ESCAPE ROUTE

I’ve got a life out there somewhere it’s waiting, lined with palm trees and only new faces, if I could look past the present and get there, well baby, it’s worth a shot… just enough time to plan an escape route, I put my map on the wall in the basement, not quite a victory to run from your problems, but it’s the only plan that I got…

I am having a day today. Not a bad day, just a day. I slept like absolute garbage and it feels like the tendinitis in my right bicep is coming back (feels like a knife is stuck in my shoulder joint). I don’t want to go to the doctor to get a cortisone shot, that shit hurts, so I’m hoping if I take it easy it will go away (fingers crossed). Anyway, the general vibe of my day since I woke up has just been meh. I wasn’t awful to myself when I sat up in bed this morning, 25 minutes after my alarm went off, but I noticed that I just felt meh and just continued for the rest of the day allowing myself to be meh. I know I’ll sleep well tonight because I’m exhausted and I can start fresh tomorrow morning. That’s a new thing that I’ve been doing lately. Not to sound like a total douche, but I give myself time to feel all the feelings and then I just don’t let them destroy my whole day. Like, okay, you’re tired, this is normal, move on in your meh-ness.

I felt the need to write again today. Truth be told, I wrote another post last night but I didn’t publish it because I still need to reread it 4200 times and edit it, but I wanted to get it out of my system and onto the screen. It’s ready whenever I am. This was a different feeling though. I feel like all the meh bullshit of today led me here. It’s like a really strong feeling, so I’m running with it.

Over the last few months I have been learning about spirituality. I tried Reiki for the first time right before I turned 40 and everything about it piqued my interest. I haven’t written about it yet because I have been too busy rambling on about literally everything else, but it is a really big part of my healing journey. Talking On Eggshells is not going to be a blog all about spirituality, but if we are going to put a puzzle together, I need to give you all the pieces. So from time to time, the spiritual side of things will be sprinkled in. If that’s not something you’re interested in I absolutely respect that, but I was never really into believing in things that I can’t see and now I really do see things differently.

I wrote out everything going on with my grandmother in NO HARD FEELINGS and it’s been a rough road for her, and us, but the last few visits have lightened things up and that’s definitely a plus. When everything started spiraling in the middle of January I felt like I was losing my mind. My BFF suggested that I try Reiki. She went for a session with the most wonderful Reiki goddess and really thought it would help me. Dude, it like really fucking did. Like most new things, I had no idea what to expect. The environment was very calming and so, within minutes, my anxiety kinda melted away.

I have been to 3 sessions already (bro, I’m due for another one like, yesterday) and the feelings were different each time. The information was vast and eye opening for me. I am more aware of things that I never would have thought of. In one of my sessions, we spoke about using my voice to keep people safe or protect them. And I mentioned that the idea for this blog was percolating and I was thinking of calling it Talking On Eggshells. She immediately said DO IT. And I was like girl, seriously? And she was like YES. I had been searching for domains and hosts for it, had decided on one and backed out because it was way too fucking complicated. NOT SO PRO TIP ALERT: if something is advertising that it is insanely easy to use, it’s not. I got a refund, got discouraged and figured that all of that nonsense was a sign not to do it. So when I went to my Reiki session the next day, I was assured that no, the fact that I was able to back out and get my money back was a sign that I just needed to keep looking for the right spot. And so that’s what I did.

I know that this blog may seem like a little novice thing that a person you know is doing, but it’s a really important thing for me. I don’t like being open and vulnerable with people who know me. You read that correctly. At this very early stage, the majority of readers are all people who know me. And the responses I’ve received (all positive, thank you for that!) are from people who know me. It’s weird for me. I don’t feel brave or empowered. I feel like I am just putting myself out there so people can talk shit about me. And that was the main reason that I hesitated, so many times, and almost didn’t launch this blog. Afraid that people will think I’m insane (I mean, I am a little bit) and have ammunition against me. You have seen some of the things I’ve written here, I’m technically not built for this.

The thing is, since that Reiki session, all signs have pointed me here. And the support of the people who knew I wanted to do this and held my hand as I clicked LAUNCH was enough for me to do it. I hope that this blog reaches the people that need to see it. To see that they’re not alone in whatever they’re feeling. That is the ultimate goal. I’m not writing this so people who know me can feel like they have dirt on me and bring it up at inopportune times. I’m writing this because even though we all look like we have our shit together, sometimes we don’t. And I want to be here for those “sometimes” moments.

