Tag: dark night of the soul

LANDSLIDE

took my love, took it down, climbed a mountain and I turned around, and I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills ’til the landslide brought me down… mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above? can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides? can I handle the seasons of my life?

I love the internet. But I also hate the internet. Weird way to start, I know. I love it for obvious reasons. The world is at my fingertips. Anything I want to know, I can know it in seconds. I hate it for the same reasons. People like me, very anxious people, shouldn’t have access to this many things. These things both help and harm on a daily basis. I stopped searching ailments a long time ago. Setting that boundary for myself has been wonderful. Most of the time I use the internet for good. Looking up shit that generally interests me and feeling like I learned something.

Sometimes though, I search for things that feed my sadness. And I do that because I need to validate that I’m not the only one feeling like this. Most of the time I’m satisfied. The problem is that once you search for these things, they keep showing up because you searched for them once. So places like YouTube and TikTok are like “oh you like stuff like that? Here’s all of it!” And sometimes there’s a good enough mix in my algorithm that I can scroll for a few minutes, laugh a little and then when something serious comes up I can just close the app if I don’t feel like crying.

The other day something popped up on TikTok that really spoke to me. I’m not sure if it was good or bad yet. Still processing. Let’s say it was good? Because I never realized that I felt these things, and to attach a reason to that realization was a little bonus. And it kind of blew my mind because I LOVE finding reasons for why I am the way I am! It was a TikTok that had a photo slides that you swipe to see. And here’s what some of the slides said:

  • When someone jokes about abandonment issues but they don’t need constant reassurance.
  • When someone jokes about abandonment issues but they don’t get scared when they get left on delivered for over 10 minutes.
  • When someone jokes about abandonment issues but their chest doesn’t hurt badly when their partner’s mood is off.

Um excuse me? I have forever referred to myself as the girl with abandonment issues, but I didn’t realize stupid shit like this was part of it OR that I even felt like this on a regular basis. I was looking at more big picture stuff. Again, this is right in front of my face and I didn’t even see it. The terror I feel when these things happen is out of control. And of course over the years it has gotten progressively worse. Of course (eye roll). But I guess seeing it written out right in front of my face really made me say WOW. And then I proceed to go down a rabbit hole, because now I’m genuinely intrigued, and find that I have an insecure or anxious attachment style. Again, I’m sure it’s obvious to anyone reading, but who would want to admit that about themselves?

The last few weeks I’ve been really blah. Here but not really here. I feel like I’m in survival mode. I’m crawling in my skin feeling very much like a failure. Worried that I’m not doing enough. Anxious that if I’m not doing enough that I will ruin everything. That everyone will be disappointed in me. That everyone will be mad at me. Worried about money. Worried about being stuck in this loop forever. Just always fucking worried. And these are big things I need to work on, but the truth is that I don’t sit securely in anything. I am always worried that the people I love will leave. And it’s not for no reason. I am a giant open wound. And I probably shouldn’t have started this if I didn’t really want to get too into it, but the father situation in my life is the wound that won’t heal. My father is lingering in the shadows of my life even though we don’t speak. And my stepfather, who loved me unconditionally, died 23 years ago and I can’t stop being big fucking mad about that.

I’m tired of the rug being pulled out from under me when it comes to dads in my life. It took me a long time to let my stepfather in because of all of the shit that I had gone through with my dad. I was a teenager. I was angsty. I was not interested in getting close to someone who would ultimately leave, because as far as I knew, that’s what would happen anyway. And it was almost like I made my stepfather prove to me that he would stick around before I let him in. I didn’t make it easy. Had I known that our time together wasn’t infinite, I might not have been such a piece of shit about everything in the beginning. But we have no way of knowing that. Our trauma has no way of knowing that. And so we put up walls to protect ourselves only to find out that we missed out on more time with someone who was actually worth it.

I thought that me and my dad had a chance. When I got married almost five years ago, I really thought him and I would be able to maybe start a proper relationship and forget all the bullshit from the past. I really put a lot of time and effort into trying to build our relationship properly. But I was stupid for believing that anything would change. My wedding album sits in the dusty box on my shelf because I can’t bring myself to look at it. The fucking hoops I jumped through to try to be the good daughter, and it was all for nothing. When I look in the mirror I see his face, and I’m not okay with it. There was never anything that I could do to make him love me the way I needed to be loved by my dad. And I know that now. It took a long time for that to register, but it finally did. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s ironic that I used this song today. We danced to it at my wedding and I have not been able to listen to it since. NOTE: I started writing this post a few days ago. I was running a quick errand yesterday and on my way home this song shuffled. Tears poured down my face. God damn you shuffle button. God damn you.

No one is really ours to keep. I understand that. The problem with an insecure or anxious attachment style is that somewhere in the gray matter, the lines get crossed. Of course no one really belongs to anyone and nothing lasts forever. But I hold on to people so tightly because I’m so scared of losing them. And on the opposite side of that, I push people away to protect myself so that if they leave, I’ll somehow be prepared? I know right? Make it make sense. But important people in my life left, whether it was voluntarily or involuntarily, and it really fucked me up. It was at stages of my life when I needed them most and it’s like I am frozen in those times, never able to move forward. Still holding on for dear life to a time that no longer exists. And that’s a really big fucking piece of this puzzle.

I am trying so hard to be someone that doesn’t care. To be someone who lets things flow. To be someone that doesn’t let things bother me. And I’m picking myself apart trying to figure out what still fits and what doesn’t. And some days I’m strong and feel like I can do anything. And other days I feel absolutely hopeless, like I’ll never move through this point in my life. I need to breathe. I need to be kind to myself. I need to remind myself that I am this way because things happened, but it’s up to me to change it. I don’t want you to read this and think I’m blaming anyone because I’m not. This is my responsibility to fix and I will fix it. It’s just taking me much longer than I would have liked. The living in survival mode shit has to stop.

So yea, to circle back to the beginning, my relationship with the internet is a love/hate thing. I still don’t know if it’s actually useful for someone like me to have this much access, but I can’t imagine going through all of this and not be able to calm the crazy when I’m in the throes of it. Anyway, sorry if it got heavy, sometimes we need to put the heavy things down somewhere and this is my somewhere.

As always, thanks for reading and I’m always here if you need me.

well, I’ve been afraid of changin’ ’cause I’ve built my life around you, but time makes you bolder, even children get older, and I’m getting older, too…

Song name: LANDSLIDE/ Artist: Fleetwood Mac/ Year: 1975

BREAK THE CYCLE

circles and cycles and seasons, for everything there’s always reason, but it’s never good, never turns out as it should… no one ever held you, no single moment of truth, but if you were mine, I would’ve looked into those eyes and said tell me the words you long to hear and I’ll sing them loud and clear, let me heal the wounds you’ve held on to for all these years…

This healing journey officially started a year ago. But I believe it was brewing for a long, long time. Both sides of my family have their own shit. And I’ve always been knee deep in one side. Dipped my toe into the other side and that’s to be continued. But the side I’m knee deep in, well that side never manages to not catch me off guard despite being knee deep. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, today I had another profound moment. It wasn’t bad at all, it just took me by surprise. I learned so much in such a short amount of time with my grandmother and I really wanted to write about it. So I hope you’ll have some patience with me as I try to put this on paper.

