HUMAN

I can turn it on, be a good machine, I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need, be your everything… I can do it, I can do it, I’ll get through it… but I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down, I’m only human and I crash and I break down, your words in my head, knives in my heart, you build me up and then I fall apart, ’cause I’m only human…

Today was a fucking day, dude. Been having more of those lately. I can’t fucking sleep. I love sleep, so it really annoys me that I can’t do it. But I’m tapering off of Zoloft, because I’m so done with being medicated, and so my sleep schedule is all messed up. There’s no reason for me to lie about it here. I was on meds and I no longer wish to be on them. I didn’t quit cold turkey, I’m tapering off again, and I’m learning how to feel all the feelings. And it’s really fucking hard.

I keep repeating myself in these posts because these thoughts are at the forefront of my brain. It sucks right now because I’m in the thick of it and I just want to get the fuck out. I’m tired of dealing with this. I have no patience. As grateful as I am for finally waking up and trying to take care of myself, part of me despises this journey and how uncomfortable I feel on a daily basis. Learning about me and my needs makes me feel icky.

I’ve been extra sensitive lately. Not that I wasn’t sensitive before, but it’s too damn much now. It’s like someone turned the waterworks knob all the way up in my brain and then broke it off and now it won’t stop. It was probably me. I was probably like “what’s this? and then broke it, not realizing what it was, shrugged my shoulders, tossed the knob in the garbage and walked away. And it’s not for any particular reason except that all the feelings make me cry. Like all the emotions are making their way out of my eyeballs. When I’m extra happy, I cry. Sad for a second, cry. Frustrated, cry. It’s absolutely insane and I have to believe that eventually I will cry myself out and it will finally stop.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am just one human in this very big world. That I can’t do everything. I can do anything because I’m a magical unicorn, but I can’t do everything. I used to thrive doing everything all at once. And now, cue the waterworks, she’s overwhelmed!

Setting boundaries has been the most difficult thing for me. I want to do what I want to do and when someone tries to prevent me from doing whatever that is, I get big mad. Like a little kid ready to throw a tantrum. I’m a grown ass woman, and that is absolutely unacceptable. So this week, with all of the lack of sleep and crying, I’m going to try to be productive and figure out ways for me to express myself in a healthy way instead of jumping straight to overreaction. That’s the goal for this week. Stop acting like a giant fucking baby. Seems doable.

I know we are all kind of going through it in some way so I guess the point of this post is that we all need to be a little nicer to ourselves. That when it’s too much, it’s okay to take a step back and check in with whatever shit you’re dealing with. Evaluate what’s on the very full plate, separate necessities, wants and needs and see what should take priority. What has to stay and what can go. It’s not easy, but we all have to start somewhere. Even if it’s removing one thing off the plate that makes it heavy, and not in a good way. Try to keep the things that make you smile. Believe it or not, those are necessities.

Side note: please remember that the people in your life will always be pushing you. Some of them really do have your best interests at heart. But there are some that aren’t doing it for your own good, but rather their own good. And you need to be able to recognize that and make sure it fits into what you’re trying to do for yourself.

I hope you’re doing alright. And I hope that you come here and know that you’re not alone in whatever you’re dealing with. And if you made it to the end of this mess, thanks for reading. I appreciate you!

I can take so much, ’til I’ve had enough… ’cause I’m only human…

Song name: HUMAN/ Artist: Christina Perri/ Year: 2014