ivy growing up my legs because I’ve been stagnant for so long, paralyzed by fear.

Tonight is a full moon plus lunar eclipse and everyone is saying that now is the time to let go of the shit that is weighing you down so that you can move forward. And once again, I’m frozen in place. I have written down all of the negative thoughts that I have regarding abundance and having a good life, ready to release all of them, but the bottom line is that, no matter which way I slice it, I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone like me would deserve a good life. That’s years and years of being my own worst enemy just creeping out of every one of my pores.

Recently I have been trying to step out of my comfort zone. Tiny steps, but I’m taking them. And it’s getting a little easier to breathe. I have a lot of really good stuff in my life and I just want so badly to be able to use all that good to push myself forward. I have people who have my back and would push me and support me. It’s me that is the problem. And that me voice speaks louder than everyone and I need to figure out a way to shut that bitch up.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to shut her up. Her words will no longer have an effect on me because I know they’re not true. I do not accept that energy! I’m going to start listening to the voices that matter and little by little that voice inside will fade until I can’t even hear her anymore. I have to pick one thing, focus on it, and complete it. Regardless of the voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough and that I will fail. Because I won’t ever know unless I try. And I have to try, right?!

Anyway, sorry again for the rambling but this is how we take the trash out. We talk about it, get it out of the system, and move forward. I promise that I’m going to do my best. And I hope that you see my bullshit and laugh and promise yourself that you won’t go down this rabbit hole. That you will do better than what you read here. That you will know your value and not let anyone, not even yourself, deplete it in any way.

I’m here for you if you need me. Let’s try and be better because it’s getting a little ridiculous watching assholes succeed in life while the rest of us are questioning if we are good enough!

Thanks for reading, I appreciate you!

the source of my serotonin is only digital, ’cause my reality’s fading, I guess it’s typical, can’t switch back, it’s mismatched in dopamine, get whiplash, it hits fast, controlling me, swerving in silence, I’m all alone, in traffic, I’m trapped and I can’t find home, I’m an optimist who’s cynical (That’s f’king miserable)… so, if I’m honest I think I’m beginning to question how much I want this, overloaded serial stressor, I’m sitting nauseous, panic on a loop in my head, I’m chronically cautious, how can I get off this? to keep it simple, I think I’ve been willingly following every impulse, picturing a future, then tossing it out the window, suffocate the fire I started right when it kindles, passionate but fickle…

Song name: CHRONICALLY CAUTIOUS/ Artist: Braden Bales/ Year: 2023

I’m a liar, I’m a cynic, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I’m a loser, I’m a critic, I’m the ghost of my mistakes, and it’s all my fault that I’m still the one you want, what are you after? some kind of disaster? I crashed down from a high it felt so real, I never knew how much it would hurt to feel, you gotta hurt sometimes to learn to heal, you gotta get back up and learn to deal…

Last week was rough. Trying to figure out my emotions, every single day, is beyond exhausting. Trying to regulate while also trying not to get too overwhelmed is a job in and of itself. So when everything is going fine on the hamster wheel, no hiccups tripping me up, it’s already a tough job trying to stay even keeled. Add in a hiccup and everything I built just crumbles.

I don’t actually know what I’m building anymore. I feel like as soon as I start laying some ground work, someone comes in, who says they’re on my side and has my back, and just starts kicking shit around. Everyone has their issues, I get it. Fuck, I’m the most understanding person when it comes to hurt people hurting people. I’m just so goddamn tired of whatever it is inside of me allowing people to fuck with my progress.

I’m such a bleeding heart that I feel bad for the people who are hurting me. Is that the most insane thing you’ve ever heard?! It sounds insane to me. But I know that they’re hurting and that makes me sad. I’m such an empath that I just let people take whatever I have left even if it’s only crumbs at this point. And even in my darkest hour, I’ll still find a way to help someone who needs it more than me. And I’m glad, at the very least, that I haven’t lost that.

I just try so hard to stay on the up and up and it’s so much work for me. Negativity is just so much easier to embrace and accept. And it’s like the second I get myself to a decent amount of positive, someone comes along and wrecks it. Because being positive isn’t my natural state of being, so the negative comes in and I allow it take over. Negative makes sense to me. I don’t know how to sustain positive.

It’s so frustrating living inside a brain that has so many different things firing on all the cylinders all the time. I am always trying to do the right thing and I lose sight of what the right thing is for me. I back myself into corners and have no one to blame but myself. Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I feel like I’m just paving this beautiful road to no end.

If I’m being totally honest here, the only people who go directly for my jugular and never miss are the people in my family. And that’s because there is a world of hurt that has maintained a secure spot in my heart and so every time someone says something, whether it was intended to hurt or not, all of that existing hurt just pours out of me. And that makes me feel weak and very much like a failure and I hate that about myself. The good news is that I’ve been working on it and it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. That doesn’t make me hate that feeling any less though.

When I got into the fight that prompted this post, I was caught completely off guard. I thought it was going to be a normal, shoot the shit kind of conversation. And it went completely off the fucking rails, very quickly. The person I was talking to knew what to say to hurt me. And as he was going off on his tangent, I sat on the other side of the phone line with a lump the size of a boulder in my throat with burning hot tears pouring out of my eyes, unable to speak. When he finally gave me the chance to speak up for myself, I told him that he and other family members who have told me that they just want me to be happy are fucking liars. And that I will never be happy in my life because they don’t want me to be. They want me to be miserable like them. I told him, literally every day that I’m alive, you guys ruin my fucking life.

Is that what I should have said? Does that sound like something that a nice person who cares for people would say? NO. But in the heat of the moment I said what I truly felt for the first time, probably, ever. His words were hurting me, so I just let it all out. I didn’t hold back to spare his feelings. In that moment, what was the point? The thing about words is that once you say them you can’t take them back. Luckily, I was speaking to a person who was raised by the same family so there’s no harm, no foul. But I don’t ever want to say things like that again. I was proud of myself for being honest, but also felt an insane amount of gnawing shame.

