dark night of the soul – Page 3 – TALKING ON EGGSHELLS

OCEAN AVENUE

there’s a piece of you that’s here with me, it’s everywhere I go it’s everything I see, when I sleep I dream and it gets me by, I can make believe that you’re here tonight, that you’re here tonight…

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I don’t know what to write anymore. There’s a recent glimmer of light that is creeping in, and it feels like things are shifting, but I still feel a little stuck. I keep trying to use all of the tools and do all of the things that will help me, but then the rug gets pulled out from under me and I fall back a few steps. It’s incredibly sad and frustrating. It’s impossible to go, even, one day sometimes without having something sneak into my thoughts and I’m in tears. It’s really fucking weird. It’s the strangest feeling I’ve ever felt. It’s like this insane emptiness in my heart that hits me from out of nowhere and takes my breath away. No matter how often it happens, it always catches me off guard.

I keep hearing that thoughts manifest. I have some really great thoughts. But there are days where I don’t have many. Days like that are terrible actually. And I get terrified that the terrible thoughts will manifest. And I have a panic attack and lose my shit. It feels like it will be impossible to get clarity and peace at this rate. I am constantly worried that if I get too happy, or even stop being misery girl, for a minute longer than I should, the other shoe will drop and I’ll crumble again. What kind of fucking life is this?!

SIDE NOTE: I hope you don’t read these posts and think that I am not aware of the mental health issues that I’m writing on these pages. I am aware. I am just trying a different approach to pinpoint what is actually going on with me. I have written here before, and I will write it here again, I don’t need anyone’s judgement. If you see someone is going through a hard time, it won’t kill you to be gentle. I have been told recently that I should “find a therapist” and that I look terrible, I’ve lost weight and “you were already skinny, you can’t afford to lose more weight” and that I look like I’m “on the verge of a nervous breakdown”. Please don’t do that to people. Your tough love isn’t wanted or needed in this instance. As a person who has been on the receiving end of those comments, it ruins the whole fucking day and just sends the person into a shame spiral. So just don’t. The only positive thing to come out of your unnecessary commentary, is that the person now knows that you are not a safe space, and they can protect themselves from the nonsense going forward.

So I’m going to keep doing the inner work because that seems manageable for me. I can’t handle more than manageable right now, and I know that. About a week ago, I was looking through old videos on my phone and the saddest thing happened. I found some Instagram videos that I had posted last year around this time and I seemed so incredibly happy. And then I scrolled to a video of me, after everything felt like it fell apart inside of me, and there was no life in my eyes. No sparkle. I honestly didn’t think it was noticeable. I honestly thought I was doing my best to try to be that happy girl outwardly. And it was painfully clear to me that it was gone from one video to the next. Another eye opener…

Anyway, for a while now, it has felt like a piece of me was missing. It got me thinking about happiness and what that word/feeling actually means to me. What would it take for me to be happy? I never thought about it genuinely. I have no idea what that word means for me. In the grand scheme of things, my life was never really about making myself happy. And any time I did something that I thought would bring me happiness, I was told I was selfish. Or I was shamed for it. So I just stopped. I just started doing everything for everyone else and ignored my own needs. And now I’m here, and I guess it’s better late than never, but man what a mindfuck this is. So I know what I’ve been told should make me happy. In everyone else’s recipe for happiness, I have all the ingredients. But if I’ve learned anything at all this year, it’s that I’m not like everyone else and maybe it’s time to figure out a recipe of my own.

Please don’t get me wrong, I have moments that make me happy where I’m laughing and smiling for real and my heart feels so incredibly full. But to be content in life? I don’t know. Seems like I haven’t found that answer yet. I have so much, there’s no reason for me to be unhappy. You have food, running water and a roof over your head. You are loved and have more than most, what’s the problem? When I went back and really sat with myself and thought about this, I realized that I have heard, all of my life, that the people who love me just want me to be happy. But I just noticed that they want me to be their version of what they think happy should look like. When I don’t give people the reaction that they were expecting, automatically I am labeled as “no fun” or I’m told “there’s something wrong with you”. Even when I am giving a good reaction! It’s so incredibly disheartening. And now I know that in order for me to function around those people, I have to be completely over the top with my reactions, because it’s not safe for me to just be me.

This has been the most wonderfully heartbreaking year of my life. May 29th marks one year since I fell apart right before your very eyes. And I’ll be honest, as the date has been approaching, I have been increasingly anxious. Because I thought I would be further along by now. BUT, one year ago, I honestly didn’t think I would still be here to talk about it. And I know that makes us all uncomfortable, but it’s the truth. Every day was a struggle just to get through it. Every day was a struggle just to make it one more day. And yes, there are still some really painful moments, but I’m proud of myself for giving myself the time to process them and try to work through them instead of just falling apart.

My trip to Sicily really changed a lot of things for me. And I’m still processing all of it. I’ve been home for 2 months but my time there still replays in my head every day. Yes, I wish a different version of me had shown up for it, but it was an important part of me finding me. There’s still so much that I can’t even put into words. But I held myself back while I was there. I was paralyzed with fear because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to me that would ultimately disappoint everyone at home. And so I stayed scared when there was no reason to be. Every day I remind myself that I will go back. And every day I tell myself “I was there, and it was beautiful” because it really was. I see it when I close my eyes and I am holding on to all of it. As heartbroken as I am that I didn’t let myself be free, I learned so much about who I don’t want to be.