Most times when visiting with grandma, she doesn’t talk much. She wants to hear about what’s going on in your life, and so she will ask little questions here and there to keep the conversation going. Today was different. We talked about mundane things at first and then somehow took a turn into Unresolved Trauma Land. I don’t even remember what triggered the direction change, but she expressed to me that she worried if she made the right decisions in her life. Particularly the decisions regarding her husband. He was mentally ill at a time where mental illness was not known or accepted, and his life was really difficult. Which, in turn, made life difficult for the people in his life. And without going into detail because I wasn’t there and I don’t actually know, she still questions if she did right by her family. More than 50 years after it all went down. Guys, I literally just wrote an entire post about not being able to trust my decisions only to find out a few days later that my 101 year old grandmother does the same fucking thing.

That’s a weird thing to find out. Especially since I’ve been struggling so much with literally everything lately. So when she brought up the subject, I just tried to support her in the best ways that I know how. She told me that sometimes when she thinks about those things, her heart feels heavy. So I told her that no matter what has happened in life, she has to have faith that she did the right thing. That we are all here because of the decisions that she’s made and we are all okay (even if we’re not totally okay sometimes, she doesn’t need to know that).

Whenever she talks about my grandfather, I try to pay attention. There are so many things that weren’t understood in the 1960’s and 70’s that have come such an incredibly long way. Things that actually would have been extremely beneficial to my grandfather and would have changed the history of my family that brought me to this place. But here we are. And so every time she talks about him, I try to explain to her that he couldn’t help it. That he didn’t choose to be the way he was and that medicine and therapy just weren’t available to him at that time. And she seems to understand, I can tell by the bit of relief I see on her face when we discuss stuff like this. There was nothing anyone could do for him. You can’t imagine what this feels like. It’s like a blessing and a curse to be able to give her some solace, but it’s so sad to hear what she went through.

And so all of this makes me think nonstop about why I am the way I am. This whole time that I’ve been trying to heal myself, all I keep hearing is that I’m the one to break those cycles. And I never understood why the fuck it would be me. I’ve said it before that whatever this fucked up legacy is, it will die with me. I don’t have children to pass this along to. BUT, what if it means that I’m here to help my grandmother heal all the trauma that no one helped her with? She seemed so distraught today, and I told her that sometimes we carry really heavy stuff around that we don’t need to be carrying anymore. And maybe it’s time to put it down? And she looked at me and smiled.

So when I left her today I told her that I am always here to talk with her. That I am a safe place whenever she feels like what she is carrying is too heavy and we can talk it out and put it down. And even though I was talking to her, I was talking to me too. And that was really cathartic for both of us I think. I’m still processing all of it. When I said goodbye to her today, she was smiling and seemed lighter and that was a good thing. We tied our conversation up with a bow so I didn’t leave her like a completely open wound, which I for sure would have lost sleep over tonight.

I have been close with my grandmother my whole life, but like most of my family, we got really good at shoving all the heavy stuff way down into our guts. And I think that after the life that she has lived, she deserves to have an outlet to let it out when she needs to. She has never expressed anything like this and I am really glad that I can give her the safe space that she needs. She wasn’t my mother and I don’t harbor any resentment towards her like her children do. And I wasn’t alive when these things happened, I didn’t live through them, so technically I’m an outsider. I don’t have my own version of the story to “yea, but” her about it.

It was proven to me today that there’s a possibility that if I don’t start letting go of the shit that weighs me down, that I could end up being a thousand years old and still living with regrets about things that I can’t change. And that was a little jarring if I’m being honest. To know that the trauma eats away at her made me really sad. I am happy that she opened up about it. And I hope that she will continue to talk things out with me. If I can make the last years of her life, no matter how many more we get with her, any easier then I’m happy to do it.

I left our visit today with a heavy heart, but was not hopeless which was a nice change from the usual bullshit. Because helping her helped me without even realizing it until I got in my car. I had a lump in my throat and let myself have a quick cry about it. It’s another blessing and curse to be able to see what your future looks like if you don’t make the necessary changes. My grandmother is one of the strongest women I know. And I’ve made it this far because of her. But knowing what I know, I won’t make it to her age at the rate I’m going. So for the sake of both of us, I have to start letting stuff go. I can’t sustain at the rate I’m going. I need to start rewriting this story and break the cycles. I see now why it’s important.

So I’m going to try my best to take this lesson I learned today and move forward. And if I have to take baby steps, then so be it. Trying to run before I can walk has proven to be unsuccessful. So I’m going to slow down and assess and just tell myself that it’s better late than never. I didn’t expect this today, but I’m taking it seriously, maybe for the first time ever.

As always, thanks for reading. I am always here if you need me…

break the cycle, break the chains, love is louder than all your pain…

Song name: BREAK THE CYCLE/ Artist: you+me/ Year: 2014

TOLD YOU SO

I know you like when I admit that I was wrong and you were right, at least I try to keep my cool when I’m thrown into a fire, and they go “I hate to say I told you so”, but they love to say they told me so…

I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what makes me tick. I’m finding out that a lot of the things that I feel are caused by repressed anger. And it’s not a great feeling. Depression and anxiety stem from anger that’s buried. Years and years of burying deep into my guts. If I had known that 100 years later I would be in this position, I would have just let it all out while it was happening. The thing is that no amount of therapy or talking it out will change anything that I’m going through right now. Those things won’t resolve years of damage that I’ve done to myself. For some ridiculous reason, I am an emotional hoarder and have chosen to let all of this stuff stick around and eat me alive. I haven’t given up hope on myself, it’s just that I’m tired and this all feels so stupid.

I never realized how angry I was until I started this healing journey. It never occurred to me that the feelings were related to anger. When I think about all of the times that I rage cried and explained to people “I’m not sad, I’m crying because I’m frustrated!” it seems that the writing was right there on the wall. I just chose to ignore it and blame something that seemed more logical. Of course I cry when things legitimately make me sad. But the crying I do when I’m angry is very different. It’s almost childlike. And when I do the mental inventory of all the times that I have big cried in my life, the majority of those times was because I was big fucking mad.

Lately I have been feeling like a walking trigger. Everything is bothering me. Because for so long I have been in this survival mode of making sure everyone else is okay. Making sure that I did what everyone else needed me to do for them while ignoring my own needs and never asking for help. And now that I’ve admitted to people that maybe I’m not alright all the time, they help me and I don’t want it. At least not in that way. I guess I spent my life, unconsciously, taking care of everything just so people would love me in the way that I really needed. Except that’s not how anything should work. And now I’m here, in this very stupid place, and it’s like mentally I’ve reverted back to a child like state where I just want to throw temper tantrums all day. Just like when I was a child and no one cared to listen, I’m still fucking here. And it’s just not okay.

