Category: Spiritual Healing

TOLD YOU SO

I know you like when I admit that I was wrong and you were right, at least I try to keep my cool when I’m thrown into a fire, and they go “I hate to say I told you so”, but they love to say they told me so…

I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what makes me tick. I’m finding out that a lot of the things that I feel are caused by repressed anger. And it’s not a great feeling. Depression and anxiety stem from anger that’s buried. Years and years of burying deep into my guts. If I had known that 100 years later I would be in this position, I would have just let it all out while it was happening. The thing is that no amount of therapy or talking it out will change anything that I’m going through right now. Those things won’t resolve years of damage that I’ve done to myself. For some ridiculous reason, I am an emotional hoarder and have chosen to let all of this stuff stick around and eat me alive. I haven’t given up hope on myself, it’s just that I’m tired and this all feels so stupid.

I never realized how angry I was until I started this healing journey. It never occurred to me that the feelings were related to anger. When I think about all of the times that I rage cried and explained to people “I’m not sad, I’m crying because I’m frustrated!” it seems that the writing was right there on the wall. I just chose to ignore it and blame something that seemed more logical. Of course I cry when things legitimately make me sad. But the crying I do when I’m angry is very different. It’s almost childlike. And when I do the mental inventory of all the times that I have big cried in my life, the majority of those times was because I was big fucking mad.

Lately I have been feeling like a walking trigger. Everything is bothering me. Because for so long I have been in this survival mode of making sure everyone else is okay. Making sure that I did what everyone else needed me to do for them while ignoring my own needs and never asking for help. And now that I’ve admitted to people that maybe I’m not alright all the time, they help me and I don’t want it. At least not in that way. I guess I spent my life, unconsciously, taking care of everything just so people would love me in the way that I really needed. Except that’s not how anything should work. And now I’m here, in this very stupid place, and it’s like mentally I’ve reverted back to a child like state where I just want to throw temper tantrums all day. Just like when I was a child and no one cared to listen, I’m still fucking here. And it’s just not okay.

Very recently I came to a huge realization. There has always been this nagging feeling of dread when it comes to taking care of anything involving money. It started off small and has just grown into this absolute monster that has completely consumed me. I am now at the point where it is crippling and making it more and more difficult to function. Anyway, last week something very basic happened, but it brought me to this revelation and I want to talk about it.

My grandmother is 101 years old. I have been taking care of her finances since her 85th birthday. As if handling my own financial problems wasn’t enough, I went and added another person into the mix. It’s my grandmother and want to do everything I can to make sure that she is taken care of, and what’s better than a hyper-vigilant anxiety ridden granddaughter when it comes to finances, right?! Anyway, she has been paying into a very small life insurance policy for the last 15 years and I am the beneficiary of it. Last week, she received the payout for it. It made perfect sense to me… after all of these years of quarterly payments, it’s paid off. They sent her the check, boom, we’re done. So, of course, I tell my mom about it, in passing, just saying I was going to deposit it into her account. My mother asks if it’s a real check. Why would they pay it out? You should call them, what if it’s a mistake? Don’t deposit anything without calling them first. Wait, what?!

On paper, there was no reason at all for me to question any of this. It said on the check stub exactly what it was for. The policy wasn’t some absurd amount that was going to send my grandmother into another tax bracket. It was tiny and she finished making payments on it because she is 100 and fucking 1 years old. So, like a CHOOCH I called them, because I was instantly filled with dread that somehow if I deposited this check without calling the company, that I would find out later that I was wrong, the check was fake and my grandmother was doomed. Fucking why?! I will tell you why. Because my whole life, I have been told to question every single thing when it comes to my decisions. That I am not a trustworthy person, even though I have been handling everything.

This is years of destroying any chance I ever had at believing that I can do anything without outside validation. I can’t be trusted to make big decisions because I don’t know any better, even after all of these years of being a fully functional adult. And the best part is… I have fucking allowed this. Without even knowing it, I have become this robot who seeks out validation for every decision that needs to be made. This stupid check arriving in the mail and the conversation that followed was enough to open my eyes to all of this.

