MISGUIDED GHOSTS

I am going away for a while but I’ll be back don’t try and follow me, ’cause I’ll return as soon as possible… see, I’m trying to find my place, but it might not be here where I feel safe, we all learn to make mistakes and run from them, from them with no direction, we’ll run from them, from them, with no conviction… ’cause I’m just one of those ghosts travelin’ endlessly, don’t need no roads, in fact, they follow me and we just go in circles…

I wasn’t myself today. Whoever that is. I wasn’t her. I wasn’t anyone really. It felt like I starting back at day 1. Today is day 65. And I felt completely lost.

Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. It’s hard for me to explain. But it just kind of felt like I was there. And I just tried my hardest to stay under the radar because I didn’t know how to navigate through it. It was new for me and so I just tried to let it ride, whatever it was.

Everyone I came in contact with today made it a point to let me know that my usual cheery, albeit fake, disposition was missing today. Making a very big deal of the fact that I wasn’t being myself. Telling me I need to do better or fix whatever was happening because it was bothering them. I was still being so kind despite all of that. I didn’t react like I normally would. I just wanted them to let me be.

I came to a big realization today and it was validated as I scrolled through my friends’ stories on Instagram. A reel popped up that said “Be careful during your healing journey, some people like you better broken.” That sounds so incredibly harsh, but it’s the truth. This whole journey has been very difficult for me to navigate and I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But the saddest part about today, with everyone pecking at me about how I was in a bad mood, when I wasn’t in any mood, actually, made me realize that when I’m not who I was before I started this, I don’t make sense to them. And it’s not that I don’t still want to be that person who cares for people. It’s that caring about myself has become a priority and that’s weird for all of us.

I have done a lot of work but starting the day feeling like the slate was wiped clean felt like a failure at first. It got a little less heavy as the day went on. I felt a twinge of hope that maybe this was a good thing? I’m always feeling ALL the feelings, so to not have any felt foreign but was also kind of peaceful. I felt like a ghost, with no real purpose. I was just here/there, existing. And I’m not writing this as a cry for help or anything. I know this isn’t permanent and I’ll be fine. I felt the need to write about it because maybe somewhere out there in the world someone else is feeling this and needed to know they’re not alone. I don’t fucking know anymore.

I did the absolute best that I could today. I stayed as light as I could. I even walked away when I saw that I was about to be seriously triggered into a reaction. It makes me sad to think that I did absolutely nothing to anyone, but because I was going through something and wasn’t my normal self, that made people mad enough to keep bringing it up to the point of trying to get a reaction out of me. My unintentional peace, rattled them. That’s not a me problem, that’s a them problem.

I feel like I have always done everything that I’m supposed to do. I’ve kept it together for everyone even when it felt like I was about to fall apart. I’ve done everything that everyone has asked of me. I went through the motions because that was easier than fighting for myself. I was uncomfortable and sad and lost sight of my value. I can still do all the things, but I’m also allowed to focus on myself every now and then. I can’t put on a show to entertain everyone anymore. It’s my fault because I allowed it. And I’m here in this very weird void because of it. I want to give you the real me, I just need to find her.

My thoughts are always coming in at 1,000 per hour and today I didn’t even care. I paid them no mind. They were all trash. They were all ego driven and served no purpose. Half of them didn’t even make sense. The fact that I knew that and made it a point to ignore them is a huge testament to the progress I’ve made. There were no unnecessary panic attacks or spirals today. And the biggest improvement that I saw was that I did not change my behavior to accommodate anyone else, which is something that the people pleaser in me would have done.

I didn’t enjoy today, but I didn’t hate it. And I’m going to use whatever today was as a jumping off point. Because I’m not exhausted from a racing heart or so many adrenaline rushes for no reason. I’m actually doing alright I guess? Today showed me that I actually do have the ability to let things go and start putting the pieces of myself back together. Even if it’s taking longer than I’d like. Even if I have set backs. I have to keep going. There is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel and it feels like I got a tiny glimpse of it today.

Quick side note: lets try to do better. If you see someone you care about going through some shit, let them go through it. They’re not actively trying to ruin your day. They’ll talk it out with you if they feel like it. And I’m not saying we all need to walk around and feel each other’s feelings. But read the fucking room please. If you don’t want to be bothered with someone going through some shit, then don’t. Just walk the fuck away. That’s okay too.

Good things are coming, I know they are. I know that this is a necessary shift for me. I have spent so many days in the dark but I have faith that the light is on its way. I’m grateful that I have the ability to see that now. And I’m grateful for this journey. It’s complicated but so am I. It’s day 65 and I was a ghost. And that just has to be okay for now.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than I can express right now (insert heart hands here).

misguided ghosts travelin’ endlessly, the ones we trusted the most pushed us far away… and there’s no one road, and we should not be the same, but I’m just a ghost, and still they echo me, they echo me in circles…

Song name: MISGUIDED GHOSTS/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2009