lmvschmidt

UNCHARTED (Part II)

Each day I’m countin’ up the minutes ’til I get alone, ’cause I can’t stay in the middle of it all, it’s nobody’s fault, but I’m so low, never knew how much I didn’t know… oh, everything is uncharted…

I was ready to post a powerful blog last week. I was ready to get back into writing and let you all know how strong I am. How I was working on taking my power back and that life was too short to listen to narcissistic people and let them ruin my inner peace. I was ready to tell you that I was finally coming out of this super depressed and anxious state that I’ve been in and was finally ready to peek out of my turtle shell and see what’s up.

That feeling came and went. And I can’t apologize for yet another Debbie Downer post because this is the place where I get to be transparent about my feelings. This is the place where it’s ok to not be ok. And I’m not fucking ok. And I’m so fucking mad about it I could scream.

Last week I was having major stomach issues. The issues were a direct response to my crippling fucking anxiety. I’m a seasoned veteran in which stomach pain is which and it was definitely anxiety. I worked from home late last week because I couldn’t risk getting on the train and not making it to work. TMI? I don’t care. I felt so sick and so lost that I actually got down on my knees and prayed. I asked God and the Universe for help. I felt like I was losing my mind and just needed some clarity and peace. I cried. I tried to get a handle on what was upsetting me. I spoke to my husband and talked things out with him. I spoke my truth and the anxiousness started to subside.

And then, for the first time in 3 days, it finally felt like I could breathe a little. My thoughts stopped running a mile a minute in my head. I felt hopeful for a split second and it felt nice. And as quickly as it came, it vanished. My mother called to tell me that she fell down the stairs and that she thought she broke her arm. I ran to her house, took her to urgent care and eventually the ER, where she stayed all night. She did a real number on herself. She’s having surgery this week to get everything put back where it should be with plates and screws. There’s a game plan in place and I love a good game plan. The quicker we get her fixed the better.

It’s just like, really?

She’s upset. I can’t possibly imagine what that must have been like for her. How terrifying it was to fall like that and feel your body actually break. And she keeps apologizing to me for disrupting my life because I’m taking on the bulk of the responsibility. Am I upset? Yes, very. Is now the time to worry about me? Absolutely fucking not. It doesn’t matter what is going on in my life right now. She’s my mom. That’s it.

I’m just so incredibly sad. I’m scared of a million things every single day and they’re usually just stupid things I formulate in my head for no apparent reason. To actually have a reason sends me right back into the turtle shell. This scared the hell out of me and I know that she is the one who is in pain and recovery but I don’t know how long it will take me to mentally recover from this. First my grandmother, then my mom. The two pillars of who I am just fucking broken… It’s all fixable, but still.

I cried while I was driving home today. This song, Uncharted, shuffled and tears just started falling down my face. When I started writing here it was about trying to navigate through this crazy life as gracefully as possible. To write it out and move on. That this life is uncharted and we’re all just figuring it out as best we can. To make a safe place for people to come to when they weren’t feeling their best. And I just feel like I’m failing miserably at all of it.

The thing that made me saddest is thinking that maybe peace is just not meant for me in this lifetime. Maybe if I stop fighting it, stop trying to take my power back, stop trying to live this life for me, then maybe I will eventually find whatever peace I think I’m looking for? That life throws unexpected things at us at the most inopportune times to test our strength and maybe I’m just the strongest fucking person I know? That life is chaos that can’t be controlled and the sooner I get that into my thick fucking skull it will all get easier? Maybe.

I’m writing this through tears because that sounds so sad and defeatist, but guys, I don’t have much left. I’m too tired to fight. And I’m not going anywhere, I just feel like maybe I should just do whatever everyone else needs me to do and stop trying so hard to live a life that’s about me. Like, at this point, it seems very clear to me that I was put on this earth to take care of everyone else.

Today isn’t a bad day. I’m just having a cry baby moment and I’m allowing it because apparently I need it. I’m not going to suppress it. That only makes things worse. I feel very alone but I keep reminding myself that I am not. I just need to do a little mental regrouping and quit kicking and screaming at the life that is so obviously meant for me. Today isn’t a bad day but tomorrow will be better…

I know I’m getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like I’m going down, follow if you want, I won’t just hang around, like you’ll show me where to go,
I’m already out of foolproof ideas, so don’t ask me how to get started, it’s all uncharted…

Song name: UNCHARTED/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2010

LIVE YOUR LIFE

this hurts like hell but it feels right, far’s I can tell you’ve made your mind…
I’ll wish you well but won’t be on the other side biding my time, live your life… you’ve got your plans, I’ve got mine… who understands how stars align? if one’s shooting past then I’ll consider it a sign that you’re still alive… live your life…

It’s almost 2 months since the last time I sat down at my desk to write something. There have been a few times where I felt like I really wanted to put something out into the world, but then I got home, felt unmotivated and uninspired and decided not to do it. That’s so dumb because I have said, time and time again, that writing helps me get all the “stuff” out but I just haven’t been able to do it. I’m working through a lot of shit and I can admit that I let it get me. I let my dreams collect dust in the corner of my bedroom, not even wanting to look at them and see how they’re doing. Because honestly, I didn’t care. And even more honestly, I don’t really care right now. I know that sounds ridiculous, I’m just not there yet.

Turning 40 was unexpectedly huge for me. Not in a bad way. I don’t think that anything that I’m feeling is necessarily bad. I’m growing in a way that I’m not used to and so each day I’m just trying to roll with it. Parts of me are not the same and I have to remind myself, every day, that this is fine. That this very delayed growth spurt is exactly what I needed. I have shoved shit down and ignored it for too long and I’m just trying to deal with and rid myself of very hurtful things that have brought me to this point. Childhood trauma, being gas lit my entire life, dysfunctional families on both sides, trying to become a human being that I can be proud of… it’s all too much, but I’m getting through it. I’m trying really hard to break the cycle and it’s scary as hell.

I feel like the world outside of my bubble is a place that I am not ok with. I don’t like what I’m seeing and it’s making me really fucking depressed. We are a world divided and I don’t know why. I don’t care to argue with you about your politics, thoughts on abortion or vaccination status. And I sure as shit don’t go to Instagram to see it. I am a 40 year old woman living in a country that seems like it’s going through the same shit as I am. Having no clue what it’s identity is, what it’s supposed to be or how to deal with people who continually try to stop you from becoming who you want to be. I’m sick of people using social media to make you uncomfortable. I just wanna see pictures of your adorable kids, pets, family vacations, holidays, etc. I stopped using any form of social media (except Twitter, because it’s fucking fun there!) to discuss my political stance back in November when the whole fucking world lost it’s damn mind. I go to social media for the serotonin, not your bullshit.

I’m figuring out what makes me tick and it’s so frustrating. Things that I used to be fine with are no longer fine. I’m trying to speak up in a world where I don’t feel heard. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of trying to change people’s minds. I just try to do the right thing and I go to sleep at night (after the anxiety driven insomnia subsides) knowing that I was a good person today. I have grown so much in the last 2 decades of my life. And yea, I have my moments, but the way that I think and feel is different. I’m still a bleeding heart but I see things differently and that’s a really big deal for me.