I wasn’t this bad 5 years ago. I guess I’ve just been worn down into submission out of sheer exhaustion. Now that I’m thinking about it, there was a time where I did stand up for myself, but I picked my battles wisely. Standing on my laurels when it came to hills I would die on, and then allowing others to dictate my direction when it was a decision that I wasn’t 100% on anyway. Or if it was something I didn’t really want to do, I could easily shift blame to someone else not agreeing with it and that’s why I ultimately didn’t do it. Nice little system I had going there for a while.

Except this isn’t working anymore. I have zero faith in anything. I have become a shell of who I was, which wasn’t a whole lot to begin with. And now it seems I’m even in debt when it comes to my own self worth. Things are spiraling out of fucking control. And I’m glad that I am aware of it now. It’s just that I can’t let go of the fear and just trust myself. And it’s causing a LOT of internal problems for me. And it’s part of the reason I am in this mind frame now. I don’t trust anything that comes from me. I can’t make decisions about my own life without having a panic attack. That needs to change and I am working on it. This is a huge piece of the puzzle in this healing journey. Because I question every single thing that I do, with zero confidence to back it, asking for everyone’s approval before I do anything, and that is fucking bat-shit crazy.

It’s still really difficult for me to stand by my decisions. I hate giving people opportunities to tell me that they told me so. Because I feel like I have a lot of people in my life that are just waiting to smile at my errs in judgement. And that makes me really fucking sad. It’s not everyone, but it’s important people. And this is just another realization that I’ve stumbled upon that makes me so fucking sad. Because I really want to believe that I have people in my corner, but the ones that share my DNA seem to smirk when I do it wrong. It feels like people are waiting for me to fail so they can scoop me up when I do and show me that I really was never capable. What. The. Fuck.

This is why I have lived with this underlying victim mentality. And it has hindered my growth. It has set me back in so many aspects of my life. Because we all just want to be fucking saved, even if the feeling is unconscious. We just want people to know what we’re thinking without us having to say it or ask for it. The truth is that no one is going to save you. I’m not saying that hopelessly, I’m stating a fact. You have to be able to save yourself. You have to be able to write your story and have faith in yourself, even when you’re wrong. And I need to keep reminding myself of that. This is MY life. And I don’t know exactly where I lost control, but it’s time to take it back. I have to learn to be okay with the commentary that will come. And I have to be able to tell myself that whatever I was wrong about was a lesson and grow from it.

The anger and the sadness that have been consuming my life lately are starting to subside. Things are shifting and I am learning to let go of the feelings and memories that cause me pain. I have to stop associating current situations with the memories that I am harboring that caused similar reactions. When I see it happening, I now have the power to change the reaction. I can’t continue to hold on to resentment from things in my past. And I have to be able to turn those situations around now that I’m aware. Controlling what I can and letting go of what I can’t. It’s an insane process and I guess I better start showing up for it.

There will always be people ready to proudly tell you “I told you so” but that’s a them problem, not a you problem. There’s something a little bit wrong with finding joy in someone else’s mistakes. Again, that’s on them. So this is here now for me to continuously refer back to when I need it. And it’s here for you too in case you need a reminder. Everything will be alright. I need to be kind with myself and understand that life is a balance. Things aren’t happening to me, they’re happening for me.

I know it was another all over the place post, but it’s important to write it out here. It is important that I keep telling myself that my destiny is not to be an angry and miserable person. That all of this is happening now so that I can become the person I truly want to be. And most importantly, I don’t need any one else’s input when it comes to the life that I want to live, so it’s up to me to stop actively seeking it out in order to move forward.

As always, thanks for reading and here if you need me 🙂

throw me into the fire, throw me in, pull me out again, “I hate to say I told you so” but they love to say they told me so…

Song name: TOLD YOU SO/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2017

DEFYING GRAVITY

something has changed within me, something is not the same… I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game… too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep… it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap… it’s time to try defying gravity…

I wrote a post last night, told everyone about it on Instagram and Twitter, sat on my couch, proud that I posted finally, and then I took it down. I deleted the Instagram and Twitter notifications and removed it from my page. I thought a lot about it in the time it took me to walk from my desk to my couch (basically 6 feet?) and did a quick mental run through of the topics I wrote about. And in those 6-ish feet I realized that none of those topics deserved that kind of attention, at least not on this platform. I felt like it was such a petty post and I wanted a do over.