Very recently I came to a huge realization. There has always been this nagging feeling of dread when it comes to taking care of anything involving money. It started off small and has just grown into this absolute monster that has completely consumed me. I am now at the point where it is crippling and making it more and more difficult to function. Anyway, last week something very basic happened, but it brought me to this revelation and I want to talk about it.

My grandmother is 101 years old. I have been taking care of her finances since her 85th birthday. As if handling my own financial problems wasn’t enough, I went and added another person into the mix. It’s my grandmother and want to do everything I can to make sure that she is taken care of, and what’s better than a hyper-vigilant anxiety ridden granddaughter when it comes to finances, right?! Anyway, she has been paying into a very small life insurance policy for the last 15 years and I am the beneficiary of it. Last week, she received the payout for it. It made perfect sense to me… after all of these years of quarterly payments, it’s paid off. They sent her the check, boom, we’re done. So, of course, I tell my mom about it, in passing, just saying I was going to deposit it into her account. My mother asks if it’s a real check. Why would they pay it out? You should call them, what if it’s a mistake? Don’t deposit anything without calling them first. Wait, what?!

On paper, there was no reason at all for me to question any of this. It said on the check stub exactly what it was for. The policy wasn’t some absurd amount that was going to send my grandmother into another tax bracket. It was tiny and she finished making payments on it because she is 100 and fucking 1 years old. So, like a CHOOCH I called them, because I was instantly filled with dread that somehow if I deposited this check without calling the company, that I would find out later that I was wrong, the check was fake and my grandmother was doomed. Fucking why?! I will tell you why. Because my whole life, I have been told to question every single thing when it comes to my decisions. That I am not a trustworthy person, even though I have been handling everything.

This is years of destroying any chance I ever had at believing that I can do anything without outside validation. I can’t be trusted to make big decisions because I don’t know any better, even after all of these years of being a fully functional adult. And the best part is… I have fucking allowed this. Without even knowing it, I have become this robot who seeks out validation for every decision that needs to be made. This stupid check arriving in the mail and the conversation that followed was enough to open my eyes to all of this.

I wasn’t this bad 5 years ago. I guess I’ve just been worn down into submission out of sheer exhaustion. Now that I’m thinking about it, there was a time where I did stand up for myself, but I picked my battles wisely. Standing on my laurels when it came to hills I would die on, and then allowing others to dictate my direction when it was a decision that I wasn’t 100% on anyway. Or if it was something I didn’t really want to do, I could easily shift blame to someone else not agreeing with it and that’s why I ultimately didn’t do it. Nice little system I had going there for a while.

Except this isn’t working anymore. I have zero faith in anything. I have become a shell of who I was, which wasn’t a whole lot to begin with. And now it seems I’m even in debt when it comes to my own self worth. Things are spiraling out of fucking control. And I’m glad that I am aware of it now. It’s just that I can’t let go of the fear and just trust myself. And it’s causing a LOT of internal problems for me. And it’s part of the reason I am in this mind frame now. I don’t trust anything that comes from me. I can’t make decisions about my own life without having a panic attack. That needs to change and I am working on it. This is a huge piece of the puzzle in this healing journey. Because I question every single thing that I do, with zero confidence to back it, asking for everyone’s approval before I do anything, and that is fucking bat-shit crazy.

It’s still really difficult for me to stand by my decisions. I hate giving people opportunities to tell me that they told me so. Because I feel like I have a lot of people in my life that are just waiting to smile at my errs in judgement. And that makes me really fucking sad. It’s not everyone, but it’s important people. And this is just another realization that I’ve stumbled upon that makes me so fucking sad. Because I really want to believe that I have people in my corner, but the ones that share my DNA seem to smirk when I do it wrong. It feels like people are waiting for me to fail so they can scoop me up when I do and show me that I really was never capable. What. The. Fuck.

This is why I have lived with this underlying victim mentality. And it has hindered my growth. It has set me back in so many aspects of my life. Because we all just want to be fucking saved, even if the feeling is unconscious. We just want people to know what we’re thinking without us having to say it or ask for it. The truth is that no one is going to save you. I’m not saying that hopelessly, I’m stating a fact. You have to be able to save yourself. You have to be able to write your story and have faith in yourself, even when you’re wrong. And I need to keep reminding myself of that. This is MY life. And I don’t know exactly where I lost control, but it’s time to take it back. I have to learn to be okay with the commentary that will come. And I have to be able to tell myself that whatever I was wrong about was a lesson and grow from it.

The anger and the sadness that have been consuming my life lately are starting to subside. Things are shifting and I am learning to let go of the feelings and memories that cause me pain. I have to stop associating current situations with the memories that I am harboring that caused similar reactions. When I see it happening, I now have the power to change the reaction. I can’t continue to hold on to resentment from things in my past. And I have to be able to turn those situations around now that I’m aware. Controlling what I can and letting go of what I can’t. It’s an insane process and I guess I better start showing up for it.

There will always be people ready to proudly tell you “I told you so” but that’s a them problem, not a you problem. There’s something a little bit wrong with finding joy in someone else’s mistakes. Again, that’s on them. So this is here now for me to continuously refer back to when I need it. And it’s here for you too in case you need a reminder. Everything will be alright. I need to be kind with myself and understand that life is a balance. Things aren’t happening to me, they’re happening for me.

I know it was another all over the place post, but it’s important to write it out here. It is important that I keep telling myself that my destiny is not to be an angry and miserable person. That all of this is happening now so that I can become the person I truly want to be. And most importantly, I don’t need any one else’s input when it comes to the life that I want to live, so it’s up to me to stop actively seeking it out in order to move forward.

As always, thanks for reading and here if you need me 🙂

throw me into the fire, throw me in, pull me out again, “I hate to say I told you so” but they love to say they told me so…

Song name: TOLD YOU SO/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2017

OCEAN AVENUE

there’s a piece of you that’s here with me, it’s everywhere I go it’s everything I see, when I sleep I dream and it gets me by, I can make believe that you’re here tonight, that you’re here tonight…

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I don’t know what to write anymore. There’s a recent glimmer of light that is creeping in, and it feels like things are shifting, but I still feel a little stuck. I keep trying to use all of the tools and do all of the things that will help me, but then the rug gets pulled out from under me and I fall back a few steps. It’s incredibly sad and frustrating. It’s impossible to go, even, one day sometimes without having something sneak into my thoughts and I’m in tears. It’s really fucking weird. It’s the strangest feeling I’ve ever felt. It’s like this insane emptiness in my heart that hits me from out of nowhere and takes my breath away. No matter how often it happens, it always catches me off guard.