So I’m sharing this because maybe you needed to hear it. Maybe you needed to see that when people push your boundaries and you lose your fucking mind that it’s okay. Maybe you needed to see that you’re not the only one who hates the way shit plays out sometimes. Maybe you’re tired of dealing with the same shit over and over again. There’s a million maybe’s. But the point is that you need to know it’s okay. If you are doing the work and you’re trying to do better, keep going. Don’t ever give up. You deserve a good life, even when the little voice in your head tries to tell you that you don’t. Even when hurt people try to hurt you.

This post took me a long time to write. When I said last week, it was actually 2 weeks ago. But something told me to finish it and so I did. Too many of us are hurting right now, so let’s all try to be adults and let it out in healthy ways. Try to be kind even when it hurts. And don’t be so hard on yourself if you can’t do that right now.

Thanks for reading…

well I’ve sung this song a thousand times, I wore the crown, I sold the lie, I lived the life and paid for every crime, it’s all downhill, still it’s a climb, through blood and tears but I don’t mind, I’ll just keep singing on and on and on…

Song name: SOME KIND OF DISASTER/ Artist: All Time Low / Year: 2020

well I woke up to the sound of silence and cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight, and I found you with a bottle of wine, your head in the curtains and heart like the Fourth of July… you swore and said, “we are not, we are not shining stars” this I know, I never said we are… though I’ve never been through hell like that I’ve closed enough windows to know you can never look back… if you’re lost and alone, or you’re sinking like a stone, carry on… may your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on…

Over a month ago I watched a documentary on HBO Max called “Katrina Babies”. I had written this post and published it and then quickly took it down because it didn’t feel right to me. So months later, here I am fixing it. Round 2, let’s go!

Quick side note, 1 paragraph in, I am someone who is completely captivated with all things Katrina. I have watched every single documentary. I own a LOT of books on it. Some just contain photographs. Some are autobiographies. Some are books all about the science of how and why it happened. Doesn’t matter what the book contains, I have it, I’ve read it and I am deep in it. I was in New Orleans pre-Katrina and for some reason I have this very weird connection (obsession?) to it. I can’t explain it, but I am always drawn to things about it.

Anyway, Katrina Babies was an eye opening documentary. Then again, every documentary on anything Katrina related is painfully eye opening. As someone living in New York, I couldn’t be farther from it. New York City is full of culture but it’s different. Different in a way that I can’t really explain at this time. And I’m not even going to try to gentrify it in this post. It’s different in a way that I will never know, and that’s okay. Period.

Katrina Babies was directed by a man named Edward Buckles Jr. who was 13 when Katrina hit the city of New Orleans. Read about him and his documentary here: https://time.com/6207875/katrina-babies-edward-buckles-jr-interview/ It’s worth the read. And the documentary is worth the watch. Because children are the future and no one ever asks how things affect them. The shit we don’t ask them when they’re young often materializes into behaviors that we don’t understand, or want to understand as they grow up. It’s easier to blame the environment, their friends, their parents, their teachers, etc. Meanwhile, if we looked at the science, we would see that when something traumatic happened in their formative years, chances are they’re dealing with, or not dealing with, all of that unresolved trauma well into their adulthood.

I’m not writing this post to take away from the documentary. I’m not writing this to take focus off of that and put the focus on me. But there are really important things that need to be talked about and the documentary is a jumping off point for a lot of those things. Conversations about trauma and coping with it are vast. And we might be finally getting to a point where talking about it is more common than not talking about it.

Having this outlet has helped me tremendously, but I want to avoid talking about the sad girl shit all the time. There’s clearly something that’s trying to work it’s way out but I can’t put my finger on what the fuck it actually is. And I imagine that a lot of other people feel that way. The way you are is a culmination of your life experiences up to now. And every day there is more stuff that comes into your life that changes you. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. Every single experience, big or small, is adding to who you’ll be. I always joke that I can’t pick my clothes out the night before because I don’t know which me will wake up in the morning. It’s a joke, but there’s a lot of truth to it. Because my life experiences have turned me into these weird versions of myself and it feels like everyday I’m navigating into brand new territory that’s also strangely familiar.

My life has not been a bad life. It hasn’t been easy and I feel like I’ve done a lot of it on my own. I have never met anyone like me and so it’s difficult for me to figure out what I’m actually dealing with. And so this new area of my life that I’m exploring has been really difficult for me. It’s like I’m late to the game of processing all the shit that I’ve pushed down for so long and it’s just overflowing out of me. And I don’t want it to affect the people that I love, and I’m terrified that it will. But the truth is that many of us are dealing with too much right now, and it’s just the way that we deal with it that’s different.

No matter which way you slice it, trauma is trauma. And it’s not up to you to decide how someone else deals with theirs. It’s not up to us to write someone else’s problems off just because they seem easier to deal with than your problems. We are all wired differently, so we are all going to deal with it differently. There is this quote from Morticia Addams (KWEEN) that says: “Normal is an illusion… what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly…” Let that marinate. I have been both the spider and the fly, and when you put it into that perspective, it kind of makes you think, doesn’t it?

I have caught myself, so many times, quickly judging people for stupid shit. Honestly, like who the fuck am I to judge? There are a lot of reasons why people do the shit they do. And I can guarantee that even the stupidest shit can be linked back to some sort of trauma. I’m saying the word trauma a lot, but that’s a blanket term. Because it doesn’t have to be something you would deem as “traumatic” but these experiences do weird shit to you. I remember I was in 8th or 9th grade and there was this girl in my Social Studies class who always had an attitude. And one day a group of us were talking before the teacher started the class and she says to me “oh my God, do you have an off switch?!” First of all, was it necessary to embarrass me in front of my peers? No, but mission accomplished. This is something very, very stupid, but it altered my brain chemistry. To this day, a million years later, if I’m talking with a group of people, I catch myself because I remember what she said, and wonder if I’m talking too much, and I shut down. Pauline, if you somehow see this, NO, I don’t have an off switch and fuck you.