I appreciate the people in my life who have really been there, even when it was uncomfortable and confusing. I appreciate you sticking with me and being kind, patient and gentle with me, more than you will ever know. You have been my safe space when I needed it the most. Things are shifting in a good way, I promise. I am still trying to put all of the puzzle pieces in their places, sometimes the table gets flipped and I have to start over, but I’m doing it. There might be some missing pieces still, but I know I’ll find them. I am not the same person I was a year ago. And I’m getting to know her and she’s not that bad. She’s just different.

As always, thanks for coming along on this beautiful fucked up journey with me. Everything is fine, and even when it’s not, it will be…

P.S. I used this song today because the band released a new version of it. And it’s haunting but beautiful. And I highly recommend listening to it when you have a moment to yourself. The video is visually pleasing too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrdOg6kI-tE

if I could find you now things would get better, we could leave this town and run forever, I know somewhere somehow we’ll be together, let your waves crash down on me and take me away…

Song name: OCEAN AVENUE/ Artist: Yellowcard/ Year: 2003

INTO THE UNKNOWN

you’re not a voice, you’re just a ringing in my ear, and if I heard you, which I don’t, I’m spoken for I fear, everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls, I’m sorry, secret siren, but I’m blocking out your calls, I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new, I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow you into the unknown…

In the last couple of weeks I have taken some pretty large steps. They felt tiny at the time, but now that I’m sitting here writing it out, they were actually pretty large in relation to who I am. The last 10 months have been an absolute trash fire in terms of my emotions. I have not been able to get a handle on anything. Every time I felt like I was taking a few steps forward, it seemed that not long after I was going tumbling down a mountain only to have to get up and start all over again. Healing is a bitch. And it wasn’t really something that I thought I was ready or asking for, but it seems I really didn’t have a choice.

When all of this started, it felt like my entire foundation had shattered into a million pieces. And if it was going to be my job to rebuild it from the ground up, I wanted to make sure that I did it correctly. So I started digging into the history of my family. If I was going to figure out who I was and break the toxic generational cycles, I felt like it was best to start at the beginning. And when I took that step, weird shit started to happen. I started feeling drawn to one relative in particular. And so I followed whatever leads I could to learn more about her. I kept hitting dead ends. I can’t explain it, but it felt like she was pulling at me to keep digging. And after months and months of dead ends, I decided the only solution that made sense to me was to book a trip to Sicily so that I could visit her town and maybe learn more than I could learn from my computer.

So here I am, writing this, home from Sicily, with no more information than I had before I left. But going to that town felt like something I had to do. It didn’t feel like I had any other choice, I can’t explain it. There was a specific church I wanted to make sure I saw. I’m fairly certain my great-grandmother was named after the patron saint of the town, Sant’Egidio. Her name is Egidia and so that’s the story I’ve written in my head. Anyway, I wasn’t leaving that town without seeing that church. I wandered around, unsure of everything, but when I turned a corner and saw the church I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears started pouring out of my eyes. I knew I was in the right place before I could read the signage.

I stood there for a few minutes and breathed it all in. Honestly, how the fuck was I in Sicily, standing in front of this church? I had done so much research on the town and that church in particular, to be standing in front of it was unbelievable. The gratitude I felt in that moment was overwhelming. Although I didn’t get any other information about Egidia during my visit, just being where she once was felt really fucking special.

I’m going to be honest with you. My time in Sicily was pretty intense. I thought that I would arrive and get settled and everything would go according to how I planned it. I found myself extremely lost in every sense of the word. My nervous system was completely shot. I thought I needed a reset in the form of calm and clarity, instead I got absolute fucking chaos. And that is okay. I learned a lot of things in those moments. If I have learned anything on this journey so far it’s that things never unfold the way that I expect them to. They unfold the way I need them to. And honestly, I have delusional expectations sometimes. I don’t know what the fuck I thought was going to happen there, but all of this that I’m currently sorting through was not it.

I am very aware of my anxiety. It’s like a Siamese twin that I can’t surgically remove. I’m familiar with it and I know how it works. The level of fear and anxiety I had been dealing with while I was there was something I hadn’t felt in at least 25 years. I felt like a lost child and I found out the hard way that I am terrible at self soothing. So that was a big eye opener for me. I never realized how much I rely on others to talk me off of ledges. That is something that I have been working on since I got home.

I had to make a lot of unexpected changes while I was there. Moving towns, hotels and changing flights was my M.O. The nights were very long and lonely. I found it very hard to sleep. I found it very hard to calm down. The amount of dread that I felt, fearing that if I made a wrong move that I would somehow make things worse. It was absolute fucking insanity. I mapped everything out prior because of my anxiety, and everything got turned completely upside down anyway.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, so I’m sorry if it seems that way in context. Being able to go there and take in every bit of beauty that is Sicily was an absolute blessing. Seeing Mount Etna was another really emotional moment for me. The fact that I was able to drive in Sicily also blew my mind. I can’t tell you how many videos I watched to get myself prepared. Driving was the thing I feared the most before I got there, and it ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. I saw almost the entire east coast of Sicily from Catania all the way to Milazzo. How fucking incredible is that?!

