ORPHEUS (Part II)

I’ll show you good, restore your faith, I’ll try and somehow make a meaning of the poison in this place, convince you love, don’t breathe it in, you were written in the stars that we are swimming in, and it has no name, no guarantee, it’s just the promise of a day I know that some may never see, but that’s enough, if the bottom drops out I hope my love was someone else’s solid ground…

I don’t really have a lot to say. I am stuck in a seemingly endless loop of life trying to claw my way out. I am seeing the same patterns repeating over and over again, and I’m pretty tired of it. I keep saying that I want to change. That I want things to be different. And here I am, too afraid to change anything. Like, I am actually terrified of life right now.

It’s because I’m moving into unfamiliar territory. There is so much shit that I’m open to learning about myself, it’s just that I’m scared to keep turning the pages to find out more. Every page so far has made me uncomfortable, but also a little bit intrigued. There is so much that I’ve already learned and I want to keep going, but I allow the negative self talk to take over sometimes. Last night I was exhausted. I put my head on the pillow and every bad thought ever decided to join me and chime in. And I actually said, out loud, NO, absolutely not. We are going the fuck to sleep! 

My priorities have shifted but I don’t know what the fuck to do with that information. I still stay frozen in place because stepping outside my comfort zone makes my brain go down the rabbit hole of horrible outcomes and it’s easier just to stay in my lane. I’m so afraid of what people will say if I do something different from the norm. I don’t want to have to explain myself until I’m blue in the face and still get judged anyway. People pleaser and fear of abandonment girl that I am still worries about shit like that. The good news is that I’m finally realizing that it doesn’t matter. If you’re going to judge me regardless, then why bother wasting my energy explaining myself? It’s funny because one of my favorite quotes, I quote it quite often, is “you could be the ripest, juiciest peach and there will still be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” so why don’t I just repeat it to myself a million times a day until it sinks in? 

It wouldn’t matter. I’m trying to undo 40+ years of never paying attention to what I need. Catering, happily, to everyone else. Please don’t get me wrong, I love helping and caring for people, it’s just that in doing so I’ve completely ignored my own needs. And now I’m here, and I’m fucking crawling in my skin and don’t know who I am. And that’s a really weird place to be when you’re a full grown adult. Unraveling in front of the people you love wasn’t really the vibe I was going for, it’s kind of embarrassing. 

Anyway, January was the longest month ever and feels like February is flying by already. 43 is quickly approaching and it’s further proof that life stops for no one. It doesn’t care what you’re going through, it goes on with or without you. So I’m just doing my best to be present and to keep a positive outlook. Last week, not so much, but I need to move into a better mindset and so that’s my goal this week. I’ve noticed changes and I’m proud of myself. 

Anyway, I wish you all well. As always, thanks for reading. Finally getting out of the victim mentality and moving into productivity. Baby steps, but they’re still steps. I can’t give up now, I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I’m always here if you need me 🙂

don’t stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos, though I know it’s blinding there’s a way out, say out loud, we will not give up on love now… no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus, just stay here, hold me in the dark and when the day appears we’ll say we did not give up on love today…

Song name: ORPHEUS/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2019