you’re not a voice, you’re just a ringing in my ear, and if I heard you, which I don’t, I’m spoken for I fear, everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls, I’m sorry, secret siren, but I’m blocking out your calls, I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new, I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow you into the unknown…
In the last couple of weeks I have taken some pretty large steps. They felt tiny at the time, but now that I’m sitting here writing it out, they were actually pretty large in relation to who I am. The last 10 months have been an absolute trash fire in terms of my emotions. I have not been able to get a handle on anything. Every time I felt like I was taking a few steps forward, it seemed that not long after I was going tumbling down a mountain only to have to get up and start all over again. Healing is a bitch. And it wasn’t really something that I thought I was ready or asking for, but it seems I really didn’t have a choice.
When all of this started, it felt like my entire foundation had shattered into a million pieces. And if it was going to be my job to rebuild it from the ground up, I wanted to make sure that I did it correctly. So I started digging into the history of my family. If I was going to figure out who I was and break the toxic generational cycles, I felt like it was best to start at the beginning. And when I took that step, weird shit started to happen. I started feeling drawn to one relative in particular. And so I followed whatever leads I could to learn more about her. I kept hitting dead ends. I can’t explain it, but it felt like she was pulling at me to keep digging. And after months and months of dead ends, I decided the only solution that made sense to me was to book a trip to Sicily so that I could visit her town and maybe learn more than I could learn from my computer.
So here I am, writing this, home from Sicily, with no more information than I had before I left. But going to that town felt like something I had to do. It didn’t feel like I had any other choice, I can’t explain it. There was a specific church I wanted to make sure I saw. I’m fairly certain my great-grandmother was named after the patron saint of the town, Sant’Egidio. Her name is Egidia and so that’s the story I’ve written in my head. Anyway, I wasn’t leaving that town without seeing that church. I wandered around, unsure of everything, but when I turned a corner and saw the church I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears started pouring out of my eyes. I knew I was in the right place before I could read the signage.
I stood there for a few minutes and breathed it all in. Honestly, how the fuck was I in Sicily, standing in front of this church? I had done so much research on the town and that church in particular, to be standing in front of it was unbelievable. The gratitude I felt in that moment was overwhelming. Although I didn’t get any other information about Egidia during my visit, just being where she once was felt really fucking special.
I’m going to be honest with you. My time in Sicily was pretty intense. I thought that I would arrive and get settled and everything would go according to how I planned it. I found myself extremely lost in every sense of the word. My nervous system was completely shot. I thought I needed a reset in the form of calm and clarity, instead I got absolute fucking chaos. And that is okay. I learned a lot of things in those moments. If I have learned anything on this journey so far it’s that things never unfold the way that I expect them to. They unfold the way I need them to. And honestly, I have delusional expectations sometimes. I don’t know what the fuck I thought was going to happen there, but all of this that I’m currently sorting through was not it.
I am very aware of my anxiety. It’s like a Siamese twin that I can’t surgically remove. I’m familiar with it and I know how it works. The level of fear and anxiety I had been dealing with while I was there was something I hadn’t felt in at least 25 years. I felt like a lost child and I found out the hard way that I am terrible at self soothing. So that was a big eye opener for me. I never realized how much I rely on others to talk me off of ledges. That is something that I have been working on since I got home.
I had to make a lot of unexpected changes while I was there. Moving towns, hotels and changing flights was my M.O. The nights were very long and lonely. I found it very hard to sleep. I found it very hard to calm down. The amount of dread that I felt, fearing that if I made a wrong move that I would somehow make things worse. It was absolute fucking insanity. I mapped everything out prior because of my anxiety, and everything got turned completely upside down anyway.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, so I’m sorry if it seems that way in context. Being able to go there and take in every bit of beauty that is Sicily was an absolute blessing. Seeing Mount Etna was another really emotional moment for me. The fact that I was able to drive in Sicily also blew my mind. I can’t tell you how many videos I watched to get myself prepared. Driving was the thing I feared the most before I got there, and it ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. I saw almost the entire east coast of Sicily from Catania all the way to Milazzo. How fucking incredible is that?!
The only regret that is still lingering is that I didn’t see more. I am sad that I thought I had all of my demons under control only to find out that they were still lurking just below the surface ready to attack at the most inopportune time. I am angry that I allowed irrational thoughts and fears to take the wheel and drive this trip. Not only did I not have a long time there, but the time I had was not used wisely. The problem was not Sicily, the problem was me and that’s something I’m still kind of upset about.
It’s just the tiniest feeling of heartache that I’m left with. There was heartache to return home while I was there. A level of homesickness that I hadn’t anticipated or prepared myself for. And heartache now that I missed out on so much. Some people don’t even get the opportunity to leave their world, and there I was, in my hotel rooms in these beautiful towns, too afraid to move. It was just a beautiful disaster and I feel really silly about it now.
Again, I know it may not look like it, but I am so grateful that I got the opportunity to go, I just wish a different version of me would have shown up for it. Rather than harp on the regret, I am a goddamn professional at it at this point (eye roll), I want to talk about the positive takeaways. Anyone I’ve spoken to, whether it was during or after, has given me credit for taking a solo journey like this. And I’m going to jump on that train too. This was so completely unlike anything I’ve ever done and I’m going to give myself credit for it. I did the thing. And yea, maybe it didn’t all go as planned, BUT with every thing that made me uncomfortable, I was able to adjust and make necessary changes despite the discomfort. I drove over 200 kilometers, on major highways, through small towns, beat language barriers and stood in the places of my ancestors. That sounds so incredibly corny, but I can’t tell you how fucking proud I feel for doing all of that. It’s very rare that I’m proud of myself for anything, but this feels warranted.
To close out this post, I want to give you some advice. I don’t feel I have the right to be giving out tips and tricks for life most of the time, but these are things I feel confident about. 1. Do it scared. If something is out of your comfort zone, but it’s something that you’re serious about, fucking do it. 2. Don’t let anyone, no matter who they are, dissuade you from doing the thing you want to do because of their irrational fears. I almost didn’t take this trip because of outside chatter and my need to people please. I’m lucky that I have people in my life who wouldn’t allow me to give up. If you need someone like that in your life, I will be that person. Do. The. Fucking. Thing. Even if spite is driving you to prove the naysayers wrong, just go and get it done.
There are currently a lot of open wounds that are making their way through the healing process and I’m going to need a little more time to sort through what I actually need. Making myself a priority has been the most difficult for me and this trip really helped me realize a lot of things. I went to Sicily to find her and instead I found me. A version of me that I’m not pleased with, at the moment, but still. I am meant for more than all of this emotional turmoil, but the only way out is through. I don’t know when, but I will make my way back to Sicily. My work there is not done, but at least now I’m armed with a wealth of knowledge and experience, and that’s pretty fucking sweet.
As always, thanks for reading…
are you someone out there who’s a little bit like me, who knows deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow, don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go into the unknown? where are you going? don’t leave me alone, how do I follow you into the unknown?
Song name: INTO THE UNKNOWN/ Artist: Idina Menzel, AURORA (Frozen 2 Soundtrack)/ Year: 2019
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 