this one’s for the lonely child, brokenhearted, running wild, this was written for the one to blame, one who believe they are the cause of chaos and everything, you may find yourself in the dead of night, lost somewhere up in the great big beautiful sky, you were all just perfect little satellites, spinning round and round this broken earthly life, this is so you’ll know the sound of someone who loves you from the ground, tonight you’re not alone at all, this is me sending out my satellite call…
I slept like shit last night. I woke up a few times, fell back asleep, finally on the last time I got out of bed to come and sit on the couch. I was fine with it. I knew I would nap again around the 6:00 hour. It’s the same bullshit every day. The only difference between weekdays and weekends is that my nap starts a little later and I can sleep more than 3o minutes on the couch. I am beyond exhausted. When I get more than 4 hours sleep, it’s exciting. And that’s also bullshit because why am I praising the bare fucking minimum? I should be able to fucking sleep.
My day started normally. I was fine. I did a lot yesterday and knew that I would be glued to the couch for the day. But I’m hormonal and bitchy and I don’t know why I was caught off guard when my mood changed this afternoon. I had to run to the store to get something. A song shuffled while I was in the car for, I don’t know, 10 minutes? And I pulled over a block away from home so that I could sob my eyes out. Sobbing. I’m fine, I promise. I am just never at rest. Never at peace. Always feeling like a failure. Always feeling like I’m doing something wrong. Always feeling like a bad person. And sometimes a song shuffles and I’m in tears. Because there are too many things swirling in my brain pointing me in that direction and I just have to give in.
And crying once a week doesn’t phase me anymore. I used to cry like this DAILY, so we are moving fucking mountains over here. But it’s like this purge of all the shit that I can’t control making it’s way out of my body and I have to let it. Usually I feel better after and I move on with my day. Today was not one of those days. Because of the hormones, I am sad girl, and I know that tomorrow will be better.
Why am I writing it here, again? Because I fucking need to, that’s why. I don’t know. I felt the need to write about all of this. Whatever the reason, it’s here. And I know it’s just one moment in my life and it will pass. But I get scared, because what if it won’t? I can’t think like that, I know, but this is where sad girl is today in this moment. I do have another post currently on the back burner that will be better. It’s something I’ve been working on for a few weeks. And it’s a testament to the internal progress that I’ve been making. But today, I felt the need to post this shit again because I feel like I took more steps back. We are all broken in the most beautiful and unique ways. And some of us are able to deal with it in healthy ways. And some of us just cry a lot. Maybe you’re not okay today and needed to read this? If that’s the case, I hope you know you’re not alone.
So this is my satellite call to you, to me, to all of us: You are not a bad person. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You are a human being. You matter. Even when you feel worthless, you’re not. Even when you feel like you don’t deserve love, you do. Some of the best days of your life haven’t happened yet, so don’t let the bad moments make you feel like you don’t deserve them, because you do. And if there are people in your life telling you those things and making you feel like that, please know that they are talking about themselves, not you. Life is a wild ride. Things happen without explanation and we are just supposed to figure them out without any guidebook or road map. And sometimes we make wrong turns but I have to believe that those were meant to take you to the right places eventually. Bad moments don’t equal a bad life.
And that’s all I wanted to say to you today. Because I needed to hear it too. And we all really need to start believing it…
this is so you’ll know the sound, someone who loves you from the ground, tonight you’re not alone at all, this is me sending out my satellite call…
Song name: SATELLITE CALL/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2013
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 