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FADE

I try to breathe… Memories overtaking me… I try to face them but the thought is too much to conceive… I only know that I can change, everything else just stays the same…

So the last post, UNCHARTED, was about letting go. It’s a process. Everyday I am learning more about how to do it. Getting the confidence in myself to actually let go of the shit I need to let go of. It’s fucking hard (that’s what she said) but it is necessary. I have spent so much of my life holding on to pain, shame, guilt, anger, all of it. And I created this lead character for myself in my story that was a victim. And when you finally open your eyes and see this story unfolding, you’re like, um excuse me, who the fuck is writing this shit?!

It’s a very weird day when you realize that it’s YOU. YOU did/are doing that and there is no one to blame but yourself. Yikes. You mean I have to take responsibility for this shitty character that I created? Yea, you do. This character got me to this point in my life. It has also brought some really great shit along with all the bad shit. So why would I choose to focus on the bad? Sounds like it’s time to let it go…

Most of my life has been spent people pleasing. ME is not included when I say people. It has always been easier to give myself to other people than to focus on the shit I have been stuffing down for decades. But all that shit has caught up to me. And I’m just done. I want to be done with people and things that no longer bring me happiness. The big realization that was staring me right in the face and I chose to ignore it is that most of the things I may have classified as bringing me happiness were actually causing me a LOT of fucking pain. And that’s how you get to the point where you’re done, done. And it can happen really dramatically or it can be a really quiet thing that happens between you and you. Either way, you get to that point and there is no turning back.

I got to this point a little over a month ago. Have you ever had an experience that was so fucking eye opening that you were actually at peace when the emotional dust settled? Or like, you didn’t even know you needed to see it but you did and then something inside of you shifted? I have spent years of my life trying to just be included. I never asked for anything other than inclusion and this particular experience just made me realize that it won’t ever happen.

Anyway, the stars aligned on this one and I saw everything that I needed to see. And I blew up, cried my eyes out to my husband (God bless him) and I looked at him and I saw how hurt he was for me and I just said “I’m done”. And we both knew, in that moment, that I meant it. And so for his sake, but most importantly for MY sake, I mean it this time. There is no going back.

It has been a really weird thing for me. Being done. I always give people second (third, fourth, fifth, etc.) chances, even when they don’t deserve it. Even when history has proven that they’ll do it again. Even when they have made it perfectly clear that there is no space for me in their lives. But when they need me, I’m there. That sounds like a sick fucking cycle that needs to be broken NOW. And so there is no better time for me to do it. This one really fucking broke me. And the worst part is that they won’t even notice. Actually, is that the worst part? There is no worst part here. Because if they won’t notice, then I won’t have the opportunity to give however many chances to start the cycle again. Look at me, writing shit out and learning shit!

You are in charge of the character you write. Who do you want to be? Think about it. Dig deep. You are allowed to be who you want to be. Yea, life can deal us a really shitty hand sometimes, but we absolutely have the ability to turn it around. We have a rite in this life to change. I read a quote (don’t quote me because I’m gonna fuck it up) that said something to the tune of you don’t have to be who you were 15 minutes ago. I fucked it up so I looked it up so you have the real quote: “You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago.” Well I’m glad I looked it up! I was a little off on the minutes but the general idea was there (she shrugs).

My point is that we don’t have to hold on to the person we were if it no longer satisfies us. Even if it was just a few minutes ago. I don’t have to be the victim, maybe for a little bit of time I really believed that I was? But why should I continue to be a person that hangs on to the bad shit? Why should I be continually angry and hurt by people and things that in the grand scheme of things really don’t matter? Do I want to drive all of the good people and things out of my life? Because hanging on to the bad shit is a sure fire way to do that. The ability to find that character and write my story is within me and I am on my way to writing her the way she deserves to be written. It has been a bumpy road, but it won’t always be that way and that gives me shit loads of hope.

Now I’m older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade… But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made… I never meant to fade…

Song name: FADE / Artist: Staind/ Year: 2001

UNCHARTED

Just me in a room sunk down in a house in a town and I don’t breathe… No, I never meant to let it get away from me… No, too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold, and I want uncharted…

I am going to be honest right from the jump. This post may be loaded and will probably be all over the place. This post is the first of many, the truth is that I don’t even know where to begin. But I promise that I will try to get it together as we move along. So for now, I’m uncharted (not mapped or surveyed). Side note: you’re going to notice that each post begins with a song, probably one that relates to the topic. Music quiets the crazy in my head and lets my imagination run wild so I had to incorporate it into whatever this is…

I have struggled for a long time with being able to speak up when it comes to how people treat me. I have always written it out in some way. And honestly it has been far too long since I’ve written anything out. I have been too busy overthinking everything going on in my life. Even the littlest things set me off and so I thought, maybe it’s time to get back to what makes me let it out and move on.

Lately, I have been hearing and reading things that are telling me to let it go. I know that the first thing you think of when you read that is Elsa, I mean, who isn’t thinking of her? Hell, I’m thinking about her right now. And it speaks volumes that a cartoon character is literally making ALL the sense right now. I’m right there with her, up on that snowy cliff, ready to build my ice castle out of magical shit. The movie is meant for the little ones, but really it’s mentally for the big ones, right?

Anyway, back to my “let it go”. I have a really hard time letting go of shit. I am an emotional hoarder. Thank the good lord no one can see what’s swishing around my gray matter right now. I mean, I can’t even keep up with it. I hold on to every single thing. And then I like to go back and relive it and feel all the feelings even if they’re garbage. And that’s not healthy. Like, at all. I need to be able to forge on and I can’t do that if I’m literally carrying everything with me. Things that don’t belong. Things that don’t deserve to hold a place in my gray matter. Things that are no longer relevant to the person I’m trying to become. Why do I do that? Do you do that?

