Author: lmvschmidt

I don’t write ’cause I don’t think, I don’t have a need to speak, I don’t see the bright side quite as clear… accolades and happy days, they don’t ever last, stories of courage clouded up with fear… in the broom grass, I would l lie, glimmer in my eye, the sun smiled back on me, from victory, I tried to match eternal light with how I live my life, of course, I was forced to retreat, from victory, I accept defeat…

In the grand scheme of mental health, things are getting lighter. They’re not all gone, but they’re lighter. It’s probably because I’m just learning to live with them, but they’re lighter none the less. I’m struggling a lot these days and I’m not afraid to admit it. Paying attention to myself and things I need is not something I’m used to. So when I do it, I’m uncomfortable. And living in a state of discomfort isn’t exactly living the dream.

I don’t really know who I am anymore. It was much easier to be complacent with what everyone else wanted and needed. And that was who I was. I was the girl who did all the things that other people needed. Being a people pleaser was my identity. And it’s not that I’m not a people pleaser anymore, it’s that it makes me uncomfortable and that’s unfamiliar to me. It used to make me happy, and sometimes it still does, but that’s only when it’s on MY terms. The fog in my brain lifted and I realized that everything that has happened in my life was manifested by me.

All of the things that I rejected and ran from are the things that I’m currently dealing with. And I say to myself sometimes that it can possibly be that this is what I’ve managed to create for myself. But it is. I was a doormat. And I have allowed far too much. And I’m here now, absolutely emotionally exhausted, realizing that it’s all because of me. I gave people the wide open door to walk through and they walked right in and made themselves at home. Am I going to throw them out? Of course not. But I’m trying to find a little corner for myself where I fit. It’s a full house, but there has to be a little corner for me.

And asking for a small corner took a LOT of work. And that small corner is all I’ve got. I can’t ask for more than that, I’m not there yet. Me asking for that corner confused a handful of people. Why does she want a corner? What’s wrong with her? Something must be wrong with her! She never wanted a corner before! Now I have to make her a corner and that’s ridiculous! How dare she!

I get frustrated and continue to internalize the feelings because I know it’s weird that I’m not acting like myself. I’m in a constant state of feeling defeated because I still don’t know how to get whatever it is I’m feeling out in the right way. And I never want to hurt people with my feelings so I just keep shoving them down. I’ve asked for help before and just didn’t go the way I needed it to, so I keep shoving it all down. So when it finally does come out, it’s weird for people. I never did that before, so when I do it makes people uncomfortable. And so there’s this very strange adjustment period for everyone involved, and that’s probably the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever written!

Consideration for other people’s feelings and behavior is not something that is welcomed in society. I have a brain that always searches for the why. I give people the benefit of the doubt all the time. I make excuses for people and try to be a decent person because I know everyone has something going on in their lives that they’re coping with. And the empath in me won’t shut the fuck up about it even when people are being really awful and insensitive. Because I know that hurt people hurt people. People who have done the work on themselves and figured out what makes them tick don’t deliberately make people feel like shit. So that little bit of information is locked and loaded in my brain and I do my best to take the high road when I see someone is going low.

I’m just seeing and hearing such awful things lately and I’m just doing my best to keep my head above the water. Shitty things are happening to really good people and that doesn’t make sense to me. My brain can’t comprehend things like that. And the frustration of all of it continues. And if we all looked at our problems as lessons life would be a lot easier. But we often don’t figure out that it’s a lesson until much later or until we are ready to see it. That sounds like a whole bunch of bullshit, but I know it’s true. And the truth isn’t always what we want to see.

I feel like I always come here to write out all this sad sack shit and just talk in circles. Somehow it’s helping me so it is what it is. I can’t keep letting this internal voice let me think that I don’t matter. I matter. I don’t know why I matter, but I do. I’m going to keep going on this journey because I don’t know where it’s taking me but I know I’ll find out eventually. And that has to be enough for me.

I’m sorry if this was all over the place again. I’m sure that it will make sense eventually. I will leave you with this… Life is really fucking hard. And it throws wicked curve balls at you to deliberately knock you on your ass. Please always get back up. I’m rooting for you, I promise. I know I just ranted and raved about being a doormat, but I’m opening the door for you and I will share my small corner with you if you need it…

am I sad or am I sick? what’s at the root of it? do I throw my hands and quit? something tells me, no… worries on all sides of my mind, in silence, my darkness is denied… in the broom grass, I would l lie, glimmer in my eye, the sun smiled back on me from victory, I tried to match eternal light with how I live my life, of course, I was forced to retreat, and from victory, I accept defeat…

Song name: VICTORY/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2020

you can go, you can start all over again, you can try to find a way to make another day go by… you can hide, hold all your feelings inside, you can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry… maybe someday we’ll figure all this out, try to put an end to all our doubt, try to find a way to make things better now and maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud, we’ll be better off somehow, someday…

I’m not going to lie, the last couple of weeks (maybe months?) have been rough. Starting and then tapering off antidepressants isn’t an easy thing to do. And I’m positive that everything I’ve been going through lately is because I have fully tapered off Lexapro and I’m feeling fucking everything. That was not a good medication for me. I was on Zoloft for years because I used to have crippling panic attacks and my anxiety was out of control. And Zoloft really helped curb all of that. I never felt like it was doing anything, which I guess is good, but if I missed a dose or two I would get these ridiculous brain zaps and I would be like “shit! I need to take my meds!” But some where along the post Covid line, I started getting more depressed and I felt like maybe I needed something that would cater more towards depression and also help my anxiety at the same time. When I went for my annual physical after the new year I spoke to my doctor about it and we both agreed that I should try Lexapro.