The only regret that is still lingering is that I didn’t see more. I am sad that I thought I had all of my demons under control only to find out that they were still lurking just below the surface ready to attack at the most inopportune time. I am angry that I allowed irrational thoughts and fears to take the wheel and drive this trip. Not only did I not have a long time there, but the time I had was not used wisely. The problem was not Sicily, the problem was me and that’s something I’m still kind of upset about.

It’s just the tiniest feeling of heartache that I’m left with. There was heartache to return home while I was there. A level of homesickness that I hadn’t anticipated or prepared myself for. And heartache now that I missed out on so much. Some people don’t even get the opportunity to leave their world, and there I was, in my hotel rooms in these beautiful towns, too afraid to move. It was just a beautiful disaster and I feel really silly about it now.

Again, I know it may not look like it, but I am so grateful that I got the opportunity to go, I just wish a different version of me would have shown up for it. Rather than harp on the regret, I am a goddamn professional at it at this point (eye roll), I want to talk about the positive takeaways. Anyone I’ve spoken to, whether it was during or after, has given me credit for taking a solo journey like this. And I’m going to jump on that train too. This was so completely unlike anything I’ve ever done and I’m going to give myself credit for it. I did the thing. And yea, maybe it didn’t all go as planned, BUT with every thing that made me uncomfortable, I was able to adjust and make necessary changes despite the discomfort. I drove over 200 kilometers, on major highways, through small towns, beat language barriers and stood in the places of my ancestors. That sounds so incredibly corny, but I can’t tell you how fucking proud I feel for doing all of that. It’s very rare that I’m proud of myself for anything, but this feels warranted.

To close out this post, I want to give you some advice. I don’t feel I have the right to be giving out tips and tricks for life most of the time, but these are things I feel confident about. 1. Do it scared. If something is out of your comfort zone, but it’s something that you’re serious about, fucking do it. 2. Don’t let anyone, no matter who they are, dissuade you from doing the thing you want to do because of their irrational fears. I almost didn’t take this trip because of outside chatter and my need to people please. I’m lucky that I have people in my life who wouldn’t allow me to give up. If you need someone like that in your life, I will be that person. Do. The. Fucking. Thing. Even if spite is driving you to prove the naysayers wrong, just go and get it done.

There are currently a lot of open wounds that are making their way through the healing process and I’m going to need a little more time to sort through what I actually need. Making myself a priority has been the most difficult for me and this trip really helped me realize a lot of things. I went to Sicily to find her and instead I found me. A version of me that I’m not pleased with, at the moment, but still. I am meant for more than all of this emotional turmoil, but the only way out is through. I don’t know when, but I will make my way back to Sicily. My work there is not done, but at least now I’m armed with a wealth of knowledge and experience, and that’s pretty fucking sweet.

As always, thanks for reading…

are you someone out there who’s a little bit like me, who knows deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be? every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow, don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go into the unknown? where are you going? don’t leave me alone, how do I follow you into the unknown?

Song name: INTO THE UNKNOWN/ Artist: Idina Menzel, AURORA (Frozen 2 Soundtrack)/ Year: 2019

ORPHEUS (Part II)

I’ll show you good, restore your faith, I’ll try and somehow make a meaning of the poison in this place, convince you love, don’t breathe it in, you were written in the stars that we are swimming in, and it has no name, no guarantee, it’s just the promise of a day I know that some may never see, but that’s enough, if the bottom drops out I hope my love was someone else’s solid ground…

I don’t really have a lot to say. I am stuck in a seemingly endless loop of life trying to claw my way out. I am seeing the same patterns repeating over and over again, and I’m pretty tired of it. I keep saying that I want to change. That I want things to be different. And here I am, too afraid to change anything. Like, I am actually terrified of life right now.

It’s because I’m moving into unfamiliar territory. There is so much shit that I’m open to learning about myself, it’s just that I’m scared to keep turning the pages to find out more. Every page so far has made me uncomfortable, but also a little bit intrigued. There is so much that I’ve already learned and I want to keep going, but I allow the negative self talk to take over sometimes. Last night I was exhausted. I put my head on the pillow and every bad thought ever decided to join me and chime in. And I actually said, out loud, NO, absolutely not. We are going the fuck to sleep!

My priorities have shifted but I don’t know what the fuck to do with that information. I still stay frozen in place because stepping outside my comfort zone makes my brain go down the rabbit hole of horrible outcomes and it’s easier just to stay in my lane. I’m so afraid of what people will say if I do something different from the norm. I don’t want to have to explain myself until I’m blue in the face and still get judged anyway. People pleaser and fear of abandonment girl that I am still worries about shit like that. The good news is that I’m finally realizing that it doesn’t matter. If you’re going to judge me regardless, then why bother wasting my energy explaining myself? It’s funny because one of my favorite quotes, I quote it quite often, is “you could be the ripest, juiciest peach and there will still be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” so why don’t I just repeat it to myself a million times a day until it sinks in?

