THROUGH MY PRAYERS

hard to believe I won’t see you again, we were just fighting when winter began, the coldness of our words competing with the wind from the north, still they make me shiver but in a very different way, the pages of the calendar kept turning away, I have some better words now, but it’s too late to say them to you… my dream of all dreams and my hope of all hopes is only to tell you and make sure you know how much I love you and how much I always did… and yes I know you loved me I could see it in your eyes, and it was in your struggle and it was in your mind, and it was in the smile you gave me when I was a kid… feels like no one understands, and now my only chance to talk to you is through my prayers, I only wanted to tell ya I care…

This is the last you’ll see from me regarding my dad. His passing was unexpected and I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

I feel like I keep getting the wind knocked out of me. This time it’s taking me a little longer to catch my breath. The past 7 days felt like 3 months. The days are extremely long. There’s something really unnerving about knowing there are no more chances for us to make things right. As broken as we were, and as many times as I said that I was done, the little girl inside me wished that he would reach out. That things would be different. That we could have healed a little and made it work. But that’s done now. I’m sad and I’m angry. Most of all, my heart is broken for him.

This song shuffled the day after he died. I was walking to my office when it made its way into my earbuds and I was stopped in my tracks. I found myself involuntarily sobbing in the middle of 7th Avenue. The lyrics are perfect and say everything that I am not able to.

Thanks for reading…

every night after and every day since, I find myself crying when the memory hits, sometimes it knocks me down, sometimes I can just put it away… down in my mind where I don’t care to go, the pain of a lesson is letting me know if you have love in your heart let it show while you can… yes now I understand, but now my only chance to talk to you is through my prayers, I only wanted to tell ya I care…

Song name: THROUGH MY PRAYERS/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2012