Category: Uncategorized

I went on the search for something real, traded what I know for how I feel, but the ceiling and the walls collapsed, upon the darkness I was trapped, and as the last of breath was drawn from me, light broke in and brought me to my feet…

I’m going through something that’s very hard to describe or explain. But most mornings I wake up in a panic. Completely overwhelmed and in the fetal position. UPON WAKING UP. And I let myself sit with that panic for a little bit. Sobbing with hot tears pouring out of my eyes and unable to get a steady breath going. It scares me a little bit because, in those moments, I don’t know what to do. I get myself out of it eventually, but those moments knock the wind out of me.  I’ve been all over the place lately and I am finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together to understand why. I can’t quite put it into words right now, so I’m not going to try to explain it and sound even crazier.  It’s called Dark Night of the Soul.  Google it and you might get a small glimpse into what I’m currently dealing with.

There is a hole in my soul and I’m trying to fix it. And I have to start with self love. I don’t know if you have taken the time to read most of the posts in this self loathing blog, but my self love isn’t even par. It’s sub sub sub par. Maybe even rock bottom.  And I’ve given myself nothing but excuses my whole life. Always walking around like a Debbie downer. Well not always, but enough times for me to notice. Fuck, this whole blog is just one giant downer lately. About how I’ve been struggling and blah blah blah. I’m over it. And I’m going through it right now and I’m actually trying to work on it because I can’t continue living like this.

So, most days, I’m diving in, head first, when I’m not sobbing my eyes out. I’m aware that there’s no more time for games. No more being complacent. No more nonsense. Gotta shed this destructive ego of mine. It’s not doing me any good. It makes me feel battered and bruised when no one even laid a finger on me. It makes me think things that aren’t real. It has me searching for validation in places where I won’t get it. It lets me believe that I’m the victim when I’m so far from that it’s not even funny. I have all the things I need and then some. And I feel so silly that I’ve behaved this way for as long as I have.

The last 20 days have been absolutely brutal. Like, really really brutal. Unbearable. I had no idea why at first. And then I talked it out with my spiritual goddess and I felt so validated but so silly. Everything that I’ve been working on the last few years may finally have reached its pinnacle. And I’m really fucking uncomfortable. And I’m sitting with my thoughts and I fucking hate it. But this is apparently what I need to do so that I can become the person I’m supposed to be. I have been giving myself excuses my whole entire life. I have been so horrible to myself. I have been taught that I shouldn’t be a priority. And look at where it got me. It got me exactly to the place I’m supposed to be. And honestly, these last 20 days have been a rollercoaster that I just want to get the fuck off of already.

The days feel longer and longer.  I’m still not sleeping as much as I should.  My dreams are vivid and weird.  It feels empty inside my body.  Like I don’t have a heart.  But then, a bad thought creeps in and my heart makes me painfully aware that it is, in fact, very much there and it is not okay.  I question everything and wonder if I’ll make it through whatever this is.  And I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking that I should probably see a mental health professional as soon as possible.  And I will tell you that it’s a no for me.  I can’t even begin to describe what I’m going through, nor do I want to discuss it with someone who is going to prescribe me medication that I’ve already taken that didn’t work.  I promise you that I am aware of what is going on, I haven’t gone crazy and medicating me will not help right now.  

Yesterday I was over all of it.  I said, out loud, to the universe, spirit, God, whatever you choose, that I was done.  That I wish you would just leave me alone.  That I’m not cut out for this shit and that I’m fine being who I was before I started exploring spirituality.  That I don’t care about my intuition or my purpose here on earth.  That I just want to coast for the rest of my life doing whatever it is that everyone else needs me to do for them.  I was frantically waving the white flag.  And then something really weird happened.  I went on YouTube, like I’ve been obsessively doing these last 20 days trying to make sense of what the fuck I’m going through, and this video came up.  It was a tarot reading from someone I’ve never seen before.  And it said Pisces in the title, and I’m a Pisces, so I clicked on it.  And the message through the entire hour was “you can not give up.  You have to do what you were born to do.”  And there was so much more mind blowing shit that happened in this one hour video and I understood that the video was there for me to see.  And that maybe I should try to use what resonates, even though I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.

