I went on the search for something real, traded what I know for how I feel, but the ceiling and the walls collapsed, upon the darkness I was trapped, and as the last of breath was drawn from me, light broke in and brought me to my feet…
I’m going through something that’s very hard to describe or explain. But most mornings I wake up in a panic. Completely overwhelmed and in the fetal position. UPON WAKING UP. And I let myself sit with that panic for a little bit. Sobbing with hot tears pouring out of my eyes and unable to get a steady breath going. It scares me a little bit because, in those moments, I don’t know what to do. I get myself out of it eventually, but those moments knock the wind out of me. I’ve been all over the place lately and I am finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together to understand why. I can’t quite put it into words right now, so I’m not going to try to explain it and sound even crazier. It’s called Dark Night of the Soul. Google it and you might get a small glimpse into what I’m currently dealing with.
There is a hole in my soul and I’m trying to fix it. And I have to start with self love. I don’t know if you have taken the time to read most of the posts in this self loathing blog, but my self love isn’t even par. It’s sub sub sub par. Maybe even rock bottom. And I’ve given myself nothing but excuses my whole life. Always walking around like a Debbie downer. Well not always, but enough times for me to notice. Fuck, this whole blog is just one giant downer lately. About how I’ve been struggling and blah blah blah. I’m over it. And I’m going through it right now and I’m actually trying to work on it because I can’t continue living like this.
So, most days, I’m diving in, head first, when I’m not sobbing my eyes out. I’m aware that there’s no more time for games. No more being complacent. No more nonsense. Gotta shed this destructive ego of mine. It’s not doing me any good. It makes me feel battered and bruised when no one even laid a finger on me. It makes me think things that aren’t real. It has me searching for validation in places where I won’t get it. It lets me believe that I’m the victim when I’m so far from that it’s not even funny. I have all the things I need and then some. And I feel so silly that I’ve behaved this way for as long as I have.
The last 20 days have been absolutely brutal. Like, really really brutal. Unbearable. I had no idea why at first. And then I talked it out with my spiritual goddess and I felt so validated but so silly. Everything that I’ve been working on the last few years may finally have reached its pinnacle. And I’m really fucking uncomfortable. And I’m sitting with my thoughts and I fucking hate it. But this is apparently what I need to do so that I can become the person I’m supposed to be. I have been giving myself excuses my whole entire life. I have been so horrible to myself. I have been taught that I shouldn’t be a priority. And look at where it got me. It got me exactly to the place I’m supposed to be. And honestly, these last 20 days have been a rollercoaster that I just want to get the fuck off of already.
The days feel longer and longer. I’m still not sleeping as much as I should. My dreams are vivid and weird. It feels empty inside my body. Like I don’t have a heart. But then, a bad thought creeps in and my heart makes me painfully aware that it is, in fact, very much there and it is not okay. I question everything and wonder if I’ll make it through whatever this is. And I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking that I should probably see a mental health professional as soon as possible. And I will tell you that it’s a no for me. I can’t even begin to describe what I’m going through, nor do I want to discuss it with someone who is going to prescribe me medication that I’ve already taken that didn’t work. I promise you that I am aware of what is going on, I haven’t gone crazy and medicating me will not help right now.
Yesterday I was over all of it. I said, out loud, to the universe, spirit, God, whatever you choose, that I was done. That I wish you would just leave me alone. That I’m not cut out for this shit and that I’m fine being who I was before I started exploring spirituality. That I don’t care about my intuition or my purpose here on earth. That I just want to coast for the rest of my life doing whatever it is that everyone else needs me to do for them. I was frantically waving the white flag. And then something really weird happened. I went on YouTube, like I’ve been obsessively doing these last 20 days trying to make sense of what the fuck I’m going through, and this video came up. It was a tarot reading from someone I’ve never seen before. And it said Pisces in the title, and I’m a Pisces, so I clicked on it. And the message through the entire hour was “you can not give up. You have to do what you were born to do.” And there was so much more mind blowing shit that happened in this one hour video and I understood that the video was there for me to see. And that maybe I should try to use what resonates, even though I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.
The bottom line is that I need to heal and let go. Like, really let go. Anything that is harmful to me needs to go. The horrible thoughts about myself. The bullshit family trauma. The shame. The guilt. And most importantly, my very harmful ego. Until I shed that destructive layer, nothing will make sense. I’m here for a reason and I am finally starting to believe that everything that has made its way into and out of my life has a purpose. And I need to stop feeling like these things are happening TO me. I need to start believing that they are happening FOR me. And I know that sounds insane, but it’s all I’ve got right now. This whole thing has changed me in a way I never expected. I can map out everything that got me to this point like some crazy Good Will Hunting unsolvable math equation and it’s fucking wild.
I’m fucking exhausted but my eyes will not close. And it’s infuriating. I feel alone but do not want anyone’s help. I don’t want to bring anyone down into the darkness with me. So I keep it light. Everything I’m doing on the outside does NOT reflect what I’m feeling on the inside. Inside I am a fucking mess. I feel lost, hopeless, broken and sad but I’m doing my best. And even though the bad moments are currently outweighing the good, those good little moments have been helping me through. I promise I’m going to make it out of this darkness. This is a road I never saw myself traveling but I’m going to make it through. If you see me in real life, I promise I’m okay. I’m just going through it. I’m in it and it fucking sucks. So don’t ask me if I’m okay. Just talk to me about all of the good shit you’ve got going on in your life. I’m not okay, but I will be. I am, after all, a magical fucking unicorn.
If you made it to the end of this post, I appreciate you. I know it seems like I’m in the upside down, and I probably am a little bit, but I got this. And if you need me, despite everything you just read, I’m always here for you…
there’s no fortune at the end of the road that has no end, there’s no returning to the spoils once you’ve spoiled the thought of them, there’s no falling back to sleep once you’ve awakened from the dream, now I’m rested and I’m ready, I’m rested and I’m ready to begin…
Song name: FEBRUARY SEVEN/ Artist: The Avett Brothers/ Year: 2012
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 