It wouldn’t matter. I’m trying to undo 40+ years of never paying attention to what I need. Catering, happily, to everyone else. Please don’t get me wrong, I love helping and caring for people, it’s just that in doing so I’ve completely ignored my own needs. And now I’m here, and I’m fucking crawling in my skin and don’t know who I am. And that’s a really weird place to be when you’re a full grown adult. Unraveling in front of the people you love wasn’t really the vibe I was going for, it’s kind of embarrassing.

Anyway, January was the longest month ever and feels like February is flying by already. 43 is quickly approaching and it’s further proof that life stops for no one. It doesn’t care what you’re going through, it goes on with or without you. So I’m just doing my best to be present and to keep a positive outlook. Last week, not so much, but I need to move into a better mindset and so that’s my goal this week. I’ve noticed changes and I’m proud of myself.

Anyway, I wish you all well. As always, thanks for reading. Finally getting out of the victim mentality and moving into productivity. Baby steps, but they’re still steps. I can’t give up now, I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I’m always here if you need me 🙂

don’t stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos, though I know it’s blinding there’s a way out, say out loud, we will not give up on love now… no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus, just stay here, hold me in the dark and when the day appears we’ll say we did not give up on love today…

Song name: ORPHEUS/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2019

SAINT HONESTY

so we won’t sleep tonight while we brace against the wind, oh, these hearts, they’re weather-makers, we’ll go where they take us until we find ourselves shelter again… we won’t settle for the silence, we won’t drown in the tears, we’ll say every single word even if we think they’ll hurt, let the rain wash away these tears… rain on us, Saint Honesty, salvation is coming in the morning, and now what we need is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…

The last month has been a blur. I’m not okay but I’m doing my best. I’m still on this mission to heal and it’s killing me. I can’t eat much and when I do, I don’t feel right. The only reason why I sleep is because I’m too exhausted to stay awake. There is an empty pit in my stomach and my heart races 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And that’s just on regular days where there is absolutely nothing going on.

On the days where shit is happening, I don’t know how but I manage to make it through. Just doing my best to make it through the day. I am fine most of the time. But that’s only because this seems to be my life now and I’ve gotten used to dealing with these feelings on a daily basis. I don’t want it to be that way, but I’m too exhausted to fight it.

There is the smallest glimmer of hope that things will change soon and that’s what keeps me going. It’s a tiny twinkle but it’s enough for me. When I manage to control the thoughts and think about all of the good that I have in my life, I genuinely smile and feel grateful. Some people don’t even have that, so that’s a win for me.

The problem with all of this healing is that a lot of shit is making its way out of me. And I’m faced with dusty ass skeletons making their way out of the closet. They make me feel unworthy and awful and creep out at the most inopportune times. They stop me in my tracks and make me want to run and hide. I have managed to isolate myself quite a bit and it’s better that way for now. There is a lot that I can’t cut out of my life or avoid though. And I’m learning how to cope with all of that without feeling guilty for taking the space that I need. Being uncomfortable and angry, but trying as hard as I can to handle it as gracefully as possible. The hardest part in all of this has been waking up to the realization that the important people in my life don’t understand me and might not ever be able to.

If I’m being honest, the most profound realization I’ve come to lately is that I’m toggling between two different worlds. And the longer I try to ignore it, the longer I’ll stay exactly where I am. But facing that fact is scary and makes me feel strange. So I lie to myself or ignore the issues because facing them is scary. This is the only way I know how to be. And it’s not working anymore. And taking that step outside of everything that I know makes me feel all the feelings. What if I change into something that no one recognizes and they don’t like it? Here’s the thing… I can’t care about that.

The problem is that I still very much care about that. The good news is that I’m finally getting to a place where I care a little bit less. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely brutal and it’s unfortunate that there is a bright shining light on all of the things that make me the most unhappy. And I’m not okay with those things anymore. So at the very least, I’m grateful that I’m not turning a blind eye to those things anymore because it’s easier for everyone else. I’m in a really fucking dark place, and being able to see what makes me unhappiest has been a blessing. Because normally I would just ignore those things for the sake of everyone else. And I realize that I physically cannot do that anymore. So it’s a start.

Now I have to really start putting the work in. The work that I’ve been shoving aside for months and months. It’s time to start being completely honest with myself and working through all of this. I don’t want to be sad girl. Sad girl is not my destiny and I know that now. It feels like my soul is crying out and I can’t ignore it anymore. I get glimpses of what life could be like and I need to hold on tight to that and move with purpose. I need to stop getting in my own way. I know what I need to do it’s just that breaking old patterns is difficult. But being hyper aware of it is part of the solution and quite frankly, I’m tired of this shit.

