Tag: Spiritual Healing

THROUGH MY PRAYERS

hard to believe I won’t see you again, we were just fighting when winter began, the coldness of our words competing with the wind from the north, still they make me shiver but in a very different way, the pages of the calendar kept turning away, I have some better words now, but it’s too late to say them to you… my dream of all dreams and my hope of all hopes is only to tell you and make sure you know how much I love you and how much I always did… and yes I know you loved me I could see it in your eyes, and it was in your struggle and it was in your mind, and it was in the smile you gave me when I was a kid… feels like no one understands, and now my only chance to talk to you is through my prayers, I only wanted to tell ya I care…

This is the last you’ll see from me regarding my dad. His passing was unexpected and I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

I feel like I keep getting the wind knocked out of me. This time it’s taking me a little longer to catch my breath. The past 7 days felt like 3 months. The days are extremely long. There’s something really unnerving about knowing there are no more chances for us to make things right. As broken as we were, and as many times as I said that I was done, the little girl inside me wished that he would reach out. That things would be different. That we could have healed a little and made it work. But that’s done now. I’m sad and I’m angry. Most of all, my heart is broken for him.

This song shuffled the day after he died. I was walking to my office when it made its way into my earbuds and I was stopped in my tracks. I found myself involuntarily sobbing in the middle of 7th Avenue. The lyrics are perfect and say everything that I am not able to.

Thanks for reading…

every night after and every day since, I find myself crying when the memory hits, sometimes it knocks me down, sometimes I can just put it away… down in my mind where I don’t care to go, the pain of a lesson is letting me know if you have love in your heart let it show while you can… yes now I understand, but now my only chance to talk to you is through my prayers, I only wanted to tell ya I care…

Song name: THROUGH MY PRAYERS/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2012

ORPHEUS (Part III)

don’t stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos, though I know it’s blinding there’s a way out, say out loud we will not give up on love now, no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus, just stay here, hold me in the dark and when the day appears we’ll say we did not give up on love today…

I’m starting off in a different direction than I usually do. I want to talk about Orpheus, and what this song refers to when Sara says “no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus”. I read ORPHEUS (Part II) and was disappointed to see that the post I wrote a year and a half ago is still my current situation. So, we are going to pivot today and see if I can talk myself into some clarity. Because I woke up feeling completely out of sorts and sad this morning, and it seems that there is nothing that will get me out of it at the moment, maybe this will help?

The story of Orpheus (my very abridged version)… In Greek mythology, it was said that he could charm anyone or anything with his music. He fell in love with Eurydice, they were married happily for a short time. The story changes a little bit, depending on what source your reading from. Regardless, all stories say she was bitten by a snake and died. Orpheus sang his grief so that everyone and everything knew about his sorrow. Eventually he decides to descend to the underworld to see Eurydice. His music moved Hades and his wife Persephone so much that Hades agreed to let Eurydice go back with Orpheus under one condition: He must walk in front of her out of the underworld and not look back until they returned to the living world. He agreed, because he thought himself to be a patient man. As they walked back, he couldn’t hear her footsteps and was afraid that he was fooled. When they were just a few feet from the exit, Orpheus lost his faith, turned around, and sent Eurydice back into the underworld forever. He tried to return to the underworld, but the story goes that you can only enter once while living. The story varies on how he died, but he sang songs of grief wishing for his own death and eventually was killed to be reunited with his wife. His lyre was cast into the sky as a constellation, and his head was saved by the Muses so that he could sing forever and enchant everyone with his music.

Why am I talking about this? It’s important that I talk about this. It’s a story about patience and trust. Both of which, I do not have. Since I wrote the above post last year, nothing has changed. Yea, okay, a few things changed, but nothing so important that I’ve seen a difference. I have no patience on this journey and I, most certainly, have no trust. I have not been able to surrender and have chosen to stay in a place of fear. Fear is familiar to me. Somehow it is safe. And when I read the story of Orpheus, I get it. I would have 100% turned around to make sure she was behind me.

