ARMOR

what you didn’t do to bury me but you didn’t know I was a goddamn seed… you don’t scare me, I am of the earth… so tired of your empire, blind men only set the world on fire… sad you can’t see it, you brought the flame now here comes the phoenix…

Today I want to talk about armor and where it comes from. Where does your armor come from? If we are talking about personal life experiences (literally all I do on this blog) then we can all agree that we want to be the best version of ourselves and to do that we need some armor. I know that I wear different types of armor for different situations, but the base of the armor is generally the same. And I know I’m always wearing it, even when I don’t necessarily need it, but I feel like I do and I don’t think I’m wrong in feeling that way.

Armor, to me, is something that is earned. Your experiences, good or bad, create it. The things that I have experienced are nothing compared to what I have heard and seen others go through, but there were things that were shitty to me and just because they, maybe, weren’t as shitty as your things, doesn’t make my scars any less visible. How I choose to wear those scars and protect myself from getting more is entirely up to me. Just like your scars and your armor are yours to wear. No one can take them from you. And what’s really disturbing to me is that there are far too many people who believe they have the right to those things that, clearly, belong to you.

The last year plus has shown us that we can live in a virtual world. We heavily relied on all forms of technology to stay connected. Social media was our outlet and people used the shit out of it. Did they use it correctly? Did they maybe abuse it? I don’t know. Is there really a right way to use social media? I know FOR SURE that there are wrong ways. I saw a LOT of wrong across all the social media platforms that I use. And about a month into lock down I found myself digging my armor out of the closet and blocking, unfriending, and muting people because it was destroying my mental well-being. Here I was thinking that I wasn’t leaving the house, so what the hell did I need it for? Yea right!

I know that I am one very small person in this great big world. And I know that I’m emotional and extra to a fault. But I want, so badly, to be the change that I want to see in this world. The problem is that most of the time I am outnumbered. It’s discouraging and makes me never want to leave my house. Sometimes people say things to me and I want to say back “What in the hell made you think that I was the type of person you could say that to?” I have a handful of people in my life that don’t have the same ideas or beliefs that I do but we can have educated conversations about serious topics, we remain friends and maybe even learn some things from each other from time to time. And then there is the other handful of people in my life that I just can’t deal with because they’re too busy worrying about their online persona and they’re not worried about what they sound like in real life. And so I just distance myself because I physically can’t deal or be associated with outright ignorance and blatant disregard for anyone or anything outside of their existence. It’s just not who I want to be and doesn’t work for me anymore. I touched on this in my WAIT IT OUT post but I feel like we need to discuss it further. We live in a free country and a lot of people like to hide behind “free speech” when in all actuality, free speech seems like an excuse to be a fucking asshole.

I try to do the passive aggressive Instagram and Facebook thing where I post random quotes that touch my heart, or re-post something that speaks to me, but like really, what is that doing? I can’t even scroll through Facebook without my jaw being clenched so tight that I get a headache. So I just don’t go on. But then I do, and I get enraged and I’m like “why am I fucking doing this?!” There’s no FOMO here. Clearly I wasn’t missing out on anything that would benefit me. I don’t think I am better than anyone. I don’t feel superior to anyone. I just can’t get down with the idea that there are people who actually believe that we shouldn’t all be treated as equal human beings. Period.

I was ready to go to war last week when I saw a post that was so degrading and ignorant that I couldn’t believe what the fuck I was reading. The person who posted it was being such a hypocrite and that is ultimately what sent me into full on rage. It was something that had absolutely NOTHING to do with anything they have ever known or experienced, yet they re-posted it from some right wing-nut page with a comment about making the world a better place (uuuugggghhhh). Within seconds, I saw red. My blood pressure spiked, my face felt hot and my heart was racing. I gave it some time and I decided not to do the whole war thing. I thought about what would happen if I said what I wanted to say. Did I really want to start this knowing that I already didn’t have the energy to finish it? I played out all the scenarios in my head and not one of them made me feel any better. None of the scenarios calmed the shit storm going on in my head. Nothing I would say would make this person take down the awful post, which would have been the goal. I took a breath and tried to get some clarity. I don’t care if the person wrote me off for saying something, but fighting it out on fucking Facebook wouldn’t change a goddamn thing, so why should I engage?