I haven’t written anything of value for like 2 weeks and I was anxious to just post one already. I read it a thousand times and edited the shit out of it, as usual, but when I got to the couch to watch Schitt’s Creek, I fucking cringed. And so I made it disappear. I no longer want to dwell on shit that pissed me off 2 weeks ago. The truth is that in the last 2 weeks I have made really big steps in the right direction (for once) so why would I continue to let the negativity haunt me? More importantly, why should I give it a place holder on my page? I don’t need to bookmark it so I can relive it. I didn’t have any tips or tricks about how I stopped being pissed off so I knew it wouldn’t be valuable to you. So that’s that… moving on!

We are like 10 posts in at this point so you have the general gist of how I lived my life as the victim. Convinced that the universe had it out for me. Making very small things into very big things because, at the time, I thought they were big things. I dramatized things and made them more of a big deal just because I had no idea what I was doing. I’m going to go out on a limb and sound like such a douchebag right now, but there’s this weird wisdom that comes with age. I know, I know, but let me explain. I never expected to feel wise about anything in my life. But I wish I could go back and speak to my younger self and just be like “you fucking idiot, that’s not good for you, why aren’t you seeing that?!” Such a fucking drama queen (eye roll). There were some things that were valid and those are the things that I continue to work on. Everything else can go scratch.

If I am going to be more forward thinking then the change has to come from within. The last few meditations I’ve done have brought me into that forward thinking mindset and have actually made me believe that it’s possible for me. I need to push and trust myself, which is something that I have struggled with forever. I have made some pretty cool discoveries about myself just by starting this blog. Writing it all out has helped me and given me the drive that I was searching for. I have no intention of putting any unnecessary or unrealistic expectations on this blog. But I know that I am supposed to be doing this, so I’m going to keep at it.

My life consists of patterns and familiarity. I am not fearless or careless. Young Me was both of those things. Then life sucker punched me and told me to take it down a few notches. Not only did I take it down a few notches, I eliminated it entirely. So my job right now is to get to the in between, where it’s not too little and not too much. I don’t need to live my life in fear all the time, but I do need to be cautious. I believe that once I allow my intuition to do what it’s supposed to do, I’ll be fine. I have been filled to the brim with fear about any and everything so my intuitive compass is a little off.

I have lived in the past for too long, harping on things that are no longer relevant. Giving credit to things or moments that don’t deserve my time. I don’t know why I do that. Living in the past is great for the good stuff, but not so much for the bad stuff. It holds you back and stops you from growing and learning. It’s a battle, but I’m here to fight it. I can’t go back and change anything and make it less cringe-worthy, so that’s enough now. I’m working on being present. Right here, right now. I can’t predict the future but I like to try and be prepared. I don’t like being caught off guard; I know it’s where all of my anxiety stems from. Finding the in between is crucial.

I apologize if my writing seems like it’s all over the place, but it’s because I am currently all over the place. I’m getting daily messages that I need to get my life in order. That I need to build the structure and foundation in and for life I want to live. The big message this week was “thoughts become things”. I was the victim for so long because I wanted to be. I wanted the attention or I wanted people to feel bad for me. That sounds fucking pathetic and makes me feel embarrassed. Last week I couldn’t write and didn’t feel confident enough because everything I wrote was unorganized and all over the place. But here I am today, unhinged, if you will, and I just keep thinking “who am I trying to impress here?!” Maybe you’re feeling unhinged too and you need to see that most of the time I’m NOT a fully functional adult. Who knows?