I have days where I say I trust the process and I can see myself making it out of this mess. But do I really trust the process? Apparently not. And I know why I can’t. I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to affect the people around me. I don’t want my decisions or needs to hurt anyone. I’m here because I completely abandoned myself and that needed to change. But on days like today, the spiral of thoughts is absolutely unbearable. I keep seeing flashes of the life I imagine and it just feels so far away. I don’t know what I need. I want someone to tell me everything will be okay and I want to believe them when they say it. But I don’t. I don’t trust any process. For some reason, I choose to spiral.

I am so fucking lost and I really don’t want to be. But it’s like every time I see a twinkle of hope, I don’t believe it. I’m afraid that it will get taken away from me. My whole life I have waited for the other shoe to drop. When something good happens, I can’t embrace it because I’m so afraid that something bad will follow. And so I don’t allow myself to believe that I can even make one of my dreams come true because something devastating will ultimately follow. And that is no way to live, but it’s literally the only way I’ve ever known. And unlearning that has been my biggest feat.

I am still so scared to deviate from the normal loop of things. And I become impatient when I make a few small changes and get diverted to something else, making the process more complicated, and I lose faith immediately. I don’t want to do any more fucking work. I am tired. I just want one fucking thing to be easy. But why would it be? I don’t trust in it. I haven’t proven that if I’m finally given the thing that I would even be able to accept or appreciate it. Because I’m always waiting for the bad thing to follow. And so maybe today I’ll try to fix that. Maybe today will be the day that I shift my mindset. I got the shit humbled out of me reading my previous Orpheus post. So much time has passed and yet, here I am, telling the same fucking story over and over again.

I have finally stopped crying, so I will take that as a win. I’m going to try and turn the day around despite wasting half of it in this state of mind. I hold all of the answers to my healing, and yet I still allow outside sources to affect the path of my life. I have spent so much time being this way that changing it seems impossible. I know it’s possible. I don’t want to give up. I just can’t seem to settle down when I have these moments. But I have to believe that there is more for me than this mental prison that I am choosing. This can’t be the end goal for me, so I need to really start believing. Really start trusting, not just saying that I trust.

That’s all I can muster up for today. Tomorrow will be better. Thanks, as always, for reading…

we did not give up on love today…

Song name: ORPHEUS/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2019

HALLELUJAH…

faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya, she tied you to the kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah…

The last few days I’ve been processing a lot of stuff, and so I’m just here today to write it out. I don’t even really know how to explain all of this, but I’m going to do my best. The last post wasn’t a great one, and I will admit that things have been lighter since then. Nothing crazy, but lighter, and I’m grateful for that.

This song has been haunting me since two nights ago. I was at a dance thing and when I heard it, I was locked in. I got chills up my spine and immediately asked the teacher who used it who was singing it. When he said Shawn Mendes I was surprised as hell. I’m in my 40’s, I don’t listen to him. I have a few songs on my phone from years ago when the kids in my dance classes loved him and I promised I would play them during warm up. So to hear this incredibly haunting version of this song from someone who I literally judged as having zero depth, I was humbled to say the least.

That night, I was driving home, it was late, and I played this song on repeat. The moon was shining so brightly and it just felt like a whole experience that I didn’t expect. As I drove around looking for parking, which is a nightmare after 8 PM in my neighborhood, let alone when there’s construction on the surrounding blocks and it’s 11:30 PM, I just tried to really take in the quiet time alone.

Two days ago, I had a good day. I got some good news about something that has weighed heavily on me for the last year and a half. And because I got the information second-hand, I was still a little apprehensive about fully releasing it because I didn’t want to get disappointed when I actually saw the paperwork. It has caused me a lot of anxiety, and I really hoped that it was true and that I can finally move on with this and maybe get one extra hour of sleep with it off of my plate. I received the paperwork and still don’t fully understand it, but I never really did. It’s for my grandmother, and that’s really why it causes me as much anxiety as it does However, the paperwork didn’t look bad at all and so I’m taking that as a small win for now.

