I wish I were pretty, I wish I were brave, if I owned this city then I’d make it behave… and if I were fearless then I’d speak my truth, and the world would hear this that’s what I wish I’d do, yeah… if my hands could open you’d see I’d take all these secrets in me, and I’d move and mold them to be something I’d set free… I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up, I want to change my mind, I want to be enough, I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time, I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground…
I wish that I could say that the time in my head has passed, but I’m still here, feeling all this bullshit. Feeling like my brain is just whirling around freely in my skull with no signs of stopping any time soon. That frustrates me because I don’t want to be this way. It’s just a constant fight with myself to be what everyone else needs me to be. And although I’ve built up some lovely boundaries, those boundaries don’t change the fact that shit still bothers me.
I have been seriously pissed off about all of the shit going on in this world right now. I know I’m not the only one and that’s reassuring. And I don’t want to talk about it too much here because literally everyone is talking about it. On every damn platform. I wish so badly there could be one place where we talk about politics, one place where we talk about vaccination and anti-vaccination and then a place where we can post beautiful pics of our families, friends, animals, vacations, all that shit. But it’s on all platforms and they all make me feel all the feelings. It’s exhausting.
I would love to say that I’ll just take a break from social media but I’m so damn addicted to it that I would have to taper off. That sounded absolutely ridiculous, but I know I’m not alone in this. It’s impossible to stop, or even try to, because I like seeing the good shit that social media has to offer. So it’s just this ridiculous battle with myself, hence all the issues…
I have a good life. And I have the ability to quit being such a shit head and cut the crazy down to a minimum. Today is just one of those days. I like the idea of instant gratification and that literally never happens. And the process to get to the end point never looks like what I imagined. So for someone like me, who is so fucking extra about anything difficult, it’s even worse. I beat myself up, I shut down, and every other self destructive thing you can do, I guess.
Unlearning behaviors and letting go of the shitty things you lived through is really fucking hard. I’m trying my hardest but some days I just can’t get there and I unravel. And you wouldn’t know it because I’m not a fucking sociopath, but inside it’s straight turmoil. And I need to work out all those feelings so that I stop it. So that unraveling is not my go-to reaction, internally or externally. And I’m getting there but there is still so much to do. I guess I get excited when I finally see a breakthrough and then when I revert back I just can’t handle it. The light is there, I can see it. And I know I can’t rush there, but dammit, I really, really want to.
I need to align myself with the person that I want to be. I can’t do that if I keep pushing myself back. I have been doing a lot of reading and listening about letting your ego go. I have all of these tools to help me and the ego steps in and says nope, you’re not doing that. How long can I self sabotage my own well being before I finally get it? That I have the ability to overpower the ego, and yet, I don’t? It can’t possibly be that I am choosing to live my life this way, but there is literally no one else to blame. Everyone in my corner wants to see me be who I want to be, so why don’t I?
I can do better and I will. I know that I need to stop listening when I hear the ego trying to step in. I need to stop standing in my own way. And I can keep telling myself that until I’m blue in the face, but until I actually do it, nothing is going to change. So, it’s a Monday and I’m gonna start right now. No more listening to the inner voice that tells me that I’m not smart enough, not good enough, not strong enough, etc. It’s all crap. And I need to be diligent in reminding myself that I am all of those things. I need to stop being complacent and careless when it comes to my growth. You shouldn’t have to stay stuck in a mental place you don’t even like. Especially when you’re doing it to yourself.
I have said all of this before, so I know not to put too much pressure on myself. The world is crazy enough for all of us. I know I am a good human so I just need to build off of that. We have the ability to start each day a little better than the day before. After the day I had, living in absolute panic for the entire day, I can do better. Most importantly, I want to do better. And that’s like, a big part of the battle, right?
and I always felt it before, that the world was filled with much more than the drowning soul I’ve learned to be, I just need the rain to remind me… I want to darken in the skies, open the floodgates up, I want to change my mind, I want to be enough, I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time, I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground…
Song name: LET THE RAIN/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2010
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 