It started off alright I guess. I definitely felt like I needed more so the doctor upped the daily dose. And about a month into it is when things started to change, and not in the way I expected or wanted. I started feeling even more depressed. I had zero drive, I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I sat on the couch and cuddled with the puppy. That was all I could muster up. Of course I didn’t realize this was happening until one day I was like “wow, I’m like really fucking sad.” and I realized how long I had been feeling that way and decided it was time to start tapering off the Lexapro. In all my battles with depression and anxiety, I had never felt or been as bad as I was. Also, the insurance/pharmaceutical industry is a fucking scam and a 90 day supply cost me over $300 with insurance. Why would I renew a prescription that wasn’t even working at that cost?!

Tapering off has been the most challenging thing for me. I don’t know how to do life after medication because I’ve been on some form of it for so long. One minute I’m great, feeling like I can do anything. And the next minute I’m flooded with brain zaps and feeling like I could cry at any moment. But, the only way out is through and man, am I going through it. I keep reminding myself that I will get through this and that I’m okay. It just sucks right now because I am in it. And maybe you’re reading this and thinking I’m fucking crazy and that I should be medicated. But that medicine was a mask and it made me disappear. I don’t even like myself most of the time, but I wasn’t feeling even a little bit like myself and I just wasn’t okay.

It may very well be the case that eventually some medication will help me. But the only way for me to find that out is to sit with whatever I am feeling and figure out if it’s something I can fix or if it’s something that needs medical intervention. Right now, it feels frustrating but manageable. But honestly, what the fuck do I know? All I really know is that when I started paying attention to myself, I opened up a fucking Pandora’s box that’s just wide open and running a muck on my mental health. There are bad habits and patterns that need to be broken. There are more boundaries that need to be set. There are even bigger strides that need to be made towards giving a shit about me. And I really do feel like I’ll get there, I just have to do the work. Medication made me not want to do anything. I didn’t even care if I bathed. I would peel myself off the couch, drag my ass into bed and not sleep for the entire night. I was exhausted. Every single part of my day was exhausting.

I can’t confidently say at this moment of writing this out that I feel better. I feel very messy, confused, frustrated and unhinged. The littlest things get on my nerves. And navigating my way through the mental health system in the United States is not something I’m up for right now. I don’t have the time, money or the patience to pick a therapist. I don’t have any desire to do talk or cognitive therapy. I am tired of testing people out to see who is the right fit for me, and having to spend at least $200 on a session that was fucking pointless. And I don’t want to pay $300+ on medication that doesn’t work the way I need it to. I just can’t do it right now. Down the road, I guess I’ll see, but right now I just don’t want to do it.

Please don’t misunderstand me here – if you have struggled or are struggling with your mental health please continue to do what you need to do. Take your meds. Talk to your doctors. Keep doing what you’re doing if it’s helping you. My issue is that nothing was helping me and starting from scratch isn’t what I feel I need to do right now. But if you have a plan that works, keep it going.

There’s just too much going on outside of my bubble right now. Too many things that I can’t control and those things just add fuel to the anxiety flame. I’m anxious about everything and I need to figure out the right way to self soothe. To shut all of that shit out and control what I can. I am slowly realizing that I have access to too much shit and like, I’m the type of person who shouldn’t pay attention to all of it.

I’ll give you an example: I got a pet camera for when I would leave my puppy home alone. I would check it way too much and found that I would spend my day worrying and watching her. After 3-ish weeks of that, I disconnected the camera and decided to have confidence in my smart puppy and just hope that my house wasn’t destroyed when I got home. Spoiler alert – it wasn’t. Having that camera gave me too much access and something like that does NOT work for someone like me.

Learning to trust whatever process this is is something I need to get comfortable with and it’s really fucking hard. I don’t really trust anything. I don’t have much faith in anything. I don’t have the ability to just fling shit up to the Universe and say “it will all work out” because life has kicked my ass a little bit and I’m just not wired that way. The good news is that I’m finally trying. I’m scared to death of what the future holds, but I think that I can muster up enough faith to let myself know that I will be okay. And that’s a good start, right?

Thanks for reading. I know that this post was messy, but I’m here if you need me…

I don’t wanna wait, I just wanna know, I just wanna hear you tell me so, give it to me straight, tell it to me slow… ’cause maybe someday we’ll figure all this out, we’ll put an end to all our doubt, try to find a way to just feel better now and maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud, we’ll be better off somehow, someday…

Song name: SOMEDAY/ Artist: Rob Thomas/ Year: 2009

To all the dirty looks, the kitty cat calls, to the ones who try and throw us up against the back walls, let me tell you something you’ll understand: only the little boys tell you they’re a big man… to all my sisters and all our friends, we have to thank them, please, strength means blessed with an enemy…

I don’t usually like repeating songs unless I have a point. So trust me when I tell you that there is a meaningful point to this repeat. The first time I used this song I talked about my armor and where it came from. Today, I’m here to talk more about the actual song because it is empowering and I feel like I really need to feel empowered. Maybe you do to?

I’m feeling very feisty lately in relation to the general icy fucking attitude towards women in this country. Maybe it’s because they keep taking our fucking rights away, or maybe I’m just hyper aware of how people, ahem, men, treat us and it’s really starting to grind my fucking gears. And honestly, it should grind yours too. My eyes are wide open now and what I’m seeing doesn’t make sense. I’m just trying to figure out how this happened.

We matter. We. Fucking. Matter. We are an integral part of the wheel of life, and I don’t know why people are constantly trying to insist that we aren’t. I touched on this, briefly, in my last post. And I was actually nervous about clicking “Publish” because I didn’t want to seem disrespectful or ungrateful. And I’ve had more time to think about it and let it marinate, if you will, and you know what? Fuck that. I’m done keeping my mouth shut about shit that’s important. Why should I be nervous for speaking about things that are true? Because I’m a woman? No, no, just no. If you’re mad, is it because you think I’m lying or is it because I’m speaking a bit of truth and it makes you uncomfortable?