I keep hearing that thoughts manifest. I have some really great thoughts. But there are days where I don’t have many. Days like that are terrible actually. And I get terrified that the terrible thoughts will manifest. And I have a panic attack and lose my shit. It feels like it will be impossible to get clarity and peace at this rate. I am constantly worried that if I get too happy, or even stop being misery girl, for a minute longer than I should, the other shoe will drop and I’ll crumble again. What kind of fucking life is this?!

SIDE NOTE: I hope you don’t read these posts and think that I am not aware of the mental health issues that I’m writing on these pages. I am aware. I am just trying a different approach to pinpoint what is actually going on with me. I have written here before, and I will write it here again, I don’t need anyone’s judgement. If you see someone is going through a hard time, it won’t kill you to be gentle. I have been told recently that I should “find a therapist” and that I look terrible, I’ve lost weight and “you were already skinny, you can’t afford to lose more weight” and that I look like I’m “on the verge of a nervous breakdown”. Please don’t do that to people. Your tough love isn’t wanted or needed in this instance. As a person who has been on the receiving end of those comments, it ruins the whole fucking day and just sends the person into a shame spiral. So just don’t. The only positive thing to come out of your unnecessary commentary, is that the person now knows that you are not a safe space, and they can protect themselves from the nonsense going forward.

So I’m going to keep doing the inner work because that seems manageable for me. I can’t handle more than manageable right now, and I know that. About a week ago, I was looking through old videos on my phone and the saddest thing happened. I found some Instagram videos that I had posted last year around this time and I seemed so incredibly happy. And then I scrolled to a video of me, after everything felt like it fell apart inside of me, and there was no life in my eyes. No sparkle. I honestly didn’t think it was noticeable. I honestly thought I was doing my best to try to be that happy girl outwardly. And it was painfully clear to me that it was gone from one video to the next. Another eye opener…

Anyway, for a while now, it has felt like a piece of me was missing. It got me thinking about happiness and what that word/feeling actually means to me. What would it take for me to be happy? I never thought about it genuinely. I have no idea what that word means for me. In the grand scheme of things, my life was never really about making myself happy. And any time I did something that I thought would bring me happiness, I was told I was selfish. Or I was shamed for it. So I just stopped. I just started doing everything for everyone else and ignored my own needs. And now I’m here, and I guess it’s better late than never, but man what a mindfuck this is. So I know what I’ve been told should make me happy. In everyone else’s recipe for happiness, I have all the ingredients. But if I’ve learned anything at all this year, it’s that I’m not like everyone else and maybe it’s time to figure out a recipe of my own.

Please don’t get me wrong, I have moments that make me happy where I’m laughing and smiling for real and my heart feels so incredibly full. But to be content in life? I don’t know. Seems like I haven’t found that answer yet. I have so much, there’s no reason for me to be unhappy. You have food, running water and a roof over your head. You are loved and have more than most, what’s the problem? When I went back and really sat with myself and thought about this, I realized that I have heard, all of my life, that the people who love me just want me to be happy. But I just noticed that they want me to be their version of what they think happy should look like. When I don’t give people the reaction that they were expecting, automatically I am labeled as “no fun” or I’m told “there’s something wrong with you”. Even when I am giving a good reaction! It’s so incredibly disheartening. And now I know that in order for me to function around those people, I have to be completely over the top with my reactions, because it’s not safe for me to just be me.

This has been the most wonderfully heartbreaking year of my life. May 29th marks one year since I fell apart right before your very eyes. And I’ll be honest, as the date has been approaching, I have been increasingly anxious. Because I thought I would be further along by now. BUT, one year ago, I honestly didn’t think I would still be here to talk about it. And I know that makes us all uncomfortable, but it’s the truth. Every day was a struggle just to get through it. Every day was a struggle just to make it one more day. And yes, there are still some really painful moments, but I’m proud of myself for giving myself the time to process them and try to work through them instead of just falling apart.

My trip to Sicily really changed a lot of things for me. And I’m still processing all of it. I’ve been home for 2 months but my time there still replays in my head every day. Yes, I wish a different version of me had shown up for it, but it was an important part of me finding me. There’s still so much that I can’t even put into words. But I held myself back while I was there. I was paralyzed with fear because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to me that would ultimately disappoint everyone at home. And so I stayed scared when there was no reason to be. Every day I remind myself that I will go back. And every day I tell myself “I was there, and it was beautiful” because it really was. I see it when I close my eyes and I am holding on to all of it. As heartbroken as I am that I didn’t let myself be free, I learned so much about who I don’t want to be.

I appreciate the people in my life who have really been there, even when it was uncomfortable and confusing. I appreciate you sticking with me and being kind, patient and gentle with me, more than you will ever know. You have been my safe space when I needed it the most. Things are shifting in a good way, I promise. I am still trying to put all of the puzzle pieces in their places, sometimes the table gets flipped and I have to start over, but I’m doing it. There might be some missing pieces still, but I know I’ll find them. I am not the same person I was a year ago. And I’m getting to know her and she’s not that bad. She’s just different.

As always, thanks for coming along on this beautiful fucked up journey with me. Everything is fine, and even when it’s not, it will be…

P.S. I used this song today because the band released a new version of it. And it’s haunting but beautiful. And I highly recommend listening to it when you have a moment to yourself. The video is visually pleasing too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrdOg6kI-tE

if I could find you now things would get better, we could leave this town and run forever, I know somewhere somehow we’ll be together, let your waves crash down on me and take me away…

Song name: OCEAN AVENUE/ Artist: Yellowcard/ Year: 2003

INTO THE UNKNOWN

you’re not a voice, you’re just a ringing in my ear, and if I heard you, which I don’t, I’m spoken for I fear, everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls, I’m sorry, secret siren, but I’m blocking out your calls, I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new, I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow you into the unknown…

In the last couple of weeks I have taken some pretty large steps. They felt tiny at the time, but now that I’m sitting here writing it out, they were actually pretty large in relation to who I am. The last 10 months have been an absolute trash fire in terms of my emotions. I have not been able to get a handle on anything. Every time I felt like I was taking a few steps forward, it seemed that not long after I was going tumbling down a mountain only to have to get up and start all over again. Healing is a bitch. And it wasn’t really something that I thought I was ready or asking for, but it seems I really didn’t have a choice.

When all of this started, it felt like my entire foundation had shattered into a million pieces. And if it was going to be my job to rebuild it from the ground up, I wanted to make sure that I did it correctly. So I started digging into the history of my family. If I was going to figure out who I was and break the toxic generational cycles, I felt like it was best to start at the beginning. And when I took that step, weird shit started to happen. I started feeling drawn to one relative in particular. And so I followed whatever leads I could to learn more about her. I kept hitting dead ends. I can’t explain it, but it felt like she was pulling at me to keep digging. And after months and months of dead ends, I decided the only solution that made sense to me was to book a trip to Sicily so that I could visit her town and maybe learn more than I could learn from my computer.