The bottom line is that I need to heal and let go. Like, really let go. Anything that is harmful to me needs to go. The horrible thoughts about myself. The bullshit family trauma. The shame. The guilt. And most importantly, my very harmful ego. Until I shed that destructive layer, nothing will make sense.  I’m here for a reason and I am finally starting to believe that everything that has made its way into and out of my life has a purpose.  And I need to stop feeling like these things are happening TO me.  I need to start believing that they are happening FOR me.  And I know that sounds insane, but it’s all I’ve got right now.  This whole thing has changed me in a way I never expected.  I can map out everything that got me to this point like some crazy Good Will Hunting unsolvable math equation and it’s fucking wild.  

I’m fucking exhausted but my eyes will not close.  And it’s infuriating.  I feel alone but do not want anyone’s help.  I don’t want to bring anyone down into the darkness with me. So I keep it light. Everything I’m doing on the outside does NOT reflect what I’m feeling on the inside.  Inside I am a fucking mess.  I feel lost, hopeless, broken and sad but I’m doing my best.  And even though the bad moments are currently outweighing the good, those good little moments have been helping me through. I promise I’m going to make it out of this darkness.  This is a road I never saw myself traveling but I’m going to make it through.  If you see me in real life, I promise I’m okay.  I’m just going through it.  I’m in it and it fucking sucks.  So don’t ask me if I’m okay.  Just talk to me about all of the good shit you’ve got going on in your life.  I’m not okay, but I will be. I am, after all, a magical fucking unicorn.

If you made it to the end of this post, I appreciate you.  I know it seems like I’m in the upside down, and I probably am a little bit, but I got this.  And if you need me, despite everything you just read, I’m always here for you…

there’s no fortune at the end of the road that has no end, there’s no returning to the spoils once you’ve spoiled the thought of them, there’s no falling back to sleep once you’ve awakened from the dream, now I’m rested and I’m ready, I’m rested and I’m ready to begin…

Song name: FEBRUARY SEVEN/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2012

This has been an excruciating week. I’m dealing with some really heavy, soul crushing shit right now and I’m doing my fucking best. I’m doing the work, I promise, but I can’t tell you who I’ll be from one minute to the next. So today, this post is going to be a little different than my usual sad sack bullshit. Since things are currently so freakin’ heavy in my soul, I’m going to try to keep it light. I’m going to share some of the songs, and lyrics, that are on repeat in my earbuds that have helped me come out of the dark and heavy moments that feel unbearable…

Uncharted – Sara Bareilles – “but I’m so low, never knew how much I didn’t know, everything is uncharted…”

Calm Down – All Time Low – “everything’s fine if you pretend, bless this mess, hallelujah, but I’m about to lose it…”

Laundry Room – The Avett Brothers – “I am a breathing time machine…”

Mirrors – Justin Timberlake – “I can’t ever change without you, you reflect me, I love that about you…”

Easy on Me – Adele – “I know there is hope in these waters but I can’t bring myself to swim when I m drowning in this silence…”

Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen – No lyrics necessary here, I mean…

Dark Side – Kelly Clarkson – “Please remind me who I really am…”

Tell Me I’m Alive – All Time Low – “I‘m messy, I’m reckless, I fuck shit up for breakfast…”

Kings and Queens – 30 Seconds to Mars – “The age of man is over, a darkness comes at dawn, these lessons that we’ve learned here have only just begun…”

Souls Like the Wheels – The Avett Brothers – “One little song, give me strength to leave the sad and the wrong, bury safely in the past where I’ve been living, alive but unforgiving…”

Shake It Out – Florence + the Machine – “And it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off…”

The Ballad of Mona Lisa – Panic! at the Disco – “Whoa, Mona Lisa, you’re guaranteed to run this town…”

Let Go – Frou Frou – “So let go, jump in, oh whatcha waiting for? it’s alright, ’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown…”

We Are Young – FUN. – “We can burn brighter than the sun…”

Do or Die – 30 Seconds to Mars – “Here and now, under the banner of heaven we dream out loud…”

When We Are Together – The 1975 – “The only time I feel I might get better is when we are together…”

Under Pressure – Queen & David Bowie – “Chipping around, kick my brains around the floor, these are the days it never rains, but it pours…”

Don’t Worry – The 1975 – “When the pain flows through your heart and your bones, don’t worry darlin’ ’cause I’m here with you, don’t worry darlin’ the sun will shine through…”

As I’m typing this out I realize that maybe most of these are total downers? But like, you know when you just feel like shit and want to cry it out? I guess that’s what really helps me? Anyway, I’ll share some of the bops with you too. I’m not a total puddle of tears 24/7! I’m not sharing lyrics of these – just listen to them and dance!

