tell myself on the ride home, getting tired, hating all I’ve known, holding on, like it’s all I have, count me out, when it’s clear that I find it hard to say and you find it hard to care… I wanted to see something that’s different, something you said would change in me, wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me…
I felt the need to write today. Today wasn’t a good day. I’m hormonal and I’m a fucking mess. The last couple of weeks have been a wild ride in my brain and I don’t know if its progression or regression but it is causing a lot of aggression and I feel like I want to scream. I’m not going to scream, but I feel like I am screaming internally. For what, I don’t know.
I have no patience. And I’m sure that I have made some progress with all of the work that I’ve been doing. But I don’t see any of the results of my work. If anything, it feels like I am this giant open wound, oozing shit all over every aspect of my life. I feel like it was better when I was completely closed up and internalizing everything. And I know that is what inevitably got me to this point, but now I just feel completely exposed. I’m this weepy fucking mess that just cries over the stupidest things and it’s fucking ridiculous.
I’m trying to do all the right things and still feel like I’m doing everything wrong. The rest of the world seems to be doing whatever the hell they want and I’m over here, every single day, beating myself up over every little thing. Will I forever be my own worst enemy? I honestly can’t answer that question. I’m trying so hard to advocate for myself, but clearly I’m not doing a very good job.
So I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to sit here and write out all of the things that I actually like about myself. There aren’t that many, but I think that they’ll get the job done.
- I love ferociously. If I tell you that I love you, I promise that I mean it.
- I feel all the feelings. Like, I actually feel them. If you’re sad, I feel it. And I will do my best to let you know that I’m here to sit with you in your sadness or leave you alone until you’re ready to not be sad anymore. Whatever you decide.
- I think that I’m pretty funny… it makes me want to vomit even saying that, but this is a list of things I like and I know that I have the ability to make people laugh and that makes me happy.
- I give good advice because of item # 2 on this list. My goal, as whoever I am to you in your life, is to make sure that you know that you’re a kick ass human being. So if you’re doing great and just need validation, I’m your girl. If you feel like shit, I’m going to tell you all the ways you need to get yourself out of feeling that way because you’re a kick ass human being.
That’s all I can come up with, and that will have to be enough for now. I know that I am “a lot”. I know that about myself and feel like I always need to defend it. I have consistently told myself to be “less” but I can’t do it. This is who I am and I’m just trying to get comfortable with it. The world is vast and if I am too much for you, you can go find less and that’s okay.
I know there is still so much to be done and I promise I’m still working on it. I haven’t fully given up on myself, I’m just tired. And on days like today, where I have raging hormones and lack of sleep creating a tornado in my brain, it’s just so exhausting. But I know that tomorrow is going to be better. I didn’t enjoy the way all of this felt today. I allowed it, but won’t allow it to continue into another day.
I want to share a quote with you from Akif Kichloo that really spoke to me and made me feel seen in all my self inflicted drama today:
“I am one part courage and three parts fear. Three parts love and one part bitter. Half risen from rock bottom and half still in free fall. You can either love me whole or not love me at all.”
I’ve been through a lot, but I’ve gotten back up every time. Sometimes it took me longer than I would have liked, but I got up. And I have hope that whatever the fuck all of this is (insert maniacal hand gestures), will eventually turn into a result that I can see. That I’ll eventually see that all this emotional turmoil wasn’t for nothing. Right now it still feels like I am very much in the eye of the storm, but on the good days, I do feel peace, and that gives me a little more hope than I had the day before.
I know it’s always a lot and all over the place, but I appreciate you sticking with it if you made it this far. I am always here if you need me…
I’m taking a chance, this could be different, this could be all I’m waiting for…
Song name: DIFFERENT/ Artist: Acceptance/ Year: 2005
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 