Anyway, this example was one ridiculous thing, but can you imagine the impact of someone saying this to you, but they were someone you actually loved and admired? Can you imagine trying to speak your truth and someone shutting you down and calling you names? Can you imagine feeling a certain way and trying to tell someone and them telling you that your feelings don’t matter? Or that your life doesn’t even come close to the life they had? I’m not saying we should all be therapists and handle everyone’s feelings with kid gloves, but maybe we could stand to be a little kinder? Could we maybe try to see that when people act a certain way that maybe there’s a reason for it? And that maybe you won’t hear that reason right away because people are apprehensive about giving a reason until they feel comfortable? I don’t know, it really fucks me up how quickly people will laugh at your problems when you’re not fucking laughing. How people will outright embarrass you because what you’re talking about makes them uncomfortable so they deflect. Hurt people hurt people. People who have done the work on themselves don’t just treat people like shit.

Again, I’m not saying everyone has to be a sobbing mess about stupid shit that happens in this life, but a lot of the shit you encounter isn’t about you. And once you start approaching life like that, you can’t un-approach it. There’s a reason for everything.

Circling back to Katrina Babies, these children were displaced from their homes. Whether it was a family decision to leave and take them away from everything they knew, or they stayed and had to be removed from their homes that flooded with boats or helicopters, no adults in their lives ever asked what the aftermath of that did to them. They dealt with shit so far beyond what their brains were equipped to deal with at the time. Most of them were speaking about it for the first time in this documentary when they were being interviewed as adults. And their grown ups had no idea that their kids were suffering internally. Because they were kids, and kids are resilient. Yes, they are, but it’s not up to you to put that on them. It’s not up to any of us to decide what the rest of their lives will be like. Trauma like that has to come out eventually, and sometimes the outcome isn’t good. People don’t always end up on their feet when they fall and there has to be a better way to resolve situations like that.

We have to start paying attention. And it’s not sugar coating anything. Please don’t tell me you were beaten as a child and look how great you turned out. Don’t do that. It’s okay if you’re not fine. You don’t have to be a sad sack like me about your trauma, but you also don’t have to be a dick. There’s a sweet spot between sad sack and dick and if we can find it, that will be what fixes the world we live in. I’m currently working on being more kind and understanding. And I have really shitty moments because unlearning behavior is a process, but I’m trying really hard to make sure that I can be a safe place for people who don’t have one. I’m trying to take the shit that I’ve been through, stupid as some of it might be, and turn it into something useful. And I hope that you read this and want to do the same. It’s not going to happen overnight, but all of these little changes will eventually turn into something bigger than all of us.

I’m not sure if anything in this post made sense, and I promise that I wasn’t using this documentary to get views here. Watching it opened my eyes a little wider and I wanted to share. I hope that something in this post resonated with you, and if not, thanks for reading anyway.

’cause we are, we are shining stars, we are invincible, we are who we are… on our darkest day, when we’re miles away, so we’ll come we will find our way home… if you’re lost and alone, or you’re sinking like a stone, carry on… may your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on…

Song name: CARRY ON/ Artist: FUN./ Year: 2012

I don’t write ’cause I don’t think, I don’t have a need to speak, I don’t see the bright side quite as clear… accolades and happy days, they don’t ever last, stories of courage clouded up with fear… in the broom grass, I would l lie, glimmer in my eye, the sun smiled back on me, from victory, I tried to match eternal light with how I live my life, of course, I was forced to retreat, from victory, I accept defeat…

In the grand scheme of mental health, things are getting lighter. They’re not all gone, but they’re lighter. It’s probably because I’m just learning to live with them, but they’re lighter none the less. I’m struggling a lot these days and I’m not afraid to admit it. Paying attention to myself and things I need is not something I’m used to. So when I do it, I’m uncomfortable. And living in a state of discomfort isn’t exactly living the dream.

I don’t really know who I am anymore. It was much easier to be complacent with what everyone else wanted and needed. And that was who I was. I was the girl who did all the things that other people needed. Being a people pleaser was my identity. And it’s not that I’m not a people pleaser anymore, it’s that it makes me uncomfortable and that’s unfamiliar to me. It used to make me happy, and sometimes it still does, but that’s only when it’s on MY terms. The fog in my brain lifted and I realized that everything that has happened in my life was manifested by me.

All of the things that I rejected and ran from are the things that I’m currently dealing with. And I say to myself sometimes that it can possibly be that this is what I’ve managed to create for myself. But it is. I was a doormat. And I have allowed far too much. And I’m here now, absolutely emotionally exhausted, realizing that it’s all because of me. I gave people the wide open door to walk through and they walked right in and made themselves at home. Am I going to throw them out? Of course not. But I’m trying to find a little corner for myself where I fit. It’s a full house, but there has to be a little corner for me.

And asking for a small corner took a LOT of work. And that small corner is all I’ve got. I can’t ask for more than that, I’m not there yet. Me asking for that corner confused a handful of people. Why does she want a corner? What’s wrong with her? Something must be wrong with her! She never wanted a corner before! Now I have to make her a corner and that’s ridiculous! How dare she!

I get frustrated and continue to internalize the feelings because I know it’s weird that I’m not acting like myself. I’m in a constant state of feeling defeated because I still don’t know how to get whatever it is I’m feeling out in the right way. And I never want to hurt people with my feelings so I just keep shoving them down. I’ve asked for help before and just didn’t go the way I needed it to, so I keep shoving it all down. So when it finally does come out, it’s weird for people. I never did that before, so when I do it makes people uncomfortable. And so there’s this very strange adjustment period for everyone involved, and that’s probably the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever written!

Consideration for other people’s feelings and behavior is not something that is welcomed in society. I have a brain that always searches for the why. I give people the benefit of the doubt all the time. I make excuses for people and try to be a decent person because I know everyone has something going on in their lives that they’re coping with. And the empath in me won’t shut the fuck up about it even when people are being really awful and insensitive. Because I know that hurt people hurt people. People who have done the work on themselves and figured out what makes them tick don’t deliberately make people feel like shit. So that little bit of information is locked and loaded in my brain and I do my best to take the high road when I see someone is going low.