Today was a beautiful day outside and I saw a very rare opportunity and grabbed it. I took a walk during my lunch break. NYC is very scary right now but between last night and this morning I just felt like I should be taking advantage of the nice weather before it’s too hot and I become a vampire (black out curtains and air conditioning ’round the clock). I refused to let the fear of the heroin zombies stop me from doing something that I needed to do for myself. There are days where I sit in my office all day, breathing in recycled air and then having the fucking audacity to wonder why I’m a crabass. Breaking one tiny pattern was my goal today, and I succeeded. I walked 14 blocks on 7th Avenue and paid attention to every detail. I was present. I wasn’t walking aimlessly. I had a destination but I was determined not to let my mind wander. It was pretty cool, you guys. And I know that probably sounds so fucking lame, but I’m what they call “indoorsy”. I get from point A to point B so that I can get back inside. I don’t pay attention to anything walking to and from work, so it was nice to venture beyond that and actually look at what and who I was walking passed.

I know walking around a concrete jungle isn’t exactly being “one with nature” but it was nice to feel the sun on my very pale face. So I’m going to set a goal to break one pattern a week. Get off the skipping record, even if it’s just for 1 day out of the 7. I felt like I accomplished something today, even though it was just a basic thing, and that made me feel better. I gotta take these little steps because eventually they will become bigger steps. I gotta have a tiny bit of faith in myself and taking 1 tiny step out of the comfort zone is a realistic goal, for now.

I’m going to leave you with this: if shit has felt off for you lately, it’s okay. I know that the post pandemic world wants you to think that we are A. Fucking. O. K. but if you’re not, that’s fine. If you’re one of the people that has their shit together, good for you! But if you’re not, please be nice to yourself. You’re gonna get through whatever it is, it just sucks right now because you’re in it. But give yourself the time to deal with whatever it is that’s making you feel fearful, overly cautious, anxious, whatever. Invite it to the table, sit with it, give it some Entenmann’s coffee cake, and when it gets late, ask it nicely to leave…

so if you care to find me, look to the western sky… as someone told me lately “everyone deserves the chance to fly!” and if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free… to those who ground me, take a message back from me.. tell them how I am defying gravity… I’m flying high, defying gravity…

Song name: DEFYING GRAVITY/ Artist: Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenoweth (Wicked Original Broadway Cast)/ Year: 2003

ESCAPE ROUTE

I’ve got a life out there somewhere it’s waiting, lined with palm trees and only new faces, if I could look past the present and get there, well baby, it’s worth a shot… just enough time to plan an escape route, I put my map on the wall in the basement, not quite a victory to run from your problems, but it’s the only plan that I got…

I am having a day today. Not a bad day, just a day. I slept like absolute garbage and it feels like the tendinitis in my right bicep is coming back (feels like a knife is stuck in my shoulder joint). I don’t want to go to the doctor to get a cortisone shot, that shit hurts, so I’m hoping if I take it easy it will go away (fingers crossed). Anyway, the general vibe of my day since I woke up has just been meh. I wasn’t awful to myself when I sat up in bed this morning, 25 minutes after my alarm went off, but I noticed that I just felt meh and just continued for the rest of the day allowing myself to be meh. I know I’ll sleep well tonight because I’m exhausted and I can start fresh tomorrow morning. That’s a new thing that I’ve been doing lately. Not to sound like a total douche, but I give myself time to feel all the feelings and then I just don’t let them destroy my whole day. Like, okay, you’re tired, this is normal, move on in your meh-ness.

I felt the need to write again today. Truth be told, I wrote another post last night but I didn’t publish it because I still need to reread it 4200 times and edit it, but I wanted to get it out of my system and onto the screen. It’s ready whenever I am. This was a different feeling though. I feel like all the meh bullshit of today led me here. It’s like a really strong feeling, so I’m running with it.

Over the last few months I have been learning about spirituality. I tried Reiki for the first time right before I turned 40 and everything about it piqued my interest. I haven’t written about it yet because I have been too busy rambling on about literally everything else, but it is a really big part of my healing journey. Talking On Eggshells is not going to be a blog all about spirituality, but if we are going to put a puzzle together, I need to give you all the pieces. So from time to time, the spiritual side of things will be sprinkled in. If that’s not something you’re interested in I absolutely respect that, but I was never really into believing in things that I can’t see and now I really do see things differently.