A Party Ain’t A Party – Queen Pen

Time of Our Lives – Pitbull & Ne-Yo

Big Energy (Remix) – Latto & Mariah Carey

Shake Your Rump – Beastie Boys

Check On It – Beyonce

Shut Up and Dance – Walk the Moon

Fat Bottom Girls – Queen

Yeah 3X – Chris Brown

Leave the Door Open – Silk Sonic

Alright, that’s all I can muster up today. Hope if you’re feeling shitty that the sad songs help you cry it out. And if you’re feeling really good, just dance!

I can turn it on, be a good machine, I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need, be your everything… I can do it, I can do it, I’ll get through it… but I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down, I’m only human and I crash and I break down, your words in my head, knives in my heart, you build me up and then I fall apart, ’cause I’m only human…

Today was a fucking day, dude. Been having more of those lately. I can’t fucking sleep. I love sleep, so it really annoys me that I can’t do it. But I’m tapering off of Zoloft, because I’m so done with being medicated, and so my sleep schedule is all messed up. There’s no reason for me to lie about it here. I was on meds and I no longer wish to be on them. I didn’t quit cold turkey, I’m tapering off again, and I’m learning how to feel all the feelings. And it’s really fucking hard.

I keep repeating myself in these posts because these thoughts are at the forefront of my brain. It sucks right now because I’m in the thick of it and I just want to get the fuck out. I’m tired of dealing with this. I have no patience. As grateful as I am for finally waking up and trying to take care of myself, part of me despises this journey and how uncomfortable I feel on a daily basis. Learning about me and my needs makes me feel icky.

I’ve been extra sensitive lately. Not that I wasn’t sensitive before, but it’s too damn much now. It’s like someone turned the waterworks knob all the way up in my brain and then broke it off and now it won’t stop. It was probably me. I was probably like “what’s this? and then broke it, not realizing what it was, shrugged my shoulders, tossed the knob in the garbage and walked away. And it’s not for any particular reason except that all the feelings make me cry. Like all the emotions are making their way out of my eyeballs. When I’m extra happy, I cry. Sad for a second, cry. Frustrated, cry. It’s absolutely insane and I have to believe that eventually I will cry myself out and it will finally stop.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am just one human in this very big world. That I can’t do everything. I can do anything because I’m a magical unicorn, but I can’t do everything. I used to thrive doing everything all at once. And now, cue the waterworks, she’s overwhelmed!

Setting boundaries has been the most difficult thing for me. I want to do what I want to do and when someone tries to prevent me from doing whatever that is, I get big mad. Like a little kid ready to throw a tantrum. I’m a grown ass woman, and that is absolutely unacceptable. So this week, with all of the lack of sleep and crying, I’m going to try to be productive and figure out ways for me to express myself in a healthy way instead of jumping straight to overreaction. That’s the goal for this week. Stop acting like a giant fucking baby. Seems doable.

I know we are all kind of going through it in some way so I guess the point of this post is that we all need to be a little nicer to ourselves. That when it’s too much, it’s okay to take a step back and check in with whatever shit you’re dealing with. Evaluate what’s on the very full plate, separate necessities, wants and needs and see what should take priority. What has to stay and what can go. It’s not easy, but we all have to start somewhere. Even if it’s removing one thing off the plate that makes it heavy, and not in a good way. Try to keep the things that make you smile. Believe it or not, those are necessities.

Side note: please remember that the people in your life will always be pushing you. Some of them really do have your best interests at heart. But there are some that aren’t doing it for your own good, but rather their own good. And you need to be able to recognize that and make sure it fits into what you’re trying to do for yourself.

I hope you’re doing alright. And I hope that you come here and know that you’re not alone in whatever you’re dealing with. And if you made it to the end of this mess, thanks for reading. I appreciate you!

