healing – TALKING ON EGGSHELLS

circles and cycles and seasons, for everything there’s always reason, but it’s never good, never turns out as it should… no one ever held you, no single moment of truth, but if you were mine, I would’ve looked into those eyes and said tell me the words you long to hear and I’ll sing them loud and clear, let me heal the wounds you’ve held on to for all these years…

This healing journey officially started a year ago. But I believe it was brewing for a long, long time. Both sides of my family have their own shit. And I’ve always been knee deep in one side. Dipped my toe into the other side and that’s to be continued. But the side I’m knee deep in, well that side never manages to not catch me off guard despite being knee deep. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, today I had another profound moment. It wasn’t bad at all, it just took me by surprise. I learned so much in such a short amount of time with my grandmother and I really wanted to write about it. So I hope you’ll have some patience with me as I try to put this on paper.

Most times when visiting with grandma, she doesn’t talk much. She wants to hear about what’s going on in your life, and so she will ask little questions here and there to keep the conversation going. Today was different. We talked about mundane things at first and then somehow took a turn into Unresolved Trauma Land. I don’t even remember what triggered the direction change, but she expressed to me that she worried if she made the right decisions in her life. Particularly the decisions regarding her husband. He was mentally ill at a time where mental illness was not known or accepted, and his life was really difficult. Which, in turn, made life difficult for the people in his life. And without going into detail because I wasn’t there and I don’t actually know, she still questions if she did right by her family. More than 50 years after it all went down. Guys, I literally just wrote an entire post about not being able to trust my decisions only to find out a few days later that my 101 year old grandmother does the same fucking thing.

That’s a weird thing to find out. Especially since I’ve been struggling so much with literally everything lately. So when she brought up the subject, I just tried to support her in the best ways that I know how. She told me that sometimes when she thinks about those things, her heart feels heavy. So I told her that no matter what has happened in life, she has to have faith that she did the right thing. That we are all here because of the decisions that she’s made and we are all okay (even if we’re not totally okay sometimes, she doesn’t need to know that).

Whenever she talks about my grandfather, I try to pay attention. There are so many things that weren’t understood in the 1960’s and 70’s that have come such an incredibly long way. Things that actually would have been extremely beneficial to my grandfather and would have changed the history of my family that brought me to this place. But here we are. And so every time she talks about him, I try to explain to her that he couldn’t help it. That he didn’t choose to be the way he was and that medicine and therapy just weren’t available to him at that time. And she seems to understand, I can tell by the bit of relief I see on her face when we discuss stuff like this. There was nothing anyone could do for him. You can’t imagine what this feels like. It’s like a blessing and a curse to be able to give her some solace, but it’s so sad to hear what she went through.

And so all of this makes me think nonstop about why I am the way I am. This whole time that I’ve been trying to heal myself, all I keep hearing is that I’m the one to break those cycles. And I never understood why the fuck it would be me. I’ve said it before that whatever this fucked up legacy is, it will die with me. I don’t have children to pass this along to. BUT, what if it means that I’m here to help my grandmother heal all the trauma that no one helped her with? She seemed so distraught today, and I told her that sometimes we carry really heavy stuff around that we don’t need to be carrying anymore. And maybe it’s time to put it down? And she looked at me and smiled.

So when I left her today I told her that I am always here to talk with her. That I am a safe place whenever she feels like what she is carrying is too heavy and we can talk it out and put it down. And even though I was talking to her, I was talking to me too. And that was really cathartic for both of us I think. I’m still processing all of it. When I said goodbye to her today, she was smiling and seemed lighter and that was a good thing. We tied our conversation up with a bow so I didn’t leave her like a completely open wound, which I for sure would have lost sleep over tonight.

I have been close with my grandmother my whole life, but like most of my family, we got really good at shoving all the heavy stuff way down into our guts. And I think that after the life that she has lived, she deserves to have an outlet to let it out when she needs to. She has never expressed anything like this and I am really glad that I can give her the safe space that she needs. She wasn’t my mother and I don’t harbor any resentment towards her like her children do. And I wasn’t alive when these things happened, I didn’t live through them, so technically I’m an outsider. I don’t have my own version of the story to “yea, but” her about it.

It was proven to me today that there’s a possibility that if I don’t start letting go of the shit that weighs me down, that I could end up being a thousand years old and still living with regrets about things that I can’t change. And that was a little jarring if I’m being honest. To know that the trauma eats away at her made me really sad. I am happy that she opened up about it. And I hope that she will continue to talk things out with me. If I can make the last years of her life, no matter how many more we get with her, any easier then I’m happy to do it.

I left our visit today with a heavy heart, but was not hopeless which was a nice change from the usual bullshit. Because helping her helped me without even realizing it until I got in my car. I had a lump in my throat and let myself have a quick cry about it. It’s another blessing and curse to be able to see what your future looks like if you don’t make the necessary changes. My grandmother is one of the strongest women I know. And I’ve made it this far because of her. But knowing what I know, I won’t make it to her age at the rate I’m going. So for the sake of both of us, I have to start letting stuff go. I can’t sustain at the rate I’m going. I need to start rewriting this story and break the cycles. I see now why it’s important.