While I’m at it I should probably mention that I’m not only an emotional hoarder. I would say that my collection of things in my apartment needs to calm the fuck down before I become an actual hoarder like you see on TV. I get emotional attachments to things and feel bad if I throw them out. That’s weird right? Like we bought a new dining room set and when it was time to put the old one on the curb for garbage pick up, I apologized to it and told the table that it was a good table. And then it started raining later that night and I felt really bad for the table. It was in pretty bad shape otherwise I would have sold it but still. Does anyone else do that?

Anyway, I hear it and read it all the time that life is too short. I don’t feel that way. When I hear it, I laugh. Life is not short. I don’t says things like “live life to the fullest!” and “you only live once!” I just can’t get there mentally. Not right now. There is too much emotional shit I’m trying to unpack before I can get there. Everything is too heavy. And I feel the weight of all of it. You can’t carry everything with you. It’s impossible. You are one person. Whatever it is that’s weighing you down, you have to let it go…

Easier said than done. I’m trying really hard to learn how. And I hope to share it all with you. There are a lot of ways to emotionally release the shit that is weighing you down. And you ultimately need to figure out the best way that works for you. Believe me when I say I have tried all the things and I’m still working out which way works best. I still don’t know the right way but I’m finding out what works for me. Sometimes it takes a few tries but you have to keep trying. For yourself. No one else.

This is new for me. And if it’s new for you too then we are in this together. And if this is something you are experienced in, well then I’m open to suggestions. I’m open to anything that will help clear the mind. This whole thing of “letting go” is uncharted for me but I’m fucking here for it. Maybe life isn’t too short but it’s too short to let stupid shit hold me back from being ME. Maybe it’s time to move the fuck on. Maybe it’s time to grab life by the balls and just do whatever you need to do. Either way, it needs to be done. And we can do it together. We can explore all of the uncharted shit together. There’s strength in numbers so I’ve heard…

So let’s do this. You. Me. All of us. We can do this and we will get there. Because, not for nothing, we deserve it. We deserve to let it all go and then move on. We are humans and we are fucking amazing. And we deserve all the good shit we watch happen to everyone else. I’m ready for the uncharted…

I’m going down, follow if you want I won’t just hang around like you’ll show me where to go… I’m already out, a foolproof idea, so don’t ask me how to get started, it’s all uncharted…

Song name: UNCHARTED/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2010

WELCOME

Welcome to Talking on Eggshells! However you got here, I’m so glad you made it!

Maybe you’re dealing with some unresolved trauma, whether it’s recent or it’s been hanging around since childhood? Maybe you’re trying to figure out how to be more assertive and set healthy and realistic boundaries? Maybe you’re trying to figure out how to deal with toxic people in your life? Maybe you have lived your life in a fog and just recently realized that it’s time to start actually living? Maybe you’re disappointed in the world we are currently living in and don’t know how to cope? Maybe you’re not dealing with any of those things but someone important to you is? I am every person that I listed above. And (DISCLAIMER) I am NOT a mental health professional, but I’ve seen a bunch and I have been doing a lot of work on myself over the years. And I just wanted to create a space where I could compile all the things that I’ve learned with all the things I’m still learning so that I can circle back when I need to. Because honestly, sometimes I’m so tired and emotionally drained that I forget that I paid a TON of money that I don’t have to try to get myself back to good.

I have struggled for a very long time with the ability to speak my mind. I’m one of those people who just shoves things down so far because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, or I am afraid of what others will say. I end up getting stuck in situations that pique my anxiety and feelings of dread, I feel uncomfortable, I agree with shit that I don’t agree with just so I don’t look like the asshole who doesn’t agree. And then when I finally hit my internal breaking point, I blow up, cry, lash out, etc. It comes out as a reaction, not a response. Does this sound familiar? If you know this feeling or have witnessed this in people that you care about, you’re in the right place.

I want this blog to be an outlet; for you, for me, for anyone who needs it. A place where you can have the conversations that you might be afraid to have, about what you’re going through, good or bad. I know that you are strong and deep down you know it too. You just can’t express it properly or feel like no one will listen when you finally figure out how to. I have tried very hard to educate myself on how I behave, I am my own worst enemy. I have read a lot of books (I will add links to some of my favorites) and seen different types of mental health professionals. And I haven’t been diagnosed with anything other than anxiety (sprinkled with a dash of depression) but that shit can be crippling when I let it. I just keep telling myself that I am still a work in progress. Did I still want to be a work in progress at 40? That’s a big fat fucking no! But this is life and you can’t compare your progress to the progress of others around you. If you take anything away from this blog let it be this:

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CONFORM TO SOCIETY’S STANDARDS

I want this to be a place for everyone. I want this to be a place where we educate each other and hear each other out. I want this to be a place you come to and you know you won’t feel like absolute shit once you’re here. I want this to be a place where you can be yourself, whoever that ever changing person is. I am not here to judge you and I will not accept anyone else trying to judge you. This will always be a safe space. I am NOT a self-help guru or a life coach. I am a mess 98% of the time and I just wanted to create a soft place to land when you feel yourself falling. Most importantly, I want you to be able to come here, feeling however you’re feeling, and leave here knowing that you are a little bit closer to being who you want to be.

One more tiny DISCLAIMER… as you might have noticed already, I use bad words. I’m going to continue to use bad words. If the bad words bother you, ignore them, they’re just sentence enhancers.