I can take so much, ’til I’ve had enough… ’cause I’m only human…

Song name: HUMAN/ Artist: Christina Perri/ Year: 2014

tell myself on the ride home, getting tired, hating all I’ve known, holding on, like it’s all I have, count me out, when it’s clear that I find it hard to say and you find it hard to care… I wanted to see something that’s different, something you said would change in me, wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me…

I felt the need to write today. Today wasn’t a good day. I’m hormonal and I’m a fucking mess. The last couple of weeks have been a wild ride in my brain and I don’t know if its progression or regression but it is causing a lot of aggression and I feel like I want to scream. I’m not going to scream, but I feel like I am screaming internally. For what, I don’t know.

I have no patience. And I’m sure that I have made some progress with all of the work that I’ve been doing. But I don’t see any of the results of my work. If anything, it feels like I am this giant open wound, oozing shit all over every aspect of my life. I feel like it was better when I was completely closed up and internalizing everything. And I know that is what inevitably got me to this point, but now I just feel completely exposed. I’m this weepy fucking mess that just cries over the stupidest things and it’s fucking ridiculous.

I’m trying to do all the right things and still feel like I’m doing everything wrong. The rest of the world seems to be doing whatever the hell they want and I’m over here, every single day, beating myself up over every little thing. Will I forever be my own worst enemy? I honestly can’t answer that question. I’m trying so hard to advocate for myself, but clearly I’m not doing a very good job.

So I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to sit here and write out all of the things that I actually like about myself. There aren’t that many, but I think that they’ll get the job done.

1. I love ferociously. If I tell you that I love you, I promise that I mean it.
2. I feel all the feelings. Like, I actually feel them. If you’re sad, I feel it. And I will do my best to let you know that I’m here to sit with you in your sadness or leave you alone until you’re ready to not be sad anymore. Whatever you decide.
3. I think that I’m pretty funny… it makes me want to vomit even saying that, but this is a list of things I like and I know that I have the ability to make people laugh and that makes me happy.
4. I give good advice because of item # 2 on this list. My goal, as whoever I am to you in your life, is to make sure that you know that you’re a kick ass human being. So if you’re doing great and just need validation, I’m your girl. If you feel like shit, I’m going to tell you all the ways you need to get yourself out of feeling that way because you’re a kick ass human being.

That’s all I can come up with, and that will have to be enough for now. I know that I am “a lot”. I know that about myself and feel like I always need to defend it. I have consistently told myself to be “less” but I can’t do it. This is who I am and I’m just trying to get comfortable with it. The world is vast and if I am too much for you, you can go find less and that’s okay.

I know there is still so much to be done and I promise I’m still working on it. I haven’t fully given up on myself, I’m just tired. And on days like today, where I have raging hormones and lack of sleep creating a tornado in my brain, it’s just so exhausting. But I know that tomorrow is going to be better. I didn’t enjoy the way all of this felt today. I allowed it, but won’t allow it to continue into another day.

I want to share a quote with you from Akif Kichloo that really spoke to me and made me feel seen in all my self inflicted drama today:

“I am one part courage and three parts fear. Three parts love and one part bitter. Half risen from rock bottom and half still in free fall. You can either love me whole or not love me at all.”

I’ve been through a lot, but I’ve gotten back up every time. Sometimes it took me longer than I would have liked, but I got up. And I have hope that whatever the fuck all of this is (insert maniacal hand gestures), will eventually turn into a result that I can see. That I’ll eventually see that all this emotional turmoil wasn’t for nothing. Right now it still feels like I am very much in the eye of the storm, but on the good days, I do feel peace, and that gives me a little more hope than I had the day before.

