SOME KIND OF DISASTER

I’m a liar, I’m a cynic, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I’m a loser, I’m a critic, I’m the ghost of my mistakes, and it’s all my fault that I’m still the one you want, what are you after? some kind of disaster? I crashed down from a high it felt so real, I never knew how much it would hurt to feel, you gotta hurt sometimes to learn to heal, you gotta get back up and learn to deal…

Last week was rough. Trying to figure out my emotions, every single day, is beyond exhausting. Trying to regulate while also trying not to get too overwhelmed is a job in and of itself. So when everything is going fine on the hamster wheel, no hiccups tripping me up, it’s already a tough job trying to stay even keeled. Add in a hiccup and everything I built just crumbles.

I don’t actually know what I’m building anymore. I feel like as soon as I start laying some ground work, someone comes in, who says they’re on my side and has my back, and just starts kicking shit around. Everyone has their issues, I get it. Fuck, I’m the most understanding person when it comes to hurt people hurting people. I’m just so goddamn tired of whatever it is inside of me allowing people to fuck with my progress.

I’m such a bleeding heart that I feel bad for the people who are hurting me. Is that the most insane thing you’ve ever heard?! It sounds insane to me. But I know that they’re hurting and that makes me sad. I’m such an empath that I just let people take whatever I have left even if it’s only crumbs at this point. And even in my darkest hour, I’ll still find a way to help someone who needs it more than me. And I’m glad, at the very least, that I haven’t lost that.

I just try so hard to stay on the up and up and it’s so much work for me. Negativity is just so much easier to embrace and accept. And it’s like the second I get myself to a decent amount of positive, someone comes along and wrecks it. Because being positive isn’t my natural state of being, so the negative comes in and I allow it take over. Negative makes sense to me. I don’t know how to sustain positive.

It’s so frustrating living inside a brain that has so many different things firing on all the cylinders all the time. I am always trying to do the right thing and I lose sight of what the right thing is for me. I back myself into corners and have no one to blame but myself. Because the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I feel like I’m just paving this beautiful road to no end.

If I’m being totally honest here, the only people who go directly for my jugular and never miss are the people in my family. And that’s because there is a world of hurt that has maintained a secure spot in my heart and so every time someone says something, whether it was intended to hurt or not, all of that existing hurt just pours out of me. And that makes me feel weak and very much like a failure and I hate that about myself. The good news is that I’ve been working on it and it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. That doesn’t make me hate that feeling any less though.

When I got into the fight that prompted this post, I was caught completely off guard. I thought it was going to be a normal, shoot the shit kind of conversation. And it went completely off the fucking rails, very quickly. The person I was talking to knew what to say to hurt me. And as he was going off on his tangent, I sat on the other side of the phone line with a lump the size of a boulder in my throat with burning hot tears pouring out of my eyes, unable to speak. When he finally gave me the chance to speak up for myself, I told him that he and other family members who have told me that they just want me to be happy are fucking liars. And that I will never be happy in my life because they don’t want me to be. They want me to be miserable like them. I told him, literally every day that I’m alive, you guys ruin my fucking life.

Is that what I should have said? Does that sound like something that a nice person who cares for people would say? NO. But in the heat of the moment I said what I truly felt for the first time, probably, ever. His words were hurting me, so I just let it all out. I didn’t hold back to spare his feelings. In that moment, what was the point? The thing about words is that once you say them you can’t take them back. Luckily, I was speaking to a person who was raised by the same family so there’s no harm, no foul. But I don’t ever want to say things like that again. I was proud of myself for being honest, but also felt an insane amount of gnawing shame.

So I’m sharing this because maybe you needed to hear it. Maybe you needed to see that when people push your boundaries and you lose your fucking mind that it’s okay. Maybe you needed to see that you’re not the only one who hates the way shit plays out sometimes. Maybe you’re tired of dealing with the same shit over and over again. There’s a million maybe’s. But the point is that you need to know it’s okay. If you are doing the work and you’re trying to do better, keep going. Don’t ever give up. You deserve a good life, even when the little voice in your head tries to tell you that you don’t. Even when hurt people try to hurt you.

This post took me a long time to write. When I said last week, it was actually 2 weeks ago. But something told me to finish it and so I did. Too many of us are hurting right now, so let’s all try to be adults and let it out in healthy ways. Try to be kind even when it hurts. And don’t be so hard on yourself if you can’t do that right now.

Thanks for reading…

well I’ve sung this song a thousand times, I wore the crown, I sold the lie, I lived the life and paid for every crime, it’s all downhill, still it’s a climb, through blood and tears but I don’t mind, I’ll just keep singing on and on and on…

Song name: SOME KIND OF DISASTER/ Artist: All Time Low / Year: 2020