So here I am, writing this, home from Sicily, with no more information than I had before I left. But going to that town felt like something I had to do. It didn’t feel like I had any other choice, I can’t explain it. There was a specific church I wanted to make sure I saw. I’m fairly certain my great-grandmother was named after the patron saint of the town, Sant’Egidio. Her name is Egidia and so that’s the story I’ve written in my head. Anyway, I wasn’t leaving that town without seeing that church. I wandered around, unsure of everything, but when I turned a corner and saw the church I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears started pouring out of my eyes. I knew I was in the right place before I could read the signage.

I stood there for a few minutes and breathed it all in. Honestly, how the fuck was I in Sicily, standing in front of this church? I had done so much research on the town and that church in particular, to be standing in front of it was unbelievable. The gratitude I felt in that moment was overwhelming. Although I didn’t get any other information about Egidia during my visit, just being where she once was felt really fucking special.

I’m going to be honest with you. My time in Sicily was pretty intense. I thought that I would arrive and get settled and everything would go according to how I planned it. I found myself extremely lost in every sense of the word. My nervous system was completely shot. I thought I needed a reset in the form of calm and clarity, instead I got absolute fucking chaos. And that is okay. I learned a lot of things in those moments. If I have learned anything on this journey so far it’s that things never unfold the way that I expect them to. They unfold the way I need them to. And honestly, I have delusional expectations sometimes. I don’t know what the fuck I thought was going to happen there, but all of this that I’m currently sorting through was not it.

I am very aware of my anxiety. It’s like a Siamese twin that I can’t surgically remove. I’m familiar with it and I know how it works. The level of fear and anxiety I had been dealing with while I was there was something I hadn’t felt in at least 25 years. I felt like a lost child and I found out the hard way that I am terrible at self soothing. So that was a big eye opener for me. I never realized how much I rely on others to talk me off of ledges. That is something that I have been working on since I got home.

I had to make a lot of unexpected changes while I was there. Moving towns, hotels and changing flights was my M.O. The nights were very long and lonely. I found it very hard to sleep. I found it very hard to calm down. The amount of dread that I felt, fearing that if I made a wrong move that I would somehow make things worse. It was absolute fucking insanity. I mapped everything out prior because of my anxiety, and everything got turned completely upside down anyway.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, so I’m sorry if it seems that way in context. Being able to go there and take in every bit of beauty that is Sicily was an absolute blessing. Seeing Mount Etna was another really emotional moment for me. The fact that I was able to drive in Sicily also blew my mind. I can’t tell you how many videos I watched to get myself prepared. Driving was the thing I feared the most before I got there, and it ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. I saw almost the entire east coast of Sicily from Catania all the way to Milazzo. How fucking incredible is that?!

The only regret that is still lingering is that I didn’t see more. I am sad that I thought I had all of my demons under control only to find out that they were still lurking just below the surface ready to attack at the most inopportune time. I am angry that I allowed irrational thoughts and fears to take the wheel and drive this trip. Not only did I not have a long time there, but the time I had was not used wisely. The problem was not Sicily, the problem was me and that’s something I’m still kind of upset about.

It’s just the tiniest feeling of heartache that I’m left with. There was heartache to return home while I was there. A level of homesickness that I hadn’t anticipated or prepared myself for. And heartache now that I missed out on so much. Some people don’t even get the opportunity to leave their world, and there I was, in my hotel rooms in these beautiful towns, too afraid to move. It was just a beautiful disaster and I feel really silly about it now.

Again, I know it may not look like it, but I am so grateful that I got the opportunity to go, I just wish a different version of me would have shown up for it. Rather than harp on the regret, I am a goddamn professional at it at this point (eye roll), I want to talk about the positive takeaways. Anyone I’ve spoken to, whether it was during or after, has given me credit for taking a solo journey like this. And I’m going to jump on that train too. This was so completely unlike anything I’ve ever done and I’m going to give myself credit for it. I did the thing. And yea, maybe it didn’t all go as planned, BUT with every thing that made me uncomfortable, I was able to adjust and make necessary changes despite the discomfort. I drove over 200 kilometers, on major highways, through small towns, beat language barriers and stood in the places of my ancestors. That sounds so incredibly corny, but I can’t tell you how fucking proud I feel for doing all of that. It’s very rare that I’m proud of myself for anything, but this feels warranted.

To close out this post, I want to give you some advice. I don’t feel I have the right to be giving out tips and tricks for life most of the time, but these are things I feel confident about. 1. Do it scared. If something is out of your comfort zone, but it’s something that you’re serious about, fucking do it. 2. Don’t let anyone, no matter who they are, dissuade you from doing the thing you want to do because of their irrational fears. I almost didn’t take this trip because of outside chatter and my need to people please. I’m lucky that I have people in my life who wouldn’t allow me to give up. If you need someone like that in your life, I will be that person. Do. The. Fucking. Thing. Even if spite is driving you to prove the naysayers wrong, just go and get it done.

There are currently a lot of open wounds that are making their way through the healing process and I’m going to need a little more time to sort through what I actually need. Making myself a priority has been the most difficult for me and this trip really helped me realize a lot of things. I went to Sicily to find her and instead I found me. A version of me that I’m not pleased with, at the moment, but still. I am meant for more than all of this emotional turmoil, but the only way out is through. I don’t know when, but I will make my way back to Sicily. My work there is not done, but at least now I’m armed with a wealth of knowledge and experience, and that’s pretty fucking sweet.

As always, thanks for reading…

are you someone out there who’s a little bit like me, who knows deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow, don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go into the unknown? where are you going? don’t leave me alone, how do I follow you into the unknown?

Song name: INTO THE UNKNOWN/ Artist: Idina Menzel, AURORA (Frozen 2 Soundtrack)/ Year: 2019

ORPHEUS (Part II)

I’ll show you good, restore your faith, I’ll try and somehow make a meaning of the poison in this place, convince you love, don’t breathe it in, you were written in the stars that we are swimming in, and it has no name, no guarantee, it’s just the promise of a day I know that some may never see, but that’s enough, if the bottom drops out I hope my love was someone else’s solid ground…

I don’t really have a lot to say. I am stuck in a seemingly endless loop of life trying to claw my way out. I am seeing the same patterns repeating over and over again, and I’m pretty tired of it. I keep saying that I want to change. That I want things to be different. And here I am, too afraid to change anything. Like, I am actually terrified of life right now.

It’s because I’m moving into unfamiliar territory. There is so much shit that I’m open to learning about myself, it’s just that I’m scared to keep turning the pages to find out more. Every page so far has made me uncomfortable, but also a little bit intrigued. There is so much that I’ve already learned and I want to keep going, but I allow the negative self talk to take over sometimes. Last night I was exhausted. I put my head on the pillow and every bad thought ever decided to join me and chime in. And I actually said, out loud, NO, absolutely not. We are going the fuck to sleep! 

