Tag: spiritual-awakening

a squarciagola (parte II)

e non vado fino in fondo nelle cose da un po’, come un palombaro, che faccio tutto a caso, un po’ ci riesco, un po’ no, che maleducato, maledetto me che lascio caos dove metto le mani (come?), come gli americani (chi?), gli incendi e gli uragani, volevo questa vita che però non sento mia, mi sento un elefante dentro una cristalleria… alzo il volume della radio, abbasso il finestrino e cambio l’aria, la mano controvento fa un elettrocardiogramma, che, detto proprio chiaro, ho il timore che sia piatto…

It seems the urge to write always strikes when I’m in a hotel somewhere. This time it’s in Sicily. And I’m writing today because as the queen of pattern recognition, I’ve noticed a pattern and I’m doing my damnedest to fight against myself and not repeat it. And I’m literally sobbing as I write this because I am so tired of disappointing myself. So tired of giving up when things are difficult. The truth is that I need to face myself, and I fucking hate that so much.

Yesterday was a very long day. And I felt the spiral coming despite all of my efforts to fight it. I went for a walk to clear my head and I sat by the sea and felt better. But the sun was setting and I headed back to my hotel before it got too dark out. And the spiral continued. A million thoughts were running through my head. I called my husband crying, telling him that I wanted to come home. He talked me off the ledge as usual. We both discussed how I was hungry and hadn’t slept yet in 30 hours and that tomorrow would be better. It was my godson’s birthday and I FaceTimed with him. And I got to speak to my cousin who is also a pro at this and helped talk me down. I drove around a little bit, came back, called my husband. Back and forth with feeling like I made the right decision coming here while also feeling sheer panic, complete with hot face and ears. I don’t know what time I fell asleep because I guess my body finally rationalized that exhaustion was going to win the battle. The only way to describe the feeling is complete terror. And I know that sounds absolutely absurd because I booked this trip and was excited about it, so what the fuck?

The last few years of my life, if you haven’t been reading along, have been really hard for me to navigate. Somewhere along the line I completely lost control of my nervous system. Irrationality is my go-to feeling for everything. It’s exhausting. But mostly, it’s not living. And so when I booked this trip, I was really excited. And about a week ago I started to feel really unsure. I questioned myself on everything. I could feel the anxiety slowly starting to take over. I wrote about it in my journal and tried to get myself back to neutral. But at this point, I don’t even know what neutral looks like. I have no baseline for emotions, it’s just pure fucking chaos. I listened to people ask me why I was going again; why my husband wasn’t going with me; what is the point of all this? And the truth is that I really can’t explain it to you. Because you’re not me. When I am sitting on my couch, the ache and pull I feel to come back here is completely overwhelming. It’s like a homesickness and it is relentless.

Last time I came to Sicily, it was everything that my first trip should have been. I did not allow myself to spiral. I enjoyed it so much that I was so sad to leave. And so I don’t know where the fuck all of this is coming from. And I refuse to let myself do what I did on the first trip. And bail when feelings get too overwhelming. I shit you not, I was looking at flights to get the hell out of here as soon as possible. And then got dressed and took a drive. I blasted All Time Low and sang at the top of my lungs. And then a friend sent me a video that made me sit and think for a bit. I am so afraid of everything, to the point where I am taking literal years off of my life with the amount of self imposed stress. But the choices we make are the choices we make. And it’s better to choose than not. And I can spend my life stressing about every little goddamn thing, or I can try, every once and a while, to just go with the flow. I can carry a bag full of things for any situation and just live my life. And not bail when it’s too overwhelming.

I am here for a reason. And it sounds weird to anyone I explain it to, but every time I come across a new piece of information regarding my lineage here, my heart explodes with anticipation to come back. So that’s why it really bothers me that my first instinct on a really exhausting day was to fucking leave. I work really hard and make sure everything is nice for everyone but me. I make myself smaller to make sure everyone else is okay. And so yea, maybe it doesn’t have to be this drastic, maybe I don’t need to flee the country solo, but I’m telling you that there is something here for me. And if I would just calm the fuck down and get out of my head, I would hear it. I heard it the last time I was here, and if I just give myself some time, I know I’ll hear it again.

A little over two years ago, no one even knew we were from Sicily. And I remember feeling betrayed when I found out. Not really sure why it mattered to me so much, but at that time I was deep in the throes of this spiritual awakening and it hit me like a ton of bricks. And now this is the third time I’ve been here. And some people think I’m batshit crazy, and others just get it and know that giving me a sideways comment won’t change whatever it is I’m doing. I know that I’ve grown and changed a lot, as much as it sometimes feels like I haven’t changed at all. But the fact is that I’ve been to Sicily THRICE. Things that I imagined have come to fruition. And maybe the situation always seems like total chaos, but when I step back and look at the bigger picture, there’s a lot that’s changed.