I know it’s always a lot and all over the place, but I appreciate you sticking with it if you made it this far. I am always here if you need me…

I’m taking a chance, this could be different, this could be all I’m waiting for…

Song name: DIFFERENT/ Artist: Acceptance/ Year: 2005

I gamble big for the smallest part, I know it’s not enough to change what’s been going on, but it’s all I got, I misjudge and switch up, from target to target, miscalculate what it is that I wanted, swimming in circles, in search of substance in shallow waters, that give me nothing, how can optimists be cynical? so, if I’m honest I think I’m beginning to question how much I want this, overloaded serial stressor, I’m sitting nauseous, panic on a loop in my head, I’m chronically cautious, how can I get off this? to keep it simple I think I’ve been willingly following every impulse, picturing a future, then tossing it out the window, suffocate the fire I started right when it kindles, passionate but fickle…

I’m warning you ahead of time, this is going to be all over the place. I am currently all over the place. There are far too many tabs open in my brain and I don’t even know where to begin. And this is the problem with me, always. I get myself wrapped up in too many things and then bitch about being overwhelmed. Historically I have been the one who would thrive in total chaos, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore.

I have been writing about my struggles here for quite a while and still haven’t done a damn thing about any of them. And so I’m sitting here writing this today, completely fed up with myself. Am I supposed to just continue to be complacent with my own mediocrity? Could it actually be that I have so much fear about the unknown that I’m just going to be stuck in what I know and am unhappy with for the rest of my life? That really doesn’t sound like fun at all.

I have so many things being cooked up in my brain, things that I want to put out into the world, that I never finish because the thought of doing all the work only to fail is just too overwhelming. Like a deer in headlights, I don’t move. The fear of failure makes my brain shut down so I don’t proceed. Another fire doused before it even has a chance to ignite. Why am I like this? Why can’t I go all in and just trust the process? Because, life. That’s why.

Somewhere along the line I stopped being carefree. I started caring about every little thing. And every little thing that made up every little thing. It’s exhausting. It’s because of unresolved trauma that I’m trying to fucking resolve it, but it doesn’t happen overnight. And I really admire people who honestly float through life on a cloud. My feet are firmly planted in the ground with ivy growing up my legs because I’ve been stagnant for so long, paralyzed by fear.

Tonight is a full moon plus lunar eclipse and everyone is saying that now is the time to let go of the shit that is weighing you down so that you can move forward. And once again, I’m frozen in place. I have written down all of the negative thoughts that I have regarding abundance and having a good life, ready to release all of them, but the bottom line is that, no matter which way I slice it, I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone like me would deserve a good life. That’s years and years of being my own worst enemy just creeping out of every one of my pores.

Recently I have been trying to step out of my comfort zone. Tiny steps, but I’m taking them. And it’s getting a little easier to breathe. I have a lot of really good stuff in my life and I just want so badly to be able to use all that good to push myself forward. I have people who have my back and would push me and support me. It’s me that is the problem. And that me voice speaks louder than everyone and I need to figure out a way to shut that bitch up.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to shut her up. Her words will no longer have an effect on me because I know they’re not true. I do not accept that energy! I’m going to start listening to the voices that matter and little by little that voice inside will fade until I can’t even hear her anymore. I have to pick one thing, focus on it, and complete it. Regardless of the voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough and that I will fail. Because I won’t ever know unless I try. And I have to try, right?!

Anyway, sorry again for the rambling but this is how we take the trash out. We talk about it, get it out of the system, and move forward. I promise that I’m going to do my best. And I hope that you see my bullshit and laugh and promise yourself that you won’t go down this rabbit hole. That you will do better than what you read here. That you will know your value and not let anyone, not even yourself, deplete it in any way.

I’m here for you if you need me. Let’s try and be better because it’s getting a little ridiculous watching assholes succeed in life while the rest of us are questioning if we are good enough!

Thanks for reading, I appreciate you!

the source of my serotonin is only digital, ’cause my reality’s fading, I guess it’s typical, can’t switch back, it’s mismatched in dopamine, get whiplash, it hits fast, controlling me, swerving in silence, I’m all alone, in traffic, I’m trapped and I can’t find home, I’m an optimist who’s cynical (That’s f’king miserable)… so, if I’m honest I think I’m beginning to question how much I want this, overloaded serial stressor, I’m sitting nauseous, panic on a loop in my head, I’m chronically cautious, how can I get off this? to keep it simple, I think I’ve been willingly following every impulse, picturing a future, then tossing it out the window, suffocate the fire I started right when it kindles, passionate but fickle…

Song name: CHRONICALLY CAUTIOUS/ Artist: Braden Bales/ Year: 2023

I’m a liar, I’m a cynic, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I’m a loser, I’m a critic, I’m the ghost of my mistakes, and it’s all my fault that I’m still the one you want, what are you after? some kind of disaster? I crashed down from a high it felt so real, I never knew how much it would hurt to feel, you gotta hurt sometimes to learn to heal, you gotta get back up and learn to deal…

Last week was rough. Trying to figure out my emotions, every single day, is beyond exhausting. Trying to regulate while also trying not to get too overwhelmed is a job in and of itself. So when everything is going fine on the hamster wheel, no hiccups tripping me up, it’s already a tough job trying to stay even keeled. Add in a hiccup and everything I built just crumbles.