I’m making a general statement. I know that all men aren’t like this. In fact, most men on this planet know a woman’s worth. It just seems that not enough of those men are the ones who are in positions of power. And I don’t know how we got this far into the future only to go back in time. Back to a time where women were here simply to do what the men needed. There have been so many women who have paved this beautiful path for us, and the men in power are still like “okay, doll face, why don’t you go make me a cup of coffee?” This narrative is gross and needs to just go the fuck away. It’s not going to just go the fuck away, it takes a lot of work and I just keep asking why? Why do we have to work at something that should just be normal?

On the live version of this song, Sara Bareilles explained that the seeds of this song were written when she got home from the Women’s March in DC. She spoke about how she had never felt more safe, seen or heard. That we were finally getting to a point where there was a shift in consciousness and that things that once were didn’t have to be anymore. That was recorded in 2019. What has changed? Because I felt the same way in 2019. I felt like we were finally going in the right direction. That our voices were finally being heard. Maybe things were finally going to be different. That being a woman meant something and that everyone was finally seeing it. And then they overturned Roe v. Wade. And like, I’m sorry, but go fuck yourself. I can think of 400 more issues off the top of my head that were exponentially more important than this, that need immediate attention, that have gone completely ignored because this is what the Supreme Court felt was really fucking important.

And I swear to God, if you fucking tell me that the life of an unborn fetus is more important than the life of the woman carrying it, just go away. This post, and honestly this entire fucking blog, it’s not for you. If you are a woman and want to keep spreading a false narrative about some bullshit that the men who voted to overturn Roe v. Wade keep telling you, I don’t have time for you.

Next they want to overturn every other fucking thing that made people feel safe in this country. Gay marriage, trans rights, ALL OF IT. Just get rid of it like it never happened. How about you mind your own fucking business and work on shit that actually matters? That would be great. Why don’t you work on stimulating the economy and oh, I don’t know, climate change? How about you worry about those things because those are things that actually affect ALL OF US. Overturning laws that were already put into place, that have only made life in this country more tolerable, doesn’t seem like shit a democratic nation should be worrying about. Those laws are good bro, let’s move on to the more important shit. Why are you going backward? Is it because you’re afraid to move forward?

I’m fired up right now and I’m probably talking in circles. But the future of our lives is in the hands of old men and delusional women who are stuck in a time that no longer exists. In order for things to actually change, you have to start somewhere. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that I live in a very progressive state where I can have an abortion safely and not get penalized for it. BUT, what about all of the women who don’t have that luxury? The women who are scared to death? What about them? It’s so much bigger than me or you. You have to take off the blinders and see this for exactly what it is. We have to collectively start somewhere and stay on an actual path into the future.

This wasn’t my most well written post, and I’m grown enough to admit that. But it’s because I’m furious. I’m sick of being treated like an accessory instead of an asset. And maybe that makes me a “crazy broad” but I’m fine with that. We may not all be equal in everyone’s eyes, but we are all human beings. Surround yourself with people who believe it’s time for a progressive change. Because we all came from somewhere and we all deserve the right to a brighter future than the generation before us. The narrative has to change. Change is an integral part of life and progress and it’s fucking scary as hell sometimes, but doesn’t have to be. If we all make one small step and speak up every time we see or hear someone who doesn’t want that narrative to change, then I believe we have a shot. Just because that’s the way it was does NOT mean that that’s the way it has to be. The system is broken but I really do believe that it can be fixed for everyone who comes after us. It starts with us though…

I see the unforgettable, incredible ones who came before me, brought poetry, brought science, sowed quiet seeds of self-reliance… bloom in me, so here I am, you think I am high and mighty, mister? wait ’til you meet my little sister… oh, my armor comes from you, you make me try harder, oh, that’s all I ever do, oh, no my armor comes from you, you make me stronger, now, hand me my armor…

Song name: ARMOR/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019

rows and flows of angel hair, and ice cream castles in the air, and feather canyons everywhere, looked at clouds that way… but now they only block the sun, they rain and they snow on everyone, so many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way… I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down and still somehow it’s cloud illusions I recall, I really don’t know clouds at all…

I’m trying really hard not to be the sad girl. I’m trying really hard not to be the basket case. I’m trying really hard just to be normal. Well, normal for me. Which might not be normal for you, but whatever. I’m fighting every day in this battle with depression. And it may not be severe, but this is the saddest I have ever been. I’ve done too much work trying to get to the best version of myself but didn’t follow through with much of it and now I’m here, feeling all the feelings, and I don’t know what the fuck to do with them. Depression sucks. Add in anxiety and you’ve got a cocktail of chaos. Well, I’ve got a cocktail of chaos and it tastes like shit.

The truth is that I can’t keep up with it. I don’t want to keep up with it. I’m exhausted. I have a good life and it makes me mad that mental health makes me believe sometimes that I don’t. I know what I have but I struggle with being grateful. And that just makes me sadder because I feel like a piece of shit. Round and round we go! It’s a never ending cycle of self loathing and that makes life a little difficult. I keep falling into the same crap habits financially, mentally, physically, emotionally and I get mad and get myself out of these little bitchy fits and then I fall right back into it because one thing discourages me or brings me down. Round and round and round.

I chose this song today because, well Joni Mitchell. I don’t need to go further than that, but I will. I saw a video on YouTube today of Joni singing this song at the Newport Folk Festival this weekend and it sent chills up my spine. For the last few years she has been having major issues with her health and to see her singing on that stage was quite magical. Every singer that was on stage with her was either in tears or choking them back. There were times where she was faster or slower than the music and everyone on stage collectively helped her. They slowed the music down or sped it up or would start her off with the lyrics to the next verse. It was sad but it was also really beautiful. And by the end of the video I realized that I was bawling. The level of respect that every musician on the stage had for her was incredible to watch.

This song has always meant a lot to me. It’s filled with metaphors that I’ve always related to. Joni was a trailblazer in an industry that favored men and her songs were powerful and meaningful. I could go on and on about her, but that’s not what we are doing here today. If you listen to the re-recorded version of this song, it’s even better than the original. Her voice is deeper and I remember hearing that version and having a lump in my throat. Anyway, this song speaks to me. And I feel like it really speaks to what I’m currently feeling. So in typical me fashion, I listened to it 47,000 times today to make myself feel all the feelings and get them the fuck out of my body.