When my stepfather passed away 20 years ago (there will be a post about him soon, I just can’t bring myself to do it yet) I went on a bender of just straight up alcoholic behavior. I didn’t want to feel anything. And it went on for years. I felt like the world owed me something for taking away the best person in my life at the time. Fuck, I can’t even get through this now without hot tears in my eyes. I abused my body, I made horrible decisions, I was a complete disaster. I calmed down somewhere around 25, but I was still a mess. 30, same thing. Scared to death of turning 30. I wasn’t married, didn’t have kids, didn’t do any of the things that society said I should have been doing. 35, I went to Disney and celebrated my ass off. And 40, well this was the year that I decided I want to live the right way.

I can’t do the fake shit anymore. I can’t keep looking for acceptance where I don’t belong. I can’t keep arguing with people and getting upset when we don’t agree. I can’t keep letting people walk all over me. I can’t keep doing the work to keep relationships alive when maybe this is just the way it has to be right now. I can’t keep trying to show you that I’m a good person if you don’t give a shit. I am done being the girl that searches for acceptance. I am accepted in all the right places in my life. Unlearning all of this has been rocky, but each day I’m getting better. And I know there’s a light at the end of this very dark place that I’ve been walking through.

So I will be writing more if you’re still interested. I will keep pushing through these very late growing pains. Taking responsibility for your life and how you live it is eye opening and really uncomfortable. Take your bad days one at a time. You’re allowed to have a bad day. You’re allowed to feel like some days aren’t a gift.

SIDE NOTE: It’s so funny because there are a few sides of social media, the place that consumes most of our day to day lives, it’s fine, we all do it. You have the very heavily charged political & post COVID-19 world, the regular people just posting their serotonin infused things, and the people who post their toxic positivity all over the place telling you that there are literally no bad days. Fuck all of that shit.

I am here to tell you that you are allowed to have bad days. Days when everything feels like it’s going wrong. YOU. ARE. ALLOWED. I have to tell myself that everyday and it helps. What’s important is that you allow yourself to have the bad moment, or even the entire day, and then say tomorrow will be better. It won’t always be like this. Look at how far you’ve come. And I’m not pushing toxic positive vibes your way, I’m telling you this because it’s fucking true.

Like a caterpillar, I will come out of this cocoon, eventually, as a fabulous butterfly. It’s taking me a little longer but rushing the process isn’t going to do anything productive… I think.

you’ll live and learn and then come up the other side a bit more wise… live your life…

Song name: LIVE YOUR LIFE/ Artist: Nick Cordero / Year: 2018

LET THE RAIN

I wish I were pretty, I wish I were brave, if I owned this city then I’d make it behave… and if I were fearless then I’d speak my truth, and the world would hear this that’s what I wish I’d do, yeah… if my hands could open you’d see I’d take all these secrets in me, and I’d move and mold them to be something I’d set free… I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up, I want to change my mind, I want to be enough, I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time, I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground…

I wish that I could say that the time in my head has passed, but I’m still here, feeling all this bullshit. Feeling like my brain is just whirling around freely in my skull with no signs of stopping any time soon. That frustrates me because I don’t want to be this way. It’s just a constant fight with myself to be what everyone else needs me to be. And although I’ve built up some lovely boundaries, those boundaries don’t change the fact that shit still bothers me.

I have been seriously pissed off about all of the shit going on in this world right now. I know I’m not the only one and that’s reassuring. And I don’t want to talk about it too much here because literally everyone is talking about it. On every damn platform. I wish so badly there could be one place where we talk about politics, one place where we talk about vaccination and anti-vaccination and then a place where we can post beautiful pics of our families, friends, animals, vacations, all that shit. But it’s on all platforms and they all make me feel all the feelings. It’s exhausting.

I would love to say that I’ll just take a break from social media but I’m so damn addicted to it that I would have to taper off. That sounded absolutely ridiculous, but I know I’m not alone in this. It’s impossible to stop, or even try to, because I like seeing the good shit that social media has to offer. So it’s just this ridiculous battle with myself, hence all the issues…

I have a good life. And I have the ability to quit being such a shit head and cut the crazy down to a minimum. Today is just one of those days. I like the idea of instant gratification and that literally never happens. And the process to get to the end point never looks like what I imagined. So for someone like me, who is so fucking extra about anything difficult, it’s even worse. I beat myself up, I shut down, and every other self destructive thing you can do, I guess.

Unlearning behaviors and letting go of the shitty things you lived through is really fucking hard. I’m trying my hardest but some days I just can’t get there and I unravel. And you wouldn’t know it because I’m not a fucking sociopath, but inside it’s straight turmoil. And I need to work out all those feelings so that I stop it. So that unraveling is not my go-to reaction, internally or externally. And I’m getting there but there is still so much to do. I guess I get excited when I finally see a breakthrough and then when I revert back I just can’t handle it. The light is there, I can see it. And I know I can’t rush there, but dammit, I really, really want to.

I need to align myself with the person that I want to be. I can’t do that if I keep pushing myself back. I have been doing a lot of reading and listening about letting your ego go. I have all of these tools to help me and the ego steps in and says nope, you’re not doing that. How long can I self sabotage my own well being before I finally get it? That I have the ability to overpower the ego, and yet, I don’t? It can’t possibly be that I am choosing to live my life this way, but there is literally no one else to blame. Everyone in my corner wants to see me be who I want to be, so why don’t I?

I can do better and I will. I know that I need to stop listening when I hear the ego trying to step in. I need to stop standing in my own way. And I can keep telling myself that until I’m blue in the face, but until I actually do it, nothing is going to change. So, it’s a Monday and I’m gonna start right now. No more listening to the inner voice that tells me that I’m not smart enough, not good enough, not strong enough, etc. It’s all crap. And I need to be diligent in reminding myself that I am all of those things. I need to stop being complacent and careless when it comes to my growth. You shouldn’t have to stay stuck in a mental place you don’t even like. Especially when you’re doing it to yourself.

I have said all of this before, so I know not to put too much pressure on myself. The world is crazy enough for all of us. I know I am a good human so I just need to build off of that. We have the ability to start each day a little better than the day before. After the day I had, living in absolute panic for the entire day, I can do better. Most importantly, I want to do better. And that’s like, a big part of the battle, right?

and I always felt it before, that the world was filled with much more than the drowning soul I’ve learned to be, I just need the rain to remind me… I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up, I want to change my mind, I want to be enough, I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time, I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground…

Song name: LET THE RAIN/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2010

GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

when are you gonna come down? when are you going to land? I should have stayed on the farm, I should have listened to my old man… you know you can’t hold me forever, I didn’t sign up with you, I’m not a present for your friends to open, this boy’s too young to be singing the blues…

Hello there! It’s been a minute. I know I keep saying that, but I really mean to be writing more. If you read my last few posts then you know I’ve been going through some stuff. Nothing serious, just dealing with some heavy shit that’s been eating away at my guts for like, my entire life. And trying to clear it all out, after the fact, has been a bitch, but I’m working through it. I told you I was going to do my best to lighten things up as we move on, so that’s what I’m here to do.

Being inside your own head 24/7 is absolutely exhausting. I recently joined Cerebral and am working on fixing the anti anxiety meds that I’m on. Tweaking them so that they also take the depression down a notch, and you know, help me function. So far, I think it’s working? I put a question mark at the end of that sentence because I’m not really sure yet. I’m still dealing with all the little side effects of upping the dose that I was on. But for the most part, I’m not really numb anymore. I haven’t had to physically peel myself off of the couch in a week or so, so that’s definitely an improvement. I haven’t felt really rage-y. So these little things that I’ve noticed are all steps in the right direction. And the best part is, if I feel like it’s not working, I am actually working with 2 different people on the app who can help me. And that makes me feel a little less alone with the difficult time I was previously having.