I wrote out everything going on with my grandmother in NO HARD FEELINGS and it’s been a rough road for her, and us, but the last few visits have lightened things up and that’s definitely a plus. When everything started spiraling in the middle of January I felt like I was losing my mind. My BFF suggested that I try Reiki. She went for a session with the most wonderful Reiki goddess and really thought it would help me. Dude, it like really fucking did. Like most new things, I had no idea what to expect. The environment was very calming and so, within minutes, my anxiety kinda melted away.

I have been to 3 sessions already (bro, I’m due for another one like, yesterday) and the feelings were different each time. The information was vast and eye opening for me. I am more aware of things that I never would have thought of. In one of my sessions, we spoke about using my voice to keep people safe or protect them. And I mentioned that the idea for this blog was percolating and I was thinking of calling it Talking On Eggshells. She immediately said DO IT. And I was like girl, seriously? And she was like YES. I had been searching for domains and hosts for it, had decided on one and backed out because it was way too fucking complicated. NOT SO PRO TIP ALERT: if something is advertising that it is insanely easy to use, it’s not. I got a refund, got discouraged and figured that all of that nonsense was a sign not to do it. So when I went to my Reiki session the next day, I was assured that no, the fact that I was able to back out and get my money back was a sign that I just needed to keep looking for the right spot. And so that’s what I did.

I know that this blog may seem like a little novice thing that a person you know is doing, but it’s a really important thing for me. I don’t like being open and vulnerable with people who know me. You read that correctly. At this very early stage, the majority of readers are all people who know me. And the responses I’ve received (all positive, thank you for that!) are from people who know me. It’s weird for me. I don’t feel brave or empowered. I feel like I am just putting myself out there so people can talk shit about me. And that was the main reason that I hesitated, so many times, and almost didn’t launch this blog. Afraid that people will think I’m insane (I mean, I am a little bit) and have ammunition against me. You have seen some of the things I’ve written here, I’m technically not built for this.

The thing is, since that Reiki session, all signs have pointed me here. And the support of the people who knew I wanted to do this and held my hand as I clicked LAUNCH was enough for me to do it. I hope that this blog reaches the people that need to see it. To see that they’re not alone in whatever they’re feeling. That is the ultimate goal. I’m not writing this so people who know me can feel like they have dirt on me and bring it up at inopportune times. I’m writing this because even though we all look like we have our shit together, sometimes we don’t. And I want to be here for those “sometimes” moments.

Anyway, I brought up the spirituality side of things because I was very aware of it today. I have been seeing sequences of numbers in my day to day life. Before Reiki I would have never thought to read into them. Last night I woke up at 12:34 am. I didn’t look at the clock on my phone at work today until I realized I was hungry and saw the time was 12:34 pm. I looked it up. The explanations made sense to me and seemed very specific to the way I was feeling today. The explanations seemed like they were talking directly to me.

I put on “Getting Younger” which is the after show for “Younger”. Side note: if you’re not watching this show, get on it. I have been watching it since it started 7 seasons ago and literally wait for it to come back every year. Anyway, I was behind a few episodes on the after show, so I went back to the ones I missed. The first one only had Nico Tortorella, who is the younger love interest, Josh, on the show. Normally the host is interviewing a few cast members at a time. The general tone is always very light and funny whenever Nico is on; a really chill and open person all around. I had the episode on, but it was like on in the background, and I was kinda mindlessly listening when I heard something that Nico said. I hit rewind so I could hear it again. Then I hit rewind so that I could type it out.

“I’m in the process of family planning myself and I have noticed a, (pause, babbling), I have already felt this energetic shift in ‘oh, I’m an adult now’ like my priorities are different. And it’s not just for my children or my future children, it’s for everything around me. And finally doing it in my own life am I able to recognize what has happened to Josh. You get older.”

I know that may seem like the most basic statement anyone can make, but it hit me hard and completely out of the blue. Yesterday I wrote this blabbering post about NOT planning because I don’t want to panic or let myself down, and here’s this 32 year old person, confidently saying that they’re family planning because they feel like an adult. And it hit different because I DON’T feel like that. I can’t even remember if I have ever felt like that in my whole life. And it made me think of myself in a way that made me cringe a little. What the fuck am I doing? I have absolutely NONE of my shit together. I financially spiral every. single. month. My husband and I have literally zero means to buy a house. 40 years old and not sure if I want to have kids? Like I have time for that! Guys, I know it sounds like I’m spiraling but this was a wake up call and it has me wanting to jump start getting my fucking life in order. Like, right this very minute.