I’m struggling a lot in my day to day life. I’m struggling with working in an industry that favors men. I am a smart, educated, strong woman and I’m tired of being treated like an idiot. It’s exhausting fighting the battles everyday. The micromanagement is not needed and yet it’s happening all day. For some reason I’m apparently a crazy broad who you can’t give constructive criticism to. I don’t know when that happened but I would rather hear what I did wrong, or continue to do wrong, than constantly be told how to do my job. I thought I was good at it but am reminded every day that everything that I bring to the table is not enough.

I’m so deep in this depression that I don’t know if I’ve changed so much that it’s all of a sudden bothering me or if it’s been happening this entire time and didn’t ever bother me until now. It doesn’t matter, really. What matters is that it’s absolutely killing me. I can’t keep fighting this fight of trying to prove to people that I’m smart and I know what I’m doing when it won’t matter anyway. And yea, maybe it’s the case that my boss thinks that we are good and micromanagement is just how he operates. And maybe it could be the case that I’m working so hard on my mental health and setting boundaries that I don’t like it. Either way, it’s not something to easily discuss and quite frankly, I don’t want to do it.

I just feel like the tank is empty and with the price of gas these days… my goodness that was stupid and I apologize.

too alarming now to talk about, take your pictures down and shake it out… truth or consequence, say it aloud, use that evidence, race it around… there goes my hero, watch him as he goes… there goes my hero, he’s ordinary…

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. It’s not uncommon for that to happen to me, it’s just usually annoying songs I hear on TikTok. Anyway, it’s been running through my head since I opened my eyes, and it got me thinking about heroes. Who they are and what they mean to us. I tried really hard to think if I had a few, or even just one. And honestly, I couldn’t think of any.

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines the word HERO as:

1. A mythological or legendary figure often of divine decent endowed with great strength or ability
2. An illustrious warrior
3. A person admired for achievements and noble qualities
4. One who shows great courage

Typing out these definitions made it perfectly clear to me that I am correct – I do not have a hero.

I’m not trying to be rude or obnoxious. I just don’t currently have the ability to idealize someone so much that I would define them as a “hero”. Do I know people who do courageous and awesome shit? Absolutely! But I guess maybe my own personal view of what a hero is may actually be a little skewed.

I feel like as a society we do this quite often. We take a word and strip it of it’s meaning because it sounds cool. Like people calling mundane shit “EPIC”. No, that’s not what epic means. And I have no idea why, all of a sudden, I’m so concerned about the definitions of words, seeing as though vocabulary wasn’t really my thing, so I’m not sure where this is coming from. But like, why do we do that? I guess what’s happening right now is that I’ve just figured out that this is something that really fucking bothers me. People taking the meaning out of words just to make something seem better than it is.

I can’t say that this post might not have a bitter agenda behind it. Because I’m writing all of this out and all I can think about is how the term hero is often used in conjunction with the word father. And I’ve been pretty clear on this blog since the beginning, my father is not my hero. That doesn’t make him a bad guy, it’s just not what he is to me. And when I see the word hero in relation to a parent, especially father, it really rubs me the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t think it’s possible for a parent to be a hero, it’s just that I’m coming from the opposite end of the spectrum. I didn’t have that, so I don’t know, and I’m bitter about it sometimes.

I was talking to my husband about my relationship with my stepfather. He passed away when I was 20 years old and I have spent the last 21 years not knowing what could have been. In my brain I have made him out to be this magical, mystical, heroic man who saved me from myself, but the truth is that all I know is what I had for the 5 years he was in my life. Did he change my blueprint? One thousand percent. I can’t imagine what kind of awful human I would have become without him. But the story stops at 20 for me. And I have spent the last 21 years writing a story that might not really have happened if he was alive. Could it have happened? Maybe. But once again, I will never know. And we do that a lot with the people who have passed. We are given the gift of being able to write their story to fit our agenda.

If you asked me 20 years ago if my stepfather was my hero, I probably would have jumped on the “my daddy is my hero” train. He was brave until the moment he died. But he was still a human being. He and I still had moments of being stubborn and hardheaded about the things we believed in. Would he even like the person I am now? Who knows? And I think that being given that gift of writing out how life would go if they were still here is probably the best coping mechanism you can get while you’re grieving a huge loss and forced to continue living without them. His death changed my life. It changed who I was, who I was becoming and who I am now. I have spent years of my life missing him, resenting him, wishing he was here to see certain things, etc. It’s a lifetime of never knowing and just coping the best way we know how.

The last couple of years I have been trying really hard to get a handle on what’s real. It’s been difficult trying to organize my thoughts and not feel, or sound, like a crazy person. A lot of shit swirls around in my gray matter daily and the ultimate goal is to get some sort of routine in motion that involves writing it out so it stops swirling endlessly. In this quest for some sanity, I found that I notice a lot of weird shit about what we do to to make ourselves feel like our lives aren’t just one endless ride on a hamster wheel. We sprinkle in words like hero and epic to make things and people seem like the best when they’re actually just regular. It’s how we cope. It’s not a bad way to cope with whatever bad shit you’re dealing with, but it’s not real. It puts an immense amount of pressure on the expectation and then falls short on the reality.

Wouldn’t it be crazy if the vast majority of people in your life just said what something actually was instead of gassing it up to be something it wasn’t? For example: “EPIC DAY AT THE PARK!” could just be “we had a good day at the park today, my kid had a meltdown, but what’s new?” And then everyone relates, they laugh, realize they’re not alone in their struggle and then they move on. Everything doesn’t have to be epic. Not everyone in your life is a hero. And that’s ok. I just feel like if we took the time to feel the feelings and then move on, there wouldn’t be this endless, unspoken competition of my life is better than yours. Couldn’t we all just collectively agree that life is good and not take it for granted?

