ORPHEUS

I know you miss the world, the one you knew, the one where everything made sense because you didn’t know the truth… that’s how it works, ’til the bottom drops out and you learn we’re all just hunters seeking solid ground…

I have been working my way out of this mental hole that has consumed me for the last few weeks. It’s like, an insane amount of work. I have days where I am pumped to get started and keep it going. And some days I physically cannot remove myself from the couch. Depression and Anxiety are the mental health Mean Girls. Regina George and Gretchen Wieners have nothing on Depression and Anxiety. Depression was never at the forefront of my existence. Anxiety always took the lead. With all the healing and spiritual stuff that I’ve been doing, I’m way more aware of the depression. I am aware of all the signs and symptoms. And now I know when my body is giving me signs to chill. And that I can’t do anything but chill when I see those signs.

I never paid attention to myself. I never gave myself the attention that it needed which is why I’m in this mental place right now. It was always easier to give my whole self to others and try to help them before I would help myself. I have never put myself first, it’s still a weird concept for me. I don’t do it unless I absolutely have to. I have been working on setting boundaries, even if I don’t speak them out loud. I know, in my brain, what needs to be done so that I can function, so I respond differently than I normally would for my own sanity. I don’t outright say I’M SETTING BOUNDARIES RIGHT NOW PLEASE SHUT UP. That’s rude and has nothing to do with the other person. So, I respond differently. And the people who have taken advantage of me and/or used me for their own agenda have noticed. What’s wrong with you?

I love that question. What’s wrong with you? I can’t wrap my brain around someone having the audacity to ask you a question like that. As if life isn’t fucking hard enough! Nothing is wrong with me. I’m just feeling my damn feelings. And I guess that’s what really grinds my gears… I let you feel all your damn feelings, why is it I problem when I do it? When you have made yourself emotionally available for everyone and never yourself, and then you try to give yourself an inch, it’s a problem. Because you’ve always been there and maybe they never realized how much they took your emotional availability for granted. And I’m not saying you need to cut them off, unless you absolutely have to, but you need to be able to give yourself some time and attention.

The last 6 months have been weird but enlightening. I never wanted to pay attention to myself but I’m at the point now where my body won’t let me ignore it. I started listening to myself briefly and my body is eating it up. It got a taste of the attention and now will not accept anything less. I’m hyper aware of everything around me and I don’t really mind it. It’s weird having this enlightening experience and not really knowing where it’s taking me. I’m just trying to be more patient with myself. I have moments of impatience, but I can pinpoint what’s triggering me and flip it. I know that old habits die hard and I just need to keep working on shifting my thoughts. I have gotten really down on myself and let myself feel like a failure for, like, my entire life so that’s something that needs the most work. The feeling doesn’t magically go away on it’s own. Even if you’re working hard to get rid of it, it creeps back in on occasion.

There is a light at the end of this mental tunnel that I’ve been living in. There’s always a light if you want to find it. And I really do. It’s taking me a little longer this time around because I can’t stuff the feelings down anymore. Being forced to feel them has been difficult, but I got this. I tell myself things like “you are safe”, “you are loved”, “you matter”, “you are not worthless”. I know these seem like really mundane things but if you tell yourself enough, they’ll eventually start to resonate. In the off chance that you feel yourself slipping back in to worthlessness, you have to remember that you’re not. Once you get to neutral with yourself, you won’t need the validation from outside sources. I mean, that’s always a plus, but it shouldn’t be your driving force.

If you’ve been reading along on this blog journey, I apologize for all of the time that has passed between posts. These last few weeks have been rough, but I’m making my way out. And I’m really proud of myself for wanting to move through it, feel it and then let it go. It’s taking a little longer than I would like, but I’m getting there. And I look forward to the day that I can look back and see that all of this is way behind me…

don’t stop trying to find me here amidst the chaos… though I know it’s blinding there’s a way out, say out loud, we will not give up on love now… no fear, don’t you turn like Orpheus, just stay here, hold me in the dark and when the day appears we’ll say, we did not give up on love today…

Song name: ORPHEUS/ Artist: Sara Bareilles / Year: 2019