Anyway, my husband and I started watching this new show “Kevin Can F*ck Himself” on AMC. We started watching it because Annie Murphy is the lead. You know her as Alexis on Schitt’s Creek, but you absolutely can NOT go into it thinking she will be anything like Alexis because you will miss everything great about this show. I’m not going to get into all of the details because I’m highly recommending that you watch it. Anything I write here won’t do it justice. The show has 2 sides to it. And there is no question, whatsoever, about whether you’ll be able to notice while watching. The short explanation is that she is a sitcom wife who, on the sitcom side of it, gets treated like a typical sitcom wife. All the punchlines revolve around how stupid she is, when in all actuality, her husband is a fucking idiot. But then, the sitcom part goes away, and you see this really dark side of her. The cinematography on it is exquisite. Any recap or review about it talks about how crazy it is that it can go from stage lights and laugh tracks to really dark and creepy so seamlessly.

This isn’t a tv show review blog. I swear. But this show has me thinking. Not about killing my husband like she does. My husband isn’t a fucking idiot, nor does he treat me like one. I literally can’t live without him. What it has me thinking about is the double life that most of us lead. Now, it doesn’t have to be that dramatic, the show is centered around that specific plot, so it works. But most of us do lead a double life. You have the person that you project outward, into the world and the person who you are or feel like on the inside. You have your home life and your work life. You have your lifelong friends and your work or school friends. Some know you better than you know yourself and some of them know what you allow them to know.

Going through the hard parts of depression and anxiety could also be classified as another life that you lead. I get up and go do all of the things I’m supposed to do. I go to my job and I do the work I’m supposed to do. I don’t sit at my desk with signs up that say “don’t talk to me, I’m in a dark head space right now”. I project the person that the people around me need me to be. In the grand scheme of things, I’m there to do a job so I do it to the best of my ability. When I clock out for the day, I can switch that version of myself off and go be the anxious sad sack that I’ve been tucking away all day. I mean, there’s so much more to life than that and you really just have to know that you will get through it. It sucks right now because it’s the thing that is in your face all the time and it’s annoying and messy. I don’t have a very serious case of depression but mental illness runs in my family and it terrifies me. I don’t ever want to get to the point where I can’t cope with it so I scare myself straight and do what I have to do to get out of it. And I know that I’m lucky that I can do that, even if it’s just speaking to someone about fixing the medication I’m on.

It’s all about the dark and light in life. You have to know that in the darkness you absolutely can find the light. But you have to want to find it. And on this fictional show where light and dark are so prominent and literally show how the person is acting on the outside and so drastically feeling on the inside, it really puts things into perspective for me. It makes me grateful that I have people in my corner. That I have people who know the real me and are there for me anyway. Even when I’m so unlovable, they find a way to show me that I’m loved. They break through the dysfunctional mental mess that I’ve created around myself. That is the light in my darkness.

Whoa, pump the breaks. I’m not sure if that was light or dark, but I made it weird in that last paragraph. My bad.

Anyway… go watch this show. You don’t have to be all extra about it like me. You can just watch it like a normal person. At the very least, you’ll be entertained and be like what the actual fuck is going on? Please let me know your thoughts on it if you do. We don’t have to get all psychoanalytical about it. You can just be like “yea, great show, looking forward to seeing this story play out” and I’ll be like “excellent, glad you like it”.

Also, I used Goodbye Yellow Brick Road because this song is always in my head. Metaphorically, it means so many things and makes me feel hopeful about a lot of shit so I’m leaving it here as a reminder. Also, real quick, I started listening to this podcast called No Place Like Home. It’s about how someone stole one of the original pairs of ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz and how the FBI pulled a sting operation 13 years after they were stolen and got them back. So, I’m also going to recommend you listen to that if you’re a Wizard of Oz and/or Judy Garland fan. Ok, ok, no more recommendations for today.

Good night!

so goodbye yellow brick road, where the dogs of society howl… you can’t plant me in your penthouse, I’m going back to my plough, back to the howling old owl in the woods, hunting the horny back toad… oh, I’ve finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road…

Song name: GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD/ Artist: Elton John / Year: 1973

ORPHEUS

I know you miss the world, the one you knew, the one where everything made sense because you didn’t know the truth… that’s how it works, ’til the bottom drops out and you learn we’re all just hunters seeking solid ground…

I have been working my way out of this mental hole that has consumed me for the last few weeks. It’s like, an insane amount of work. I have days where I am pumped to get started and keep it going. And some days I physically cannot remove myself from the couch. Depression and Anxiety are the mental health Mean Girls. Regina George and Gretchen Wieners have nothing on Depression and Anxiety. Depression was never at the forefront of my existence. Anxiety always took the lead. With all the healing and spiritual stuff that I’ve been doing, I’m way more aware of the depression. I am aware of all the signs and symptoms. And now I know when my body is giving me signs to chill. And that I can’t do anything but chill when I see those signs.

I never paid attention to myself. I never gave myself the attention that it needed which is why I’m in this mental place right now. It was always easier to give my whole self to others and try to help them before I would help myself. I have never put myself first, it’s still a weird concept for me. I don’t do it unless I absolutely have to. I have been working on setting boundaries, even if I don’t speak them out loud. I know, in my brain, what needs to be done so that I can function, so I respond differently than I normally would for my own sanity. I don’t outright say I’M SETTING BOUNDARIES RIGHT NOW PLEASE SHUT UP. That’s rude and has nothing to do with the other person. So, I respond differently. And the people who have taken advantage of me and/or used me for their own agenda have noticed. What’s wrong with you?

I love that question. What’s wrong with you? I can’t wrap my brain around someone having the audacity to ask you a question like that. As if life isn’t fucking hard enough! Nothing is wrong with me. I’m just feeling my damn feelings. And I guess that’s what really grinds my gears… I let you feel all your damn feelings, why is it I problem when I do it? When you have made yourself emotionally available for everyone and never yourself, and then you try to give yourself an inch, it’s a problem. Because you’ve always been there and maybe they never realized how much they took your emotional availability for granted. And I’m not saying you need to cut them off, unless you absolutely have to, but you need to be able to give yourself some time and attention.

The last 6 months have been weird but enlightening. I never wanted to pay attention to myself but I’m at the point now where my body won’t let me ignore it. I started listening to myself briefly and my body is eating it up. It got a taste of the attention and now will not accept anything less. I’m hyper aware of everything around me and I don’t really mind it. It’s weird having this enlightening experience and not really knowing where it’s taking me. I’m just trying to be more patient with myself. I have moments of impatience, but I can pinpoint what’s triggering me and flip it. I know that old habits die hard and I just need to keep working on shifting my thoughts. I have gotten really down on myself and let myself feel like a failure for, like, my entire life so that’s something that needs the most work. The feeling doesn’t magically go away on it’s own. Even if you’re working hard to get rid of it, it creeps back in on occasion.

There is a light at the end of this mental tunnel that I’ve been living in. There’s always a light if you want to find it. And I really do. It’s taking me a little longer this time around because I can’t stuff the feelings down anymore. Being forced to feel them has been difficult, but I got this. I tell myself things like “you are safe”, “you are loved”, “you matter”, “you are not worthless”. I know these seem like really mundane things but if you tell yourself enough, they’ll eventually start to resonate. In the off chance that you feel yourself slipping back in to worthlessness, you have to remember that you’re not. Once you get to neutral with yourself, you won’t need the validation from outside sources. I mean, that’s always a plus, but it shouldn’t be your driving force.