I feel like I’ve just been spinning on this turntable, day in and day out, just kind of accepting what comes my way. And I titled this post ESCAPE ROUTE not because I want to escape my life. I want to escape this mindset that I have literally trapped myself in. It’s like I don’t want to succeed. I’m too scared to excel at anything so I just keep myself in the stuff I know because it’s familiar to me. But that doesn’t make it any less scary. I don’t like this cycle. I want better for me and my husband. I want to see us kick ass in this life, so why do I keep going in circles and wondering why I am where I am?

I was asleep on my feet today, but I woke up. And I have had moments before when I though that I snapped myself out of it. But I have a different perspective now, I guess? And I don’t want to be stuck anymore. For real, for real. This was not a test. I’m going to get a house. Still iffy on the birthing children thing, sorry not sorry. I know that I am a good person. I know that my husband is a good person. I know I don’t have to keep punishing myself for mistakes I made a million years ago and think that I don’t deserve a good life. Exploring spirituality definitely got me to peek outside the bubble that I’ve created. And I know you’re probably reading this thinking that I have completely lost my mind, but things have never been more clear.

I am still learning so much about how all of this works but for the first time I’m ready to embrace all of it. There is a lot of peace in thinking about all the universe has to offer. You just have to be ready to see it. I have lived in a blur for a really long time but I’m ready to do the work. The signs are all there, you just have to see them. That’s all for me tonight. I’m so tired but looking forward to a non-meh day tomorrow. Goodnight lovies!

all that’s in between a brand new life and I is time… but time has not been kind, it’s not been kind to me, it’s winding backwards… time has not been kind, it’s crawling by… so…
slowly… and if you try to find me now I’m in all the echoes that have faded out so I’m moving on ’cause I just want to feel for once that I belong, and that’s what’s going on…

Song name: ESCAPE ROUTE/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2013

HARD TIMES

walking around with my little rain cloud hanging over my head and it ain’t coming down… where do I go? gimme some sort of sign, you hit me with lightning maybe I’ll come alive…

I’ve written a bunch already about life experiences and how they shape us into who we are or who we are becoming. I believe that the world around us has changed us in ways that we still haven’t figured out yet. I’m not writing a post about COVID, don’t worry. I just feel like this year plus really knocked the hell out of all of us and maybe we should be taking it as one giant lesson? Or maybe a whole bunch of little lessons all piled into one big one? I don’t know. I feel like if we don’t do that, then all the shit that we have gone through would just be in vain and that would be a total fucking waste.

I started my healing journey 2ish years ago. Time is completely blurry for me but I ‘m pretty sure I started about a year before my wedding and was definitely pre-pandemic. I started with somatic therapy to help rewire all the short circuits in my coo-coo banana brain and I know I was there for a while. I could check the pile of medical bills but I’m trying to move forward and I don’t need to see that shit. I remember considering tapering off my visits because I wasn’t sobbing at each one anymore and I really was feeling much better. And then March 2020 happened and my therapist asked if I wanted virtual visits and I was like WTF? Um, no thank you. We will be back to normal in a couple of weeks and I’ll see you then. Also, mental health isn’t a cheap business and, at the time, I felt like if I wasn’t with her in the office then there was no point. Cut to here and now and everything is fucking virtual… who knew?

I’m just gonna give you a little side note here: I never heard from that therapist again. I’m on the fence with how I feel about that because I literally just told you that I planned on tapering off, but still. No call, text, email, nothing? Did our relationship mean nothing to you?! HA- just kidding. I know that I chose to go or not go to therapy and it was to help me, not her, but an email to check in would have been nice. She never had a problem emailing me the monthly bill…

Anyway, somatic therapy was my start and it helped me so much. It helped me realize that the feelings I had were valid. And most of the time we just need validation, am I right? Yea, I know I was paying for it but to hear that there was psychological shit to back me definitely helped. And it changed my perspective on a bunch of shit that I harped on for way too long. And I haven’t stopped searching for ways to help me be better since. So that was definitely a step in the right direction!

