PMA

time to face up to the inevitable, I guess I might be losing it from staying at home… I dumb it down to jeopardy and late night TV (and I don’t even like it), safe to say I know I’m not the only one, and I don’t have time for all this time I’ve wasted…

Day number whatever. Going on 4 fucking brutal months of this shit. What a ride. I feel like I am just wasting time. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I’m just here, being uncomfortable. All of these feelings and memories just bubbling up to the surface leaving me feeling exposed and angry. I can’t remember the last time I had a day that didn’t involve crying.

I know you’re probably tired of reading this shit. I’m tired of writing it. But this is a spiritual journey, no matter which way I try to slice it. I try to get away from it. I try to run from it. And as soon as I think I’ve got a good lead, there it is breathing down my neck. I use all of the psychological and anti-anxiety tools that I have to try and work out all of the demons. I have tools and I use them, I swear. And if one more person asks me if I have considered going to therapy… sigh… Of course I have. I have been depressed before, this is not that. I would like very much to be heavily sedated right now. Not feeling any of these feelings. Not dealing with any of my bullshit.

Every spiritual thing that I listen to tells me to do shadow work. It’s all in the shadows man, you gotta do the work! So of course I ran to the Amazon and got myself the best shadow workbook on the market. Let’s fucking do this. Except I hate it. It’s like doing MadLibs with all your bullshit. I have tried to give it chance. I thought maybe I’m just doing it wrong. So I watched countless YouTube videos on how to really dig deep and get down to the nitty gritty. And these prompts that they give to get you moving just make me roll my eyes. “When I was a child, my parents did ______ and that made me feel _______.” Stop. Just stop. I know what my triggers are. I know that my inner child is screaming and I’m doing my best to give her what she needs.

The thing is that I couldn’t be more different from either one of my parents. They avoid all the feelings. And somehow they got a daughter that feels everything to her core. My mother is doing her best to deal with my current situation the best way that she can. She doesn’t get it, but I appreciate that most of the time she tries. I try to explain it the best way that I can, but I don’t even fully understand it. We have our moments, but luckily she moves on pretty quickly from whatever bullshit we get into.

And if we want to talk about my fucking shadows, there is my father hiding in plain sight. There is no one, and I mean no one on this planet that I strive to be less like, and I see more of him in me than I could have ever imagined. His lack of love and care have destroyed me and I’ve been working for the last 3 years on fixing everything that he broke. I look in the mirror and I see his face and there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. That man has consistently had one foot out the door my entire life so why was I surprised or hurt when he made his final escape?

I don’t blame my parents for anything. I am an adult and take responsibility for my life. They did the best that they could and I’m not going to live my life thinking about what was lacking. I had a roof over my head and 3 meals a day. It took a village to raise me and I’m grateful. It’s just with all of the work that I’m doing, I’m finding that there were emotional needs that were not met and I’m over here trying to fill up this empty and crusty cup by myself. I have people in my life who are in my corner and love me even when I don’t deserve it. But the shit that I’m lacking is rooted deep in my DNA. This breakdown has been in the works for years. I was always going to get to this breaking point because the trauma is stuck in the past. Until I can successfully move it and let go of the really bitchy stuff, I’m just going to be stuck in this place.

The worst part is that I don’t even care about this shit. Who cares about shit that happened when you were a child? In the grand scheme of things why does any of this matter? For me personally, I can’t see why it’s my responsibility to heal the pain within my family. To heal all the ancestral wounds. I don’t have children to pass the trauma down to. It’s going to die with me so why do I have to do all of this?! How is it possible that I chose this?

I don’t know how or why, but I did. Well, my soul did. And somehow I’m the vessel that’s going to end this shit. The most unhinged person ever born gets to figure it all out. Go figure. I want this to end. There are days where I don’t see any end in sight. There are days where I feel like I will never see light again. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I am far from perfect but I know I’ve done and continue to do enough good that I fucking deserve happiness. I need to know and own my worth. I need to stop feeling guilty about things that literally do not matter anymore. I need to keep reminding myself that this is all for a reason. It’s about learning to let go. It’s about not needing anyone’s validation but my own. It’s about being okay from the inside out. And I’m getting there but God dammit if I ever start feeling normal again, I’m having a fucking party.

Life is a never ending journey and there will always be lessons to learn. This is the biggest lesson and I have to get to the point of at least getting one toe over that threshold. Maybe I have, but it really doesn’t feel like it. And I really hope that some day I won’t feel like this anymore. Like there is a hole in my soul…

what are you trying to fix me for? maybe I’m broken but I’m not sure… am I depressed or am I just bored? apathy and irony, post modern anxiety… tell me you’re okay, yeah what’s that like? rose tinted glasses, that must be nice, doing your best while you die inside, apathy and irony, post modern anxiety…

Song name: PMA/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2021