I have had conversations with this person in real life and they have said awful shit in the past, I’ve disagreed, and they jumped down my throat. And I can’t even imagine the bullshit they would react with if given the time to type it all out. If I really want to be a cheerleader for myself, and eventually the rest of humanity, then I can’t respond to ignorance. They thrive on it. And sometimes they even do it just to get a reaction and see what shit they can stir up. Or they want their opinion to be validated in writing. Who has fucking time for that? Not me. I’ve tried in the past and I just can’t bring myself to do it, like ever again.

I want so badly for people to be compassionate towards one another, but I can’t teach compassion if you don’t want to see it. If you’re not willing to see beyond what you aggressively believe, then nothing I say can change the way you feel. I’m not saying I’m always right but when the fuck did everyone become raging fucking lunatics and experts of shit they read on Facebook? And so that’s when I make decisions to disassociate myself from it because I don’t want anyone to think, for one second, that I think that way. This is the world that we live in. Everyone is walking around with their soapbox ready to force you into submission. Your only job is to put on your armor and protect yourself from the nonsense. And if you are up for a fight, absolutely do it, I’ll even be here to cheer you on if you need me to! But if it won’t help you, please consider your options before trying to fight something that won’t make you better in the long run.

I feel like I live my life on the defense. I have tried to stop but every time I’ve tried, I got hit with a curve ball. And I fucking hate that. Someone is always ready to knock me down a peg. Say something that I think will help? Nope, shut the fuck up, you know nothing. And I’m over here like “aye aye captain, shutting the fuck up!” So I am always guarded. Maybe I don’t need to be so guarded, but too many life experiences have affected me negatively and this is where I am. I’m not even mad about it. Quite frankly, I worried that I would just continue to be complacent forever and ever. But I’m glad that I finally have a little something within me that is here to fight for my well-being. Because all I do is feel all the feelings and take nothing with a grain of salt, so my best life is lived on the defense. That’s where I feel safest.

I do my best to shield myself from a lot of unwanted shit. I have spent so much of my life getting blamed because it was easier just to take it than fight it. Or I was so bombarded with an unexpected reaction that I couldn’t get the words out to defend myself. I’m not fucking doing that anymore. I’m tired of talking on eggshells. I’m tired of letting rude fucking people talk to me like I’m beneath them in this invisible hierarchy that only they’re aware of. If you say something razor sharp and end it with “I’m just being honest” or “just saying” and then you see me rapidly blinking at you– it’s because in my head, I’m hoping that if I blink enough you’ll magically disappear.

We all allow WAY too much, whether we know it or not. I’ve spent my life being a fucking doormat for people to just wipe their muddy feet all over. I know that my abandonment issues from my childhood have followed me my entire life and everything I have ever done was just so I would be accepted. And I know that I’m not perfect, but I never claim to be. You’ve read a few posts of mine by now and know that it’s me against me here (hell, this whole entire post will clue you in on what kind of person I am). But it’s absolutely exhausting trying to constantly figure out what everyone needs from me and just keep pushing myself to the side or taking shit that I don’t deserve. That’s what my armor is for. My armor doesn’t reflect what you say to me back at you. That’s not how my armor works. If you hurt me, understand that going forward, you’ll never hear from me again. That’s what my armor does.

I have spent the last year surrounded by a tribe of people who continually help make my armor stronger and I hope that I can always do the same for them. I can’t give myself to people who want to try and break me down because they see my kindness as a weakness. I can no longer accept blame because it’s just easier than fighting for myself. There are so many things that have affected my mental health in such a shitty way that my armor prevents me from going there anymore. The fear of missing out doesn’t exist because it’s been replaced with the fear of someone breaking down everything that I have worked so hard to build. And I probably won’t ever be done building but I’m tired of working my ass off at shit that doesn’t help me keep building up…

my armor comes from you… you make me try harder, oh that’s all I ever do, ever do… my armor comes from you… you make me stronger, stronger, hand me my armor…

Song name: ARMOR/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2019