FREE

sometimes I wonder if I should be medicated, if I would feel better just slightly sedated, a feeling comes so fast and I cannot control it, I’m on fire, but I’m trying not to show it… as it picks me up, puts me down, a hundred times a day…

Day 36…

36 days have passed since my whole world shifted. But who’s counting, right? Been doing a lot of work, not seeing instant results and so I’m frustrated. There are more dark days than light. I cherish the light days and try to carry them with me into the next day but it feels like I hold on to them so tight that I crush them. There are never 2 light days in a row. There are never 2 good sleep nights in a row. The only continuity in this journey is that nothing is continuous. Every day is just a clean slate and I never know what it will look like until I’m in it.

I’ve been working on a lot of things, but I still have these feelings of total confusion and uneasiness at all times. I have nothing to be anxious about currently. I am doing my best to stay present, not dwell in the past or look into the future beyond today. It’s almost like I’m holding someone else’s energy, which sounds absolutely bat shit crazy, I know. I know that I have a lot of unresolved shit bubbling to the surface, but I don’t feel bad when those things make their way out. It’s in those moments where I feel peace, even if it’s only for a moment. It feels nice. Again, I try to grasp onto it, but it’s only a moment. It passes and I go right back to feeling uneasy and out of sorts. And I’m saying that it’s not my energy because I am unfamiliar with these things that I’m feeling. I’ve been anxious my whole life, I know that that feels like. This shit that I’m feeling doesn’t feel like mine. And yes, I’m aware of how crazy that sounds…

Yesterday started off really great. I got to step out of my mind at an art exhibit. It’s nice to sit and enjoy something that takes over the majority of your senses and quiets the internal chaos. And I’ve been trying to do more things like that because they bring me peace. By the time the afternoon had rolled around, everything I experienced earlier in the day felt like a very distant memory. I kept trying to remind myself what it felt like and that I took videos of my favorite parts so that I could go there whenever I wanted to. But the problem is, when I get these really weird feelings, I freeze. It’s almost like I forget how to just be. Everything feels wrong and the desire to make it right is nonexistent.

I was going to visit with my grandmother and I remember saying, out loud in my car before I got out, “Please leave me alone while I visit my grandmother. Please just give me 30 minutes of peace.” I was not granted 30 minutes of peace, maybe 5, tops. When I got home I did my best to keep those weird feelings at bay. I spent time with my husband and puppy and watched shows and talked about things that made me happy. As much as I try to get away from this whole thing and proclaim, with the utmost confidence, that I am done and that I don’t want to be on this journey anymore, the universe always manages to send me signs to keep going. I feel gratitude and resentment at the same time.

There is still so much I need to fix and I’m exhausted. I gave myself one goal this past weekend: to find a tiny box where I kept my most important jewelry. I have been periodically looking for it for months and trying not to freak out about it, I knew it was in my house somewhere. I hid it too well I guess. Anyway, Saturday hit the peak of “absolutely freak out about it mode” and I was inconsolable. My husband didn’t know how to help me. I was furious with myself for being so mixed up lately that I couldn’t remember where I hid a box that had my grandmother’s ring in it. I gave up and sat in the living room feeling sorry for myself. My husband called me into the bedroom a few minutes later. Poor guy, I don’t know how he deals with me. But he looked in the one spot I didn’t think to look and found the box. And I immediately hugged him and broke down in happy tears. And the reason why I put it there came back to me immediately and I felt so stupid that I let myself spiral the way I did. I got to the point where I was freaking out so much that I couldn’t even think straight. Thank God my husband still had his wits about him and saved the day.

It’s hard for me to put into words all the shit that I’m going through. And I’m sorry that these posts have been a little cuckoo bananas lately. It’s more than I can handle right now, but somehow I’m handling it. And I have no idea if I’m even doing the right things but I’m doing my best. There is still so much that I don’t understand. Some days I’m really eager to learn, and other days I feel like I’ll never be able to move forward. Everything still feels so unstable and I just want some clarity. I have to trust that if I keep doing the work, it will come. It still feels so selfish to me to take time and take care of myself, but it also feels like I don’t have a choice. Every time I try to ignore it, it pulls me back in.

I am trying to walk through this thing with as much grace as possible. I’m trying so hard to get to the bottom of it so that I can stop feeling this way. This is some soul level shit that I’ve never dealt with before and I’m just trying to deal with it as gracefully as possible. I know this is a very weird and different thing for most people to understand, so I don’t want to scare anyone away. And I really do appreciate the amount of support that I’ve gotten during this time. I don’t know how much longer this will go on, but I don’t want wear out my welcome so I mostly keep to myself about all of it.

Anyway, I’m good, I promise. I hate this journey right now but I’m grateful for it. I know that it’s leading me to be the best version of myself and that I need to approach it with more patience. I will get there. If you made it to the end, I appreciate it very much. If you don’t mind coming along for this wild ride, I’m happy to share it…

but I hear the music, I feel the beat, and for a moment, when I’m dancing, I am free…

Song name: FREE/ Artist: Florence + the Machine/ Year: 2022