This little paperwork story ties in to something much bigger, so please bear with me. For the last two years my biggest issue has been releasing the need to control the outcome of things that I can’t control. My nervous system is completely shot. Years of people pleasing and taking on things that shouldn’t have been my responsibility have left me in a very vulnerable state. My anxiety has gotten progressively worse. With each tiny thing, it barrels through me like a freight train that I can’t stop. It has made me sick to my stomach with worry, I can’t eat, I haven’t slept soundly in years, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I would classify myself as “beyond empathetic”. I have managed to absorb the feelings and energy of everyone around me to the point where I no longer exist. And that’s why I’m here on this journey, and I see that very clearly now. I managed to tie my own identity to the needs and wants of others, so much so that I completely abandoned myself. But something is finally shifting…

I knew the full moon on June 11th was going to be important for me. I read and listen to a lot of spiritual stuff everyday, almost to the point of over consumption, but it would soothe my anxiety, even if just for a few minutes. Anyway, last week really messed me up. I really felt like life was taking me in a direction that I didn’t want to go in. And if I didn’t at least try to steer the ship, I was afraid I would never come out of this. My thoughts were at an all time low. In 6 days I maybe slept 24 hours. I was losing my fucking mind. So when I saw that this full moon was coming and it was a perfect time to reset, I finally told my anxious thoughts to shut the fuck up because I really needed this.

My time in the car, with this song playing, tears in my eyes, with the beautiful moon shining above me, something finally clicked. When I finally got home, I immediately wrote down everything I wanted to release, I went outside at midnight and burned it all. And I promised myself that I would do better. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I can openly admit that I wasn’t doing a damn thing to help myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, I’m fucking exhausted, but I will at least start giving a shit about myself. It’s the least I could do.

Up until this point, nothing had changed. I didn’t feel like I was growing at all. That for the last two years, everything had been exactly the same. I was still triggered, still spiraling, still not caring about myself, still doing everything to cater to everyone else’s happiness, so yea, not a thing changed. And then an opportunity presented itself… Someone told me that she told someone else about how badly I was doing. She said it so nonchalant like it wouldn’t bother me. Let me break this down for you. My typical reaction to this would have been rage. Not only did you disrespect me by telling my story to someone who absolutely 1000% had no right to know, but you probably told your version of it which is incorrect. BUT, I realized very quickly that I never set a boundary on it. And so that was partially my fault. It wasn’t okay what she did. And instead of screaming and crying about it, I said to her nicely “I understand you think you were helping me, but I didn’t ask you for help. I would appreciate it if you could please never do that again.” And now the boundary was set. She called me back later and brought it up again. And again, I stifled the urge to scream, she insisted she was trying to help. And I told her “please understand that the only reason why I am not screaming at you right now is because I know it came from a place of love and concern. But I am asking you one more time to please never do that again.” And she gave me some insincere “SORRRYYY” and we hung up.

I got off the phone and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was raging mad, seeing red. I wanted to scream but didn’t want to scare my dog. And then I walked to the kitchen to get myself something to drink, and was hit with a moment of clarity. Amidst the rage, I thought about who I was dealing with. Someone I love who is also a child of trauma. And I thought for a few minutes about that. I am raging mad at someone who will never see my point of view because she physically can’t. She does not know any better. And I took a deep breath and I let it go. I forgave her for what she did, without a genuine apology, because I know better and she doesn’t. I set the boundary going forward, and that’s all I could do.