If you’ve been reading along on this blog journey, I apologize for all of the time that has passed between posts. These last few weeks have been rough, but I’m making my way out. And I’m really proud of myself for wanting to move through it, feel it and then let it go. It’s taking a little longer than I would like, but I’m getting there. And I look forward to the day that I can look back and see that all of this is way behind me…

don’t stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos… though I know it’s blinding there’s a way out, say out loud, we will not give up on love now… no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus, just stay here, hold me in the dark and when the day appears we’ll say, we did not give up on love today…

Song name: ORPHEUS/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2019

HEAVY

I don’t like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary, wish that I could slow things down, I wanna let go, but there’s comfort in the panic… and I drive myself crazy thinking everything’s about me, yeah, I drive myself crazy ’cause I can’t escape the gravity…

I want to start off by saying that this post might be heavy. I mean, the song I used is called heavy, but that’s because the lyrics make sense. But I’m just going to go where the writing takes me. I have been completely out of touch for the last week and a half. Mentally, I just haven’t been doing great. I have tried to write this post at least 6 times. Each version seemed pettier than the one before it. It’s a subject that needs to be talked about but where I was in my head was a little dark. Darker than I have been used to lately, so everything I tried to write was dark. I don’t want to be that dark, especially here, so I needed to do a little work and figure out how I wanted to address this topic and sound like an actual adult woman.

I want to talk about the importance and significance of a healthy father-daughter relationship. It literally shapes every ounce of a woman’s life. It is her blueprint and everything she will get out of life starts off with that relationship. This is not a topic I like to discuss much, but the way a father behaves towards his daughter affects her every single day of her life. I have done a shit ton of research on it because the relationship between my father and I is borderline toxic. If you want to go into that rabbit hole, Google is free.

I am an adult woman and I’m taking responsibility for my life. This isn’t a post about blaming anyone, it’s about my journey and where I am right now. I know everyone has their own issues, it’s just when those issues were forcefully instilled into your livelihood because your parent didn’t do the work on themselves that life, for you, can become a problem. You don’t even realize it because that’s just what your life has been. And it has to be okay with you because you don’t know any better.

It’s the psychology of it all that really messes with me. I’m fine, whatever I deem that to be, the majority of the time. The most random things take me from fine to not fine and vice versa. There are things that are sewn into your DNA and you can’t see them so you don’t know they are there. So, sometimes, really stupid things manage to fuck with you. It’s absolutely infuriating. Especially if you are trying to make changes in your life and don’t understand why some of those changes just won’t stick. My mental issues run the gamut and it’s only now that I’m realizing how badly I have been affected by things that should not have affected me. It’s not playing the victim. It’s adding it all up and realizing the emotional abuse or lack of emotion is making you one. Maybe not to someone who has had it much worse, but it’s scarring none the less. And you wake up one day, realizing just how late you are to this fucking party, and you’re like “hold on, you mean I’m not worthless and I do matter?”

I briefly wrote about the unknown affects our parents’ behavior has on us in FADE. It’s just one cycle after another because their parents did it to them, and so on. Just like you, they didn’t know any better. And I’m sure I’m not the only 40 something (maybe younger or older) who is just now trying to navigate through life without a clue, but you have to want to do better than the generation that came before you. You can’t keep spewing the same shit between generations and expect that you’re going to skate through life without anyone trying to fight you on it. We didn’t get to where we are in 2021 without there being some changes, right? This year alone has showed us that it’s possible. With the exception of the handful of people (we all know at least one) who refuse to change. It’s not my problem to worry how those people sleep at night. They can worry about how they are the dying breed of progressively stunted people.

Anyway, my relationship with my father has always been my kryptonite. It is my Achilles heel in everything I do. Feel free to use whatever cliche reference you are comfortable with to describe something that’s destroyed little pieces of you, this is a safe space. A lot of who I am stems directly from my relationship, or lack of one, to my father. He doesn’t know how to talk to me. I don’t know how to talk to him. Years of resentment just piling up on the both of us. You would think that 2 people who love each other could find a way to sit down and talk it out. We tried and we just can’t. A big reason is that my father doesn’t really do feelings and I literally have ALL OF THEM. And so it’s impossible for him to say something to me without me instantly crying. I’ve done the therapy, read the self help books, I’ve done the work. But dammit, every time we get into some bullshit, you would think I haven’t done one ounce of work on myself.

Let me be clear. I can’t tell you what I actually need or want in this situation. I guess that the years of emotional rejection and me searching for acceptance have absolutely exhausted me. It’s been building up for years and it’s just this void inside me. I have to stop looking for my father to fill that void. There’s no closure and that’s why that void won’t go away. I just keep reliving the same shit because it’s still an open ended thing and my brain can’t process how to close it on my own. If he were reading this post right now, he would say the complete opposite. That this is fine. That our relationship is the same as the ones he has with his other children. No, it’s fucking not. You don’t resent them. They didn’t grow up with constant guilt that they didn’t call or visit enough. You didn’t leave them out of every fucking thing. So maybe your attitude is the same, but their experience and my experience are two very different things.

For someone who fights tradition every single day, it was weird to me that I was adamant about having my father walk me down the aisle at my wedding in November 2019. I felt like we both deserved and needed it. In an attempt to mend whatever jenky fences the two of us had built, I wrote him a letter. I didn’t want the walk down the aisle to be this obligatory thing. I wanted him to know who he was “giving away”. The letter backfired at first, but the months leading up to the big day showed some really big growth in our relationship. I felt in my heart that we had turned a corner and things were more open between us than they had ever been. My broken family made it work for my sake and I was so grateful. It was a dream come true.

I would love to tell you that the dream lived on but I woke up. Since I started my healing journey I just keep finding shit that I’m holding on to and it’s just too heavy. I needed to write this out because it’s my space (aw, remember MySpace?), it’s my story and this is where I go to feel better. I don’t know what I want and need, not sure if I can ever get it, but that void within me needs to heal and close. I am a good person and I shouldn’t have to beg for my existence to be acknowledged. And like, if you think that I sound entitled or are rolling your eyes right now, what are you even doing here?

I’m going to pump the brakes. I let a little pettiness creep in and that’s not what I’m here to do today. I’m here to break the cycle. My husband has 2 daughters and I am breaking the cycle through them. I stress the importance of making sure that they always know they are loved and supported. My husband is a genuinely great human and loves his children unconditionally, but I like to help when I can. There is just so much stuff that I wish I had in my formative years that would have done wonders for me now. The amount of work I have had to do seems endless and I just never want that for my step-daughters. Especially not if I can help.

I feel like in this day and age, how is it possible that fathers don’t know how much they shape their daughters’ lives? That every boy/man/woman that comes into her life is going to reflect the way you treated her because that is what you taught her? If you were an absent father then she’s going to accept whatever person gives her even a crumb of attention. If you were abusive, emotionally and/or physically, that’s what she’s going to gravitate to because that’s what she thinks she deserves. Aren’t we tired of the girl with daddy issues stigma? You were the first guy she ever loved, the hero in her little eyes, don’t you see that everything is based on you and what you’ve shown her?

I’m going to work on wrapping this post up. I remember watching an episode of Girls on HBO, years ago, where Hannah and Jessa were going to visit Jessa’s dad. It was an awkward episode but Jessa’s story resonated really deeply with me. There’s this scene where she and her father are having a conversation and he’s trying to explain to her why her marriage might have failed. The conversation takes a turn and he basically says that he could never and still can’t rely on her for anything. She replies, through tears, with “you shouldn’t have to. I’m the child.”

