BOTH SIDES NOW

rows and flows of angel hair, and ice cream castles in the air, and feather canyons everywhere, looked at clouds that way… but now they only block the sun, they rain and they snow on everyone, so many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way… I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down and still somehow it’s cloud illusions I recall, I really don’t know clouds at all…

I’m trying really hard not to be the sad girl. I’m trying really hard not to be the basket case. I’m trying really hard just to be normal. Well, normal for me. Which might not be normal for you, but whatever. I’m fighting every day in this battle with depression. And it may not be severe, but this is the saddest I have ever been. I’ve done too much work trying to get to the best version of myself but didn’t follow through with much of it and now I’m here, feeling all the feelings, and I don’t know what the fuck to do with them. Depression sucks. Add in anxiety and you’ve got a cocktail of chaos. Well, I’ve got a cocktail of chaos and it tastes like shit.

The truth is that I can’t keep up with it. I don’t want to keep up with it. I’m exhausted. I have a good life and it makes me mad that mental health makes me believe sometimes that I don’t. I know what I have but I struggle with being grateful. And that just makes me sadder because I feel like a piece of shit. Round and round we go! It’s a never ending cycle of self loathing and that makes life a little difficult. I keep falling into the same crap habits financially, mentally, physically, emotionally and I get mad and get myself out of these little bitchy fits and then I fall right back into it because one thing discourages me or brings me down. Round and round and round.

I chose this song today because, well Joni Mitchell. I don’t need to go further than that, but I will. I saw a video on YouTube today of Joni singing this song at the Newport Folk Festival this weekend and it sent chills up my spine. For the last few years she has been having major issues with her health and to see her singing on that stage was quite magical. Every singer that was on stage with her was either in tears or choking them back. There were times where she was faster or slower than the music and everyone on stage collectively helped her. They slowed the music down or sped it up or would start her off with the lyrics to the next verse. It was sad but it was also really beautiful. And by the end of the video I realized that I was bawling. The level of respect that every musician on the stage had for her was incredible to watch.

This song has always meant a lot to me. It’s filled with metaphors that I’ve always related to. Joni was a trailblazer in an industry that favored men and her songs were powerful and meaningful. I could go on and on about her, but that’s not what we are doing here today. If you listen to the re-recorded version of this song, it’s even better than the original. Her voice is deeper and I remember hearing that version and having a lump in my throat. Anyway, this song speaks to me. And I feel like it really speaks to what I’m currently feeling. So in typical me fashion, I listened to it 47,000 times today to make myself feel all the feelings and get them the fuck out of my body.

I’m struggling a lot in my day to day life. I’m struggling with working in an industry that favors men. I am a smart, educated, strong woman and I’m tired of being treated like an idiot. It’s exhausting fighting the battles everyday. The micromanagement is not needed and yet it’s happening all day. For some reason I’m apparently a crazy broad who you can’t give constructive criticism to. I don’t know when that happened but I would rather hear what I did wrong, or continue to do wrong, than constantly be told how to do my job. I thought I was good at it but am reminded every day that everything that I bring to the table is not enough.

I’m so deep in this depression that I don’t know if I’ve changed so much that it’s all of a sudden bothering me or if it’s been happening this entire time and didn’t ever bother me until now. It doesn’t matter, really. What matters is that it’s absolutely killing me. I can’t keep fighting this fight of trying to prove to people that I’m smart and I know what I’m doing when it won’t matter anyway. And yea, maybe it’s the case that my boss thinks that we are good and micromanagement is just how he operates. And maybe it could be the case that I’m working so hard on my mental health and setting boundaries that I don’t like it. Either way, it’s not something to easily discuss and quite frankly, I don’t want to do it.

I just feel like the tank is empty and with the price of gas these days… my goodness that was stupid and I apologize.