Last night I slept for six solid hours. That’s the longest consecutive amount of hours in one night in I don’t know how long. It was needed and I plan on trying it again tonight. I was triggered A LOT today. But in the midst of all the triggers, I also had a tiny bit of ammo to combat it. The last few days, with all the full moon talk, I kept telling myself that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. That I am strong and I can handle anything. And although it seems that nothing has changed, I have changed a lot. And I kept reminding myself of that. Most importantly, if I am going to surrender, I need to trust. That little grandma paperwork win the other day, the one that I couldn’t fully trust, that still had a death grip on me until the paperwork was physically in my hands. When it was finally dropped off at my house, I felt a bit of relief. I told myself to let it go, I will take care of the last bits of it tomorrow, have grandma sign it on Saturday and put it in the mail on Monday. I went to get coffee with my coworkers, and not two minutes after the order was placed, I got a strange text message. It had my grandmother’s home address and a case number. My heart dropped into my butt and I could feel the blood drain out of my face. I was with coworkers so I had to be cool but I internally spiraled so fast. I got back to the office and I was in a full panic attack.

After 10 minutes, I finally convinced myself that it couldn’t have been a scam text, not with such specific information, and told myself to bite the bullet and just call the number. I called. It wasn’t about my grandmother. It was about someone else in our family. I relayed the message to them and stepped out onto the balcony to breathe. I looked up to the sky and apologized for not trusting that only good will come out of this situation. I have heard so many times on this journey that when you’re on the verge of a breakthrough, when your ego knows that you’re finally taking control, you are hit with test after test after test to try to break you down. And normally this would have broken me. I don’t even know if I would have called the number. I would have just panicked and not slept for God knows how many nights over it. But I promised myself I would do better. I owe it to myself to do better. To fight for my life because it’s worth it.

I know this was an extremely long winded post, but the culmination of everything in the last few days actually has me seeing clearly for the first time in two years. My focus has shifted in a way that I never expected. I am not going to get overly excited about it. I have goals that I want to accomplish in the next few months and I will put my focus there. I have the tiniest spark of hope again and I’m not going to let it go. The last few days have shown me that my thoughts do not determine my next steps. And I know that I’ve probably said some version of those words hundreds of times in these posts, but I actually see it now. Everything that I want for my life going forward is within me and I will heal from all of this. I will accomplish what I want to accomplish because I see now that I am important. That I can set boundaries and my whole world doesn’t fall apart. And that no one is coming to save me, only I can do that.

As always, thank you for reading. I hope for more little victories going forward, but will not break apart if not everything is considered a win. This is life and there needs to be balance. And I see that it’s possible now, and I’m going to run with it. And if you haven’t heard this version of Hallelujah yet, my advice is to find a quiet place and listen to it…

well, maybe there’s a God above, that’s for me all I’ve ever learnt from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya, but it’s not a crime that you’re here tonight, it’s not some pilgrim who claims to have seen the light, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah… hallelujah, hallelujah…

Song name: HALLELUJAH/ Artist: Shawn Mendes/ Year: 2024

Quei ricordi là…

ci sono momenti che non puoi scordare, come le chitarre prima di un concerto, tutte quelle notti perse a litigare e poi tutte le mattine nello stesso letto, e se c’è qualcosa da dimenticare, nonostante tutto, me lo tengo stretto, sì, ne vale la pena, Che pena, però… Io ti prometto che sarà bellissimo…

Hello, it’s been a while. There are countless, unfinished posts in the drafts folder of this site. It’s been a minute since I’ve sat down to write. Everything I wrote felt wrong. My mind was my worst enemy. I kept getting stuck in the same loop of bullshit and everything just felt wrong. I’m writing today because it felt like I should.

At the beginning of all of this, I was a mess. I’ve explained it here before, but I’ll say it again. Almost 2 years ago, it was like a “total destruction” button was pushed without my knowledge and I was left completely lost in a pile of rubble. Handling it with grace and composure was not an option. I did my best in front of people, but when I was alone, it was dark. I cried every day, multiple times a day, most of the time without reason. Not just little tears, big sobs that came from my guts. Looking back on it now, I am happy that I’m still here to talk about it. There were times where there was no light and I don’t know how I made it through, but I’m glad I did.

