when this began I had nothing to say and I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me, (I was confused), and I let it all out to find that I’m not the only person with these things in mind, (inside of me), but all the vacancy the words revealed
is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel, (nothing to lose), just stuck, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own, and the fault is my own…
Day 60
I have been consciously sitting with myself for 60 days. 60 days of every emotion you can think of making it’s way out of me every single day. 60 days of being uncomfortable, unsure of who I am and feeling like I’m wearing a mask. 60 long days with no end in sight. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten a little bit better. 60 days ago, I didn’t think that I would make it even one more day. I felt like I had nothing left. I know that’s not the case anymore. Obviously, I made it and continue to make it. I wish that I could say that 60 days ago I was just being dramatic or having a mid-life crisis, but it’s so much more than that. And I can’t explain it, so I’ll leave it at that.
So, what have I been doing? Well, I haven’t had any AH-HA moments or anything. It’s all very normal and seems like I already knew whatever things I have “discovered” about myself, but am finally acknowledging them. I’m realizing a lot of things that I don’t like. Whether it’s about myself directly or the way others treat me. I guess that’s a good start? I had been very comfortable living in a fog of ignoring things so that everyone else was alright, even if it meant that I wasn’t. And like I previously said, I am very fucking uncomfortable as the fog has been lifting.
I have been trying not to let myself be too much of a hermit. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere, that I’m just this awkward puzzle piece no one knows what to do with. It makes me feel strange and out of sorts. I have been trying really hard to talk things out and not let them eat me up. But most of the time I just feel like I’m rambling, not really making much sense. I keep saying that I just want clarity. I want my brain to stop feeling like it’s scrambled eggs. I want to start feeling like a 42 year old woman who has her life together and stop feeling like a lost little girl. It’s fucking infuriating. I just want to get to a good place, a place that makes sense, and some days that feels impossible.
Anyway, I’ve been stuck way longer than the last 60 days. I’ve become complacent and it’s not okay with me anymore. And every single day I ask loudly into the void “Can you please leave me alone and let me go back to the way it was before?! When I was just a doormat and my life was easy?! Please! I don’t want to do this anymore!” And the one thing that has not wavered this entire time is that every time I say something like that, I am shown that the answer to my question is NO, we cannot go back to the way it was before. That I have to keep going on this path, even if I’m kicking and screaming as I go.
I don’t see things in black and white. I see it all in color, or gray, depending on my mood. And I envy the people who can just see black or white. It must be really nice to be able to make decisions based on logic and facts without attaching any feelings to the decision or the outcome. If you’re like me and your heart, not your mind, guides you, we are pretty freakin’ hopeless, aren’t we? I wish that my heart and brain could agree with each other on literally anything. But it feels like there is this perpetual argument going on between them all day every day. It’s not that I don’t know how or have the ability to make logical decisions, it’s that the logical decisions don’t make sense to me. If it doesn’t feel right to me, it takes a lot of over thinking and convincing for me to make the correct choice.
I’ve been working in the shadows of myself. Figuring out triggers and why I react the way I do to certain people or things. It’s all buried in the depths of my soul and getting it out has been, you guessed it, uncomfortable. However, there are times throughout the day where I catch myself feeling some type of way about someone or something and I will actually stop and say out loud “STOP! Who fucking cares?! This does NOT matter!” And believe it or not, that helps a LOT. Because these stupid triggers, which I wasn’t even aware of, are insignificant to the person I’m trying to become. These are things that no longer serve me, and they’ve got to go. So taking a moment to stop them in their tracks has been really helpful. The point is to get to a place of response, not reaction.
The most uncomfortable thing about this whole journey has been realizing that I am the problem. The good news is that I’m also the solution. In this moment, I have no idea what will actually make me happy. Of course there are things in my life that bring happiness with them, and of course I’m grateful for those things. When I say “Happy”, I guess what I mean is what will ultimately get me to the point where being in this awful, negative headspace isn’t the norm. That the goal is to be content always, and when awful, negative stuff happens, it bothers me the correct way and I can feel it and then go back to being content. I’m tired of this end of the world feeling that I’ve got going on. That when good things happen to me, I’m afraid to embrace them because I’m waiting for the negative thing to swoop in and knock me on my ass. I self sabotage and ruin good things because I’m afraid of an outcome that I can’t predict. I don’t want to live like that anymore. There has to be a shift.
I know that I will never stop learning for as long as I live. I know that once I get to a good place there will always be more. I want to keep learning and growing, but getting to that good place where I feel like a whole person is the goal right now. Removing the negative feelings behind every single thing is my primary focus, it’s a poison and it’s unnecessary. And I promise you that I’m trying. I’m going to come out of this a better person, I just need a little more patience and perseverance, and most days I don’t even know where to find those things. I know that we are all a little broken, it’s what makes us beautiful in our own ways. I just need to keep working on healing the parts that can be healed. Anything beyond that will be a bonus.
If you made it to the end, as always, I appreciate you. Thanks for reading…
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real, I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long, (erase all the pain ’til it’s gone), I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real, I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along, somewhere I belong…
Song name: SOMEWHERE I BELONG/ Artist: Linkin Park/ Year: 2003
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 