it’s not simple to say most days I don’t recognize me, these shoes and this apron, that place and its patrons have taken more than I gave ’em… it’s not easy to know I’m not anything like I used to be, although it’s true I was never attention sweet center, I still remember that girl…
The last 6 months have been really hard to navigate. I’ve tried to be transparent here so that maybe if someone else is going through some shit, they know, at the very least, that this place is a safe space. I wish that I could bring myself to write more, but I repeat myself enough around here, and nothing has really changed in terms of how I’m working through all of this. I have tried to remain hopeful and tell myself that this is just a chapter in my book. That I have to get through this so that I can get to the really good part.
Healing is a commitment that I don’t remember signing up for. And I’ve been kicking and screaming through it this entire time. The only thing that has been consistent in the last 6 months is the inconsistency. Every day is a clean fucking slate, like everything I did the day before is just gone. And when the day before was a bad day, I happily welcome the good days. But I really just never know and it’s infuriating.
I have gotten used to sitting with uncomfortable feelings and letting them know they’re unnecessary. I recognize triggers and I respond rather than react. I really have let go of a handful of things that used to bother me the most about myself, and so I’m pleased that at the very least I’ve managed to move on from those things. But the really heavy shit, the shit that I buried for so long, that’s the shit that won’t go away so easily. That’s the soul crushing shit that currently has me in the darkest time I have ever experienced.
I realized that I have managed to find comfort in chaos my whole entire life, and the thought of peace is foreign to me. But I’ve been seeing glimpses of what life could be like on the other side. And I’m not even fucking with you, it looks glorious. But since I apparently only know chaos, when I see the possibility of peace, my brain automatically does everything it can to destroy it. And that’s the part that is really discouraging. I have tried so hard to not let it get me, and have been fairly successful at deflecting it. But it hit me like a tidal wave on Sunday, out of literally nowhere, and I’m too tired to fight it.
I wish that I could give myself the same love and respect that I give to everyone else. I’m just not there right now. I was fine all weekend. And on Sunday I got a strange feeling so I went to bed to lay down and relax. And when I did that, the thoughts came flooding in and the tears came pouring out. Everything was telling me that I didn’t deserve the life that I currently have. That I’m ungrateful. That life has been good to me and why should I think that someone like me deserved more? I thought maybe if I got up and took a shower that I could wash this feeling away. But it only got worse. In the shower I was sobbing. I took out my white flag and gave up. If it is the case that all of this is leading to the death of my ego, it’s not going down without a fight. You win. I give up. And so I’ve been sitting in that darkness and emptiness ever since.
I’m exhausted. I feel like a shell of who I was. I have nothing left. I haven’t made any of this easy on myself at all. But it’s been really hard to keep up with all of it. It’s a constant battle between my brain and my heart. I’m trying to heal and grow and do something more with my life. And I just feel like I will always be sad girl. The girl who is constantly riddled with anxiety. The girl who watches everything happen for everyone else. The girl who can’t get out of her own head and is just watching life pass her by. I really thought that I could change. That I could get to a good place and break all of the cycles. That I could be the person that I see in my dreams. And, right now, I just feel like such a fool for believing that.
Of course when I pulled out the white flag and proclaimed out loud that I GIVE UP, I was immediately flooded with all the things telling me that I can’t give up. That this is the pinnacle of everything that I’ve been working towards. That a caterpillar goes into a cocoon and emerges a butterfly. That a fresh seed must be planted deep in the ground and can only grow in darkness and I’m “right there” and “so close”. And I’m just so fucking tired of hearing that.
I don’t want to dredge up anymore of the shit that’s buried inside. It only makes my life more difficult. I’m tired of being uncomfortable and confused. I’m tired of having to sit with this shit. It’s too much. I just feel completely empty on the inside. And I’m still doing all the things I’m supposed to do, while trying to remain seemingly normal to everyone who knows me, but it just feels inauthentic like I’m wearing a mask. But this uncooked version of me is not something I want to present to the world. And I’m holding on to the parts of the old me that I really enjoyed, that will fit into whatever it is I’m creating. It’s just a lot of shit and I’m tired. So I’m sitting in the darkness. Embracing this seed era of my life because all I do is work, and I need a fucking break.
This isn’t a cry for help. This isn’t a call for people to rally around me and get me out of this. This is exactly where I’m supposed to be and I’m fine with that. I don’t want to talk it out anymore than I already have here. I don’t want to go out and do things to take my mind off of it. I just want to be. I want to do all of the things that I’m supposed to do, I want to come home and play fetch with my puppy and I want to move organically through whatever the fuck this is. I am a good person. And I have been working diligently for the last 6 months to try and fix the broken pieces. I don’t feel like I’m weak for giving into this right now. I feel that despite all my bullshit, Iām going to get where I need to go.
The fact is that I’ve been trying to rush the process. Thinking if I work faster that I’ll get out of it quicker. And I think I’ve completely overwhelmed myself with all the spiritual stuff and I’m in total and complete overload right now. I just have zero drive and I’m giving myself a minute to catch up. Releasing the need to control every single thing and having anxiety when I can’t control things is what I struggle with the most, so the white flag is waving. I have zero fight left in me right now and for the first time in 6 months, I’m okay with that.
I look forward to the glimmers. The moments in the day where I’m genuinely smiling and reminded that I’m loved and there is light even in the dark. I’m grateful for the people in my life who give a shit about me even when it seems that I don’t give a shit about myself. I know that it hasn’t been easy but I appreciate all the support. I know I will get through it, it’s just one of the most challenging times I’ve ever been through and clearly, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing…
I promise I’m fine. And I’m always here if you need me. Despite everything you read here today, I’m still incredibly present for everyone else š
she’s imperfect but she tries, she is good but she lies, she is hard on herself, she is broken and won’t ask for help, she is messy but she’s kind, she is lonely most of the time, she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie, she is gone but she used to be mine…
Song name: SHE USED TO BE MINE/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2015
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 