I am still working through a lot of things. I’m not quite put back together yet, stuck in this very in-between place of old me and new me, but I’m taking little steps when I can to try and figure out what parts of me need fixing. I’m still very confused and tired, but I don’t sob every day anymore, and so little victories and all that happy horseshit (shrugs).

I started writing this from my hotel room in Sicily. This visit was different. I remember writing my post about Sicily last year, I didn’t reread it, because I remember feeling heartbroken while writing it. But I’m writing now to say that it was wonderful in every way. The first night was difficult and I was afraid I was going to repeat the patterns of fear and anxiety from last year. I realized quickly that I’ve grown since then and I’m proud of myself.

I frantically checked the weather before I left home. Every day had rain and wind and storms. And I was so disappointed. Because there’s no way to plan a trip in advance and predict the weather. I was so afraid I would be stuck in an anxiety spiral in my room the whole time. I am happy to report that it was not the case! It had rained, but there was also so much sunshine. And as soon as I would hear the rain stop, I went outside.

The trip had been brewing, probably since I left last year. And it was really difficult for me to ask for another bit of time away by myself. Last year I went to Sicily to try to find out information that I could not seem to find. When I spoke with a genealogist and they told me that it would cost 1000 euro to inquire, I thought to myself, I could just go and see what I could do myself. Of course it felt like an epic fail. But a lot of things have transpired in the last year and a bunch of pieces that I was searching for managed to make their way to me.

It was so strange. My great-grandmother who has been the guiding force on my journey, was such a tough nut for me to crack last year. And I think it’s because I was trying too hard. Every where I looked, her birthday was the missing piece. I kept hitting road blocks. Finally, I asked a cousin if she had any information from her mother, I really hate to bother people, but she found a copy of the death certificate which had the date of birth on it. Now here’s where shit gets weird…

Little something worth mentioning. For the last year and half I have had the Linguaglossa town page bookmarked on my Google homepage. I check it at least once a month, I don’t know why but I do. Anyway, I know this damn site inside and out at this point. Not long after I got her date of birth, it was monthly website check in time. I was clicking around when a search box popped up on my screen asking me if I was looking for someone. That was strange, it never happened before… So I put in her name and date of birth, stated that I would love baptismal records or something to prove her existence in that town. And I sent it and laughed. I never expected to hear from them again OR figured I would receive mail asking me to pay a lot of money for it. I’ve been here before, thank you. By the time I got to work the next morning, there was an email back with a copy of her birth certificate, the address of the home she was born in and some information about her father and sister. The woman said that if I wanted more information that she could dig further and it was 25 euro per hour (that’s dirt cheap, by the way!) with an estimate of the amount of hours it would take. Anyway, I thanked her and told her when I was ready I would give her the go ahead to keep digging. After more than a year of trying to find out this information, it magically appeared.

I can’t explain the pull I felt to go back. After going back and forth with it quite a bit, it felt like I had no choice. It’s very hard for me to explain this to people. Especially since I don’t really understand it myself. I’ve never had anything like this happen in my life. And it’s weird for me, I’m sure it must be even weirder to witness. I don’t expect people to understand. And it can’t matter to me if you do or you don’t. It’s an experience that is exclusive to me and it doesn’t need to make sense to you. I’m not trying to be a bitch, it’s just that I’ve spent so much of my life caring about what others will think of me, and with this very personal and strange stage of life, I just can’t do that anymore.

I’m still processing all of it. I still don’t feel that I have the spiritual wherewithal to navigate any of it. I don’t understand how I can feel homesick for a place that I am just getting to know. So I’m still taking it all in. I’ve been home for 5 days and still feel very out of sorts and out of place. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s such a 180 from my trip and return last year. Last year I spent a lot of time sitting with the regret of it all. Sad that I missed so much. And so far I have spent a lot of time thinking about how much I miss it.