I don’t actually know what I’m building anymore. I feel like as soon as I start laying some ground work, someone comes in, who says they’re on my side and has my back, and just starts kicking shit around. Everyone has their issues, I get it. Fuck, I’m the most understanding person when it comes to hurt people hurting people. I’m just so goddamn tired of whatever it is inside of me allowing people to fuck with my progress.

I’m such a bleeding heart that I feel bad for the people who are hurting me. Is that the most insane thing you’ve ever heard?! It sounds insane to me. But I know that they’re hurting and that makes me sad. I’m such an empath that I just let people take whatever I have left even if it’s only crumbs at this point. And even in my darkest hour, I’ll still find a way to help someone who needs it more than me. And I’m glad, at the very least, that I haven’t lost that.

I just try so hard to stay on the up and up and it’s so much work for me. Negativity is just so much easier to embrace and accept. And it’s like the second I get myself to a decent amount of positive, someone comes along and wrecks it. Because being positive isn’t my natural state of being, so the negative comes in and I allow it take over. Negative makes sense to me. I don’t know how to sustain positive.

It’s so frustrating living inside a brain that has so many different things firing on all the cylinders all the time. I am always trying to do the right thing and I lose sight of what the right thing is for me. I back myself into corners and have no one to blame but myself. Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I feel like I’m just paving this beautiful road to no end.

If I’m being totally honest here, the only people who go directly for my jugular and never miss are the people in my family. And that’s because there is a world of hurt that has maintained a secure spot in my heart and so every time someone says something, whether it was intended to hurt or not, all of that existing hurt just pours out of me. And that makes me feel weak and very much like a failure and I hate that about myself. The good news is that I’ve been working on it and it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. That doesn’t make me hate that feeling any less though.

When I got into the fight that prompted this post, I was caught completely off guard. I thought it was going to be a normal, shoot the shit kind of conversation. And it went completely off the fucking rails, very quickly. The person I was talking to knew what to say to hurt me. And as he was going off on his tangent, I sat on the other side of the phone line with a lump the size of a boulder in my throat with burning hot tears pouring out of my eyes, unable to speak. When he finally gave me the chance to speak up for myself, I told him that he and other family members who have told me that they just want me to be happy are fucking liars. And that I will never be happy in my life because they don’t want me to be. They want me to be miserable like them. I told him, literally every day that I’m alive, you guys ruin my fucking life.

Is that what I should have said? Does that sound like something that a nice person who cares for people would say? NO. But in the heat of the moment I said what I truly felt for the first time, probably, ever. His words were hurting me, so I just let it all out. I didn’t hold back to spare his feelings. In that moment, what was the point? The thing about words is that once you say them you can’t take them back. Luckily, I was speaking to a person who was raised by the same family so there’s no harm, no foul. But I don’t ever want to say things like that again. I was proud of myself for being honest, but also felt an insane amount of gnawing shame.

So I’m sharing this because maybe you needed to hear it. Maybe you needed to see that when people push your boundaries and you lose your fucking mind that it’s okay. Maybe you needed to see that you’re not the only one who hates the way shit plays out sometimes. Maybe you’re tired of dealing with the same shit over and over again. There’s a million maybe’s. But the point is that you need to know it’s okay. If you are doing the work and you’re trying to do better, keep going. Don’t ever give up. You deserve a good life, even when the little voice in your head tries to tell you that you don’t. Even when hurt people try to hurt you.

This post took me a long time to write. When I said last week, it was actually 2 weeks ago. But something told me to finish it and so I did. Too many of us are hurting right now, so let’s all try to be adults and let it out in healthy ways. Try to be kind even when it hurts. And don’t be so hard on yourself if you can’t do that right now.