Anyway, I brought up the spirituality side of things because I was very aware of it today. I have been seeing sequences of numbers in my day to day life. Before Reiki I would have never thought to read into them. Last night I woke up at 12:34 am. I didn’t look at the clock on my phone at work today until I realized I was hungry and saw the time was 12:34 pm. I looked it up. The explanations made sense to me and seemed very specific to the way I was feeling today. The explanations seemed like they were talking directly to me.

I put on “Getting Younger” which is the after show for “Younger”. Side note: if you’re not watching this show, get on it. I have been watching it since it started 7 seasons ago and literally wait for it to come back every year. Anyway, I was behind a few episodes on the after show, so I went back to the ones I missed. The first one only had Nico Tortorella, who is the younger love interest, Josh, on the show. Normally the host is interviewing a few cast members at a time. The general tone is always very light and funny whenever Nico is on; a really chill and open person all around. I had the episode on, but it was like on in the background, and I was kinda mindlessly listening when I heard something that Nico said. I hit rewind so I could hear it again. Then I hit rewind so that I could type it out.

“I’m in the process of family planning myself and I have noticed a, (pause, babbling), I have already felt this energetic shift in ‘oh, I’m an adult now’ like my priorities are different. And it’s not just for my children or my future children, it’s for everything around me. And finally doing it in my own life am I able to recognize what has happened to Josh. You get older.”

I know that may seem like the most basic statement anyone can make, but it hit me hard and completely out of the blue. Yesterday I wrote this blabbering post about NOT planning because I don’t want to panic or let myself down, and here’s this 32 year old person, confidently saying that they’re family planning because they feel like an adult. And it hit different because I DON’T feel like that. I can’t even remember if I have ever felt like that in my whole life. And it made me think of myself in a way that made me cringe a little. What the fuck am I doing? I have absolutely NONE of my shit together. I financially spiral every. single. month. My husband and I have literally zero means to buy a house. 40 years old and not sure if I want to have kids? Like I have time for that! Guys, I know it sounds like I’m spiraling but this was a wake up call and it has me wanting to jump start getting my fucking life in order. Like, right this very minute.

I feel like I’ve just been spinning on this turntable, day in and day out, just kind of accepting what comes my way. And I titled this post ESCAPE ROUTE not because I want to escape my life. I want to escape this mindset that I have literally trapped myself in. It’s like I don’t want to succeed. I’m too scared to excel at anything so I just keep myself in the stuff I know because it’s familiar to me. But that doesn’t make it any less scary. I don’t like this cycle. I want better for me and my husband. I want to see us kick ass in this life, so why do I keep going in circles and wondering why I am where I am?

I was asleep on my feet today, but I woke up. And I have had moments before when I though that I snapped myself out of it. But I have a different perspective now, I guess? And I don’t want to be stuck anymore. For real, for real. This was not a test. I’m going to get a house. Still iffy on the birthing children thing, sorry not sorry. I know that I am a good person. I know that my husband is a good person. I know I don’t have to keep punishing myself for mistakes I made a million years ago and think that I don’t deserve a good life. Exploring spirituality definitely got me to peek outside the bubble that I’ve created. And I know you’re probably reading this thinking that I have completely lost my mind, but things have never been more clear.

I am still learning so much about how all of this works but for the first time I’m ready to embrace all of it. There is a lot of peace in thinking about all the universe has to offer. You just have to be ready to see it. I have lived in a blur for a really long time but I’m ready to do the work. The signs are all there, you just have to see them. That’s all for me tonight. I’m so tired but looking forward to a non-meh day tomorrow. Goodnight lovies!

all that’s in between a brand new life and I is time… but time has not been kind, it’s not been kind to me, it’s winding backwards… time has not been kind, it’s crawling by… so…
slowly… and if you try to find me now I’m in all the echoes that have faded out so I’m moving on ’cause I just want to feel for once that I belong, and that’s what’s going on…

Song name: ESCAPE ROUTE/ Artist: Paramore/ Year: 2013