So, don’t ask me what I’m doing here. I don’t know yet. I finally stopped crying and decided to give myself a chance. The only flight I can change to involves me taking a 9:30 PM flight out of here tomorrow followed by 11 hours in the Rome airport before the flight home. So, no. We aren’t doing that. Take it day by day, breathe, and know that you can do hard things. You don’t need to be making things more difficult than they are. I am a functioning human being out in the world and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

One last thing I want to touch on, because I feel like it’s important, and then I’ll stop making you read more things. My cousin reminded me yesterday that I carried something new with me on this trip: Grief. It is my father’s family that led me here, and he just passed away in August. His death made me feel peace for him, not overwhelming grief, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. I discovered after he passed that he and I were way more alike in terms of our internal blueprint. We both always felt like we didn’t deserve to be loved. And how we chose to be out in the world is where we were different. My father was a man of very few words and if he saw tears, he told you to rub some dirt in it and knock it off. Where I would go in the complete opposite direction and give all the love I could give to make someone feel better. And I hope that now, wherever he is, he knows that he was loved despite all of his efforts to deflect, and that he finally is able to accept it.

So for now, I will stop crying, rub some dirt in it and knock it off. You don’t get this many chances to figure it out and maybe it’s time for me to leap even if I’m terrified. Most importantly, I can’t give up on myself.

As always, thanks for reading. I’m always here if you need me…

e anche se dentro a me c’è questa baraonda, qui c’è un silenzio che mi ride a squarciagola, che quelli come me fanno finta, che non sia dura, non sia in salita, che sia tutta vita…

Song name: A SQUARCIAGOLA/ Artist: OLLY/ Year: 2024

HALLELUJAH…

faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya, she tied you to the kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah…

The last few days I’ve been processing a lot of stuff, and so I’m just here today to write it out. I don’t even really know how to explain all of this, but I’m going to do my best. The last post wasn’t a great one, and I will admit that things have been lighter since then. Nothing crazy, but lighter, and I’m grateful for that.

This song has been haunting me since two nights ago. I was at a dance thing and when I heard it, I was locked in. I got chills up my spine and immediately asked the teacher who used it who was singing it. When he said Shawn Mendes I was surprised as hell. I’m in my 40’s, I don’t listen to him. I have a few songs on my phone from years ago when the kids in my dance classes loved him and I promised I would play them during warm up. So to hear this incredibly haunting version of this song from someone who I literally judged as having zero depth, I was humbled to say the least.

That night, I was driving home, it was late, and I played this song on repeat. The moon was shining so brightly and it just felt like a whole experience that I didn’t expect. As I drove around looking for parking, which is a nightmare after 8 PM in my neighborhood, let alone when there’s construction on the surrounding blocks and it’s 11:30 PM, I just tried to really take in the quiet time alone.

Two days ago, I had a good day. I got some good news about something that has weighed heavily on me for the last year and a half. And because I got the information second-hand, I was still a little apprehensive about fully releasing it because I didn’t want to get disappointed when I actually saw the paperwork. It has caused me a lot of anxiety, and I really hoped that it was true and that I can finally move on with this and maybe get one extra hour of sleep with it off of my plate. I received the paperwork and still don’t fully understand it, but I never really did. It’s for my grandmother, and that’s really why it causes me as much anxiety as it does However, the paperwork didn’t look bad at all and so I’m taking that as a small win for now.

This little paperwork story ties in to something much bigger, so please bear with me. For the last two years my biggest issue has been releasing the need to control the outcome of things that I can’t control. My nervous system is completely shot. Years of people pleasing and taking on things that shouldn’t have been my responsibility have left me in a very vulnerable state. My anxiety has gotten progressively worse. With each tiny thing, it barrels through me like a freight train that I can’t stop. It has made me sick to my stomach with worry, I can’t eat, I haven’t slept soundly in years, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I would classify myself as “beyond empathetic”. I have managed to absorb the feelings and energy of everyone around me to the point where I no longer exist. And that’s why I’m here on this journey, and I see that very clearly now. I managed to tie my own identity to the needs and wants of others, so much so that I completely abandoned myself. But something is finally shifting…

I knew the full moon on June 11th was going to be important for me. I read and listen to a lot of spiritual stuff everyday, almost to the point of over consumption, but it would soothe my anxiety, even if just for a few minutes. Anyway, last week really messed me up. I really felt like life was taking me in a direction that I didn’t want to go in. And if I didn’t at least try to steer the ship, I was afraid I would never come out of this. My thoughts were at an all time low. In 6 days I maybe slept 24 hours. I was losing my fucking mind. So when I saw that this full moon was coming and it was a perfect time to reset, I finally told my anxious thoughts to shut the fuck up because I really needed this.

My time in the car, with this song playing, tears in my eyes, with the beautiful moon shining above me, something finally clicked. When I finally got home, I immediately wrote down everything I wanted to release, I went outside at midnight and burned it all. And I promised myself that I would do better. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I can openly admit that I wasn’t doing a damn thing to help myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, I’m fucking exhausted, but I will at least start giving a shit about myself. It’s the least I could do.