I’m just seeing and hearing such awful things lately and I’m just doing my best to keep my head above the water. Shitty things are happening to really good people and that doesn’t make sense to me. My brain can’t comprehend things like that. And the frustration of all of it continues. And if we all looked at our problems as lessons life would be a lot easier. But we often don’t figure out that it’s a lesson until much later or until we are ready to see it. That sounds like a whole bunch of bullshit, but I know it’s true. And the truth isn’t always what we want to see.

I feel like I always come here to write out all this sad sack shit and just talk in circles. Somehow it’s helping me so it is what it is. I can’t keep letting this internal voice let me think that I don’t matter. I matter. I don’t know why I matter, but I do. I’m going to keep going on this journey because I don’t know where it’s taking me but I know I’ll find out eventually. And that has to be enough for me.

I’m sorry if this was all over the place again. I’m sure that it will make sense eventually. I will leave you with this… Life is really fucking hard. And it throws wicked curve balls at you to deliberately knock you on your ass. Please always get back up. I’m rooting for you, I promise. I know I just ranted and raved about being a doormat, but I’m opening the door for you and I will share my small corner with you if you need it…

am I sad or am I sick? what’s at the root of it? do I throw my hands and quit? something tells me, no… worries on all sides of my mind, in silence, my darkness is denied… in the broom grass, I would l lie, glimmer in my eye, the sun smiled back on me from victory, I tried to match eternal light with how I live my life, of course, I was forced to retreat, and from victory, I accept defeat…

Song name: VICTORY/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2020

you can go, you can start all over again, you can try to find a way to make another day go by… you can hide, hold all your feelings inside, you can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry… maybe someday we’ll figure all this out, try to put an end to all our doubt, try to find a way to make things better now and maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud, we’ll be better off somehow, someday…

I’m not going to lie, the last couple of weeks (maybe months?) have been rough. Starting and then tapering off antidepressants isn’t an easy thing to do. And I’m positive that everything I’ve been going through lately is because I have fully tapered off Lexapro and I’m feeling fucking everything. That was not a good medication for me. I was on Zoloft for years because I used to have crippling panic attacks and my anxiety was out of control. And Zoloft really helped curb all of that. I never felt like it was doing anything, which I guess is good, but if I missed a dose or two I would get these ridiculous brain zaps and I would be like “shit! I need to take my meds!” But some where along the post Covid line, I started getting more depressed and I felt like maybe I needed something that would cater more towards depression and also help my anxiety at the same time. When I went for my annual physical after the new year I spoke to my doctor about it and we both agreed that I should try Lexapro.

It started off alright I guess. I definitely felt like I needed more so the doctor upped the daily dose. And about a month into it is when things started to change, and not in the way I expected or wanted. I started feeling even more depressed. I had zero drive, I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I sat on the couch and cuddled with the puppy. That was all I could muster up. Of course I didn’t realize this was happening until one day I was like “wow, I’m like really fucking sad.” and I realized how long I had been feeling that way and decided it was time to start tapering off the Lexapro. In all my battles with depression and anxiety, I had never felt or been as bad as I was. Also, the insurance/pharmaceutical industry is a fucking scam and a 90 day supply cost me over $300 with insurance. Why would I renew a prescription that wasn’t even working at that cost?!

Tapering off has been the most challenging thing for me. I don’t know how to do life after medication because I’ve been on some form of it for so long. One minute I’m great, feeling like I can do anything. And the next minute I’m flooded with brain zaps and feeling like I could cry at any moment. But, the only way out is through and man, am I going through it. I keep reminding myself that I will get through this and that I’m okay. It just sucks right now because I am in it. And maybe you’re reading this and thinking I’m fucking crazy and that I should be medicated. But that medicine was a mask and it made me disappear. I don’t even like myself most of the time, but I wasn’t feeling even a little bit like myself and I just wasn’t okay.

It may very well be the case that eventually some medication will help me. But the only way for me to find that out is to sit with whatever I am feeling and figure out if it’s something I can fix or if it’s something that needs medical intervention. Right now, it feels frustrating but manageable. But honestly, what the fuck do I know? All I really know is that when I started paying attention to myself, I opened up a fucking Pandora’s box that’s just wide open and running a muck on my mental health. There are bad habits and patterns that need to be broken. There are more boundaries that need to be set. There are even bigger strides that need to be made towards giving a shit about me. And I really do feel like I’ll get there, I just have to do the work. Medication made me not want to do anything. I didn’t even care if I bathed. I would peel myself off the couch, drag my ass into bed and not sleep for the entire night. I was exhausted. Every single part of my day was exhausting.

I can’t confidently say at this moment of writing this out that I feel better. I feel very messy, confused, frustrated and unhinged. The littlest things get on my nerves. And navigating my way through the mental health system in the United States is not something I’m up for right now. I don’t have the time, money or the patience to pick a therapist. I don’t have any desire to do talk or cognitive therapy. I am tired of testing people out to see who is the right fit for me, and having to spend at least $200 on a session that was fucking pointless. And I don’t want to pay $300+ on medication that doesn’t work the way I need it to. I just can’t do it right now. Down the road, I guess I’ll see, but right now I just don’t want to do it.

Please don’t misunderstand me here – if you have struggled or are struggling with your mental health please continue to do what you need to do. Take your meds. Talk to your doctors. Keep doing what you’re doing if it’s helping you. My issue is that nothing was helping me and starting from scratch isn’t what I feel I need to do right now. But if you have a plan that works, keep it going.

There’s just too much going on outside of my bubble right now. Too many things that I can’t control and those things just add fuel to the anxiety flame. I’m anxious about everything and I need to figure out the right way to self soothe. To shut all of that shit out and control what I can. I am slowly realizing that I have access to too much shit and like, I’m the type of person who shouldn’t pay attention to all of it.

I’ll give you an example: I got a pet camera for when I would leave my puppy home alone. I would check it way too much and found that I would spend my day worrying and watching her. After 3-ish weeks of that, I disconnected the camera and decided to have confidence in my smart puppy and just hope that my house wasn’t destroyed when I got home. Spoiler alert – it wasn’t. Having that camera gave me too much access and something like that does NOT work for someone like me.

