so we won’t sleep tonight while we brace against the wind, oh, these hearts, they’re weather-makers, we’ll go where they take us until we find ourselves shelter again… we won’t settle for the silence, we won’t drown in the tears, we’ll say every single word even if we think they’ll hurt, let the rain wash away these tears… rain on us, Saint Honesty, salvation is coming in the morning, and now what we need is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…
The last month has been a blur. I’m not okay but I’m doing my best. I’m still on this mission to heal and it’s killing me. I can’t eat much and when I do, I don’t feel right. The only reason why I sleep is because I’m too exhausted to stay awake. There is an empty pit in my stomach and my heart races 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And that’s just on regular days where there is absolutely nothing going on.
On the days where shit is happening, I don’t know how but I manage to make it through. Just doing my best to make it through the day. I am fine most of the time. But that’s only because this seems to be my life now and I’ve gotten used to dealing with these feelings on a daily basis. I don’t want it to be that way, but I’m too exhausted to fight it.
There is the smallest glimmer of hope that things will change soon and that’s what keeps me going. It’s a tiny twinkle but it’s enough for me. When I manage to control the thoughts and think about all of the good that I have in my life, I genuinely smile and feel grateful. Some people don’t even have that, so that’s a win for me.
The problem with all of this healing is that a lot of shit is making its way out of me. And I’m faced with dusty ass skeletons making their way out of the closet. They make me feel unworthy and awful and creep out at the most inopportune times. They stop me in my tracks and make me want to run and hide. I have managed to isolate myself quite a bit and it’s better that way for now. There is a lot that I can’t cut out of my life or avoid though. And I’m learning how to cope with all of that without feeling guilty for taking the space that I need. Being uncomfortable and angry, but trying as hard as I can to handle it as gracefully as possible. The hardest part in all of this has been waking up to the realization that the important people in my life don’t understand me and might not ever be able to.
If I’m being honest, the most profound realization I’ve come to lately is that I’m toggling between two different worlds. And the longer I try to ignore it, the longer I’ll stay exactly where I am. But facing that fact is scary and makes me feel strange. So I lie to myself or ignore the issues because facing them is scary. This is the only way I know how to be. And it’s not working anymore. And taking that step outside of everything that I know makes me feel all the feelings. What if I change into something that no one recognizes and they don’t like it? Here’s the thing… I can’t care about that.
The problem is that I still very much care about that. The good news is that I’m finally getting to a place where I care a little bit less. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely brutal and it’s unfortunate that there is a bright shining light on all of the things that make me the most unhappy. And I’m not okay with those things anymore. So at the very least, I’m grateful that I’m not turning a blind eye to those things anymore because it’s easier for everyone else. I’m in a really fucking dark place, and being able to see what makes me unhappiest has been a blessing. Because normally I would just ignore those things for the sake of everyone else. And I realize that I physically cannot do that anymore. So it’s a start.
Now I have to really start putting the work in. The work that I’ve been shoving aside for months and months. It’s time to start being completely honest with myself and working through all of this. I don’t want to be sad girl. Sad girl is not my destiny and I know that now. It feels like my soul is crying out and I can’t ignore it anymore. I get glimpses of what life could be like and I need to hold on tight to that and move with purpose. I need to stop getting in my own way. I know what I need to do it’s just that breaking old patterns is difficult. But being hyper aware of it is part of the solution and quite frankly, I’m tired of this shit.
So I will say this much. If all you did this year was survive, CHEERS. You deserve a fucking medal! You don’t have to worry about the amazing year that you see your friends post on Instagram. People are out there living their best lives, and that’s AMAZING! I love seeing wonderful things happening for the people that I care about. But you don’t have to use other people’s prosperity as an example for where your life should be. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.
2023 absolutely destroyed me. I’m standing in the ashes of everything that I was. And it’s bleak right now but all I see is a bright future ahead of me. The tears will eventually stop pouring out of me and everything will finally make sense. I know the potential and the strength that lives inside me. And in 2023 I allowed myself to break. But tomorrow when I wake up I won’t give into those bad thoughts or fears anymore. I can’t allow it anymore.
So here’s to better blog posts in 2024. Posts that involve moving out of this very dark place and into a place that serves me and my highest good. A lot of this will be a solo mission, but I have the support I need to push through it. I wish you all nothing but the best in 2024. I appreciate you and I am grateful I get to share this trash fire journey with you! I look forward to the new year and the new adventures ahead.
Goodbye 2023!
oh, we won’t let go, we’ll be soaked to the bone, baptized by truth, we will reap what we sow, build our own higher ground when the rain’s coming down, this is worth it to me, Saint Honesty… rain… salvation is coming in the morning, wait patiently, aiming straight for it, but now what we need, is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…
Song name: SAINT HONESTY/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 