When the world shut down I found out that I actually gave a little bit of a shit about myself. I was working with a registered dietitian (the best one out there if I do say so myself) and she helped me get all of my stomach issues under control. She did so much more than that. She made me see that I could be better in all aspects of my life. She pushed me to set healthy boundaries and every time I got off of our Zoom calls I literally felt like I could conquer the world. My stomach felt better and life in general felt better. And then sometime in June of last year my boss asked me to come back to the office and I freaked the fuck out. I was afraid that all of my progress was going to go right down the drain. I don’t know why but I’m sure you’ve realized by now that I’m a little dramatic? My brain goes from 0 to 60 in 0.3 seconds and so I meditated to calm the fuck down.

Meditation is one of the coolest things I was pushed to try. I always thought that my brain was too busy to actually take the time to meditate and let it actually work. But it turns out that there is a LOT of guided meditation on YouTube and I found that to be the most helpful. I didn’t think that concentrating on my breathing would ever get me out of my head but it is about changing your focus. I am the most wired person I know and I highly recommend it. I also found it super helpful that a few people told me to not put so much pressure on yourself to get into a meditative state. If you go into meditation worried about if you’re going to meditate or not, what’s the point? There have been so many times that I put in my earbuds and just could not get into it. That still happens now but I don’t push myself, I just listen. And it usually calms me down. And if it doesn’t work, then I move on.

All of these things to better myself have pushed me to where I am today. And that’s all I can give you. I can’t give you what will happen going forward. Every single day I’m still weird me. I can’t pick out clothes the night before because I don’t know which version of me will wake up tomorrow. I don’t like setting myself up for failure so I just don’t do shit like that. I have weird little peckadillos (as Johnny Rose would say) that just don’t allow me to plan. When I plan, I panic and can almost guarantee that whatever I planned will absolutely not happen. I wake up, most days, 25 minutes after my alarm goes off and I rush around to get out the door and catch the train. Could I actually wake up when my alarm goes off? Yes, of course I could. That wouldn’t be any fun though. Why would I actually want to get to work looking like a put together adult woman when I could just look like a fucking train wreck?

So I beg of you- don’t ask me when I’m getting a house or having kids. I’m not there yet. And I know in biological clock world I’m old as fuck and high risk and whatever. My gynecologist said I have until 43 before I’m like off the charts high risk. My husband and I will be the old ass parents you see at the park and we’ll be sitting there with his children and people will think that our kid is their kid and we are the grandparents. It will be fucking hilarious and I would consider it just for that picture alone. Point is, I can’t get my hopes up for things that might not happen. And I sure as hell can’t do it because that’s what people expect of me. I don’t need that kind of pressure.

I know that I have the ability to change and move forward despite all of the time I spent in self sabotaging quick sand. And I know I’m 40 and should have it all together by now but fuck that shit. I don’t have to do anything I’m not ready to do and I refuse to push myself down the road that society expects me to take. I have been defying everything that society says I should be since the day I got here and maybe there will come a day when I want to conform, but I wouldn’t bet on it. My brain still has a little coo-coo banana left in it and sometimes when you tell me that I HAVE to do something, it makes me not want to do it even more…

I have to live with me everyday. And some days are amazing and some days not so much. I wake up with zero expectations but I find that if I start the day being nice to myself then the rest of the day isn’t complete shit. Some days I wake up and should be locked in a fucking closet all day with the mood I’m in, but I have the ability to get myself out of it. I don’t have to be a crab ass and ruin the day for my husband or anyone else that comes in contact with me, that’s not nice. I will leave you with this… On the days you feel like absolute garbage, just be nice to yourself. You don’t have to treat yourself like you’re a piece of shit. And if you need help getting out of it, or want someone to tell you that you’re a fucking rock star, email me or something and I’ll build your fine ass up.

gonna make you wonder why you even try… (hard times) gonna take you down and laugh when you cry… (these lives) and I still don’t know how I even survive (hard times) (hard times)… and I gotta hit rock bottom…

Song name: HARD TIMES/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2017