Each day I’m countin’ up the minutes ’til I get alone, ’cause I can’t stay in the middle of it all, it’s nobody’s fault, but I’m so low, never knew how much I didn’t know… oh, everything is uncharted…
I was ready to post a powerful blog last week. I was ready to get back into writing and let you all know how strong I am. How I was working on taking my power back and that life was too short to listen to narcissistic people and let them ruin my inner peace. I was ready to tell you that I was finally coming out of this super depressed and anxious state that I’ve been in and was finally ready to peek out of my turtle shell and see what’s up.
That feeling came and went. And I can’t apologize for yet another Debbie Downer post because this is the place where I get to be transparent about my feelings. This is the place where it’s ok to not be ok. And I’m not fucking ok. And I’m so fucking mad about it I could scream.
Last week I was having major stomach issues. The issues were a direct response to my crippling fucking anxiety. I’m a seasoned veteran in which stomach pain is which and it was definitely anxiety. I worked from home late last week because I couldn’t risk getting on the train and not making it to work. TMI? I don’t care. I felt so sick and so lost that I actually got down on my knees and prayed. I asked God and the Universe for help. I felt like I was losing my mind and just needed some clarity and peace. I cried. I tried to get a handle on what was upsetting me. I spoke to my husband and talked things out with him. I spoke my truth and the anxiousness started to subside.
And then, for the first time in 3 days, it finally felt like I could breathe a little. My thoughts stopped running a mile a minute in my head. I felt hopeful for a split second and it felt nice. And as quickly as it came, it vanished. My mother called to tell me that she fell down the stairs and that she thought she broke her arm. I ran to her house, took her to urgent care and eventually the ER, where she stayed all night. She did a real number on herself. She’s having surgery this week to get everything put back where it should be with plates and screws. There’s a game plan in place and I love a good game plan. The quicker we get her fixed the better.
It’s just like, really?
She’s upset. I can’t possibly imagine what that must have been like for her. How terrifying it was to fall like that and feel your body actually break. And she keeps apologizing to me for disrupting my life because I’m taking on the bulk of the responsibility. Am I upset? Yes, very. Is now the time to worry about me? Absolutely fucking not. It doesn’t matter what is going on in my life right now. She’s my mom. That’s it.
I’m just so incredibly sad. I’m scared of a million things every single day and they’re usually just stupid things I formulate in my head for no apparent reason. To actually have a reason sends me right back into the turtle shell. This scared the hell out of me and I know that she is the one who is in pain and recovery but I don’t know how long it will take me to mentally recover from this. First my grandmother, then my mom. The two pillars of who I am just fucking broken… It’s all fixable, but still.
I cried while I was driving home today. This song, Uncharted, shuffled and tears just started falling down my face. When I started writing here it was about trying to navigate through this crazy life as gracefully as possible. To write it out and move on. That this life is uncharted and we’re all just figuring it out as best we can. To make a safe place for people to come to when they weren’t feeling their best. And I just feel like I’m failing miserably at all of it.
The thing that made me saddest is thinking that maybe peace is just not meant for me in this lifetime. Maybe if I stop fighting it, stop trying to take my power back, stop trying to live this life for me, then maybe I will eventually find whatever peace I think I’m looking for? That life throws unexpected things at us at the most inopportune times to test our strength and maybe I’m just the strongest fucking person I know? That life is chaos that can’t be controlled and the sooner I get that into my thick fucking skull it will all get easier? Maybe.
I’m writing this through tears because that sounds so sad and defeatist, but guys, I don’t have much left. I’m too tired to fight. And I’m not going anywhere, I just feel like maybe I should just do whatever everyone else needs me to do and stop trying so hard to live a life that’s about me. Like, at this point, it seems very clear to me that I was put on this earth to take care of everyone else.
Today isn’t a bad day. I’m just having a cry baby moment and I’m allowing it because apparently I need it. I’m not going to suppress it. That only makes things worse. I feel very alone but I keep reminding myself that I am not. I just need to do a little mental regrouping and quit kicking and screaming at the life that is so obviously meant for me. Today isn’t a bad day but tomorrow will be better…
I know I’m getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like I’m going down, follow if you want, I won’t just hang around, like you’ll show me where to go,
I’m already out of foolproof ideas, so don’t ask me how to get started, it’s all uncharted…
Song name: UNCHARTED/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2010
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 