Learning to trust whatever process this is is something I need to get comfortable with and it’s really fucking hard. I don’t really trust anything. I don’t have much faith in anything. I don’t have the ability to just fling shit up to the Universe and say “it will all work out” because life has kicked my ass a little bit and I’m just not wired that way. The good news is that I’m finally trying. I’m scared to death of what the future holds, but I think that I can muster up enough faith to let myself know that I will be okay. And that’s a good start, right?

Thanks for reading. I know that this post was messy, but I’m here if you need me…

I don’t wanna wait, I just wanna know, I just wanna hear you tell me so, give it to me straight, tell it to me slow… ’cause maybe someday we’ll figure all this out, we’ll put an end to all our doubt, try to find a way to just feel better now and maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud, we’ll be better off somehow, someday…

Song name: SOMEDAY/ Artist: Rob Thomas/ Year: 2009

To all the dirty looks, the kitty cat calls, to the ones who try and throw us up against the back walls, let me tell you something you’ll understand: only the little boys tell you they’re a big man… to all my sisters and all our friends, we have to thank them, please, strength means blessed with an enemy…

I don’t usually like repeating songs unless I have a point. So trust me when I tell you that there is a meaningful point to this repeat. The first time I used this song I talked about my armor and where it came from. Today, I’m here to talk more about the actual song because it is empowering and I feel like I really need to feel empowered. Maybe you do to?

I’m feeling very feisty lately in relation to the general icy fucking attitude towards women in this country. Maybe it’s because they keep taking our fucking rights away, or maybe I’m just hyper aware of how people, ahem, men, treat us and it’s really starting to grind my fucking gears. And honestly, it should grind yours too. My eyes are wide open now and what I’m seeing doesn’t make sense. I’m just trying to figure out how this happened.

We matter. We. Fucking. Matter. We are an integral part of the wheel of life, and I don’t know why people are constantly trying to insist that we aren’t. I touched on this, briefly, in my last post. And I was actually nervous about clicking “Publish” because I didn’t want to seem disrespectful or ungrateful. And I’ve had more time to think about it and let it marinate, if you will, and you know what? Fuck that. I’m done keeping my mouth shut about shit that’s important. Why should I be nervous for speaking about things that are true? Because I’m a woman? No, no, just no. If you’re mad, is it because you think I’m lying or is it because I’m speaking a bit of truth and it makes you uncomfortable?

I’m making a general statement. I know that all men aren’t like this. In fact, most men on this planet know a woman’s worth. It just seems that not enough of those men are the ones who are in positions of power. And I don’t know how we got this far into the future only to go back in time. Back to a time where women were here simply to do what the men needed. There have been so many women who have paved this beautiful path for us, and the men in power are still like “okay, doll face, why don’t you go make me a cup of coffee?” This narrative is gross and needs to just go the fuck away. It’s not going to just go the fuck away, it takes a lot of work and I just keep asking why? Why do we have to work at something that should just be normal?

On the live version of this song, Sara Bareilles explained that the seeds of this song were written when she got home from the Women’s March in DC. She spoke about how she had never felt more safe, seen or heard. That we were finally getting to a point where there was a shift in consciousness and that things that once were didn’t have to be anymore. That was recorded in 2019. What has changed? Because I felt the same way in 2019. I felt like we were finally going in the right direction. That our voices were finally being heard. Maybe things were finally going to be different. That being a woman meant something and that everyone was finally seeing it. And then they overturned Roe v. Wade. And like, I’m sorry, but go fuck yourself. I can think of 400 more issues off the top of my head that were exponentially more important than this, that need immediate attention, that have gone completely ignored because this is what the Supreme Court felt was really fucking important.

And I swear to God, if you fucking tell me that the life of an unborn fetus is more important than the life of the woman carrying it, just go away. This post, and honestly this entire fucking blog, it’s not for you. If you are a woman and want to keep spreading a false narrative about some bullshit that the men who voted to overturn Roe v. Wade keep telling you, I don’t have time for you.

Next they want to overturn every other fucking thing that made people feel safe in this country. Gay marriage, trans rights, ALL OF IT. Just get rid of it like it never happened. How about you mind your own fucking business and work on shit that actually matters? That would be great. Why don’t you work on stimulating the economy and oh, I don’t know, climate change? How about you worry about those things because those are things that actually affect ALL OF US. Overturning laws that were already put into place, that have only made life in this country more tolerable, doesn’t seem like shit a democratic nation should be worrying about. Those laws are good bro, let’s move on to the more important shit. Why are you going backward? Is it because you’re afraid to move forward?

I’m fired up right now and I’m probably talking in circles. But the future of our lives is in the hands of old men and delusional women who are stuck in a time that no longer exists. In order for things to actually change, you have to start somewhere. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that I live in a very progressive state where I can have an abortion safely and not get penalized for it. BUT, what about all of the women who don’t have that luxury? The women who are scared to death? What about them? It’s so much bigger than me or you. You have to take off the blinders and see this for exactly what it is. We have to collectively start somewhere and stay on an actual path into the future.

This wasn’t my most well written post, and I’m grown enough to admit that. But it’s because I’m furious. I’m sick of being treated like an accessory instead of an asset. And maybe that makes me a “crazy broad” but I’m fine with that. We may not all be equal in everyone’s eyes, but we are all human beings. Surround yourself with people who believe it’s time for a progressive change. Because we all came from somewhere and we all deserve the right to a brighter future than the generation before us. The narrative has to change. Change is an integral part of life and progress and it’s fucking scary as hell sometimes, but doesn’t have to be. If we all make one small step and speak up every time we see or hear someone who doesn’t want that narrative to change, then I believe we have a shot. Just because that’s the way it was does NOT mean that that’s the way it has to be. The system is broken but I really do believe that it can be fixed for everyone who comes after us. It starts with us though…

I see the unforgettable, incredible ones who came before me, brought poetry, brought science, sowed quiet seeds of self-reliance… bloom in me, so here I am, you think I am high and mighty, mister? wait ’til you meet my little sister… oh, my armor comes from you, you make me try harder, oh, that’s all I ever do, oh, no my armor comes from you, you make me stronger, now, hand me my armor…

Song name: ARMOR/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019

rows and flows of angel hair, and ice cream castles in the air, and feather canyons everywhere, looked at clouds that way… but now they only block the sun, they rain and they snow on everyone, so many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way… I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down and still somehow it’s cloud illusions I recall, I really don’t know clouds at all…

I’m trying really hard not to be the sad girl. I’m trying really hard not to be the basket case. I’m trying really hard just to be normal. Well, normal for me. Which might not be normal for you, but whatever. I’m fighting every day in this battle with depression. And it may not be severe, but this is the saddest I have ever been. I’ve done too much work trying to get to the best version of myself but didn’t follow through with much of it and now I’m here, feeling all the feelings, and I don’t know what the fuck to do with them. Depression sucks. Add in anxiety and you’ve got a cocktail of chaos. Well, I’ve got a cocktail of chaos and it tastes like shit.

