piccola anima, la luce dei lampioni ti accompagna a casa, innamorata e sola, quell’uomo infame non ti ha mai capita, sai che a respirare non si fa fatica, è l’amore che ti tiene in vita… quello che voglio io da te, non sarà facile spiegare, non so nemmeno dove e perché hai perso le parole, ma se tu vai via, porti i miei occhi con te…
I want to start off by saying that it was only a matter of time before an Italian song made its way into a post. Your punk rock girl has an entire playlist of sad girl songs in another language. And they’re so much more beautiful this way. I suggest you listen to this one. You don’t need to know what it means, you’ll feel it. But if you’re curious, of course Google is free.
I am having a really bad day with anxiety. And I’m hoping that writing can at least help calm me down. I’ve been on this journey for a little while now and I’ve been trying to figure out ways to make this whole thing easier for myself. The problem is that I’m always operating at a very high level of anxiety, afraid to breathe easy. It always seems that the moment I give in and relax, breathe a sigh of relief at life, I manage to fuck something up and end up right back at the peak of anxiety. Dealing with an unreasonably low amount of self worth has been my biggest problem throughout my life. And I just can’t get to the point where it gets easier. There are days where I can sit there and confidently say that I am a good person, or wow I actually feel pretty today, or was that an entire day free of anxiety? But those days are short lived. The next day it seems that my anxiety got backed up while being on vacation the day before and hits me harder than it usually does.
Today was one of those days. Something happened yesterday morning and instead of letting it get me down, I felt empowered. I even wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget. I felt unstoppable. Today, I said something stupid to someone I care about, it upset them, and I’ve been spiraling ever since. It’s already been cleared up. I apologized and it was settled. But I could seriously kick myself and will likely not sleep tonight because of it. Things like this happen all the time. I feel shame and I feel small, and quite frankly I never want to speak again because I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Am I too much? Am I enough? I just constantly feel like I’m never doing the right thing. If I say what I’m feeling, I’m too much. If I don’t say anything, I’m not doing enough. When I try to find somewhere in between, I act like an idiot and go completely overboard trying to prove that I’m not a piece of shit. It’s too much.
I understand that reading that might seem very dramatic. But in all of the work I’ve been doing, I am finding that it’s all been programmed within me my whole life. And I am doing my best to break up this programming, but setbacks like I had today do a lot of damage. And it will take me a few days to get back on track. The problem is that when I get like this, I don’t feel like I deserve good things. I punish myself and put myself in the corner, like I don’t deserve to be seen. The level of shame and embarrassment that I feel is out of this world. And it affects every single thing throughout the rest of the day. Until I lay in the dark, try to tell myself that I need to sleep so that I can start fresh in the morning, continue to spiral until my thoughts wear me out, and finally crash for a few hours out of sheer exhaustion.
This cannot continue. It cannot be that the thoughts win this battle. They’re just thoughts and I have the ability to stop them, so why don’t I? I was listening to a podcast the other day with Jay Shetty and Dr. Gabor Mate (pronounced MAH-TAY… I can’t find the little accent to put over the e) about finding your true self. It talked about the root cause of trauma and why you feel lost. It was over an hour long and I actually took notes. Dr. Mate said something that made my eyes pop. He said “why is it that we are so addicted to things staying the same, or things not changing? You find safety in the mind you created.” I am fully aware of the fact that I have this problem, I just don’t know what the fuck to do about it. I’ve talked about this here before; I am completely terrified of life. I don’t enjoy it. My days are exactly the same, full of routines and habits that I’m afraid to break. I fear that if I do something wrong, somehow everything will shift in a way that will scare me even more. Or even worse, the change will affect others and then I’ll be living with more shame and guilt. So even though my life may be completely mundane, based on my mindset, I am terrified of the alternative.
Here’s the thing… I’ve been going through this dark night of the soul for well over a year now. I was wearing rose colored glasses for a long time. They were full of scratches and filthy as hell, but rose colored nonetheless. And over a year ago they were ripped off of my face and thrown away and I’ve been fighting my way through this darkness every day since. Have things changed in the last year plus? Of course they have. But the reactions I’ve received to these changes have sometimes not been welcomed. With the rose colored glasses, I was complacent, on medication for anxiety, and seemingly sleeping through my life. I thought I was present. But I’ve been forced to pay attention to myself and I don’t know how to do it nicely. I am so angry at myself for so many reasons and I just can’t seem to forgive myself. So it’s just an endless loop of good day, bad day, bad day, bad day, bad day, good day, etc.
I was listening to a podcast yesterday, because my algorithm is full of self help shit, and this one had Michael B. Beckwith. And he was specifically speaking about dark night of the soul. I also took notes with this one because I completely understood what he was talking about. He said: “The new hasn’t emerged yet, but the old is dying. You feel cutoff, bereft, it’s nasty, but you have to walk through that door.” He elaborated further: “You’re on the spiritual path, there’s going to be parts of you that you cherish that are going to die because they are not you. You inherited them, you created them to survive in the world. But when they begin to die and the new hasn’t emerged just yet, it’s very dark.” After all of this, I can confirm, it’s extremely dark. And it’s lonely as hell. And yes, I write things out here. And I cry to the safe people in my life. But there is no way for me to put all of this into words that could make people understand. I just feel broken. And right now I am doing my best out in the world while I’m surrounded by all of these broken pieces that I don’t know what to do with.
I share here because it’s important that I do. I don’t know why, but it is. I’ve been depressed and I’ve been medicated, that won’t help me right now. I have this aching feeling in my chest that has been haunting me for over a year that I never had or felt before. And it’s easy for you to read this and diagnose me with whatever mental illness you prefer. But I’ve already done all of that and I will tell you, don’t bother. This shit is deep in my soul. And yes, I probably have OCD, the intrusive spiral thoughts are a dead giveaway. But I’m afraid if I medicate for that, I will not get to the place I need to get to. I was numb and blind for a long time, so yea, I have some big fucking feelings that I’m trying to manage after years of shoving them down into my little body. I am giving myself a moment.
I know this is a lot. I know. I am self aware to a fault. Whatever thoughts people have on me, I’ve already thought them. Yesterday, my soul felt empowered. I am always underestimated, but that’s on me. I am constantly showing people how I want to be treated, and it’s not great. So I need to do better in that aspect. I need to remember what it felt like to not give a shit yesterday. I am a good person. I have good intentions that sometimes get side tracked. I need to believe in myself and remember that I’m human and I make mistakes. I need to stop punishing myself for mistakes I make. I need to remind myself that I am strong, even when I feel weak. And I need to remember that it’s dark right now, but it won’t be like this forever. I live for those moments of light and there will be more. I just need to get out of my own way.
There is a lost little soul inside of me that is begging me to take the steps and do the things that will lead me to where I need to go. If I can get passed the terror of change, I know that I will make it through. I’ll make it through regardless, but I would like to be happy when all is said and done. I have the next few days off from both jobs and I’m not making any promises to myself, because that just gives me an opportunity to break them and disappoint myself. But I have a few things on my list that will get done that I know will help me feel a little lighter. And for now, that will have to be enough.
Wishing you a happy thanksgiving. I am grateful to be here with all of you. As always, thank you for reading.
camminare fa passare ogni tristezza, ti va di passeggiare insieme? meriti del mondo ogni sua bellezza, dicono che non c’è niente di più fragile di una promessa, ed io non te ne farò nemmeno una… quello che voglio io da te, non lo so spiegare, ma se tu vai via, porti i miei sogni con te… piccola anima, tu non sei per niente piccola…
Song name: PICCOLA ANIMA/ Artist: Ermal Meta/ Year: 2017
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 