So I will say this much. If all you did this year was survive, CHEERS. You deserve a fucking medal! You don’t have to worry about the amazing year that you see your friends post on Instagram. People are out there living their best lives, and that’s AMAZING! I love seeing wonderful things happening for the people that I care about. But you don’t have to use other people’s prosperity as an example for where your life should be. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

2023 absolutely destroyed me. I’m standing in the ashes of everything that I was. And it’s bleak right now but all I see is a bright future ahead of me. The tears will eventually stop pouring out of me and everything will finally make sense. I know the potential and the strength that lives inside me. And in 2023 I allowed myself to break. But tomorrow when I wake up I won’t give into those bad thoughts or fears anymore. I can’t allow it anymore.

So here’s to better blog posts in 2024. Posts that involve moving out of this very dark place and into a place that serves me and my highest good. A lot of this will be a solo mission, but I have the support I need to push through it. I wish you all nothing but the best in 2024. I appreciate you and I am grateful I get to share this trash fire journey with you! I look forward to the new year and the new adventures ahead.

Goodbye 2023!

oh, we won’t let go, we’ll be soaked to the bone, baptized by truth, we will reap what we sow, build our own higher ground when the rain’s coming down, this is worth it to me, Saint Honesty… rain… salvation is coming in the morning, wait patiently, aiming straight for it, but now what we need, is a little rain on our face from you, sweet Saint Honesty…

Song name: SAINT HONESTY/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019

WEIGHTLESS

manage me, I’m a mess, turn a page, I’m a book half unread, I wanna be laughed at, laughed with, just because, I wanna feel weightless and that should be enough… well I’m stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second-hand pick-me-up, and I’m over getting older… if I could just find the time then I would never let another day go by, I’m over getting old…

Day 79. It’s lonely here. It’s self-inflicted loneliness. Most of the time I’m in hermit mode. This shit is really heavy and going places and doing things has been difficult for me. I guess I’m just a giant sponge, unknowingly absorbing everyone’s energy and when I go to a place that’s outside my comfort zone right now, it sets me back quite a bit. I’m at a very strange point where I just feel generally uncomfortable 24/7 and I just don’t want to be around anyone. This is very much a ME problem, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

It’s hard to explain that to people. Especially people that rely on me. Trying to set boundaries when I don’t even know what the fuck I actually need is confusing. I’m trying to make sense of all of it and just can’t seem to grasp on to anything substantial. I try to research what I’m going through and get too many conflicting ideas and it becomes too much. I keep second guessing myself and wondering if this is what I think it is. And so I isolate even more. I’m a fucking downer right now. I’m trying so fucking hard but just can’t get to that point of surrender. Just letting all the bullshit go.

My anxiety is ridiculous. Still not sleeping. Thoughts never seem to stop. It still feels like I’m holding someone else’s energy. Just stuck in one place and crawling in my skin. It sucks right now because I’m in it and I know the only way out is through. Some serious adjustments need to be made in my life and it’s unfortunate that right now I’m too anxious about what will happen once they’re made. Letting go of trying to control the outcome of things will be a step in the right direction, but I can’t get my foot to take that step. I feel like I’m stuck at a broken traffic light and cars won’t stop coming so I can pass. I keep easing off the brake and rolling, but can’t cross the intersection.

I keep saying that I just want clarity, but I can’t seem to clear my head. I feel like I’m creating more chaos. And knowing that I’m doing it to myself doesn’t help at all. It just puts me further into self loathing mode. I don’t want to be this way, obviously. I just feel frozen with no drive to do more than the normal stuff just to get by. And every morning I wake up, exhausted, wondering if today will be the day that I feel better. Doing the grounding, saying the affirmations, reminding myself that I’m here for a reason even if I don’t know what it is. And somewhere along the line it all goes downhill. I still feel like something inside of me is craving that people pleasing validation even though the part of me that is shifting could care less. So there’s this constant battle going on and it’s infuriating. That one half of me that still can’t let go of whatever it’s hanging on to is a real pain in the ass.

It doesn’t help that people keep bringing it to my attention. People I see in my day to day make sure they keep me in check, even though I didn’t ask them to. Letting me know that I’m doing far too much and to turn the happy down. It’s fake anyway, so whatever. Or letting me know that I’m a total drab and that I need to adjust my attitude. It’s constant. Not doing enough. Doing too much. Can’t seem to get anything right. Haven’t been able to find that sweet spot that everyone else needs. I have given people the power to dictate how I should “be” and therein lies the problem. Flashing at me like a giant neon sign. And it takes every ounce of me to just breathe and not react. Outside opinions will often make it feel like personal growth really is impossible.

I’m doing my best today. I’m doing all I can to not let the terrible thoughts about myself consume me. When they creep in, I stop them in their tracks. I’m ignoring the need for validation today. I never realized how much I relied on it until I started paying attention. I’m tuning out the unrealistic expectations I put on others. Sitting here waiting for people to do what I need from them, when I have never actually expressed what I need from them. Riddle me that one? Breaking these egotistical patterns is really hard, but I’m sick of feeling this way and I need to start somewhere. This was another all over the place post, but I just wanted to get this crap out and try to move forward today. I cherish the little glimmers that bring out genuine happiness. And just keep blocking the rest. That’s the goal for today and I think it’s realistic.