When you put unrealistic titles on regular people, it just puts unnecessary pressure on them. Calling someone your hero might not be what they need to hear. Is it nice to hear? Of course! But what if that person doesn’t feel like a hero and now you’ve dropped this title on them and they have no idea what to do with it? You’re giving that person zero room for error and setting yourself up for possible disappointment. You’ve put them in a place where they can do no wrong so when they do, it’s crushing for you and for them. Allowing everything and everyone to be ordinary leaves a lot of room for something or someone extraordinary to come along and absolutely blow your mind.

I’m not trying to put a damper on your life and how you choose to live it. I promise. I’m just trying so hard to hang on to what’s real in this life. I feel like we are exposed to so many things just for “the show” and it’s making us feel like the life we are living isn’t enough. If it’s all you can handle right now, then it’s enough. I hope something in this post resonated with you. And if it didn’t, thanks for reading anyway…

kudos, my hero, leaving all the mess… you know my hero, the one that’s on… there goes my hero, watch him as he goes… there goes my hero, he’s ordinary…

Song name: MY HERO/ Artist: Foo Fighters/ Year: 2006

another round of bullets hits my skin, well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in… we are bursting through the barricades and reaching for the sun, we are warriors, yeah, that’s what we’ve become… I won’t let them break me down to dust, I know that there’s a place for us, for we are glorious…

It’s International Women’s Day. Thanks to social media, you already know that. Tomorrow will go back to being just another regular day. No one will be posting about how amazing we all are. And that’s okay. But I wanted to put this post here for you so that you can read it, whenever you need to. Do we deserve to be celebrated everyday? Yes. Here’s why.

Women spend their lives making sure that everyone around them is alright. Like, I don’t know if you understand that. Even the women who claim to be bad ass and not give a shit about anyone? Yes, even them. Secretly, but yes. It’s fucking built into our DNA, we can’t even help it. And it’s annoying and scary and awful sometimes, but it’s not something we can just turn off. Even when people piss us off or are total assholes, we still care and want them to be okay. We spend our time thinking about how to fix them or the situation so everything is wrapped up with a pretty fucking bow.

We take time and consideration when we are doing things. Even menial tasks. We make sure these things are done with love and will make people feel good. We are almost always let down by the reaction we get to those things because the amount of time and consideration that went into it is never seen or appreciated the way we physically need it to be. Even though we aren’t entirely sure what we physically need in that moment. And that may sound really complicated to you, but why don’t you try putting yourself into that woman’s shoes? So when she goes from really great to really awful in a matter of minutes, sometimes seconds? I’m telling you, it’s for that reason.

We consistently stroke the egos around us. Making sure we don’t seem smarter and make others feel small. We get micromanaged and told how to do things we already know how to do. There’s nothing more annoying, but still, we smile and nod like we are supposed to because that is what we were taught. It’s really silly when you think about it. But there is no limit to the lengths we will go to make sure the ones around us are okay, even when we are not.

I’m not saying that we should all placate women, because we don’t fucking want that either. Trust me. Most of us don’t want to feel like people are handing shit over to us without us doing the work. The majority of us work really hard, in the home, at work, and a lot of the time, both. Never question the strength of a woman. Even the really shitty ones have their battles. We can move mountains if people would just give us a fucking chance. And a lot of our frustration comes from people not thinking we can.

Do we make things more complicated than they need to be? Absofuckinglutely. I’m going to say this loud for the people in the back: WE. CAN’T. FUCKING. HELP. IT. What we have been through and what we are currently living in is constantly swirling around our gray matter. All day, everyday. And so all of those things get wrapped up in the day to day nonsense of it all. We don’t get rewarded for the hoops we jump through. And dude, it’s like we are jumping all fucking day. All the things I listed above, just hoop, after hoop, after hoop. Cut us some slack!

We get one day a year to celebrate every woman who came before us who paved the way to get us where we are now. And that can’t ever stop. People have underestimated women since the beginning of time. And we have consistently shown them that we are more than what they thought. Not all of us are going to end up in a history book, but damn, wouldn’t it be fucking awesome if you were friends with someone who will?

Happy International Women’s day to you. You are stronger than you think. Please always remember that. Never stop being who you are. And if you need to be reminded of that, I’m here for you.

when the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out, I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me… look out ’cause here I come, and I’m marching on to the beat I drum, I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me…

Song name: THIS IS ME/ Artist: Keala Settle (The Greatest Showman)/ Year: 2017

I am not the things my family did, I am not the voices in my head, I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside, I am light… I’m not the mistakes that I have made or any of the things that caused me pain, I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind, I am light…

This was going to be a post titled REVOLUTION. It was going to be a story about how a million years ago, in my very early 20’s, I went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I was going to tell you that New Orleans is the best place in the world to people watch. That there were so many beautifully crazy individuals around me at any given time and everything about them seemed so free. How I remember, very clearly, seeing a group of women walking around Bourbon Street, selling stickers that said “STOP BITCHING, START A REVOLUTION” and how I immediately bought one and placed it across the back of my denim jacket. That I didn’t even get to keep that sticker for more than a couple of hours, but having it on my back for however long (I’ll never really know), made a lasting impression on me. That since that night in New Orleans there have been multiple times in my life that I think to myself “STOP BITCHING, START A REVOLUTION”. I wanted to tell you that those words continuously resonate with me and that they should resonate with you as well. And then I told my BFF about this post and this mantra of power. And since my birthday is coming up, she wanted to see if she could find me a bumper sticker like the one I bought that night. So she went to the Google and texted me within minutes that the group of women selling those stickers were part of a sex cult that has since been disbanded. This is why we can’t have nice fucking things.