I let out more than I thought in this post and I hope that the next one and all the ones that follow will be a little lighter and brighter. I just wanted to stress the importance of certain relationships in our lives. And the father-daughter one is a really major one. It’s one of the building blocks that made you. It is rooted so deeply into who you are no matter how much you try to push it away or deny it. I wish nothing but the absolute best for my dad. I will always love him despite our rocky relationship. He’s my dad. I do hold on to hope that maybe one day we will figure out a way to work it out, but I need to do more work to just stop that little voice in my head.

If you take anything with you from this post today let it be this: if you are a parent, your kids just want to know that they are loved and supported. Don’t trivialize their feelings just because you’re not feeling them. They want to know that when life is shitty, you’re on their side. And they might not show it right then and there, but they will realize it later in life, when they least expect it. And then it will all be worth it for the both of you…

Good night.

I’m holding on, why is everything so heavy? holding on to so much more than I can carry…

Song name: HEAVY/ Artist: Linkin Park (feat. Kiiara) / Year: 2017

DEFYING GRAVITY

something has changed within me, something is not the same… I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game… too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep… it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap… it’s time to try defying gravity…

I wrote a post last night, told everyone about it on Instagram and Twitter, sat on my couch, proud that I posted finally, and then I took it down. I deleted the Instagram and Twitter notifications and removed it from my page. I thought a lot about it in the time it took me to walk from my desk to my couch (basically 6 feet?) and did a quick mental run through of the topics I wrote about. And in those 6-ish feet I realized that none of those topics deserved that kind of attention, at least not on this platform. I felt like it was such a petty post and I wanted a do over.

I haven’t written anything of value for like 2 weeks and I was anxious to just post one already. I read it a thousand times and edited the shit out of it, as usual, but when I got to the couch to watch Schitt’s Creek, I fucking cringed. And so I made it disappear. I no longer want to dwell on shit that pissed me off 2 weeks ago. The truth is that in the last 2 weeks I have made really big steps in the right direction (for once) so why would I continue to let the negativity haunt me? More importantly, why should I give it a place holder on my page? I don’t need to bookmark it so I can relive it. I didn’t have any tips or tricks about how I stopped being pissed off so I knew it wouldn’t be valuable to you. So that’s that… moving on!

We are like 10 posts in at this point so you have the general gist of how I lived my life as the victim. Convinced that the universe had it out for me. Making very small things into very big things because, at the time, I thought they were big things. I dramatized things and made them more of a big deal just because I had no idea what I was doing. I’m going to go out on a limb and sound like such a douchebag right now, but there’s this weird wisdom that comes with age. I know, I know, but let me explain. I never expected to feel wise about anything in my life. But I wish I could go back and speak to my younger self and just be like “you fucking idiot, that’s not good for you, why aren’t you seeing that?!” Such a fucking drama queen (eye roll). There were some things that were valid and those are the things that I continue to work on. Everything else can go scratch.

If I am going to be more forward thinking then the change has to come from within. The last few meditations I’ve done have brought me into that forward thinking mindset and have actually made me believe that it’s possible for me. I need to push and trust myself, which is something that I have struggled with forever. I have made some pretty cool discoveries about myself just by starting this blog. Writing it all out has helped me and given me the drive that I was searching for. I have no intention of putting any unnecessary or unrealistic expectations on this blog. But I know that I am supposed to be doing this, so I’m going to keep at it.

My life consists of patterns and familiarity. I am not fearless or careless. Young Me was both of those things. Then life sucker punched me and told me to take it down a few notches. Not only did I take it down a few notches, I eliminated it entirely. So my job right now is to get to the in between, where it’s not too little and not too much. I don’t need to live my life in fear all the time, but I do need to be cautious. I believe that once I allow my intuition to do what it’s supposed to do, I’ll be fine. I have been filled to the brim with fear about any and everything so my intuitive compass is a little off.

I have lived in the past for too long, harping on things that are no longer relevant. Giving credit to things or moments that don’t deserve my time. I don’t know why I do that. Living in the past is great for the good stuff, but not so much for the bad stuff. It holds you back and stops you from growing and learning. It’s a battle, but I’m here to fight it. I can’t go back and change anything and make it less cringe-worthy, so that’s enough now. I’m working on being present. Right here, right now. I can’t predict the future but I like to try and be prepared. I don’t like being caught off guard; I know it’s where all of my anxiety stems from. Finding the in between is crucial.

I apologize if my writing seems like it’s all over the place, but it’s because I am currently all over the place. I’m getting daily messages that I need to get my life in order. That I need to build the structure and foundation in and for life I want to live. The big message this week was “thoughts become things”. I was the victim for so long because I wanted to be. I wanted the attention or I wanted people to feel bad for me. That sounds fucking pathetic and makes me feel embarrassed. Last week I couldn’t write and didn’t feel confident enough because everything I wrote was unorganized and all over the place. But here I am today, unhinged, if you will, and I just keep thinking “who am I trying to impress here?!” Maybe you’re feeling unhinged too and you need to see that most of the time I’m NOT a fully functional adult. Who knows?

Today was a beautiful day outside and I saw a very rare opportunity and grabbed it. I took a walk during my lunch break. NYC is very scary right now but between last night and this morning I just felt like I should be taking advantage of the nice weather before it’s too hot and I become a vampire (black out curtains and air conditioning ’round the clock). I refused to let the fear of the heroin zombies stop me from doing something that I needed to do for myself. There are days where I sit in my office all day, breathing in recycled air and then having the fucking audacity to wonder why I’m a crabass. Breaking one tiny pattern was my goal today, and I succeeded. I walked 14 blocks on 7th Avenue and paid attention to every detail. I was present. I wasn’t walking aimlessly. I had a destination but I was determined not to let my mind wander. It was pretty cool, you guys. And I know that probably sounds so fucking lame, but I’m what they call “indoorsy”. I get from point A to point B so that I can get back inside. I don’t pay attention to anything walking to and from work, so it was nice to venture beyond that and actually look at what and who I was walking passed.

I know walking around a concrete jungle isn’t exactly being “one with nature” but it was nice to feel the sun on my very pale face. So I’m going to set a goal to break one pattern a week. Get off the skipping record, even if it’s just for 1 day out of the 7. I felt like I accomplished something today, even though it was just a basic thing, and that made me feel better. I gotta take these little steps because eventually they will become bigger steps. I gotta have a tiny bit of faith in myself and taking 1 tiny step out of the comfort zone is a realistic goal, for now.

I’m going to leave you with this: if shit has felt off for you lately, it’s okay. I know that the post pandemic world wants you to think that we are A. Fucking. O. K. but if you’re not, that’s fine. If you’re one of the people that has their shit together, good for you! But if you’re not, please be nice to yourself. You’re gonna get through whatever it is, it just sucks right now because you’re in it. But give yourself the time to deal with whatever it is that’s making you feel fearful, overly cautious, anxious, whatever. Invite it to the table, sit with it, give it some Entenmann’s coffee cake, and when it gets late, ask it nicely to leave…

so if you care to find me, look to the western sky… as someone told me lately “everyone deserves the chance to fly!” and if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free… to those who ground me, take a message back from me.. tell them how I am defying gravity… I’m flying high, defying gravity…

Song name: DEFYING GRAVITY/ Artist: Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenoweth (Wicked Original Broadway Cast)/ Year: 2003

ARMOR

what you didn’t do to bury me but you didn’t know I was a goddamn seed… you don’t scare me, I am of the earth… so tired of your empire, blind men only set the world on fire… sad you can’t see it, you brought the flame now here comes the phoenix…

Today I want to talk about armor and where it comes from. Where does your armor come from? If we are talking about personal life experiences (literally all I do on this blog) then we can all agree that we want to be the best version of ourselves and to do that we need some armor. I know that I wear different types of armor for different situations, but the base of the armor is generally the same. And I know I’m always wearing it, even when I don’t necessarily need it, but I feel like I do and I don’t think I’m wrong in feeling that way.