So here’s what I can tell you. Going to her house kind of changed me. I know that sounds really over dramatic, but it was profound in its own way. Once I got there, and I stood outside, my ever racing heart started beating at a normal pace and a wave of peace rushed over me. I have to tell you that I have been craving that feeling for 2 years and it was incredible. I never thought I would ever feel peace again, so to get it in that moment was a huge reminder that going there was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to linger outside for too long, people live there and I didn’t want to make it weird, so I went back to the church, her church, that I visited last year. It was a 2 minute walk away. I sat in the same spot, stuck in place, for 30 minutes, involuntarily sobbing my eyes out. I couldn’t move, I tried. I told her “I’m here and I’m listening”. The messages I received are between me and her for now. But it was seriously one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Again, I don’t know what to do with any of it yet, but I’m grateful for it.

I realize now that last year was not a waste. I wasn’t ready and that’s clear. I needed last year so that this year would be what it was. Because I was frantically checking the weather the week before, I worried myself sick that I would not be able to accomplish everything I wanted to in the time that I had. The landing into Catania was rough. A 25 minute descent felt like it took 6 days. It was pouring buckets as I was walking from the terminal to the car rental office. I showed up at the desk completely saturated. I had no choice but to drive in it. I don’t know why I was acting like I didn’t know how to drive in the rain. I was fine. I arrived at my hotel, took a hot shower, saw the rain had stopped and went for a walk. I planned my visit to Linguaglossa around the weather. I made sure I would be there before the rain started and it worked. As I was driving back to my hotel, about an hour and a half away, 3 miles before my exit, the heavens opened up. Like BIG TIME rain, wind, flooding, all the things. Instead of crying about it, I talked myself through it, followed patterns of traffic and shut the fuck up about it. I parked my car at the hotel and the rain stopped. I got myself situated, and went back outside. I know these are weather related, but there were just so many things that I convinced myself I wouldn’t be able to do and I did them because I’m not an idiot. And it was in these moments that I realized that everything that I fear and tell myself I can’t do, it’s all a lie.

I had one moment of clarity yesterday. I have such abandonment issues that I hang on so tightly to things out of fear of losing them. With that comes a few more issues. One of them being when I get the tiniest taste of something, I just want more. And I make myself sick thinking about how I don’t have it anymore and get so sad missing whatever it is. But I swear, yesterday I thought about how, not too long ago, I was researching all the places in Sicily that I’ve been, wishing to be there, and I did it. I went to those places and I did the things. And so yea, maybe it wasn’t instant, but I did it. And it made the reeling thoughts shut up. Because I did that. I wanted to go and see these things and I saw them. And yes, of course I would like to see them again, but I confidently told myself that I absolutely will. Because I will. I humbled the shit out of myself and for once I shut the fuck up and just said Thank You.

The hardest part of this entire journey is learning to go with the flow. I have never gone with the flow. I go with plans and over thinking, and more plans, and anxiety, and panic attacks and then more overthinking. And I learned that it is possible for me to flow. I saw myself do it. And so yea, it’s maybe taking me a little longer than it would other people, but this journey is about me and that’s where I’ll put my focus. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be in this moment, but I won’t be in this place forever. It won’t always be like this. I’m going to continue to process everything at my own pace. 2 years ago I never thought I would still be in this very weird place, but little by little I’m making my way out of the darkness, maybe even for real this time.

This was a long post and I appreciate it if you made it this far. I’m going to be making some changes to this blog and restructuring things a little bit. Glad we could catch up, I promise more will be coming soon…

io ti prometto che sarà bellissimo, tornare a quei ricordi là, sì, a quei ricordi là, che brivido di quelli che non puoi spiegare, come vele in mare aperto, quando tira forte il vento, tu lascia che sia bellissimo, bellissimo…

Song name: Quei ricordi là/ Artist: Olly/ Year: 2024