As always, thanks for reading. I look forward to the day that I can tell you I made it through this trash fire. Until then…

maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year, and I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere… and this is my reaction to everything I fear, ‘cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t wanna waste another minute here…

Song name: WEIGHTLESS/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2009

MISGUIDED GHOSTS

I am going away for a while but I’ll be back don’t try and follow me, ’cause I’ll return as soon as possible… see, I’m trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe, we all learn to make mistakes and run from them, from them with no direction, we’ll run from them, from them, with no conviction… ’cause I’m just one of those ghosts travelin’ endlessly, don’t need no roads, in fact, they follow me and we just go in circles…

I wasn’t myself today. Whoever that is. I wasn’t her. I wasn’t anyone really. It felt like I starting back at day 1. Today is day 65. And I felt completely lost.

Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. It’s hard for me to explain. But it just kind of felt like I was there. And I just tried my hardest to stay under the radar because I didn’t know how to navigate through it. It was new for me and so I just tried to let it ride, whatever it was.

Everyone I came in contact with today made it a point to let me know that my usual cheery, albeit fake, disposition was missing today. Making a very big deal of the fact that I wasn’t being myself. Telling me I need to do better or fix whatever was happening because it was bothering them. I was still being so kind despite all of that. I didn’t react like I normally would. I just wanted them to let me be.

I came to a big realization today and it was validated as I scrolled through my friends’ stories on Instagram. A reel popped up that said “Be careful during your healing journey, some people like you better broken.” That sounds so incredibly harsh, but it’s the truth. This whole journey has been very difficult for me to navigate and I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But the saddest part about today, with everyone pecking at me about how I was in a bad mood, when I wasn’t in any mood, actually, made me realize that when I’m not who I was before I started this, I don’t make sense to them. And it’s not that I don’t still want to be that person who cares for people. It’s that caring about myself has become a priority and that’s weird for all of us.

I have done a lot of work but starting the day feeling like the slate was wiped clean felt like a failure at first. It got a little less heavy as the day went on. I felt a twinge of hope that maybe this was a good thing? I’m always feeling ALL the feelings, so to not have any felt foreign but was also kind of peaceful. I felt like a ghost, with no real purpose. I was just here/there, existing. And I’m not writing this as a cry for help or anything. I know this isn’t permanent and I’ll be fine. I felt the need to write about it because maybe somewhere out there in the world someone else is feeling this and needed to know they’re not alone. I don’t fucking know anymore.

I did the absolute best that I could today. I stayed as light as I could. I even walked away when I saw that I was about to be seriously triggered into a reaction. It makes me sad to think that I did absolutely nothing to anyone, but because I was going through something and wasn’t my normal self, that made people mad enough to keep bringing it up to the point of trying to get a reaction out of me. My unintentional peace, rattled them. That’s not a me problem, that’s a them problem.

I feel like I have always done everything that I’m supposed to do. I’ve kept it together for everyone even when it felt like I was about to fall apart. I’ve done everything that everyone has asked of me. I went through the motions because that was easier than fighting for myself. I was uncomfortable and sad and lost sight of my value. I can still do all the things, but I’m also allowed to focus on myself every now and then. I can’t put on a show to entertain everyone anymore. It’s my fault because I allowed it. And I’m here in this very weird void because of it. I want to give you the real me, I just need to find her.

My thoughts are always coming in at 1,000 per hour and today I didn’t even care. I paid them no mind. They were all trash. They were all ego driven and served no purpose. Half of them didn’t even make sense. The fact that I knew that and made it a point to ignore them is a huge testament to the progress I’ve made. There were no unnecessary panic attacks or spirals today. And the biggest improvement that I saw was that I did not change my behavior to accommodate anyone else, which is something that the people pleaser in me would have done.

I didn’t enjoy today, but I didn’t hate it. And I’m going to use whatever today was as a jumping off point. Because I’m not exhausted from a racing heart or so many adrenaline rushes for no reason. I’m actually doing alright I guess? Today showed me that I actually do have the ability to let things go and start putting the pieces of myself back together. Even if it’s taking longer than I’d like. Even if I have set backs. I have to keep going. There is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel and it feels like I got a tiny glimpse of it today.

Quick side note: lets try to do better. If you see someone you care about going through some shit, let them go through it. They’re not actively trying to ruin your day. They’ll talk it out with you if they feel like it. And I’m not saying we all need to walk around and feel each other’s feelings. But read the fucking room please. If you don’t want to be bothered with someone going through some shit, then don’t. Just walk the fuck away. That’s okay too.