Armor, to me, is something that is earned. Your experiences, good or bad, create it. The things that I have experienced are nothing compared to what I have heard and seen others go through, but there were things that were shitty to me and just because they, maybe, weren’t as shitty as your things, doesn’t make my scars any less visible. How I choose to wear those scars and protect myself from getting more is entirely up to me. Just like your scars and your armor are yours to wear. No one can take them from you. And what’s really disturbing to me is that there are far too many people who believe they have the right to those things that, clearly, belong to you.

The last year plus has shown us that we can live in a virtual world. We heavily relied on all forms of technology to stay connected. Social media was our outlet and people used the shit out of it. Did they use it correctly? Did they maybe abuse it? I don’t know. Is there really a right way to use social media? I know FOR SURE that there are wrong ways. I saw a LOT of wrong across all the social media platforms that I use. And about a month into lock down I found myself digging my armor out of the closet and blocking, unfriending, and muting people because it was destroying my mental well-being. Here I was thinking that I wasn’t leaving the house, so what the hell did I need it for? Yea right!

I know that I am one very small person in this great big world. And I know that I’m emotional and extra to a fault. But I want, so badly, to be the change that I want to see in this world. The problem is that most of the time I am outnumbered. It’s discouraging and makes me never want to leave my house. Sometimes people say things to me and I want to say back “What in the hell made you think that I was the type of person you could say that to?” I have a handful of people in my life that don’t have the same ideas or beliefs that I do but we can have educated conversations about serious topics, we remain friends and maybe even learn some things from each other from time to time. And then there is the other handful of people in my life that I just can’t deal with because they’re too busy worrying about their online persona and they’re not worried about what they sound like in real life. And so I just distance myself because I physically can’t deal or be associated with outright ignorance and blatant disregard for anyone or anything outside of their existence. It’s just not who I want to be and doesn’t work for me anymore. I touched on this in my WAIT IT OUT post but I feel like we need to discuss it further. We live in a free country and a lot of people like to hide behind “free speech” when in all actuality, free speech seems like an excuse to be a fucking asshole.

I try to do the passive aggressive Instagram and Facebook thing where I post random quotes that touch my heart, or re-post something that speaks to me, but like really, what is that doing? I can’t even scroll through Facebook without my jaw being clenched so tight that I get a headache. So I just don’t go on. But then I do, and I get enraged and I’m like “why am I fucking doing this?!” There’s no FOMO here. Clearly I wasn’t missing out on anything that would benefit me. I don’t think I am better than anyone. I don’t feel superior to anyone. I just can’t get down with the idea that there are people who actually believe that we shouldn’t all be treated as equal human beings. Period.

I was ready to go to war last week when I saw a post that was so degrading and ignorant that I couldn’t believe what the fuck I was reading. The person who posted it was being such a hypocrite and that is ultimately what sent me into full on rage. It was something that had absolutely NOTHING to do with anything they have ever known or experienced, yet they re-posted it from some right wing-nut page with a comment about making the world a better place (uuuugggghhhh). Within seconds, I saw red. My blood pressure spiked, my face felt hot and my heart was racing. I gave it some time and I decided not to do the whole war thing. I thought about what would happen if I said what I wanted to say. Did I really want to start this knowing that I already didn’t have the energy to finish it? I played out all the scenarios in my head and not one of them made me feel any better. None of the scenarios calmed the shit storm going on in my head. Nothing I would say would make this person take down the awful post, which would have been the goal. I took a breath and tried to get some clarity. I don’t care if the person wrote me off for saying something, but fighting it out on fucking Facebook wouldn’t change a goddamn thing, so why should I engage?

I have had conversations with this person in real life and they have said awful shit in the past, I’ve disagreed, and they jumped down my throat. And I can’t even imagine the bullshit they would react with if given the time to type it all out. If I really want to be a cheerleader for myself, and eventually the rest of humanity, then I can’t respond to ignorance. They thrive on it. And sometimes they even do it just to get a reaction and see what shit they can stir up. Or they want their opinion to be validated in writing. Who has fucking time for that? Not me. I’ve tried in the past and I just can’t bring myself to do it, like ever again.

I want so badly for people to be compassionate towards one another, but I can’t teach compassion if you don’t want to see it. If you’re not willing to see beyond what you aggressively believe, then nothing I say can change the way you feel. I’m not saying I’m always right but when the fuck did everyone become raging fucking lunatics and experts of shit they read on Facebook? And so that’s when I make decisions to disassociate myself from it because I don’t want anyone to think, for one second, that I think that way. This is the world that we live in. Everyone is walking around with their soapbox ready to force you into submission. Your only job is to put on your armor and protect yourself from the nonsense. And if you are up for a fight, absolutely do it, I’ll even be here to cheer you on if you need me to! But if it won’t help you, please consider your options before trying to fight something that won’t make you better in the long run.

I feel like I live my life on the defense. I have tried to stop but every time I’ve tried, I got hit with a curve ball. And I fucking hate that. Someone is always ready to knock me down a peg. Say something that I think will help? Nope, shut the fuck up, you know nothing. And I’m over here like “aye aye captain, shutting the fuck up!” So I am always guarded. Maybe I don’t need to be so guarded, but too many life experiences have affected me negatively and this is where I am. I’m not even mad about it. Quite frankly, I worried that I would just continue to be complacent forever and ever. But I’m glad that I finally have a little something within me that is here to fight for my well-being. Because all I do is feel all the feelings and take nothing with a grain of salt, so my best life is lived on the defense. That’s where I feel safest.

I do my best to shield myself from a lot of unwanted shit. I have spent so much of my life getting blamed because it was easier just to take it than fight it. Or I was so bombarded with an unexpected reaction that I couldn’t get the words out to defend myself. I’m not fucking doing that anymore. I’m tired of talking on eggshells. I’m tired of letting rude fucking people talk to me like I’m beneath them in this invisible hierarchy that only they’re aware of. If you say something razor sharp and end it with “I’m just being honest” or “just saying” and then you see me rapidly blinking at you– it’s because in my head, I’m hoping that if I blink enough you’ll magically disappear.

We all allow WAY too much, whether we know it or not. I’ve spent my life being a fucking doormat for people to just wipe their muddy feet all over. I know that my abandonment issues from my childhood have followed me my entire life and everything I have ever done was just so I would be accepted. And I know that I’m not perfect, but I never claim to be. You’ve read a few posts of mine by now and know that it’s me against me here (hell, this whole entire post will clue you in on what kind of person I am). But it’s absolutely exhausting trying to constantly figure out what everyone needs from me and just keep pushing myself to the side or taking shit that I don’t deserve. That’s what my armor is for. My armor doesn’t reflect what you say to me back at you. That’s not how my armor works. If you hurt me, understand that going forward, you’ll never hear from me again. That’s what my armor does.