The truth is that I can’t keep up with it. I don’t want to keep up with it. I’m exhausted. I have a good life and it makes me mad that mental health makes me believe sometimes that I don’t. I know what I have but I struggle with being grateful. And that just makes me sadder because I feel like a piece of shit. Round and round we go! It’s a never ending cycle of self loathing and that makes life a little difficult. I keep falling into the same crap habits financially, mentally, physically, emotionally and I get mad and get myself out of these little bitchy fits and then I fall right back into it because one thing discourages me or brings me down. Round and round and round.

I chose this song today because, well Joni Mitchell. I don’t need to go further than that, but I will. I saw a video on YouTube today of Joni singing this song at the Newport Folk Festival this weekend and it sent chills up my spine. For the last few years she has been having major issues with her health and to see her singing on that stage was quite magical. Every singer that was on stage with her was either in tears or choking them back. There were times where she was faster or slower than the music and everyone on stage collectively helped her. They slowed the music down or sped it up or would start her off with the lyrics to the next verse. It was sad but it was also really beautiful. And by the end of the video I realized that I was bawling. The level of respect that every musician on the stage had for her was incredible to watch.

This song has always meant a lot to me. It’s filled with metaphors that I’ve always related to. Joni was a trailblazer in an industry that favored men and her songs were powerful and meaningful. I could go on and on about her, but that’s not what we are doing here today. If you listen to the re-recorded version of this song, it’s even better than the original. Her voice is deeper and I remember hearing that version and having a lump in my throat. Anyway, this song speaks to me. And I feel like it really speaks to what I’m currently feeling. So in typical me fashion, I listened to it 47,000 times today to make myself feel all the feelings and get them the fuck out of my body.

I’m struggling a lot in my day to day life. I’m struggling with working in an industry that favors men. I am a smart, educated, strong woman and I’m tired of being treated like an idiot. It’s exhausting fighting the battles everyday. The micromanagement is not needed and yet it’s happening all day. For some reason I’m apparently a crazy broad who you can’t give constructive criticism to. I don’t know when that happened but I would rather hear what I did wrong, or continue to do wrong, than constantly be told how to do my job. I thought I was good at it but am reminded every day that everything that I bring to the table is not enough.

I’m so deep in this depression that I don’t know if I’ve changed so much that it’s all of a sudden bothering me or if it’s been happening this entire time and didn’t ever bother me until now. It doesn’t matter, really. What matters is that it’s absolutely killing me. I can’t keep fighting this fight of trying to prove to people that I’m smart and I know what I’m doing when it won’t matter anyway. And yea, maybe it’s the case that my boss thinks that we are good and micromanagement is just how he operates. And maybe it could be the case that I’m working so hard on my mental health and setting boundaries that I don’t like it. Either way, it’s not something to easily discuss and quite frankly, I don’t want to do it.

I just feel like the tank is empty and with the price of gas these days… my goodness that was stupid and I apologize.

too alarming now to talk about, take your pictures down and shake it out… truth or consequence, say it aloud, use that evidence, race it around… there goes my hero, watch him as he goes… there goes my hero, he’s ordinary…

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. It’s not uncommon for that to happen to me, it’s just usually annoying songs I hear on TikTok. Anyway, it’s been running through my head since I opened my eyes, and it got me thinking about heroes. Who they are and what they mean to us. I tried really hard to think if I had a few, or even just one. And honestly, I couldn’t think of any.

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines the word HERO as:

1. A mythological or legendary figure often of divine decent endowed with great strength or ability
2. An illustrious warrior
3. A person admired for achievements and noble qualities
4. One who shows great courage

Typing out these definitions made it perfectly clear to me that I am correct – I do not have a hero.

I’m not trying to be rude or obnoxious. I just don’t currently have the ability to idealize someone so much that I would define them as a “hero”. Do I know people who do courageous and awesome shit? Absolutely! But I guess maybe my own personal view of what a hero is may actually be a little skewed.

I feel like as a society we do this quite often. We take a word and strip it of it’s meaning because it sounds cool. Like people calling mundane shit “EPIC”. No, that’s not what epic means. And I have no idea why, all of a sudden, I’m so concerned about the definitions of words, seeing as though vocabulary wasn’t really my thing, so I’m not sure where this is coming from. But like, why do we do that? I guess what’s happening right now is that I’ve just figured out that this is something that really fucking bothers me. People taking the meaning out of words just to make something seem better than it is.

I can’t say that this post might not have a bitter agenda behind it. Because I’m writing all of this out and all I can think about is how the term hero is often used in conjunction with the word father. And I’ve been pretty clear on this blog since the beginning, my father is not my hero. That doesn’t make him a bad guy, it’s just not what he is to me. And when I see the word hero in relation to a parent, especially father, it really rubs me the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t think it’s possible for a parent to be a hero, it’s just that I’m coming from the opposite end of the spectrum. I didn’t have that, so I don’t know, and I’m bitter about it sometimes.

