if I dare to ask it, then I dare it to be true, if I dare to risk it, then I know that I’m willing to, if I dare to want this, to want more than I have, then I dare to believe
I’ll have it in the end… you climbed the mountain, sent pictures of the view, and still can’t believe when I started climbing too, you haven’t heard that I’m not afraid to fall, that I’m not deterred yet, until I tell them all, I am holding out for more than what I have now, I’m holding out…
I have spent a lot of time here being incredibly negative. And I won’t apologize for it because that was my general vibe and I would be lying if I said I was sorry. I’m not sorry for feeling the way I do. I’m sorry that it’s not different. That it’s maybe not what you would like to see or hear from me, but it’s the truth and I’m too tired to lie about the things that have consumed me.
There have been some really enlightening moments throughout this journey that I really haven’t taken the time to appreciate because the overwhelming sense of grief and sadness has been at the forefront. And it was very easy to go down that rabbit hole because that’s a rabbit hole that I’m familiar with. I know everything that I’m going to see on the way down and I know how to process the chaos. I don’t know how to process peace. I have become so aware of that fact. And believe me when I tell you, I’m working on it. I haven’t felt much peace in the last 4 months, but there have been brief moments and they were glorious. And I really want more of that.
I am currently working on gratitude. Of course I am grateful for everything that I have. It’s the constant nagging feeling that I’m not grateful enough that gnaws at me. I also don’t believe that I actually deserve anything good. That I’ve made enough trash mistakes in my life to never deserve another good thing ever. But that’s not true. I am human, just like everyone else, and we all make mistakes. It’s how we grow and learn. And I have put myself in a permanent purgatory that I need to get out of. I will get out of that mindset eventually.
Another thing I’ve become painfully aware of is that I compare myself to others, A LOT. I don’t know where that comes from but I’m digging that up and letting that go as well. It really makes me feel gross. The anger that builds within me is something that I have to get to the bottom of. That’s some deep rooted shit that I wasn’t even aware of. And now that I’m aware, it has to stop. So that’s another thing on my list of things I’m working on. It’s a fucking never ending list but I guess I’m glad that I am finally making one?
I’m just tired of feeling “less than”. It stems from me. No one is deliberately making me feel that way. There is just no confidence, no sense of pride, no nothing when it comes to the way I think or feel about myself. And I’m really trying to get to a point where I feel okay with being me. I have moments where I feel really good about myself, but they are always followed with this feeling of absolute cringe. Like I just want to hide under a rock for having the audacity to think I was something special, even if just for a moment. I can’t explain it, but it’s horrible and I don’t know how I’ll ever get past it. I have a feeling I know where it started, but it’s going to take a lot of work to eliminate that shadow and as you’ve read here, I’m exhausted. And those cringy feelings often prevent me from working on it further. So it’s just this never ending cycle of wanting to get to a good place with myself and then thinking that it’s stupid for me to want that.
It just feels easier to give up. Of course it does. It feels easier to just give up on the whole process. The idea of loving and respecting myself seems so foreign and unattainable to me and I don’t want to do the work. I want instant results and as soon as I get close to some sort of breakthrough, my self sabotage mode kicks in and I’m right back to square one with the negative self talk and feeling like shit. Again, I know how to process that chaos. Going beyond that takes me to a place that I don’t know and so I stop myself, consciously or unconsciously, doesn’t matter. I just make it stop because what if I change? What if things get better? What if I can’t complain all the time? What if it’s better than I expected? What if I end this terrible loop of self loathing? What will happen then?
The answer to all of this is just letting go of the need to control the outcome. And clearly I’m not healed enough yet to do that. Life has thrown some serious curve balls at me and I’m so jaded. My brain is hardwired now to only be afraid that if I get happy or excited about something it will get taken away. So I don’t allow myself to fully embrace anything because I’m scared that if I enjoy it too much it will get ripped from my hands. There needs to be a shift in my perspective. I don’t know why I hold on so tightly. Clearly if things are meant for me, they will stay in my life. Why can’t my brain grasp that concept?
I will cross that bridge. It’s the only way I will ever get out of the current state of mind that I’ve been in. And although I wasn’t a patient person to begin with, my impatience is growing. I want to get to the good part already. The part where I’m not a fucking miserable bridge troll who can’t see the beauty that is already all around me. Living in a constant state of fear isn’t doing anything for me. It’s killing me from the inside out. And I guess I’m finally at the point now where I have to hold myself accountable and say enough is enough. I have been trying to fight this for the last 4 months and that’s not working. Clearly. The same thoughts just play on repeat and I’m sick of hearing them. It’s just that I don’t know how to do this. My ability to stay consistent with the work that I’ve been doing is non-existent. Like I said, as soon as I see some good changes happening, I stop them in their tracks.
So I have to dare to take that next step. To be okay with whatever the outcome is. To be okay with the possibility of change and just going with it. To be okay with having dreams and working on making them come true, without being so damn scared if they do or they don’t. To sit in the stillness and just exist without all the bullshit. We are changing the perspective this week, that’s the goal…
As always, thanks for reading ❤
when the room gets dark and I am quiet, there’s a voice that’s soft like someone’s silhouette, sayin’ don’t let me go yet…
Song name: IF I DARE/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2017
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 