Thanks for reading…

well I’ve sung this song a thousand times, I wore the crown, I sold the lie, I lived the life and paid for every crime, it’s all downhill, still it’s a climb, through blood and tears but I don’t mind, I’ll just keep singing on and on and on…

Song name: SOME KIND OF DISASTER/ Artist: All Time Low / Year: 2020

well I woke up to the sound of silence and cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight, and I found you with a bottle of wine, your head in the curtains and heart like the Fourth of July… you swore and said, “we are not, we are not shining stars” this I know, I never said we are… though I’ve never been through hell like that I’ve closed enough windows to know you can never look back… if you’re lost and alone, or you’re sinking like a stone, carry on… may your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on…

Over a month ago I watched a documentary on HBO Max called “Katrina Babies”. I had written this post and published it and then quickly took it down because it didn’t feel right to me. So months later, here I am fixing it. Round 2, let’s go!

Quick side note, 1 paragraph in, I am someone who is completely captivated with all things Katrina. I have watched every single documentary. I own a LOT of books on it. Some just contain photographs. Some are autobiographies. Some are books all about the science of how and why it happened. Doesn’t matter what the book contains, I have it, I’ve read it and I am deep in it. I was in New Orleans pre-Katrina and for some reason I have this very weird connection (obsession?) to it. I can’t explain it, but I am always drawn to things about it.

Anyway, Katrina Babies was an eye opening documentary. Then again, every documentary on anything Katrina related is painfully eye opening. As someone living in New York, I couldn’t be farther from it. New York City is full of culture but it’s different. Different in a way that I can’t really explain at this time. And I’m not even going to try to gentrify it in this post. It’s different in a way that I will never know, and that’s okay. Period.

Katrina Babies was directed by a man named Edward Buckles Jr. who was 13 when Katrina hit the city of New Orleans. Read about him and his documentary here: https://time.com/6207875/katrina-babies-edward-buckles-jr-interview/ It’s worth the read. And the documentary is worth the watch. Because children are the future and no one ever asks how things affect them. The shit we don’t ask them when they’re young often materializes into behaviors that we don’t understand, or want to understand as they grow up. It’s easier to blame the environment, their friends, their parents, their teachers, etc. Meanwhile, if we looked at the science, we would see that when something traumatic happened in their formative years, chances are they’re dealing with, or not dealing with, all of that unresolved trauma well into their adulthood.

I’m not writing this post to take away from the documentary. I’m not writing this to take focus off of that and put the focus on me. But there are really important things that need to be talked about and the documentary is a jumping off point for a lot of those things. Conversations about trauma and coping with it are vast. And we might be finally getting to a point where talking about it is more common than not talking about it.

Having this outlet has helped me tremendously, but I want to avoid talking about the sad girl shit all the time. There’s clearly something that’s trying to work it’s way out but I can’t put my finger on what the fuck it actually is. And I imagine that a lot of other people feel that way. The way you are is a culmination of your life experiences up to now. And every day there is more stuff that comes into your life that changes you. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. Every single experience, big or small, is adding to who you’ll be. I always joke that I can’t pick my clothes out the night before because I don’t know which me will wake up in the morning. It’s a joke, but there’s a lot of truth to it. Because my life experiences have turned me into these weird versions of myself and it feels like everyday I’m navigating into brand new territory that’s also strangely familiar.

My life has not been a bad life. It hasn’t been easy and I feel like I’ve done a lot of it on my own. I have never met anyone like me and so it’s difficult for me to figure out what I’m actually dealing with. And so this new area of my life that I’m exploring has been really difficult for me. It’s like I’m late to the game of processing all the shit that I’ve pushed down for so long and it’s just overflowing out of me. And I don’t want it to affect the people that I love, and I’m terrified that it will. But the truth is that many of us are dealing with too much right now, and it’s just the way that we deal with it that’s different.

No matter which way you slice it, trauma is trauma. And it’s not up to you to decide how someone else deals with theirs. It’s not up to us to write someone else’s problems off just because they seem easier to deal with than your problems. We are all wired differently, so we are all going to deal with it differently. There is this quote from Morticia Addams (KWEEN) that says: “Normal is an illusion… what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly…” Let that marinate. I have been both the spider and the fly, and when you put it into that perspective, it kind of makes you think, doesn’t it?