My priorities have shifted but I don’t know what the fuck to do with that information. I still stay frozen in place because stepping outside my comfort zone makes my brain go down the rabbit hole of horrible outcomes and it’s easier just to stay in my lane. I’m so afraid of what people will say if I do something different from the norm. I don’t want to have to explain myself until I’m blue in the face and still get judged anyway. People pleaser and fear of abandonment girl that I am still worries about shit like that. The good news is that I’m finally realizing that it doesn’t matter. If you’re going to judge me regardless, then why bother wasting my energy explaining myself? It’s funny because one of my favorite quotes, I quote it quite often, is “you could be the ripest, juiciest peach and there will still be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” so why don’t I just repeat it to myself a million times a day until it sinks in? 

It wouldn’t matter. I’m trying to undo 40+ years of never paying attention to what I need. Catering, happily, to everyone else. Please don’t get me wrong, I love helping and caring for people, it’s just that in doing so I’ve completely ignored my own needs. And now I’m here, and I’m fucking crawling in my skin and don’t know who I am. And that’s a really weird place to be when you’re a full grown adult. Unraveling in front of the people you love wasn’t really the vibe I was going for, it’s kind of embarrassing. 

Anyway, January was the longest month ever and feels like February is flying by already. 43 is quickly approaching and it’s further proof that life stops for no one. It doesn’t care what you’re going through, it goes on with or without you. So I’m just doing my best to be present and to keep a positive outlook. Last week, not so much, but I need to move into a better mindset and so that’s my goal this week. I’ve noticed changes and I’m proud of myself. 

Anyway, I wish you all well. As always, thanks for reading. Finally getting out of the victim mentality and moving into productivity. Baby steps, but they’re still steps. I can’t give up now, I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I’m always here if you need me 🙂

don’t stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos, though I know it’s blinding there’s a way out, say out loud, we will not give up on love now… no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus, just stay here, hold me in the dark and when the day appears we’ll say we did not give up on love today…

Song name: ORPHEUS/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2019

SAINT HONESTY

so we won’t sleep tonight while we brace against the wind, oh, these hearts, they’re weather-makers, we’ll go where they take us until we find ourselves shelter again… we won’t settle for the silence, we won’t drown in the tears, we’ll say every single word even if we think they’ll hurt, let the rain wash away these tears… rain on us, Saint Honesty, salvation is coming in the morning, and now what we need is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…

The last month has been a blur. I’m not okay but I’m doing my best. I’m still on this mission to heal and it’s killing me. I can’t eat much and when I do, I don’t feel right. The only reason why I sleep is because I’m too exhausted to stay awake. There is an empty pit in my stomach and my heart races 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And that’s just on regular days where there is absolutely nothing going on. 

On the days where shit is happening, I don’t know how but I manage to make it through. Just doing my best to make it through the day. I am fine most of the time. But that’s only because this seems to be my life now and I’ve gotten used to dealing with these feelings on a daily basis. I don’t want it to be that way, but I’m too exhausted to fight it.

There is the smallest glimmer of hope that things will change soon and that’s what keeps me going. It’s a tiny twinkle but it’s enough for me. When I manage to control the thoughts and think about all of the good that I have in my life, I genuinely smile and feel grateful. Some people don’t even have that, so that’s a win for me.

The problem with all of this healing is that a lot of shit is making its way out of me. And I’m faced with dusty ass skeletons making their way out of the closet. They make me feel unworthy and awful and creep out at the most inopportune times. They stop me in my tracks and make me want to run and hide. I have managed to isolate myself quite a bit and it’s better that way for now. There is a lot that I can’t cut out of my life or avoid though. And I’m learning how to cope with all of that without feeling guilty for taking the space that I need. Being uncomfortable and angry, but trying as hard as I can to handle it as gracefully as possible. The hardest part in all of this has been waking up to the realization that the important people in my life don’t understand me and might not ever be able to.

If I’m being honest, the most profound realization I’ve come to lately is that I’m toggling between two different worlds. And the longer I try to ignore it, the longer I’ll stay exactly where I am. But facing that fact is scary and makes me feel strange. So I lie to myself or ignore the issues because facing them is scary. This is the only way I know how to be. And it’s not working anymore. And taking that step outside of everything that I know makes me feel all the feelings. What if I change into something that no one recognizes and they don’t like it? Here’s the thing… I can’t care about that. 

The problem is that I still very much care about that. The good news is that I’m finally getting to a place where I care a little bit less. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely brutal and it’s unfortunate that there is a bright shining light on all of the things that make me the most unhappy. And I’m not okay with those things anymore. So at the very least, I’m grateful that I’m not turning a blind eye to those things anymore because it’s easier for everyone else. I’m in a really fucking dark place, and being able to see what makes me unhappiest has been a blessing. Because normally I would just ignore those things for the sake of everyone else. And I realize that I physically cannot do that anymore. So it’s a start.

Now I have to really start putting the work in. The work that I’ve been shoving aside for months and months. It’s time to start being completely honest with myself and working through all of this. I don’t want to be sad girl. Sad girl is not my destiny and I know that now. It feels like my soul is crying out and I can’t ignore it anymore. I get glimpses of what life could be like and I need to hold on tight to that and move with purpose.  I need to stop getting in my own way. I know what I need to do it’s just that breaking old patterns is difficult. But being hyper aware of it is part of the solution and quite frankly, I’m tired of this shit.

So I will say this much. If all you did this year was survive, CHEERS. You deserve a fucking medal! You don’t have to worry about the amazing year that you see your friends post on Instagram. People are out there living their best lives, and that’s AMAZING! I love seeing wonderful things happening for the people that I care about. But you don’t have to use other people’s prosperity as an example for where your life should be. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

2023 absolutely destroyed me. I’m standing in the ashes of everything that I was. And it’s bleak right now but all I see is a bright future ahead of me. The tears will eventually stop pouring out of me and everything will finally make sense. I know the potential and the strength that lives inside me. And in 2023 I allowed myself to break. But tomorrow when I wake up I won’t give into those bad thoughts or fears anymore. I can’t allow it anymore.

So here’s to better blog posts in 2024. Posts that involve moving out of this very dark place and into a place that serves me and my highest good. A lot of this will be a solo mission, but I have the support I need to push through it. I wish you all nothing but the best in 2024. I appreciate you and I am grateful I get to share this trash fire journey with you! I look forward to the new year and the new adventures ahead.

