it’s a mad, mad world, trying not to lose my shit about it, in a bad, bad mood, maybe I should take a hit about it, any other day I’d need a hug like a teddy-bear, now the room’s on fire, need to get some air, oh, bless this mess hallelujah, thoughts n’ prayers, so what, who cares?
Happy September. I’m not counting the days anymore. The entire summer was dedicated to being a total fucking downer and I’m really doing my best to stop giving in. Acknowledging the amount of days that I’ve been on this journey is just giving it more power, and trust when I say, it doesn’t need more than it already has. So let’s talk about some things that have bubbled up to the surface…
I’ll start off by saying that this journey is not for the faint of heart. It’s actually a bastard. The path to learning to love yourself is long and hard (that’s what she said). Like, you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sitting with that discomfort is unbearable, most days. Some days I get through it like a champ, just blocking all the negativity and morphing it into something positive. But most of my days have been filled with heavy thoughts that consume me. They make me question everything. And I mean, I guess that’s good? I’m here and I’m doing all of this for a reason and need to figure it the fuck out. So progress is progress, I can’t bitch about it anymore.
There are days when I wonder if this is all just made up in my head and I’m actually having a nervous breakdown. Like how is it possible that I just spontaneously combusted like this?! That one day out of the clear blue sky, everything that I have ever built just collapsed? Well, it was built on an absolute trash foundation of excuses, trauma, guilt, shame, regret and general self loathing. It all had to come crashing down so that I can build it correctly. It’s just so fucking late in the game and I’m exhausted. But, there’s no time like the present and I’m in it now!
I have become hyper aware of a LOT of shit. I don’t know if I was just sleep walking around before, but I am wide awake now. There are things that never bothered me before that now bring general anxiety and unrest. The environments that are a part of my everyday life now put me on edge. I have been going to NYC by myself since I was a teenager and never had any fears. When return to work after COVID happened, things got fucking weird here. And they’ve only gotten progressively worse. The general vibe of the city is fucking nuts and walking 6 blocks to work feels like absolute chaos. Head on a swivel, can’t put the music on too loud so that I can also hear anyone in front or behind me. There are at least 3 people on every corner trying to sell me drugs and everything smells like skunk weed. It’s fucking wild and I hate it. I’m sorry, that’s no way to start your day before you’ve even had the opportunity to caffeinate. I get to the office and I’m wound the fuck up.
Another thing that I’ve learned that has made me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious is that I have spent my life basing my worth on the amount of money that I have. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the women in my family, particularly on the maternal side, are completely fucking cursed when it comes to financials. It’s just this long line of women taking care of fucking everything that we overextend ourselves to the point of financial hardship. It’s fucking bonkers and eye opening and really fucking sad. A long line of women who don’t ask for anything and get no help because it’s just assumed we have got it covered. This particular subject makes me really fucking angry, hence all of the F-bombs I’m dropping, so I’m not going to discuss it further. I’m working on it though.
Finding that my worth is not based on money or past mistakes has been eye opening for me. So much of my identity was built on shaming myself and playing victim to all of the hardship in my life. In hindsight, nothing is that serious. I am one human trying to do it all by myself and then crying about it when no one swoops in to help me. I’ve literally been deflecting help my entire life, so of course no one is going to jump in. I never allowed it. I’m at the point now though where I am tired of working so damn hard. I see people coasting and I’m like how the fuck are you doing that? Aren’t you anxious about all of the things?! They probably are, but do a WAY better job at hiding it.
The general vibe of Earth right now is unrest. I feel like I know a lot more people going through some shit than not. And that’s okay. This is one season that we just have to get through. Flow and grow and all that jazz. Life is really fucking heavy and the world around us is on fire. It’s getting harder to focus on what is important when there is so much unimportant shit constantly being thrown at us from every angle. Just hold on tight to your people. The people who are there for you no matter what. Who only want to see you thrive and vice versa. All of the other shit will fall away organically as you stop giving it space. We are all going through something, so maybe if we all try approaching things with some grace and kindness, things will get a little easier? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, read the room. If you see someone is struggling mentally or at the point of sheer exhaustion, maybe just leave them alone? Just a million little things we could be doing to make it lighter around here.
I’m working on calming down and trying to focus on things that make me happy. Things that make me happy may not make sense to others, but I can’t make that my primary focus anymore. I mean, I’m not going to be a dick about it, but I have literally never focused on myself ever, so I think it’s time. The biggest obstacle that I’ve been having to navigate through is trying to explain to people in my life that the way I currently am should not be putting any sort of pressure or create any upheaval in their lives. But I have woven myself into so many webs that it’s difficult for them to understand and navigate through themselves. I get it. But my primary focus has to be me going forward, and if it affects others, all I can do is apologize. Everyone will adapt. This is life and it changes every single day. And it seems to be that I was the only one getting hit with those changes and tying everything up nicely with a bow. And I can’t do that anymore and that has to be okay.
I always hear that you can’t pour from an empty cup. When I finally looked at my cup I saw that not only was it fucking bone dry, but there was dust collecting in it! I washed it out and we are starting fresh. I am going to ask for help when I need it. I am going to accept help when it’s offered. And I’m going to do my best to not feel like a failure when either one of those things happen. Life can be a real bitch sometimes, and I really do admire the people who can take it with a grain of salt. I’m envious of it and hope to get to that mental mindset someday. For now I’m crawling there at a snail’s pace, but at least I’m finally moving.
As always, thanks for reading. This has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but seasons change and I’ll get through it. There is still some darkness, but the little glimmers of light that are shining through are giving me more hope that there is a way out…
drifting through this fever dream in microplastic submarines, your body is not yours it seems, what the fuck is happening? don’t tell me to calm down, tell me to calm down, it’s freaking me out that you’re not freaking out, don’t tell me I’ll be fine, even if you’re right, it’s freaking me out, don’t tell me to calm down…
Song name: CALM DOWN/ Artist: All Time Low/ Year: 2023
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 