sometimes my mind feels like a valley, so I take it to the bar, fill it up like an ocean to drown my troubles in, just to find out what good swimmers they are… it’d make some sense, if some was made to me, sometimes I don’t see love in anything, and just when I surrender to my shadow, I snap out of it, and step into the light, I step back into the light…
There’s a post that is sitting in my drafts that I’ve been writing and editing for the last 3 weeks. I’m going to trash it. It’s irrelevant now. And I’m really fucking proud of that. It was a post just like all the others. Sadness, triggers, complaints, sprinkled with some more sadness. This is the first time in a year plus that I don’t want to write about that shit anymore. I am going to touch on a few of the items from that post, because I feel like they will fit with what I’m trying to write today, but that’s it. We are writing about it and we are moving the fuck on.
The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. And I’m not downplaying the way things made me feel. There were a lot of things, it felt like all at once, and it all came to a screeching halt when I felt like enough was enough. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? The problem is me. I’m the problem. And only I can fix it. So yea, there are still going to be really shitty moments, but dammit I need to start changing the way I let these things affect me. And I know I’ve been saying that for over a year now, but something finally clicked the other day. I don’t want to fucking live like this anymore.
My anxiety has become my identity. It has totally consumed me. And I have always been transparent about it. I felt that maybe if people knew that about me, right from the jump, that maybe it would be helpful. What my transparency has actually done is make people treat me with kid gloves. They approach me like I’m a ticking time bomb. It hasn’t been easier. I have felt ashamed and stupid. People hide things from me to spare my frail state of mind and then drop bombs on me anyway. So I’m done being transparent with the world. I will be the most authentic version of me by not telling anyone anything. The more people know, the more they can weaponize your own shit at you. And I’m not giving people that advantage anymore.
Am I angry? A little. Am I hurt. Yes. These last 3 weeks my eyes have actually been open. I have never paid this much attention to myself or the way people behave towards me. I have taken it all in and actually sat and processed how things have been making me feel. And I have been doing it silently. Silently calling my power back each day. And it has been bringing me back to life. I have my moments throughout the day where I want to break down, and then I reel it all back in. I don’t let myself spiral too much. I find myself jump scaring here and there, but as soon as I feel it, I reel it in. And that has been helping me so much. Within the last few weeks I had allowed myself to hit rock bottom, feeling like the most worthless piece of shit. And like, why? The world is cruel enough, I at least need to be my own ally.
I can’t really explain what changed except that I have been talking about the same shit for the last year and not doing any of the things I want to do. I keep hiding behind this mask and letting myself run on this hamster wheel because it’s comfortable and I know how it feels. I have heard over and over again that your nervous system will always choose the familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven. Your whole entire body is just trying to work to keep you safe from whatever it is your afraid of. And so it keeps you in this endless loop because you know it and you’ll deal with it how you’ve always dealt with it. Excuse me, but that’s fucking crazy! And like I said, something finally clicked, and living in a familiar hell of anxiety isn’t something I want to choose anymore.
Rome wasn’t built in a day though. Some things are going to take me a lot of time and I’m realistic about that at least. There are still some things that really fucking bother me and little by little I’m picking them apart. They’ll take time and I’m making sure that I keep reminding myself of that. Most important thing that I have to keep telling myself is that everything will be alright. Because it will. Even when it really really feels like it won’t.
Something really strange happened last week. I’ve been listening to a lot of spiritual stuff over the last year. And I’m constantly questioning why none of it seemed to be working. The problem is me. I’m not saying that in a negative way. I promise. I’m saying it because it’s a fact. I was hearing all of this stuff, but not really listening. Last week when I got the rug pulled out from under me again, I realized that I had been listening, because I remembered something that I heard. “It’s not happening TO me, it’s happening FOR me”. This whole time I’ve been bitching and moaning that nothing happens for me, it’s always happening to me. And like, it’s not though. Everything is happening exactly how it is supposed to be happening, whether I like it or not. And I finally saw it happen for me and it blew my mind. It was a eureka moment for me for sure, and I’ve really been trying to stay in that mindset because it can only benefit me.
I just really feel, at this point, that I have no idea who I am. There are so many things that people associate with me, and those things became my identity. And I’ve always just gone with it because it made sense to go with it. But every day it feels like I’m moving away from those things. These things that make me who I am, don’t feel like me anymore. Things that are typically labeled as “so me” don’t feel like that anymore. And that’s a really weird fucking place to be. I’m trying to make sense of all of it, but it just seems like every day something else shifts, even just the tiniest bit. And it’s a little unnerving, but it’s also something I’m extremely curious about. It’s just a constant flip flop of feeling like I’m on the verge of something really awesome, while also being paralyzed by fear that these changes won’t make sense to anyone else.
I have to believe that this entire journey is not for nothing. It seems that everyday I learn something new about myself, even if it’s just a little something. I cried today for a moment and apologized out loud. Not because I felt disappointed that I cried, but because it was making its way out of me and I didn’t know where to put it. And it lasted maybe 10 minutes and I moved on. That’s a step for me. In the last year, any time tears were involved, they hung around for a while, sometimes days. So I’ll take that as a little victory and know that I have the ability to acknowledge and move forward.
I’m making a conscious focus to change the way I think. I am making a conscious effort to stop believing that I’m a victim in this life. I have lived a life in a negative mindset and it hasn’t helped me one bit. So yea, I have moments, but that’s all they are. They’re moments and they will pass. I can’t let them grow, I need to continue to stop them in their tracks. Breaking the habit of the spiral has been tough, but I know I can do it. This is just the beginning. I can keep walking out of the darkness, even if it’s the smallest steps. Something needs to change. I am the problem, the problem is me. But we are working on solutions now. We are working on getting back to the light. Even if it’s a light that I don’t currently recognize. It will become familiar eventually.
As always, thanks for reading. I’m always here if you need me.
when my dreams feel like a rusty rail that I slapped on a coat of paint, as the layers cracked and chipped and failed, this wretched lie is all that remains… it’d make some sense, if some was made to me, sometimes I don’t see love in anything, and just when I surrender to my shadow, I snap out of it, yeah, I snap out of it, and I step into the light, I step back into the light…
Song name: BACK INTO THE LIGHT/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2020
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 