Goodbye 2023!

oh, we won’t let go, we’ll be soaked to the bone, baptized by truth, we will reap what we sow, build our own higher ground when the rain’s coming down, this is worth it to me, Saint Honesty… rain… salvation is coming in the morning, wait patiently, aiming straight for it, but now what we need, is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…

Song name: SAINT HONESTY/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019

WEIGHTLESS

manage me, I’m a mess, turn a page, I’m a book half unread, I wanna be laughed at, laughed with, just because, I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough… well I’m stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second-hand pick-me-up, and I’m over getting older… if I could just find the time then I would never let another day go by, I’m over getting old…

Day 79. It’s lonely here. It’s self-inflicted loneliness. Most of the time I’m in hermit mode. This shit is really heavy and going places and doing things has been difficult for me. I guess I’m just a giant sponge, unknowingly absorbing everyone’s energy and when I go to a place that’s outside my comfort zone right now, it sets me back quite a bit. I’m at a very strange point where I just feel generally uncomfortable 24/7 and I just don’t want to be around anyone. This is very much a ME problem, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

It’s hard to explain that to people. Especially people that rely on me. Trying to set boundaries when I don’t even know what the fuck I actually need is confusing. I’m trying to make sense of all of it and just can’t seem to grasp on to anything substantial. I try to research what I’m going through and get too many conflicting ideas and it becomes too much. I keep second guessing myself and wondering if this is what I think it is. And so I isolate even more. I’m a fucking downer right now. I’m trying so fucking hard but just can’t get to that point of surrender. Just letting all the bullshit go.

My anxiety is ridiculous. Still not sleeping. Thoughts never seem to stop. It still feels like I’m holding someone else’s energy. Just stuck in one place and crawling in my skin. It sucks right now because I’m in it and I know the only way out is through. Some serious adjustments need to be made in my life and it’s unfortunate that right now I’m too anxious about what will happen once they’re made. Letting go of trying to control the outcome of things will be a step in the right direction, but I can’t get my foot to take that step. I feel like I’m stuck at a broken traffic light and cars won’t stop coming so I can pass. I keep easing off the brake and rolling, but can’t cross the intersection.

I keep saying that I just want clarity, but I can’t seem to clear my head. I feel like I’m creating more chaos. And knowing that I’m doing it to myself doesn’t help at all. It just puts me further into self loathing mode. I don’t want to be this way, obviously. I just feel frozen with no drive to do more than the normal stuff just to get by. And every morning I wake up, exhausted, wondering if today will be the day that I feel better. Doing the grounding, saying the affirmations, reminding myself that I’m here for a reason even if I don’t know what it is. And somewhere along the line it all goes downhill. I still feel like something inside of me is craving that people pleasing validation even though the part of me that is shifting could care less. So there’s this constant battle going on and it’s infuriating. That one half of me that still can’t let go of whatever it’s hanging on to is a real pain in the ass.

It doesn’t help that people keep bringing it to my attention. People I see in my day to day make sure they keep me in check, even though I didn’t ask them to. Letting me know that I’m doing far too much and to turn the happy down. It’s fake anyway, so whatever. Or letting me know that I’m a total drab and that I need to adjust my attitude. It’s constant. Not doing enough. Doing too much. Can’t seem to get anything right. Haven’t been able to find that sweet spot that everyone else needs. I have given people the power to dictate how I should “be” and therein lies the problem. Flashing at me like a giant neon sign. And it takes every ounce of me to just breathe and not react. Outside opinions will often make it feel like personal growth really is impossible.

I’m doing my best today. I’m doing all I can to not let the terrible thoughts about myself consume me. When they creep in, I stop them in their tracks. I’m ignoring the need for validation today. I never realized how much I relied on it until I started paying attention. I’m tuning out the unrealistic expectations I put on others. Sitting here waiting for people to do what I need from them, when I have never actually expressed what I need from them. Riddle me that one? Breaking these egotistical patterns is really hard, but I’m sick of feeling this way and I need to start somewhere. This was another all over the place post, but I just wanted to get this crap out and try to move forward today. I cherish the little glimmers that bring out genuine happiness. And just keep blocking the rest. That’s the goal for today and I think it’s realistic.

As always, thanks for reading. I look forward to the day that I can tell you I made it through this trash fire. Until then…

maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year, and I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere… and this is my reaction to everything I fear, ‘cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t wanna waste another minute here…

Song name: WEIGHTLESS/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2009

MISGUIDED GHOSTS

I am going away for a while but I’ll be back don’t try and follow me, ’cause I’ll return as soon as possible… see, I’m trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe, we all learn to make mistakes and run from them, from them with no direction, we’ll run from them, from them, with no conviction… ’cause I’m just one of those ghosts travelin’ endlessly, don’t need no roads, in fact, they follow me and we just go in circles…

I wasn’t myself today. Whoever that is. I wasn’t her. I wasn’t anyone really. It felt like I starting back at day 1. Today is day 65. And I felt completely lost.

Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. It’s hard for me to explain. But it just kind of felt like I was there. And I just tried my hardest to stay under the radar because I didn’t know how to navigate through it. It was new for me and so I just tried to let it ride, whatever it was.

Everyone I came in contact with today made it a point to let me know that my usual cheery, albeit fake, disposition was missing today. Making a very big deal of the fact that I wasn’t being myself. Telling me I need to do better or fix whatever was happening because it was bothering them. I was still being so kind despite all of that. I didn’t react like I normally would. I just wanted them to let me be.

I came to a big realization today and it was validated as I scrolled through my friends’ stories on Instagram. A reel popped up that said “Be careful during your healing journey, some people like you better broken.” That sounds so incredibly harsh, but it’s the truth. This whole journey has been very difficult for me to navigate and I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But the saddest part about today, with everyone pecking at me about how I was in a bad mood, when I wasn’t in any mood, actually, made me realize that when I’m not who I was before I started this, I don’t make sense to them. And it’s not that I don’t still want to be that person who cares for people. It’s that caring about myself has become a priority and that’s weird for all of us.

I have done a lot of work but starting the day feeling like the slate was wiped clean felt like a failure at first. It got a little less heavy as the day went on. I felt a twinge of hope that maybe this was a good thing? I’m always feeling ALL the feelings, so to not have any felt foreign but was also kind of peaceful. I felt like a ghost, with no real purpose. I was just here/there, existing. And I’m not writing this as a cry for help or anything. I know this isn’t permanent and I’ll be fine. I felt the need to write about it because maybe somewhere out there in the world someone else is feeling this and needed to know they’re not alone. I don’t fucking know anymore.

I did the absolute best that I could today. I stayed as light as I could. I even walked away when I saw that I was about to be seriously triggered into a reaction. It makes me sad to think that I did absolutely nothing to anyone, but because I was going through something and wasn’t my normal self, that made people mad enough to keep bringing it up to the point of trying to get a reaction out of me. My unintentional peace, rattled them. That’s not a me problem, that’s a them problem.

I feel like I have always done everything that I’m supposed to do. I’ve kept it together for everyone even when it felt like I was about to fall apart. I’ve done everything that everyone has asked of me. I went through the motions because that was easier than fighting for myself. I was uncomfortable and sad and lost sight of my value. I can still do all the things, but I’m also allowed to focus on myself every now and then. I can’t put on a show to entertain everyone anymore. It’s my fault because I allowed it. And I’m here in this very weird void because of it. I want to give you the real me, I just need to find her.