Back in 2004 I had a flip phone and the internet wasn’t the goddamn breeding ground for all the gross things that it is now. I’m pretty sure we were still paying $20 a month for AOL and I might have just created a Yahoo email address because people were like “AOL is so done”. So I didn’t get to preemptively check with my good friend Google to see that this group of women was actually part of a sex cult and I most definitely wouldn’t have bought the sticker in that moment. I would have scurried away and been like “immediately NO”. But here I am, a million years later, learning that this one saying that has actually shaped part of my adult life was preached by a group of malcontents who had no idea what the fuck they were doing with their lives. I mean, I get it.

But dammit, I am not going to let this bring me down. I’m going to laugh my ass off and figure out how to flip this into something amazing. I have a fire in me that really wants to blaze. Fire is light. I am light. And I am here to tell you that fear, anxiety and adult responsibilities have manged to douse that fire, that light, before it ever got that chance to blaze brightly. It was all just a pile of delusions of grandeur that I never had time to sort through because more shit just kept making it’s way to the top of the pile. It was disheartening and disappointing and I will not allow that fire to be extinguished before it has the chance to make an actual change.

I spend my life trying to do the right thing, always. I falter, all the damn time. And it’s not because of lack of awareness. It’s because different people want and expect different things. I am hyper aware of people’s feelings and vibes but just because I’m aware of those things doesn’t mean I know what that person needs from me. And so it’s difficult to figure out if you’re actually doing the right thing. The idea is to not do the wrong thing, but you really never know. What you perceive as right, the other might perceive as wrong. And this is the world we live in. We live and we learn, every single day.

I struggle a lot with feeling bad about things I really shouldn’t feel bad about. Feeling shame about things that I shouldn’t feel shameful about. I have found that there is someone who is always ready to knock you down a peg, especially when you’re feeling joy. I have found that at some of the proudest moments in my life there was someone who felt the need to rip the good feeling right out of my hands. Whether it was by outright embarrassing me or throwing their own spin on how it wasn’t a big deal and something even better was happening to them. People do this all the time. And it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. Everyone knows better than you.

I’m here to tell you that life doesn’t have to be that way. That I’ve done so much work on myself in the last year plus that I can confidently tell you if you don’t want that kind of negative shit in your life, you don’t have to deal with it. Don’t be a dick about it. There’s a nice way to bow out. I chose bowing out quietly and/or politely. I’m telling you this because you need to hear it. You don’t have to conform to the bullshit that is in front of you. I’m not doing it anymore. I talk shit out with my husband and besties and try my best NOT to create unnecessary drama because it’s fucking exhausting.

It took me a long time to realize that my internal revolution is not this giant thing that happens all at once. It has been all of these small steps that have helped me try my damnedest to rise above the bullshit and realize that I have been doing it this whole time. It dawned on me the other day that I have no desire to be included in shit where I don’t fit. It was this really weird awakening and I felt so incredibly light. Like a little bit of weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

You are only as good as the last thing you did. Ain’t that a bitch? You can give people the world and the one time you decide to be a little selfish, you’re a piece of shit. You’re done. What the fuck is that about? Here I am, doing all the stuff for everyone, giving them my time and energy, and I do ONE THING and I’m cancelled? Guess what? That’s fine. I don’t need that kind of nonsense in my life. I have given so much of my time and energy to so many people who I thought would be in my life forever and that was not the case. And THAT’S OK. People grow, people change, people get hurt and can’t move passed the issues, people continue to live their lives without you and all of it is a natural part of life. If they were meant to still be in your life they would be. And you just have to believe and accept that.

Every day I’m growing. It took me a long time to realize it but I’m really glad that I finally did. Most of the time I feel stuck in my own head but even that is changing. There is so much more important shit going on in the world right now that I have decided to stop preoccupying myself with shit that I can’t control and start concentrating on the things that I can. I’m not going to tell you that life is too short because that’s not something I’m familiar with. What I can tell you is that you matter and you are important. And if that means letting go of the shit that hurts you or doesn’t help you grow, then that’s what you need to do.

You are light. You are enough.

This post took a long time to write, but here it is. And if it resonates with you, then that’s enough for me…

I am a star, a piece of it all, I am light…

Song name: I AM LIGHT/ Artist: India.Arie / Year: 2013

Each day I’m countin’ up the minutes ’til I get alone, ’cause I can’t stay in the middle of it all, it’s nobody’s fault, but I’m so low, never knew how much I didn’t know… oh, everything is uncharted…

I was ready to post a powerful blog last week. I was ready to get back into writing and let you all know how strong I am. How I was working on taking my power back and that life was too short to listen to narcissistic people and let them ruin my inner peace. I was ready to tell you that I was finally coming out of this super depressed and anxious state that I’ve been in and was finally ready to peek out of my turtle shell and see what’s up.

That feeling came and went. And I can’t apologize for yet another Debbie Downer post because this is the place where I get to be transparent about my feelings. This is the place where it’s ok to not be ok. And I’m not fucking ok. And I’m so fucking mad about it I could scream.

Last week I was having major stomach issues. The issues were a direct response to my crippling fucking anxiety. I’m a seasoned veteran in which stomach pain is which and it was definitely anxiety. I worked from home late last week because I couldn’t risk getting on the train and not making it to work. TMI? I don’t care. I felt so sick and so lost that I actually got down on my knees and prayed. I asked God and the Universe for help. I felt like I was losing my mind and just needed some clarity and peace. I cried. I tried to get a handle on what was upsetting me. I spoke to my husband and talked things out with him. I spoke my truth and the anxiousness started to subside.

And then, for the first time in 3 days, it finally felt like I could breathe a little. My thoughts stopped running a mile a minute in my head. I felt hopeful for a split second and it felt nice. And as quickly as it came, it vanished. My mother called to tell me that she fell down the stairs and that she thought she broke her arm. I ran to her house, took her to urgent care and eventually the ER, where she stayed all night. She did a real number on herself. She’s having surgery this week to get everything put back where it should be with plates and screws. There’s a game plan in place and I love a good game plan. The quicker we get her fixed the better.