I have caught myself, so many times, quickly judging people for stupid shit. Honestly, like who the fuck am I to judge? There are a lot of reasons why people do the shit they do. And I can guarantee that even the stupidest shit can be linked back to some sort of trauma. I’m saying the word trauma a lot, but that’s a blanket term. Because it doesn’t have to be something you would deem as “traumatic” but these experiences do weird shit to you. I remember I was in 8th or 9th grade and there was this girl in my Social Studies class who always had an attitude. And one day a group of us were talking before the teacher started the class and she says to me “oh my God, do you have an off switch?!” First of all, was it necessary to embarrass me in front of my peers? No, but mission accomplished. This is something very, very stupid, but it altered my brain chemistry. To this day, a million years later, if I’m talking with a group of people, I catch myself because I remember what she said, and wonder if I’m talking too much, and I shut down. Pauline, if you somehow see this, NO, I don’t have an off switch and fuck you.

Anyway, this example was one ridiculous thing, but can you imagine the impact of someone saying this to you, but they were someone you actually loved and admired? Can you imagine trying to speak your truth and someone shutting you down and calling you names? Can you imagine feeling a certain way and trying to tell someone and them telling you that your feelings don’t matter? Or that your life doesn’t even come close to the life they had? I’m not saying we should all be therapists and handle everyone’s feelings with kid gloves, but maybe we could stand to be a little kinder? Could we maybe try to see that when people act a certain way that maybe there’s a reason for it? And that maybe you won’t hear that reason right away because people are apprehensive about giving a reason until they feel comfortable? I don’t know, it really fucks me up how quickly people will laugh at your problems when you’re not fucking laughing. How people will outright embarrass you because what you’re talking about makes them uncomfortable so they deflect. Hurt people hurt people. People who have done the work on themselves don’t just treat people like shit.

Again, I’m not saying everyone has to be a sobbing mess about stupid shit that happens in this life, but a lot of the shit you encounter isn’t about you. And once you start approaching life like that, you can’t un-approach it. There’s a reason for everything.

Circling back to Katrina Babies, these children were displaced from their homes. Whether it was a family decision to leave and take them away from everything they knew, or they stayed and had to be removed from their homes that flooded with boats or helicopters, no adults in their lives ever asked what the aftermath of that did to them. They dealt with shit so far beyond what their brains were equipped to deal with at the time. Most of them were speaking about it for the first time in this documentary when they were being interviewed as adults. And their grown ups had no idea that their kids were suffering internally. Because they were kids, and kids are resilient. Yes, they are, but it’s not up to you to put that on them. It’s not up to any of us to decide what the rest of their lives will be like. Trauma like that has to come out eventually, and sometimes the outcome isn’t good. People don’t always end up on their feet when they fall and there has to be a better way to resolve situations like that.

We have to start paying attention. And it’s not sugar coating anything. Please don’t tell me you were beaten as a child and look how great you turned out. Don’t do that. It’s okay if you’re not fine. You don’t have to be a sad sack like me about your trauma, but you also don’t have to be a dick. There’s a sweet spot between sad sack and dick and if we can find it, that will be what fixes the world we live in. I’m currently working on being more kind and understanding. And I have really shitty moments because unlearning behavior is a process, but I’m trying really hard to make sure that I can be a safe place for people who don’t have one. I’m trying to take the shit that I’ve been through, stupid as some of it might be, and turn it into something useful. And I hope that you read this and want to do the same. It’s not going to happen overnight, but all of these little changes will eventually turn into something bigger than all of us.

I’m not sure if anything in this post made sense, and I promise that I wasn’t using this documentary to get views here. Watching it opened my eyes a little wider and I wanted to share. I hope that something in this post resonated with you, and if not, thanks for reading anyway.

’cause we are, we are shining stars, we are invincible, we are who we are… on our darkest day, when we’re miles away, so we’ll come we will find our way home… if you’re lost and alone, or you’re sinking like a stone, carry on… may your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on…

Song name: CARRY ON/ Artist: FUN./ Year: 2012