WAIT FOR IT

I am the one thing in life I can control, I am inimitable, I am an original, I’m not falling behind or running late, I’m not standing still I am lying in wait…

Something shifted. And I wish, so badly, that I could put the feeling into words. I have zero explanation for the way that I’m feeling, it’s just different. And it’s weird as hell to be feeling it, so I just came here to write it out and see if I can make sense of it.

The last couple of days I have just felt off. Very unlike myself. And I’m not really sure who the hell I am right now, so it’s even weirder. My physical body is here but my mind seems to be somewhere else. And again, I can’t explain where it is, but it’s not fully here. It’s off in the clouds or something? That is the only logical way to describe it. I am disinterested in things I used to be interested in. I am uncomfortable in my body in such a cringy way. And I keep trying to make sense of it, and the more I do that, the less I can make sense of it. If that makes sense…

I have been so wrapped up in the frustration of all of this that I have not taken much time to sit with everything and process. I’m afraid if I process, I will change. So I try to process, little by little, and then I stop myself. Because I’m still not ready. I go through all of the stuff that I’m holding on to. All of the bad memories and times that I felt less than. And I die of cringe at all of the things that I allowed. Now that I know the reasons why I allowed those things, it makes me so sad. All this nonsense bubbles up to the surface and I hate it. But I’m trying my best to work through it and then let it go. It happened for a reason. Did I learn from it? Yes. Then we need to move on now.

I was walking to the dentist today and this song shuffled in my earbuds. And I swear to God, I got chills up my whole spine and then through my whole body. And something came to me. Obviously, the show Hamilton does not reflect my life at all LOL. But this song always struck a chord with me. And it’s been a while since I’ve listened to it on repeat. But when it shuffled, my brain felt like it woke up. And all of these thoughts started firing on all cylinders.

In “Hamilton”, Aaron Burr is chastised by Alexander Hamilton the entire show. Hamilton is ambitious and takes what he wants when he wants. Burr is cautious. And that’s where this song comes in. He sings about waiting for it while he watches everything happen for everyone else. Especially Hamilton. And so as you watch their relationship progress throughout the show, you can see Burr’s frustrations grow because everywhere he goes, Hamilton is already there. In all the places he wants to be. So in the show, it’s ironic that Burr has “waited for it” for the entire 2 hours and 45 minutes but the one time he doesn’t, (SPOILER ALERT) he kills Alexander freakin’ Hamilton. Poor bastard.

Anyway, this isn’t a Hamilton review, let me move on. I relate, very much, to this version of Burr. My last two posts have been about how I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to make big decisions. I wait and I wait and watch opportunities pass me by. And I make excuses because I’m scared. I want change so badly while simultaneously being absolutely terrified of it. So I’m stuck in this very weird in-between void. And when this song shuffled today, it made me very aware of the fact that it is only me who is holding me back.

Not like I wasn’t aware of it before. But I was walking to the dentist for crying out loud. I didn’t expect the mental assault at 8:45 AM. But like, what am I waiting for? What do I really want? Why don’t I believe that I deserve it? And most importantly, why am I too afraid to admit it to myself? Because people rely on me. Because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Because I don’t want people to think less of me. Because I don’t want to seem selfish. There’s a few reasons that I’m saying, out loud, not in my own head. “I am inimitable, I am an original…” why am I so worried about who the real me will be and what people will think? I never wanted to be like anyone else, so why am I holding myself back?

It has always been a constant battle within me. What I want versus what everyone else needs from me. And it’s not like those things don’t ever match. Of course they do. But this year I’ve just been watching my past on a giant movie screen, day in and day out, wondering what the fuck I’m actually doing here. I’m terrified that I’ll spend my life waiting and making excuses because I’m too scared to give in. That’s where this shift that I’m talking about comes in. The last couple of days have given me the tiniest bit of hope that I won’t always be like this. That my eyes are finally opening to how bad I am at taking care of myself even in the most basic ways. And I really don’t like it. So I made a tiny plan for myself today. And I am going to do my best to hold myself accountable. Because I really, really don’t fucking like this.

So my hope is that next week, when I have more free time, I will use it wisely. I will take care of the things that need to be taken care of that I ignore because I’m too mentally exhausted to get off the couch. That I’ll start implementing new daily routines that are about me taking better care of myself. That I’ll actually start caring about the person I spend 24 hours a day with. If it really is the case that we only get one shot at this life, then I need to be a little more Hamilton and a little less Burr…

As always, thanks for reading. I didn’t know where we were going today, but I’m happy you were here.

life doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes, and we keep living anyway, we rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes, and if there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, then I’m willing to wait for it…

Song name: WAIT FOR IT/ Artist: Leslie Odom Jr./ Year: 2015