It’s just like, really?

She’s upset. I can’t possibly imagine what that must have been like for her. How terrifying it was to fall like that and feel your body actually break. And she keeps apologizing to me for disrupting my life because I’m taking on the bulk of the responsibility. Am I upset? Yes, very. Is now the time to worry about me? Absolutely fucking not. It doesn’t matter what is going on in my life right now. She’s my mom. That’s it.

I’m just so incredibly sad. I’m scared of a million things every single day and they’re usually just stupid things I formulate in my head for no apparent reason. To actually have a reason sends me right back into the turtle shell. This scared the hell out of me and I know that she is the one who is in pain and recovery but I don’t know how long it will take me to mentally recover from this. First my grandmother, then my mom. The two pillars of who I am just fucking broken… It’s all fixable, but still.

I cried while I was driving home today. This song, Uncharted, shuffled and tears just started falling down my face. When I started writing here it was about trying to navigate through this crazy life as gracefully as possible. To write it out and move on. That this life is uncharted and we’re all just figuring it out as best we can. To make a safe place for people to come to when they weren’t feeling their best. And I just feel like I’m failing miserably at all of it.

The thing that made me saddest is thinking that maybe peace is just not meant for me in this lifetime. Maybe if I stop fighting it, stop trying to take my power back, stop trying to live this life for me, then maybe I will eventually find whatever peace I think I’m looking for? That life throws unexpected things at us at the most inopportune times to test our strength and maybe I’m just the strongest fucking person I know? That life is chaos that can’t be controlled and the sooner I get that into my thick fucking skull it will all get easier? Maybe.

I’m writing this through tears because that sounds so sad and defeatist, but guys, I don’t have much left. I’m too tired to fight. And I’m not going anywhere, I just feel like maybe I should just do whatever everyone else needs me to do and stop trying so hard to live a life that’s about me. Like, at this point, it seems very clear to me that I was put on this earth to take care of everyone else.

Today isn’t a bad day. I’m just having a cry baby moment and I’m allowing it because apparently I need it. I’m not going to suppress it. That only makes things worse. I feel very alone but I keep reminding myself that I am not. I just need to do a little mental regrouping and quit kicking and screaming at the life that is so obviously meant for me. Today isn’t a bad day but tomorrow will be better…

I know I’m getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like I’m going down, follow if you want, I won’t just hang around, like you’ll show me where to go,
I’m already out of foolproof ideas, so don’t ask me how to get started, it’s all uncharted…

Song name: UNCHARTED/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2010

this hurts like hell but it feels right, far’s I can tell you’ve made your mind…
I’ll wish you well but won’t be on the other side biding my time, live your life… you’ve got your plans, I’ve got mine… who understands how stars align? if one’s shooting past then I’ll consider it a sign that you’re still alive… live your life…

It’s almost 2 months since the last time I sat down at my desk to write something. There have been a few times where I felt like I really wanted to put something out into the world, but then I got home, felt unmotivated and uninspired and decided not to do it. That’s so dumb because I have said, time and time again, that writing helps me get all the “stuff” out but I just haven’t been able to do it. I’m working through a lot of shit and I can admit that I let it get me. I let my dreams collect dust in the corner of my bedroom, not even wanting to look at them and see how they’re doing. Because honestly, I didn’t care. And even more honestly, I don’t really care right now. I know that sounds ridiculous, I’m just not there yet.

Turning 40 was unexpectedly huge for me. Not in a bad way. I don’t think that anything that I’m feeling is necessarily bad. I’m growing in a way that I’m not used to and so each day I’m just trying to roll with it. Parts of me are not the same and I have to remind myself, every day, that this is fine. That this very delayed growth spurt is exactly what I needed. I have shoved shit down and ignored it for too long and I’m just trying to deal with and rid myself of very hurtful things that have brought me to this point. Childhood trauma, being gas lit my entire life, dysfunctional families on both sides, trying to become a human being that I can be proud of… it’s all too much, but I’m getting through it. I’m trying really hard to break the cycle and it’s scary as hell.

I feel like the world outside of my bubble is a place that I am not ok with. I don’t like what I’m seeing and it’s making me really fucking depressed. We are a world divided and I don’t know why. I don’t care to argue with you about your politics, thoughts on abortion or vaccination status. And I sure as shit don’t go to Instagram to see it. I am a 40 year old woman living in a country that seems like it’s going through the same shit as I am. Having no clue what it’s identity is, what it’s supposed to be or how to deal with people who continually try to stop you from becoming who you want to be. I’m sick of people using social media to make you uncomfortable. I just wanna see pictures of your adorable kids, pets, family vacations, holidays, etc. I stopped using any form of social media (except Twitter, because it’s fucking fun there!) to discuss my political stance back in November when the whole fucking world lost it’s damn mind. I go to social media for the serotonin, not your bullshit.

I’m figuring out what makes me tick and it’s so frustrating. Things that I used to be fine with are no longer fine. I’m trying to speak up in a world where I don’t feel heard. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of trying to change people’s minds. I just try to do the right thing and I go to sleep at night (after the anxiety driven insomnia subsides) knowing that I was a good person today. I have grown so much in the last 2 decades of my life. And yea, I have my moments, but the way that I think and feel is different. I’m still a bleeding heart but I see things differently and that’s a really big deal for me.

When my stepfather passed away 20 years ago (there will be a post about him soon, I just can’t bring myself to do it yet) I went on a bender of just straight up alcoholic behavior. I didn’t want to feel anything. And it went on for years. I felt like the world owed me something for taking away the best person in my life at the time. Fuck, I can’t even get through this now without hot tears in my eyes. I abused my body, I made horrible decisions, I was a complete disaster. I calmed down somewhere around 25, but I was still a mess. 30, same thing. Scared to death of turning 30. I wasn’t married, didn’t have kids, didn’t do any of the things that society said I should have been doing. 35, I went to Disney and celebrated my ass off. And 40, well this was the year that I decided I want to live the right way.