So I’m going to try my best to take this lesson I learned today and move forward. And if I have to take baby steps, then so be it. Trying to run before I can walk has proven to be unsuccessful. So I’m going to slow down and assess and just tell myself that it’s better late than never. I didn’t expect this today, but I’m taking it seriously, maybe for the first time ever.

As always, thanks for reading. I am always here if you need me…

break the cycle, break the chains, love is louder than all your pain…

Song name: BREAK THE CYCLE/ Artist: you+me/ Year: 2014

so we won’t sleep tonight while we brace against the wind, oh, these hearts, they’re weather-makers, we’ll go where they take us until we find ourselves shelter again… we won’t settle for the silence, we won’t drown in the tears, we’ll say every single word even if we think they’ll hurt, let the rain wash away these tears… rain on us, Saint Honesty, salvation is coming in the morning, and now what we need is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…

The last month has been a blur. I’m not okay but I’m doing my best. I’m still on this mission to heal and it’s killing me. I can’t eat much and when I do, I don’t feel right. The only reason why I sleep is because I’m too exhausted to stay awake. There is an empty pit in my stomach and my heart races 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And that’s just on regular days where there is absolutely nothing going on.

On the days where shit is happening, I don’t know how but I manage to make it through. Just doing my best to make it through the day. I am fine most of the time. But that’s only because this seems to be my life now and I’ve gotten used to dealing with these feelings on a daily basis. I don’t want it to be that way, but I’m too exhausted to fight it.

There is the smallest glimmer of hope that things will change soon and that’s what keeps me going. It’s a tiny twinkle but it’s enough for me. When I manage to control the thoughts and think about all of the good that I have in my life, I genuinely smile and feel grateful. Some people don’t even have that, so that’s a win for me.

The problem with all of this healing is that a lot of shit is making its way out of me. And I’m faced with dusty ass skeletons making their way out of the closet. They make me feel unworthy and awful and creep out at the most inopportune times. They stop me in my tracks and make me want to run and hide. I have managed to isolate myself quite a bit and it’s better that way for now. There is a lot that I can’t cut out of my life or avoid though. And I’m learning how to cope with all of that without feeling guilty for taking the space that I need. Being uncomfortable and angry, but trying as hard as I can to handle it as gracefully as possible. The hardest part in all of this has been waking up to the realization that the important people in my life don’t understand me and might not ever be able to.

If I’m being honest, the most profound realization I’ve come to lately is that I’m toggling between two different worlds. And the longer I try to ignore it, the longer I’ll stay exactly where I am. But facing that fact is scary and makes me feel strange. So I lie to myself or ignore the issues because facing them is scary. This is the only way I know how to be. And it’s not working anymore. And taking that step outside of everything that I know makes me feel all the feelings. What if I change into something that no one recognizes and they don’t like it? Here’s the thing… I can’t care about that.

The problem is that I still very much care about that. The good news is that I’m finally getting to a place where I care a little bit less. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely brutal and it’s unfortunate that there is a bright shining light on all of the things that make me the most unhappy. And I’m not okay with those things anymore. So at the very least, I’m grateful that I’m not turning a blind eye to those things anymore because it’s easier for everyone else. I’m in a really fucking dark place, and being able to see what makes me unhappiest has been a blessing. Because normally I would just ignore those things for the sake of everyone else. And I realize that I physically cannot do that anymore. So it’s a start.

Now I have to really start putting the work in. The work that I’ve been shoving aside for months and months. It’s time to start being completely honest with myself and working through all of this. I don’t want to be sad girl. Sad girl is not my destiny and I know that now. It feels like my soul is crying out and I can’t ignore it anymore. I get glimpses of what life could be like and I need to hold on tight to that and move with purpose. I need to stop getting in my own way. I know what I need to do it’s just that breaking old patterns is difficult. But being hyper aware of it is part of the solution and quite frankly, I’m tired of this shit.

So I will say this much. If all you did this year was survive, CHEERS. You deserve a fucking medal! You don’t have to worry about the amazing year that you see your friends post on Instagram. People are out there living their best lives, and that’s AMAZING! I love seeing wonderful things happening for the people that I care about. But you don’t have to use other people’s prosperity as an example for where your life should be. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

2023 absolutely destroyed me. I’m standing in the ashes of everything that I was. And it’s bleak right now but all I see is a bright future ahead of me. The tears will eventually stop pouring out of me and everything will finally make sense. I know the potential and the strength that lives inside me. And in 2023 I allowed myself to break. But tomorrow when I wake up I won’t give into those bad thoughts or fears anymore. I can’t allow it anymore.

So here’s to better blog posts in 2024. Posts that involve moving out of this very dark place and into a place that serves me and my highest good. A lot of this will be a solo mission, but I have the support I need to push through it. I wish you all nothing but the best in 2024. I appreciate you and I am grateful I get to share this trash fire journey with you! I look forward to the new year and the new adventures ahead.

Goodbye 2023!

oh, we won’t let go, we’ll be soaked to the bone, baptized by truth, we will reap what we sow, build our own higher ground when the rain’s coming down, this is worth it to me, Saint Honesty… rain… salvation is coming in the morning, wait patiently, aiming straight for it, but now what we need, is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…

Song name: SAINT HONESTY/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019