Good things are coming, I know they are. I know that this is a necessary shift for me. I have spent so many days in the dark but I have faith that the light is on its way. I’m grateful that I have the ability to see that now. And I’m grateful for this journey. It’s complicated but so am I. It’s day 65 and I was a ghost. And that just has to be okay for now.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than I can express right now (insert heart hands here).

misguided ghosts travelin’ endlessly, the ones we trusted the most pushed us far away… and there’s no one road, and we should not be the same, but I’m just a ghost, and still they echo me, they echo me in circles…

Song name: MISGUIDED GHOSTS/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2009

SOMEWHERE I BELONG

when this began I had nothing to say and I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me, (I was confused), and I let it all out to find that I’m not the only person with these things in mind, (inside of me), but all the vacancy the words revealed
is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel, (nothing to lose), just stuck, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own, and the fault is my own…

Day 60

I have been consciously sitting with myself for 60 days. 60 days of every emotion you can think of making it’s way out of me every single day. 60 days of being uncomfortable, unsure of who I am and feeling like I’m wearing a mask. 60 long days with no end in sight. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten a little bit better. 60 days ago, I didn’t think that I would make it even one more day. I felt like I had nothing left. I know that’s not the case anymore. Obviously, I made it and continue to make it. I wish that I could say that 60 days ago I was just being dramatic or having a mid-life crisis, but it’s so much more than that. And I can’t explain it, so I’ll leave it at that.

So, what have I been doing? Well, I haven’t had any AH-HA moments or anything. It’s all very normal and seems like I already knew whatever things I have “discovered” about myself, but am finally acknowledging them. I’m realizing a lot of things that I don’t like. Whether it’s about myself directly or the way others treat me. I guess that’s a good start? I had been very comfortable living in a fog of ignoring things so that everyone else was alright, even if it meant that I wasn’t. And like I previously said, I am very fucking uncomfortable as the fog has been lifting.

I have been trying not to let myself be too much of a hermit. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere, that I’m just this awkward puzzle piece no one knows what to do with. It makes me feel strange and out of sorts. I have been trying really hard to talk things out and not let them eat me up. But most of the time I just feel like I’m rambling, not really making much sense. I keep saying that I just want clarity. I want my brain to stop feeling like it’s scrambled eggs. I want to start feeling like a 42 year old woman who has her life together and stop feeling like a lost little girl. It’s fucking infuriating. I just want to get to a good place, a place that makes sense, and some days that feels impossible.

Anyway, I’ve been stuck way longer than the last 60 days. I’ve become complacent and it’s not okay with me anymore. And every single day I ask loudly into the void “Can you please leave me alone and let me go back to the way it was before?! When I was just a doormat and my life was easy?! Please! I don’t want to do this anymore!” And the one thing that has not wavered this entire time is that every time I say something like that, I am shown that the answer to my question is NO, we cannot go back to the way it was before. That I have to keep going on this path, even if I’m kicking and screaming as I go.

I don’t see things in black and white. I see it all in color, or gray, depending on my mood. And I envy the people who can just see black or white. It must be really nice to be able to make decisions based on logic and facts without attaching any feelings to the decision or the outcome. If you’re like me and your heart, not your mind, guides you, we are pretty freakin’ hopeless, aren’t we? I wish that my heart and brain could agree with each other on literally anything. But it feels like there is this perpetual argument going on between them all day every day. It’s not that I don’t know how or have the ability to make logical decisions, it’s that the logical decisions don’t make sense to me. If it doesn’t feel right to me, it takes a lot of over thinking and convincing for me to make the correct choice.

I’ve been working in the shadows of myself. Figuring out triggers and why I react the way I do to certain people or things. It’s all buried in the depths of my soul and getting it out has been, you guessed it, uncomfortable. However, there are times throughout the day where I catch myself feeling some type of way about someone or something and I will actually stop and say out loud “STOP! Who fucking cares?! This does NOT matter!” And believe it or not, that helps a LOT. Because these stupid triggers, which I wasn’t even aware of, are insignificant to the person I’m trying to become. These are things that no longer serve me, and they’ve got to go. So taking a moment to stop them in their tracks has been really helpful. The point is to get to a place of response, not reaction.

The most uncomfortable thing about this whole journey has been realizing that I am the problem. The good news is that I’m also the solution. In this moment, I have no idea what will actually make me happy. Of course there are things in my life that bring happiness with them, and of course I’m grateful for those things. When I say “Happy”, I guess what I mean is what will ultimately get me to the point where being in this awful, negative headspace isn’t the norm. That the goal is to be content always, and when awful, negative stuff happens, it bothers me the correct way and I can feel it and then go back to being content. I’m tired of this end of the world feeling that I’ve got going on. That when good things happen to me, I’m afraid to embrace them because I’m waiting for the negative thing to swoop in and knock me on my ass. I self sabotage and ruin good things because I’m afraid of an outcome that I can’t predict. I don’t want to live like that anymore. There has to be a shift.

I know that I will never stop learning for as long as I live. I know that once I get to a good place there will always be more. I want to keep learning and growing, but getting to that good place where I feel like a whole person is the goal right now. Removing the negative feelings behind every single thing is my primary focus, it’s a poison and it’s unnecessary. And I promise you that I’m trying. I’m going to come out of this a better person, I just need a little more patience and perseverance, and most days I don’t even know where to find those things. I know that we are all a little broken, it’s what makes us beautiful in our own ways. I just need to keep working on healing the parts that can be healed. Anything beyond that will be a bonus.

