I gamble big for the smallest part, I know it’s not enough to change what’s been going on, but it’s all I got, I misjudge and switch up, from target to target, miscalculate what it is that I wanted, swimming in circles, in search of substance in shallow waters, that give me nothing, how can optimists be cynical? so, if I’m honest I think I’m beginning to question how much I want this, overloaded serial stressor, I’m sitting nauseous, panic on a loop in my head, I’m chronically cautious, how can I get off this? to keep it simple I think I’ve been willingly following every impulse, picturing a future, then tossing it out the window, suffocate the fire I started right when it kindles, passionate but fickle…
I’m warning you ahead of time, this is going to be all over the place. I am currently all over the place. There are far too many tabs open in my brain and I don’t even know where to begin. And this is the problem with me, always. I get myself wrapped up in too many things and then bitch about being overwhelmed. Historically I have been the one who would thrive in total chaos, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore.
I have been writing about my struggles here for quite a while and still haven’t done a damn thing about any of them. And so I’m sitting here writing this today, completely fed up with myself. Am I supposed to just continue to be complacent with my own mediocrity? Could it actually be that I have so much fear about the unknown that I’m just going to be stuck in what I know and am unhappy with for the rest of my life? That really doesn’t sound like fun at all.
I have so many things being cooked up in my brain, things that I want to put out into the world, that I never finish because the thought of doing all the work only to fail is just too overwhelming. Like a deer in headlights, I don’t move. The fear of failure makes my brain shut down so I don’t proceed. Another fire doused before it even has a chance to ignite. Why am I like this? Why can’t I go all in and just trust the process? Because, life. That’s why.
Somewhere along the line I stopped being carefree. I started caring about every little thing. And every little thing that made up every little thing. It’s exhausting. It’s because of unresolved trauma that I’m trying to fucking resolve it, but it doesn’t happen overnight. And I really admire people who honestly float through life on a cloud. My feet are firmly planted in the ground with ivy growing up my legs because I’ve been stagnant for so long, paralyzed by fear.
Tonight is a full moon plus lunar eclipse and everyone is saying that now is the time to let go of the shit that is weighing you down so that you can move forward. And once again, I’m frozen in place. I have written down all of the negative thoughts that I have regarding abundance and having a good life, ready to release all of them, but the bottom line is that, no matter which way I slice it, I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone like me would deserve a good life. That’s years and years of being my own worst enemy just creeping out of every one of my pores.
Recently I have been trying to step out of my comfort zone. Tiny steps, but I’m taking them. And it’s getting a little easier to breathe. I have a lot of really good stuff in my life and I just want so badly to be able to use all that good to push myself forward. I have people who have my back and would push me and support me. It’s me that is the problem. And that me voice speaks louder than everyone and I need to figure out a way to shut that bitch up.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to shut her up. Her words will no longer have an effect on me because I know they’re not true. I do not accept that energy! I’m going to start listening to the voices that matter and little by little that voice inside will fade until I can’t even hear her anymore. I have to pick one thing, focus on it, and complete it. Regardless of the voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough and that I will fail. Because I won’t ever know unless I try. And I have to try, right?!
Anyway, sorry again for the rambling but this is how we take the trash out. We talk about it, get it out of the system, and move forward. I promise that I’m going to do my best. And I hope that you see my bullshit and laugh and promise yourself that you won’t go down this rabbit hole. That you will do better than what you read here. That you will know your value and not let anyone, not even yourself, deplete it in any way.
I’m here for you if you need me. Let’s try and be better because it’s getting a little ridiculous watching assholes succeed in life while the rest of us are questioning if we are good enough!
Thanks for reading, I appreciate you!
the source of my serotonin is only digital, ’cause my reality’s fading, I guess it’s typical, can’t switch back, it’s mismatched in dopamine, get whiplash, it hits fast, controlling me, swerving in silence, I’m all alone, in traffic, I’m trapped and I can’t find home, I’m an optimist who’s cynical (That’s f’king miserable)… so, if I’m honest I think I’m beginning to question how much I want this, overloaded serial stressor, I’m sitting nauseous, panic on a loop in my head, I’m chronically cautious, how can I get off this? to keep it simple, I think I’ve been willingly following every impulse, picturing a future, then tossing it out the window, suffocate the fire I started right when it kindles, passionate but fickle…
Song name: CHRONICALLY CAUTIOUS/ Artist: Braden Bales/ Year: 2023
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 