I was talking to my husband about my relationship with my stepfather. He passed away when I was 20 years old and I have spent the last 21 years not knowing what could have been. In my brain I have made him out to be this magical, mystical, heroic man who saved me from myself, but the truth is that all I know is what I had for the 5 years he was in my life. Did he change my blueprint? One thousand percent. I can’t imagine what kind of awful human I would have become without him. But the story stops at 20 for me. And I have spent the last 21 years writing a story that might not really have happened if he was alive. Could it have happened? Maybe. But once again, I will never know. And we do that a lot with the people who have passed. We are given the gift of being able to write their story to fit our agenda.

If you asked me 20 years ago if my stepfather was my hero, I probably would have jumped on the “my daddy is my hero” train. He was brave until the moment he died. But he was still a human being. He and I still had moments of being stubborn and hardheaded about the things we believed in. Would he even like the person I am now? Who knows? And I think that being given that gift of writing out how life would go if they were still here is probably the best coping mechanism you can get while you’re grieving a huge loss and forced to continue living without them. His death changed my life. It changed who I was, who I was becoming and who I am now. I have spent years of my life missing him, resenting him, wishing he was here to see certain things, etc. It’s a lifetime of never knowing and just coping the best way we know how.

The last couple of years I have been trying really hard to get a handle on what’s real. It’s been difficult trying to organize my thoughts and not feel, or sound, like a crazy person. A lot of shit swirls around in my gray matter daily and the ultimate goal is to get some sort of routine in motion that involves writing it out so it stops swirling endlessly. In this quest for some sanity, I found that I notice a lot of weird shit about what we do to to make ourselves feel like our lives aren’t just one endless ride on a hamster wheel. We sprinkle in words like hero and epic to make things and people seem like the best when they’re actually just regular. It’s how we cope. It’s not a bad way to cope with whatever bad shit you’re dealing with, but it’s not real. It puts an immense amount of pressure on the expectation and then falls short on the reality.

Wouldn’t it be crazy if the vast majority of people in your life just said what something actually was instead of gassing it up to be something it wasn’t? For example: “EPIC DAY AT THE PARK!” could just be “we had a good day at the park today, my kid had a meltdown, but what’s new?” And then everyone relates, they laugh, realize they’re not alone in their struggle and then they move on. Everything doesn’t have to be epic. Not everyone in your life is a hero. And that’s ok. I just feel like if we took the time to feel the feelings and then move on, there wouldn’t be this endless, unspoken competition of my life is better than yours. Couldn’t we all just collectively agree that life is good and not take it for granted?

When you put unrealistic titles on regular people, it just puts unnecessary pressure on them. Calling someone your hero might not be what they need to hear. Is it nice to hear? Of course! But what if that person doesn’t feel like a hero and now you’ve dropped this title on them and they have no idea what to do with it? You’re giving that person zero room for error and setting yourself up for possible disappointment. You’ve put them in a place where they can do no wrong so when they do, it’s crushing for you and for them. Allowing everything and everyone to be ordinary leaves a lot of room for something or someone extraordinary to come along and absolutely blow your mind.

I’m not trying to put a damper on your life and how you choose to live it. I promise. I’m just trying so hard to hang on to what’s real in this life. I feel like we are exposed to so many things just for “the show” and it’s making us feel like the life we are living isn’t enough. If it’s all you can handle right now, then it’s enough. I hope something in this post resonated with you. And if it didn’t, thanks for reading anyway…

kudos, my hero, leaving all the mess… you know my hero, the one that’s on… there goes my hero, watch him as he goes… there goes my hero, he’s ordinary…

Song name: MY HERO/ Artist: Foo Fighters/ Year: 2006

another round of bullets hits my skin, well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in… we are bursting through the barricades and reaching for the sun, we are warriors, yeah, that’s what we’ve become… I won’t let them break me down to dust, I know that there’s a place for us, for we are glorious…

It’s International Women’s Day. Thanks to social media, you already know that. Tomorrow will go back to being just another regular day. No one will be posting about how amazing we all are. And that’s okay. But I wanted to put this post here for you so that you can read it, whenever you need to. Do we deserve to be celebrated everyday? Yes. Here’s why.

Women spend their lives making sure that everyone around them is alright. Like, I don’t know if you understand that. Even the women who claim to be bad ass and not give a shit about anyone? Yes, even them. Secretly, but yes. It’s fucking built into our DNA, we can’t even help it. And it’s annoying and scary and awful sometimes, but it’s not something we can just turn off. Even when people piss us off or are total assholes, we still care and want them to be okay. We spend our time thinking about how to fix them or the situation so everything is wrapped up with a pretty fucking bow.

We take time and consideration when we are doing things. Even menial tasks. We make sure these things are done with love and will make people feel good. We are almost always let down by the reaction we get to those things because the amount of time and consideration that went into it is never seen or appreciated the way we physically need it to be. Even though we aren’t entirely sure what we physically need in that moment. And that may sound really complicated to you, but why don’t you try putting yourself into that woman’s shoes? So when she goes from really great to really awful in a matter of minutes, sometimes seconds? I’m telling you, it’s for that reason.

We consistently stroke the egos around us. Making sure we don’t seem smarter and make others feel small. We get micromanaged and told how to do things we already know how to do. There’s nothing more annoying, but still, we smile and nod like we are supposed to because that is what we were taught. It’s really silly when you think about it. But there is no limit to the lengths we will go to make sure the ones around us are okay, even when we are not.

I’m not saying that we should all placate women, because we don’t fucking want that either. Trust me. Most of us don’t want to feel like people are handing shit over to us without us doing the work. The majority of us work really hard, in the home, at work, and a lot of the time, both. Never question the strength of a woman. Even the really shitty ones have their battles. We can move mountains if people would just give us a fucking chance. And a lot of our frustration comes from people not thinking we can.

Do we make things more complicated than they need to be? Absofuckinglutely. I’m going to say this loud for the people in the back: WE. CAN’T. FUCKING. HELP. IT. What we have been through and what we are currently living in is constantly swirling around our gray matter. All day, everyday. And so all of those things get wrapped up in the day to day nonsense of it all. We don’t get rewarded for the hoops we jump through. And dude, it’s like we are jumping all fucking day. All the things I listed above, just hoop, after hoop, after hoop. Cut us some slack!