My thoughts are always coming in at 1,000 per hour and today I didn’t even care. I paid them no mind. They were all trash. They were all ego driven and served no purpose. Half of them didn’t even make sense. The fact that I knew that and made it a point to ignore them is a huge testament to the progress I’ve made. There were no unnecessary panic attacks or spirals today. And the biggest improvement that I saw was that I did not change my behavior to accommodate anyone else, which is something that the people pleaser in me would have done.

I didn’t enjoy today, but I didn’t hate it. And I’m going to use whatever today was as a jumping off point. Because I’m not exhausted from a racing heart or so many adrenaline rushes for no reason. I’m actually doing alright I guess? Today showed me that I actually do have the ability to let things go and start putting the pieces of myself back together. Even if it’s taking longer than I’d like. Even if I have set backs. I have to keep going. There is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel and it feels like I got a tiny glimpse of it today.

Quick side note: lets try to do better. If you see someone you care about going through some shit, let them go through it. They’re not actively trying to ruin your day. They’ll talk it out with you if they feel like it. And I’m not saying we all need to walk around and feel each other’s feelings. But read the fucking room please. If you don’t want to be bothered with someone going through some shit, then don’t. Just walk the fuck away. That’s okay too.

Good things are coming, I know they are. I know that this is a necessary shift for me. I have spent so many days in the dark but I have faith that the light is on its way. I’m grateful that I have the ability to see that now. And I’m grateful for this journey. It’s complicated but so am I. It’s day 65 and I was a ghost. And that just has to be okay for now.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than I can express right now (insert heart hands here).

misguided ghosts travelin’ endlessly, the ones we trusted the most pushed us far away… and there’s no one road, and we should not be the same, but I’m just a ghost, and still they echo me, they echo me in circles…

Song name: MISGUIDED GHOSTS/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2009

SOMEWHERE I BELONG

when this began I had nothing to say and I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me, (I was confused), and I let it all out to find that I’m not the only person with these things in mind, (inside of me), but all the vacancy the words revealed
is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel, (nothing to lose), just stuck, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own, and the fault is my own…

Day 60

I have been consciously sitting with myself for 60 days. 60 days of every emotion you can think of making it’s way out of me every single day. 60 days of being uncomfortable, unsure of who I am and feeling like I’m wearing a mask. 60 long days with no end in sight. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten a little bit better. 60 days ago, I didn’t think that I would make it even one more day. I felt like I had nothing left. I know that’s not the case anymore. Obviously, I made it and continue to make it. I wish that I could say that 60 days ago I was just being dramatic or having a mid-life crisis, but it’s so much more than that. And I can’t explain it, so I’ll leave it at that.

So, what have I been doing? Well, I haven’t had any AH-HA moments or anything. It’s all very normal and seems like I already knew whatever things I have “discovered” about myself, but am finally acknowledging them. I’m realizing a lot of things that I don’t like. Whether it’s about myself directly or the way others treat me. I guess that’s a good start? I had been very comfortable living in a fog of ignoring things so that everyone else was alright, even if it meant that I wasn’t. And like I previously said, I am very fucking uncomfortable as the fog has been lifting.

I have been trying not to let myself be too much of a hermit. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere, that I’m just this awkward puzzle piece no one knows what to do with. It makes me feel strange and out of sorts. I have been trying really hard to talk things out and not let them eat me up. But most of the time I just feel like I’m rambling, not really making much sense. I keep saying that I just want clarity. I want my brain to stop feeling like it’s scrambled eggs. I want to start feeling like a 42 year old woman who has her life together and stop feeling like a lost little girl. It’s fucking infuriating. I just want to get to a good place, a place that makes sense, and some days that feels impossible.

Anyway, I’ve been stuck way longer than the last 60 days. I’ve become complacent and it’s not okay with me anymore. And every single day I ask loudly into the void “Can you please leave me alone and let me go back to the way it was before?! When I was just a doormat and my life was easy?! Please! I don’t want to do this anymore!” And the one thing that has not wavered this entire time is that every time I say something like that, I am shown that the answer to my question is NO, we cannot go back to the way it was before. That I have to keep going on this path, even if I’m kicking and screaming as I go.

I don’t see things in black and white. I see it all in color, or gray, depending on my mood. And I envy the people who can just see black or white. It must be really nice to be able to make decisions based on logic and facts without attaching any feelings to the decision or the outcome. If you’re like me and your heart, not your mind, guides you, we are pretty freakin’ hopeless, aren’t we? I wish that my heart and brain could agree with each other on literally anything. But it feels like there is this perpetual argument going on between them all day every day. It’s not that I don’t know how or have the ability to make logical decisions, it’s that the logical decisions don’t make sense to me. If it doesn’t feel right to me, it takes a lot of over thinking and convincing for me to make the correct choice.

I’ve been working in the shadows of myself. Figuring out triggers and why I react the way I do to certain people or things. It’s all buried in the depths of my soul and getting it out has been, you guessed it, uncomfortable. However, there are times throughout the day where I catch myself feeling some type of way about someone or something and I will actually stop and say out loud “STOP! Who fucking cares?! This does NOT matter!” And believe it or not, that helps a LOT. Because these stupid triggers, which I wasn’t even aware of, are insignificant to the person I’m trying to become. These are things that no longer serve me, and they’ve got to go. So taking a moment to stop them in their tracks has been really helpful. The point is to get to a place of response, not reaction.

The most uncomfortable thing about this whole journey has been realizing that I am the problem. The good news is that I’m also the solution. In this moment, I have no idea what will actually make me happy. Of course there are things in my life that bring happiness with them, and of course I’m grateful for those things. When I say “Happy”, I guess what I mean is what will ultimately get me to the point where being in this awful, negative headspace isn’t the norm. That the goal is to be content always, and when awful, negative stuff happens, it bothers me the correct way and I can feel it and then go back to being content. I’m tired of this end of the world feeling that I’ve got going on. That when good things happen to me, I’m afraid to embrace them because I’m waiting for the negative thing to swoop in and knock me on my ass. I self sabotage and ruin good things because I’m afraid of an outcome that I can’t predict. I don’t want to live like that anymore. There has to be a shift.

I know that I will never stop learning for as long as I live. I know that once I get to a good place there will always be more. I want to keep learning and growing, but getting to that good place where I feel like a whole person is the goal right now. Removing the negative feelings behind every single thing is my primary focus, it’s a poison and it’s unnecessary. And I promise you that I’m trying. I’m going to come out of this a better person, I just need a little more patience and perseverance, and most days I don’t even know where to find those things. I know that we are all a little broken, it’s what makes us beautiful in our own ways. I just need to keep working on healing the parts that can be healed. Anything beyond that will be a bonus.

If you made it to the end, as always, I appreciate you. Thanks for reading…

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real, I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long, (erase all the pain ’til it’s gone), I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real, I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along, somewhere I belong…

Song name: SOMEWHERE I BELONG/ Artist: Linkin Park/ Year: 2003