If you made it to the end, as always, I appreciate you. Thanks for reading…

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real, I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long, (erase all the pain ’til it’s gone), I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real, I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along, somewhere I belong…

Song name: SOMEWHERE I BELONG/ Artist: Linkin Park/ Year: 2003

FREE

sometimes I wonder if I should be medicated, if I would feel better just slightly sedated, a feeling comes so fast and I cannot control it, I’m on fire, but I’m trying not to show it… as it picks me up, puts me down, a hundred times a day…

Day 36…

36 days have passed since my whole world shifted. But who’s counting, right? Been doing a lot of work, not seeing instant results and so I’m frustrated. There are more dark days than light. I cherish the light days and try to carry them with me into the next day but it feels like I hold on to them so tight that I crush them. There are never 2 light days in a row. There are never 2 good sleep nights in a row. The only continuity in this journey is that nothing is continuous. Every day is just a clean slate and I never know what it will look like until I’m in it.

I’ve been working on a lot of things, but I still have these feelings of total confusion and uneasiness at all times. I have nothing to be anxious about currently. I am doing my best to stay present, not dwell in the past or look into the future beyond today. It’s almost like I’m holding someone else’s energy, which sounds absolutely bat shit crazy, I know. I know that I have a lot of unresolved shit bubbling to the surface, but I don’t feel bad when those things make their way out. It’s in those moments where I feel peace, even if it’s only for a moment. It feels nice. Again, I try to grasp onto it, but it’s only a moment. It passes and I go right back to feeling uneasy and out of sorts. And I’m saying that it’s not my energy because I am unfamiliar with these things that I’m feeling. I’ve been anxious my whole life, I know that that feels like. This shit that I’m feeling doesn’t feel like mine. And yes, I’m aware of how crazy that sounds…

Yesterday started off really great. I got to step out of my mind at an art exhibit. It’s nice to sit and enjoy something that takes over the majority of your senses and quiets the internal chaos. And I’ve been trying to do more things like that because they bring me peace. By the time the afternoon had rolled around, everything I experienced earlier in the day felt like a very distant memory. I kept trying to remind myself what it felt like and that I took videos of my favorite parts so that I could go there whenever I wanted to. But the problem is, when I get these really weird feelings, I freeze. It’s almost like I forget how to just be. Everything feels wrong and the desire to make it right is nonexistent.

I was going to visit with my grandmother and I remember saying, out loud in my car before I got out, “Please leave me alone while I visit my grandmother. Please just give me 30 minutes of peace.” I was not granted 30 minutes of peace, maybe 5, tops. When I got home I did my best to keep those weird feelings at bay. I spent time with my husband and puppy and watched shows and talked about things that made me happy. As much as I try to get away from this whole thing and proclaim, with the utmost confidence, that I am done and that I don’t want to be on this journey anymore, the universe always manages to send me signs to keep going. I feel gratitude and resentment at the same time.

There is still so much I need to fix and I’m exhausted. I gave myself one goal this past weekend: to find a tiny box where I kept my most important jewelry. I have been periodically looking for it for months and trying not to freak out about it, I knew it was in my house somewhere. I hid it too well I guess. Anyway, Saturday hit the peak of “absolutely freak out about it mode” and I was inconsolable. My husband didn’t know how to help me. I was furious with myself for being so mixed up lately that I couldn’t remember where I hid a box that had my grandmother’s ring in it. I gave up and sat in the living room feeling sorry for myself. My husband called me into the bedroom a few minutes later. Poor guy, I don’t know how he deals with me. But he looked in the one spot I didn’t think to look and found the box. And I immediately hugged him and broke down in happy tears. And the reason why I put it there came back to me immediately and I felt so stupid that I let myself spiral the way I did. I got to the point where I was freaking out so much that I couldn’t even think straight. Thank God my husband still had his wits about him and saved the day.

It’s hard for me to put into words all the shit that I’m going through. And I’m sorry that these posts have been a little cuckoo bananas lately. It’s more than I can handle right now, but somehow I’m handling it. And I have no idea if I’m even doing the right things but I’m doing my best. There is still so much that I don’t understand. Some days I’m really eager to learn, and other days I feel like I’ll never be able to move forward. Everything still feels so unstable and I just want some clarity. I have to trust that if I keep doing the work, it will come. It still feels so selfish to me to take time and take care of myself, but it also feels like I don’t have a choice. Every time I try to ignore it, it pulls me back in.

I am trying to walk through this thing with as much grace as possible. I’m trying so hard to get to the bottom of it so that I can stop feeling this way. This is some soul level shit that I’ve never dealt with before and I’m just trying to deal with it as gracefully as possible. I know this is a very weird and different thing for most people to understand, so I don’t want to scare anyone away. And I really do appreciate the amount of support that I’ve gotten during this time. I don’t know how much longer this will go on, but I don’t want wear out my welcome so I mostly keep to myself about all of it.

Anyway, I’m good, I promise. I hate this journey right now but I’m grateful for it. I know that it’s leading me to be the best version of myself and that I need to approach it with more patience. I will get there. If you made it to the end, I appreciate it very much. If you don’t mind coming along for this wild ride, I’m happy to share it…

but I hear the music, I feel the beat, and for a moment, when I’m dancing, I am free…

Song name: FREE/ Artist: Florence + the Machine/ Year: 2022