this hurts like hell but it feels right, far’s I can tell you’ve made your mind…
I’ll wish you well but won’t be on the other side biding my time, live your life… you’ve got your plans, I’ve got mine… who understands how stars align? if one’s shooting past then I’ll consider it a sign that you’re still alive… live your life…
It’s almost 2 months since the last time I sat down at my desk to write something. There have been a few times where I felt like I really wanted to put something out into the world, but then I got home, felt unmotivated and uninspired and decided not to do it. That’s so dumb because I have said, time and time again, that writing helps me get all the “stuff” out but I just haven’t been able to do it. I’m working through a lot of shit and I can admit that I let it get me. I let my dreams collect dust in the corner of my bedroom, not even wanting to look at them and see how they’re doing. Because honestly, I didn’t care. And even more honestly, I don’t really care right now. I know that sounds ridiculous, I’m just not there yet.
Turning 40 was unexpectedly huge for me. Not in a bad way. I don’t think that anything that I’m feeling is necessarily bad. I’m growing in a way that I’m not used to and so each day I’m just trying to roll with it. Parts of me are not the same and I have to remind myself, every day, that this is fine. That this very delayed growth spurt is exactly what I needed. I have shoved shit down and ignored it for too long and I’m just trying to deal with and rid myself of very hurtful things that have brought me to this point. Childhood trauma, being gas lit my entire life, dysfunctional families on both sides, trying to become a human being that I can be proud of… it’s all too much, but I’m getting through it. I’m trying really hard to break the cycle and it’s scary as hell.
I feel like the world outside of my bubble is a place that I am not ok with. I don’t like what I’m seeing and it’s making me really fucking depressed. We are a world divided and I don’t know why. I don’t care to argue with you about your politics, thoughts on abortion or vaccination status. And I sure as shit don’t go to Instagram to see it. I am a 40 year old woman living in a country that seems like it’s going through the same shit as I am. Having no clue what it’s identity is, what it’s supposed to be or how to deal with people who continually try to stop you from becoming who you want to be. I’m sick of people using social media to make you uncomfortable. I just wanna see pictures of your adorable kids, pets, family vacations, holidays, etc. I stopped using any form of social media (except Twitter, because it’s fucking fun there!) to discuss my political stance back in November when the whole fucking world lost it’s damn mind. I go to social media for the serotonin, not your bullshit.
I’m figuring out what makes me tick and it’s so frustrating. Things that I used to be fine with are no longer fine. I’m trying to speak up in a world where I don’t feel heard. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of trying to change people’s minds. I just try to do the right thing and I go to sleep at night (after the anxiety driven insomnia subsides) knowing that I was a good person today. I have grown so much in the last 2 decades of my life. And yea, I have my moments, but the way that I think and feel is different. I’m still a bleeding heart but I see things differently and that’s a really big deal for me.
When my stepfather passed away 20 years ago (there will be a post about him soon, I just can’t bring myself to do it yet) I went on a bender of just straight up alcoholic behavior. I didn’t want to feel anything. And it went on for years. I felt like the world owed me something for taking away the best person in my life at the time. Fuck, I can’t even get through this now without hot tears in my eyes. I abused my body, I made horrible decisions, I was a complete disaster. I calmed down somewhere around 25, but I was still a mess. 30, same thing. Scared to death of turning 30. I wasn’t married, didn’t have kids, didn’t do any of the things that society said I should have been doing. 35, I went to Disney and celebrated my ass off. And 40, well this was the year that I decided I want to live the right way.
I can’t do the fake shit anymore. I can’t keep looking for acceptance where I don’t belong. I can’t keep arguing with people and getting upset when we don’t agree. I can’t keep letting people walk all over me. I can’t keep doing the work to keep relationships alive when maybe this is just the way it has to be right now. I can’t keep trying to show you that I’m a good person if you don’t give a shit. I am done being the girl that searches for acceptance. I am accepted in all the right places in my life. Unlearning all of this has been rocky, but each day I’m getting better. And I know there’s a light at the end of this very dark place that I’ve been walking through.
So I will be writing more if you’re still interested. I will keep pushing through these very late growing pains. Taking responsibility for your life and how you live it is eye opening and really uncomfortable. Take your bad days one at a time. You’re allowed to have a bad day. You’re allowed to feel like some days aren’t a gift.
SIDE NOTE: It’s so funny because there are a few sides of social media, the place that consumes most of our day to day lives, it’s fine, we all do it. You have the very heavily charged political & post COVID-19 world, the regular people just posting their serotonin infused things, and the people who post their toxic positivity all over the place telling you that there are literally no bad days. Fuck all of that shit.
I am here to tell you that you are allowed to have bad days. Days when everything feels like it’s going wrong. YOU. ARE. ALLOWED. I have to tell myself that everyday and it helps. What’s important is that you allow yourself to have the bad moment, or even the entire day, and then say tomorrow will be better. It won’t always be like this. Look at how far you’ve come. And I’m not pushing toxic positive vibes your way, I’m telling you this because it’s fucking true.
Like a caterpillar, I will come out of this cocoon, eventually, as a fabulous butterfly. It’s taking me a little longer but rushing the process isn’t going to do anything productive… I think.
you’ll live and learn and then come up the other side a bit more wise… live your life…
Song name: LIVE YOUR LIFE/ Artist: Nick Cordero / Year: 2018
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 