We get one day a year to celebrate every woman who came before us who paved the way to get us where we are now. And that can’t ever stop. People have underestimated women since the beginning of time. And we have consistently shown them that we are more than what they thought. Not all of us are going to end up in a history book, but damn, wouldn’t it be fucking awesome if you were friends with someone who will?

Happy International Women’s day to you. You are stronger than you think. Please always remember that. Never stop being who you are. And if you need to be reminded of that, I’m here for you.

when the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out, I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me… look out ’cause here I come, and I’m marching on to the beat I drum, I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me…

Song name: THIS IS ME/ Artist: Keala Settle (The Greatest Showman)/ Year: 2017

I am not the things my family did, I am not the voices in my head, I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside, I am light… I’m not the mistakes that I have made or any of the things that caused me pain, I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind, I am light…

This was going to be a post titled REVOLUTION. It was going to be a story about how a million years ago, in my very early 20’s, I went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I was going to tell you that New Orleans is the best place in the world to people watch. That there were so many beautifully crazy individuals around me at any given time and everything about them seemed so free. How I remember, very clearly, seeing a group of women walking around Bourbon Street, selling stickers that said “STOP BITCHING, START A REVOLUTION” and how I immediately bought one and placed it across the back of my denim jacket. That I didn’t even get to keep that sticker for more than a couple of hours, but having it on my back for however long (I’ll never really know), made a lasting impression on me. That since that night in New Orleans there have been multiple times in my life that I think to myself “STOP BITCHING, START A REVOLUTION”. I wanted to tell you that those words continuously resonate with me and that they should resonate with you as well. And then I told my BFF about this post and this mantra of power. And since my birthday is coming up, she wanted to see if she could find me a bumper sticker like the one I bought that night. So she went to the Google and texted me within minutes that the group of women selling those stickers were part of a sex cult that has since been disbanded. This is why we can’t have nice fucking things.

Back in 2004 I had a flip phone and the internet wasn’t the goddamn breeding ground for all the gross things that it is now. I’m pretty sure we were still paying $20 a month for AOL and I might have just created a Yahoo email address because people were like “AOL is so done”. So I didn’t get to preemptively check with my good friend Google to see that this group of women was actually part of a sex cult and I most definitely wouldn’t have bought the sticker in that moment. I would have scurried away and been like “immediately NO”. But here I am, a million years later, learning that this one saying that has actually shaped part of my adult life was preached by a group of malcontents who had no idea what the fuck they were doing with their lives. I mean, I get it.

But dammit, I am not going to let this bring me down. I’m going to laugh my ass off and figure out how to flip this into something amazing. I have a fire in me that really wants to blaze. Fire is light. I am light. And I am here to tell you that fear, anxiety and adult responsibilities have manged to douse that fire, that light, before it ever got that chance to blaze brightly. It was all just a pile of delusions of grandeur that I never had time to sort through because more shit just kept making it’s way to the top of the pile. It was disheartening and disappointing and I will not allow that fire to be extinguished before it has the chance to make an actual change.

I spend my life trying to do the right thing, always. I falter, all the damn time. And it’s not because of lack of awareness. It’s because different people want and expect different things. I am hyper aware of people’s feelings and vibes but just because I’m aware of those things doesn’t mean I know what that person needs from me. And so it’s difficult to figure out if you’re actually doing the right thing. The idea is to not do the wrong thing, but you really never know. What you perceive as right, the other might perceive as wrong. And this is the world we live in. We live and we learn, every single day.

I struggle a lot with feeling bad about things I really shouldn’t feel bad about. Feeling shame about things that I shouldn’t feel shameful about. I have found that there is someone who is always ready to knock you down a peg, especially when you’re feeling joy. I have found that at some of the proudest moments in my life there was someone who felt the need to rip the good feeling right out of my hands. Whether it was by outright embarrassing me or throwing their own spin on how it wasn’t a big deal and something even better was happening to them. People do this all the time. And it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. Everyone knows better than you.

I’m here to tell you that life doesn’t have to be that way. That I’ve done so much work on myself in the last year plus that I can confidently tell you if you don’t want that kind of negative shit in your life, you don’t have to deal with it. Don’t be a dick about it. There’s a nice way to bow out. I chose bowing out quietly and/or politely. I’m telling you this because you need to hear it. You don’t have to conform to the bullshit that is in front of you. I’m not doing it anymore. I talk shit out with my husband and besties and try my best NOT to create unnecessary drama because it’s fucking exhausting.

It took me a long time to realize that my internal revolution is not this giant thing that happens all at once. It has been all of these small steps that have helped me try my damnedest to rise above the bullshit and realize that I have been doing it this whole time. It dawned on me the other day that I have no desire to be included in shit where I don’t fit. It was this really weird awakening and I felt so incredibly light. Like a little bit of weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

You are only as good as the last thing you did. Ain’t that a bitch? You can give people the world and the one time you decide to be a little selfish, you’re a piece of shit. You’re done. What the fuck is that about? Here I am, doing all the stuff for everyone, giving them my time and energy, and I do ONE THING and I’m cancelled? Guess what? That’s fine. I don’t need that kind of nonsense in my life. I have given so much of my time and energy to so many people who I thought would be in my life forever and that was not the case. And THAT’S OK. People grow, people change, people get hurt and can’t move passed the issues, people continue to live their lives without you and all of it is a natural part of life. If they were meant to still be in your life they would be. And you just have to believe and accept that.

Every day I’m growing. It took me a long time to realize it but I’m really glad that I finally did. Most of the time I feel stuck in my own head but even that is changing. There is so much more important shit going on in the world right now that I have decided to stop preoccupying myself with shit that I can’t control and start concentrating on the things that I can. I’m not going to tell you that life is too short because that’s not something I’m familiar with. What I can tell you is that you matter and you are important. And if that means letting go of the shit that hurts you or doesn’t help you grow, then that’s what you need to do.

You are light. You are enough.

This post took a long time to write, but here it is. And if it resonates with you, then that’s enough for me…

I am a star, a piece of it all, I am light…

Song name: I AM LIGHT/ Artist: India.Arie / Year: 2013