I have spent the last year surrounded by a tribe of people who continually help make my armor stronger and I hope that I can always do the same for them. I can’t give myself to people who want to try and break me down because they see my kindness as a weakness. I can no longer accept blame because it’s just easier than fighting for myself. There are so many things that have affected my mental health in such a shitty way that my armor prevents me from going there anymore. The fear of missing out doesn’t exist because it’s been replaced with the fear of someone breaking down everything that I have worked so hard to build. And I probably won’t ever be done building but I’m tired of working my ass off at shit that doesn’t help me keep building up…

my armor comes from you… you make me try harder, oh that’s all I ever do, ever do… my armor comes from you… you make me stronger, stronger, hand me my armor…

Song name: ARMOR/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019

ESCAPE ROUTE

I’ve got a life out there somewhere it’s waiting, lined with palm trees and only new faces, if I could look past the present and get there, well baby, it’s worth a shot… just enough time to plan an escape route, I put my map on the wall in the basement, not quite a victory to run from your problems, but it’s the only plan that I got…

I am having a day today. Not a bad day, just a day. I slept like absolute garbage and it feels like the tendinitis in my right bicep is coming back (feels like a knife is stuck in my shoulder joint). I don’t want to go to the doctor to get a cortisone shot, that shit hurts, so I’m hoping if I take it easy it will go away (fingers crossed). Anyway, the general vibe of my day since I woke up has just been meh. I wasn’t awful to myself when I sat up in bed this morning, 25 minutes after my alarm went off, but I noticed that I just felt meh and just continued for the rest of the day allowing myself to be meh. I know I’ll sleep well tonight because I’m exhausted and I can start fresh tomorrow morning. That’s a new thing that I’ve been doing lately. Not to sound like a total douche, but I give myself time to feel all the feelings and then I just don’t let them destroy my whole day. Like, okay, you’re tired, this is normal, move on in your meh-ness.

I felt the need to write again today. Truth be told, I wrote another post last night but I didn’t publish it because I still need to reread it 4200 times and edit it, but I wanted to get it out of my system and onto the screen. It’s ready whenever I am. This was a different feeling though. I feel like all the meh bullshit of today led me here. It’s like a really strong feeling, so I’m running with it.

Over the last few months I have been learning about spirituality. I tried Reiki for the first time right before I turned 40 and everything about it piqued my interest. I haven’t written about it yet because I have been too busy rambling on about literally everything else, but it is a really big part of my healing journey. Talking On Eggshells is not going to be a blog all about spirituality, but if we are going to put a puzzle together, I need to give you all the pieces. So from time to time, the spiritual side of things will be sprinkled in. If that’s not something you’re interested in I absolutely respect that, but I was never really into believing in things that I can’t see and now I really do see things differently.

I wrote out everything going on with my grandmother in NO HARD FEELINGS and it’s been a rough road for her, and us, but the last few visits have lightened things up and that’s definitely a plus. When everything started spiraling in the middle of January I felt like I was losing my mind. My BFF suggested that I try Reiki. She went for a session with the most wonderful Reiki goddess and really thought it would help me. Dude, it like really fucking did. Like most new things, I had no idea what to expect. The environment was very calming and so, within minutes, my anxiety kinda melted away.

I have been to 3 sessions already (bro, I’m due for another one like, yesterday) and the feelings were different each time. The information was vast and eye opening for me. I am more aware of things that I never would have thought of. In one of my sessions, we spoke about using my voice to keep people safe or protect them. And I mentioned that the idea for this blog was percolating and I was thinking of calling it Talking On Eggshells. She immediately said DO IT. And I was like girl, seriously? And she was like YES. I had been searching for domains and hosts for it, had decided on one and backed out because it was way too fucking complicated. NOT SO PRO TIP ALERT: if something is advertising that it is insanely easy to use, it’s not. I got a refund, got discouraged and figured that all of that nonsense was a sign not to do it. So when I went to my Reiki session the next day, I was assured that no, the fact that I was able to back out and get my money back was a sign that I just needed to keep looking for the right spot. And so that’s what I did.

I know that this blog may seem like a little novice thing that a person you know is doing, but it’s a really important thing for me. I don’t like being open and vulnerable with people who know me. You read that correctly. At this very early stage, the majority of readers are all people who know me. And the responses I’ve received (all positive, thank you for that!) are from people who know me. It’s weird for me. I don’t feel brave or empowered. I feel like I am just putting myself out there so people can talk shit about me. And that was the main reason that I hesitated, so many times, and almost didn’t launch this blog. Afraid that people will think I’m insane (I mean, I am a little bit) and have ammunition against me. You have seen some of the things I’ve written here, I’m technically not built for this.

The thing is, since that Reiki session, all signs have pointed me here. And the support of the people who knew I wanted to do this and held my hand as I clicked LAUNCH was enough for me to do it. I hope that this blog reaches the people that need to see it. To see that they’re not alone in whatever they’re feeling. That is the ultimate goal. I’m not writing this so people who know me can feel like they have dirt on me and bring it up at inopportune times. I’m writing this because even though we all look like we have our shit together, sometimes we don’t. And I want to be here for those “sometimes” moments.

Anyway, I brought up the spirituality side of things because I was very aware of it today. I have been seeing sequences of numbers in my day to day life. Before Reiki I would have never thought to read into them. Last night I woke up at 12:34 am. I didn’t look at the clock on my phone at work today until I realized I was hungry and saw the time was 12:34 pm. I looked it up. The explanations made sense to me and seemed very specific to the way I was feeling today. The explanations seemed like they were talking directly to me.

I put on “Getting Younger” which is the after show for “Younger”. Side note: if you’re not watching this show, get on it. I have been watching it since it started 7 seasons ago and literally wait for it to come back every year. Anyway, I was behind a few episodes on the after show, so I went back to the ones I missed. The first one only had Nico Tortorella, who is the younger love interest, Josh, on the show. Normally the host is interviewing a few cast members at a time. The general tone is always very light and funny whenever Nico is on; a really chill and open person all around. I had the episode on, but it was like on in the background, and I was kinda mindlessly listening when I heard something that Nico said. I hit rewind so I could hear it again. Then I hit rewind so that I could type it out.

“I’m in the process of family planning myself and I have noticed a, (pause, babbling), I have already felt this energetic shift in ‘oh, I’m an adult now’ like my priorities are different. And it’s not just for my children or my future children, it’s for everything around me. And finally doing it in my own life am I able to recognize what has happened to Josh. You get older.”

I know that may seem like the most basic statement anyone can make, but it hit me hard and completely out of the blue. Yesterday I wrote this blabbering post about NOT planning because I don’t want to panic or let myself down, and here’s this 32 year old person, confidently saying that they’re family planning because they feel like an adult. And it hit different because I DON’T feel like that. I can’t even remember if I have ever felt like that in my whole life. And it made me think of myself in a way that made me cringe a little. What the fuck am I doing? I have absolutely NONE of my shit together. I financially spiral every. single. month. My husband and I have literally zero means to buy a house. 40 years old and not sure if I want to have kids? Like I have time for that! Guys, I know it sounds like I’m spiraling but this was a wake up call and it has me wanting to jump start getting my fucking life in order. Like, right this very minute.

I feel like I’ve just been spinning on this turntable, day in and day out, just kind of accepting what comes my way. And I titled this post ESCAPE ROUTE not because I want to escape my life. I want to escape this mindset that I have literally trapped myself in. It’s like I don’t want to succeed. I’m too scared to excel at anything so I just keep myself in the stuff I know because it’s familiar to me. But that doesn’t make it any less scary. I don’t like this cycle. I want better for me and my husband. I want to see us kick ass in this life, so why do I keep going in circles and wondering why I am where I am?