I can’t do the fake shit anymore. I can’t keep looking for acceptance where I don’t belong. I can’t keep arguing with people and getting upset when we don’t agree. I can’t keep letting people walk all over me. I can’t keep doing the work to keep relationships alive when maybe this is just the way it has to be right now. I can’t keep trying to show you that I’m a good person if you don’t give a shit. I am done being the girl that searches for acceptance. I am accepted in all the right places in my life. Unlearning all of this has been rocky, but each day I’m getting better. And I know there’s a light at the end of this very dark place that I’ve been walking through.

So I will be writing more if you’re still interested. I will keep pushing through these very late growing pains. Taking responsibility for your life and how you live it is eye opening and really uncomfortable. Take your bad days one at a time. You’re allowed to have a bad day. You’re allowed to feel like some days aren’t a gift.

SIDE NOTE: It’s so funny because there are a few sides of social media, the place that consumes most of our day to day lives, it’s fine, we all do it. You have the very heavily charged political & post COVID-19 world, the regular people just posting their serotonin infused things, and the people who post their toxic positivity all over the place telling you that there are literally no bad days. Fuck all of that shit.

I am here to tell you that you are allowed to have bad days. Days when everything feels like it’s going wrong. YOU. ARE. ALLOWED. I have to tell myself that everyday and it helps. What’s important is that you allow yourself to have the bad moment, or even the entire day, and then say tomorrow will be better. It won’t always be like this. Look at how far you’ve come. And I’m not pushing toxic positive vibes your way, I’m telling you this because it’s fucking true.

Like a caterpillar, I will come out of this cocoon, eventually, as a fabulous butterfly. It’s taking me a little longer but rushing the process isn’t going to do anything productive… I think.

you’ll live and learn and then come up the other side a bit more wise… live your life…

Song name: LIVE YOUR LIFE/ Artist: Nick Cordero / Year: 2018

I wish I were pretty, I wish I were brave, if I owned this city then I’d make it behave… and if I were fearless then I’d speak my truth, and the world would hear this that’s what I wish I’d do, yeah… if my hands could open you’d see I’d take all these secrets in me, and I’d move and mold them to be something I’d set free… I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up, I want to change my mind, I want to be enough, I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time, I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground…

I wish that I could say that the time in my head has passed, but I’m still here, feeling all this bullshit. Feeling like my brain is just whirling around freely in my skull with no signs of stopping any time soon. That frustrates me because I don’t want to be this way. It’s just a constant fight with myself to be what everyone else needs me to be. And although I’ve built up some lovely boundaries, those boundaries don’t change the fact that shit still bothers me.

I have been seriously pissed off about all of the shit going on in this world right now. I know I’m not the only one and that’s reassuring. And I don’t want to talk about it too much here because literally everyone is talking about it. On every damn platform. I wish so badly there could be one place where we talk about politics, one place where we talk about vaccination and anti-vaccination and then a place where we can post beautiful pics of our families, friends, animals, vacations, all that shit. But it’s on all platforms and they all make me feel all the feelings. It’s exhausting.

I would love to say that I’ll just take a break from social media but I’m so damn addicted to it that I would have to taper off. That sounded absolutely ridiculous, but I know I’m not alone in this. It’s impossible to stop, or even try to, because I like seeing the good shit that social media has to offer. So it’s just this ridiculous battle with myself, hence all the issues…

I have a good life. And I have the ability to quit being such a shit head and cut the crazy down to a minimum. Today is just one of those days. I like the idea of instant gratification and that literally never happens. And the process to get to the end point never looks like what I imagined. So for someone like me, who is so fucking extra about anything difficult, it’s even worse. I beat myself up, I shut down, and every other self destructive thing you can do, I guess.

Unlearning behaviors and letting go of the shitty things you lived through is really fucking hard. I’m trying my hardest but some days I just can’t get there and I unravel. And you wouldn’t know it because I’m not a fucking sociopath, but inside it’s straight turmoil. And I need to work out all those feelings so that I stop it. So that unraveling is not my go-to reaction, internally or externally. And I’m getting there but there is still so much to do. I guess I get excited when I finally see a breakthrough and then when I revert back I just can’t handle it. The light is there, I can see it. And I know I can’t rush there, but dammit, I really, really want to.

I need to align myself with the person that I want to be. I can’t do that if I keep pushing myself back. I have been doing a lot of reading and listening about letting your ego go. I have all of these tools to help me and the ego steps in and says nope, you’re not doing that. How long can I self sabotage my own well being before I finally get it? That I have the ability to overpower the ego, and yet, I don’t? It can’t possibly be that I am choosing to live my life this way, but there is literally no one else to blame. Everyone in my corner wants to see me be who I want to be, so why don’t I?

I can do better and I will. I know that I need to stop listening when I hear the ego trying to step in. I need to stop standing in my own way. And I can keep telling myself that until I’m blue in the face, but until I actually do it, nothing is going to change. So, it’s a Monday and I’m gonna start right now. No more listening to the inner voice that tells me that I’m not smart enough, not good enough, not strong enough, etc. It’s all crap. And I need to be diligent in reminding myself that I am all of those things. I need to stop being complacent and careless when it comes to my growth. You shouldn’t have to stay stuck in a mental place you don’t even like. Especially when you’re doing it to yourself.

I have said all of this before, so I know not to put too much pressure on myself. The world is crazy enough for all of us. I know I am a good human so I just need to build off of that. We have the ability to start each day a little better than the day before. After the day I had, living in absolute panic for the entire day, I can do better. Most importantly, I want to do better. And that’s like, a big part of the battle, right?

and I always felt it before, that the world was filled with much more than the drowning soul I’ve learned to be, I just need the rain to remind me… I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up, I want to change my mind, I want to be enough, I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time, I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground…

Song name: LET THE RAIN/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2010