Up until this point, nothing had changed. I didn’t feel like I was growing at all. That for the last two years, everything had been exactly the same. I was still triggered, still spiraling, still not caring about myself, still doing everything to cater to everyone else’s happiness, so yea, not a thing changed. And then an opportunity presented itself… Someone told me that she told someone else about how badly I was doing. She said it so nonchalant like it wouldn’t bother me. Let me break this down for you. My typical reaction to this would have been rage. Not only did you disrespect me by telling my story to someone who absolutely 1000% had no right to know, but you probably told your version of it which is incorrect. BUT, I realized very quickly that I never set a boundary on it. And so that was partially my fault. It wasn’t okay what she did. And instead of screaming and crying about it, I said to her nicely “I understand you think you were helping me, but I didn’t ask you for help. I would appreciate it if you could please never do that again.” And now the boundary was set. She called me back later and brought it up again. And again, I stifled the urge to scream, she insisted she was trying to help. And I told her “please understand that the only reason why I am not screaming at you right now is because I know it came from a place of love and concern. But I am asking you one more time to please never do that again.” And she gave me some insincere “SORRRYYY” and we hung up.

I got off the phone and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was raging mad, seeing red. I wanted to scream but didn’t want to scare my dog. And then I walked to the kitchen to get myself something to drink, and was hit with a moment of clarity. Amidst the rage, I thought about who I was dealing with. Someone I love who is also a child of trauma. And I thought for a few minutes about that. I am raging mad at someone who will never see my point of view because she physically can’t. She does not know any better. And I took a deep breath and I let it go. I forgave her for what she did, without a genuine apology, because I know better and she doesn’t. I set the boundary going forward, and that’s all I could do.

Last night I slept for six solid hours. That’s the longest consecutive amount of hours in one night in I don’t know how long. It was needed and I plan on trying it again tonight. I was triggered A LOT today. But in the midst of all the triggers, I also had a tiny bit of ammo to combat it. The last few days, with all the full moon talk, I kept telling myself that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. That I am strong and I can handle anything. And although it seems that nothing has changed, I have changed a lot. And I kept reminding myself of that. Most importantly, if I am going to surrender, I need to trust. That little grandma paperwork win the other day, the one that I couldn’t fully trust, that still had a death grip on me until the paperwork was physically in my hands. When it was finally dropped off at my house, I felt a bit of relief. I told myself to let it go, I will take care of the last bits of it tomorrow, have grandma sign it on Saturday and put it in the mail on Monday. I went to get coffee with my coworkers, and not two minutes after the order was placed, I got a strange text message. It had my grandmother’s home address and a case number. My heart dropped into my butt and I could feel the blood drain out of my face. I was with coworkers so I had to be cool but I internally spiraled so fast. I got back to the office and I was in a full panic attack.

After 10 minutes, I finally convinced myself that it couldn’t have been a scam text, not with such specific information, and told myself to bite the bullet and just call the number. I called. It wasn’t about my grandmother. It was about someone else in our family. I relayed the message to them and stepped out onto the balcony to breathe. I looked up to the sky and apologized for not trusting that only good will come out of this situation. I have heard so many times on this journey that when you’re on the verge of a breakthrough, when your ego knows that you’re finally taking control, you are hit with test after test after test to try to break you down. And normally this would have broken me. I don’t even know if I would have called the number. I would have just panicked and not slept for God knows how many nights over it. But I promised myself I would do better. I owe it to myself to do better. To fight for my life because it’s worth it.

I know this was an extremely long winded post, but the culmination of everything in the last few days actually has me seeing clearly for the first time in two years. My focus has shifted in a way that I never expected. I am not going to get overly excited about it. I have goals that I want to accomplish in the next few months and I will put my focus there. I have the tiniest spark of hope again and I’m not going to let it go. The last few days have shown me that my thoughts do not determine my next steps. And I know that I’ve probably said some version of those words hundreds of times in these posts, but I actually see it now. Everything that I want for my life going forward is within me and I will heal from all of this. I will accomplish what I want to accomplish because I see now that I am important. That I can set boundaries and my whole world doesn’t fall apart. And that no one is coming to save me, only I can do that.

As always, thank you for reading. I hope for more little victories going forward, but will not break apart if not everything is considered a win. This is life and there needs to be balance. And I see that it’s possible now, and I’m going to run with it. And if you haven’t heard this version of Hallelujah yet, my advice is to find a quiet place and listen to it…

well, maybe there’s a God above, that’s for me all I’ve ever learnt from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya, but it’s not a crime that you’re here tonight, it’s not some pilgrim who claims to have seen the light, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah… hallelujah, hallelujah…

Song name: HALLELUJAH/ Artist: Shawn Mendes/ Year: 2024