I was asleep on my feet today, but I woke up. And I have had moments before when I though that I snapped myself out of it. But I have a different perspective now, I guess? And I don’t want to be stuck anymore. For real, for real. This was not a test. I’m going to get a house. Still iffy on the birthing children thing, sorry not sorry. I know that I am a good person. I know that my husband is a good person. I know I don’t have to keep punishing myself for mistakes I made a million years ago and think that I don’t deserve a good life. Exploring spirituality definitely got me to peek outside the bubble that I’ve created. And I know you’re probably reading this thinking that I have completely lost my mind, but things have never been more clear.

I am still learning so much about how all of this works but for the first time I’m ready to embrace all of it. There is a lot of peace in thinking about all the universe has to offer. You just have to be ready to see it. I have lived in a blur for a really long time but I’m ready to do the work. The signs are all there, you just have to see them. That’s all for me tonight. I’m so tired but looking forward to a non-meh day tomorrow. Goodnight lovies!

all that’s in between a brand new life and I is time… but time has not been kind, it’s not been kind to me, it’s winding backwards… time has not been kind, it’s crawling by… so…
slowly… and if you try to find me now I’m in all the echoes that have faded out so I’m moving on ’cause I just want to feel for once that I belong, and that’s what’s going on…

Song name: ESCAPE ROUTE/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2013

HARD TIMES

walking around with my little rain cloud hanging over my head and it ain’t coming down… where do I go? gimme some sort of sign, you hit me with lightning maybe I’ll come alive…

I’ve written a bunch already about life experiences and how they shape us into who we are or who we are becoming. I believe that the world around us has changed us in ways that we still haven’t figured out yet. I’m not writing a post about COVID, don’t worry. I just feel like this year plus really knocked the hell out of all of us and maybe we should be taking it as one giant lesson? Or maybe a whole bunch of little lessons all piled into one big one? I don’t know. I feel like if we don’t do that, then all the shit that we have gone through would just be in vain and that would be a total fucking waste.

I started my healing journey 2ish years ago. Time is completely blurry for me but I ‘m pretty sure I started about a year before my wedding and was definitely pre-pandemic. I started with somatic therapy to help rewire all the short circuits in my coo-coo banana brain and I know I was there for a while. I could check the pile of medical bills but I’m trying to move forward and I don’t need to see that shit. I remember considering tapering off my visits because I wasn’t sobbing at each one anymore and I really was feeling much better. And then March 2020 happened and my therapist asked if I wanted virtual visits and I was like WTF? Um, no thank you. We will be back to normal in a couple of weeks and I’ll see you then. Also, mental health isn’t a cheap business and, at the time, I felt like if I wasn’t with her in the office then there was no point. Cut to here and now and everything is fucking virtual… who knew?

I’m just gonna give you a little side note here: I never heard from that therapist again. I’m on the fence with how I feel about that because I literally just told you that I planned on tapering off, but still. No call, text, email, nothing? Did our relationship mean nothing to you?! HA- just kidding. I know that I chose to go or not go to therapy and it was to help me, not her, but an email to check in would have been nice. She never had a problem emailing me the monthly bill…

Anyway, somatic therapy was my start and it helped me so much. It helped me realize that the feelings I had were valid. And most of the time we just need validation, am I right? Yea, I know I was paying for it but to hear that there was psychological shit to back me definitely helped. And it changed my perspective on a bunch of shit that I harped on for way too long. And I haven’t stopped searching for ways to help me be better since. So that was definitely a step in the right direction!

When the world shut down I found out that I actually gave a little bit of a shit about myself. I was working with a registered dietitian (the best one out there if I do say so myself) and she helped me get all of my stomach issues under control. She did so much more than that. She made me see that I could be better in all aspects of my life. She pushed me to set healthy boundaries and every time I got off of our Zoom calls I literally felt like I could conquer the world. My stomach felt better and life in general felt better. And then sometime in June of last year my boss asked me to come back to the office and I freaked the fuck out. I was afraid that all of my progress was going to go right down the drain. I don’t know why but I’m sure you’ve realized by now that I’m a little dramatic? My brain goes from 0 to 60 in 0.3 seconds and so I meditated to calm the fuck down.

Meditation is one of the coolest things I was pushed to try. I always thought that my brain was too busy to actually take the time to meditate and let it actually work. But it turns out that there is a LOT of guided meditation on YouTube and I found that to be the most helpful. I didn’t think that concentrating on my breathing would ever get me out of my head but it is about changing your focus. I am the most wired person I know and I highly recommend it. I also found it super helpful that a few people told me to not put so much pressure on yourself to get into a meditative state. If you go into meditation worried about if you’re going to meditate or not, what’s the point? There have been so many times that I put in my earbuds and just could not get into it. That still happens now but I don’t push myself, I just listen. And it usually calms me down. And if it doesn’t work, then I move on.

All of these things to better myself have pushed me to where I am today. And that’s all I can give you. I can’t give you what will happen going forward. Every single day I’m still weird me. I can’t pick out clothes the night before because I don’t know which version of me will wake up tomorrow. I don’t like setting myself up for failure so I just don’t do shit like that. I have weird little peckadillos (as Johnny Rose would say) that just don’t allow me to plan. When I plan, I panic and can almost guarantee that whatever I planned will absolutely not happen. I wake up, most days, 25 minutes after my alarm goes off and I rush around to get out the door and catch the train. Could I actually wake up when my alarm goes off? Yes, of course I could. That wouldn’t be any fun though. Why would I actually want to get to work looking like a put together adult woman when I could just look like a fucking train wreck?

So I beg of you- don’t ask me when I’m getting a house or having kids. I’m not there yet. And I know in biological clock world I’m old as fuck and high risk and whatever. My gynecologist said I have until 43 before I’m like off the charts high risk. My husband and I will be the old ass parents you see at the park and we’ll be sitting there with his children and people will think that our kid is their kid and we are the grandparents. It will be fucking hilarious and I would consider it just for that picture alone. Point is, I can’t get my hopes up for things that might not happen. And I sure as hell can’t do it because that’s what people expect of me. I don’t need that kind of pressure.

I know that I have the ability to change and move forward despite all of the time I spent in self sabotaging quick sand. And I know I’m 40 and should have it all together by now but fuck that shit. I don’t have to do anything I’m not ready to do and I refuse to push myself down the road that society expects me to take. I have been defying everything that society says I should be since the day I got here and maybe there will come a day when I want to conform, but I wouldn’t bet on it. My brain still has a little coo-coo banana left in it and sometimes when you tell me that I HAVE to do something, it makes me not want to do it even more…

I have to live with me everyday. And some days are amazing and some days not so much. I wake up with zero expectations but I find that if I start the day being nice to myself then the rest of the day isn’t complete shit. Some days I wake up and should be locked in a fucking closet all day with the mood I’m in, but I have the ability to get myself out of it. I don’t have to be a crab ass and ruin the day for my husband or anyone else that comes in contact with me, that’s not nice. I will leave you with this… On the days you feel like absolute garbage, just be nice to yourself. You don’t have to treat yourself like you’re a piece of shit. And if you need help getting out of it, or want someone to tell you that you’re a fucking rock star, email me or something and I’ll build your fine ass up.

gonna make you wonder why you even try… (hard times) gonna take you down and laugh when you cry… (these lives) and I still don’t know how I even survive (hard times) (hard times)… and I gotta hit rock bottom…

Song name: HARD TIMES/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2017