WAIT IT OUT

where do we go from here? how do we carry on? I can’t get beyond the questions… clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed, it cuts me with every could have been… pain on pain on play, repeating, with the back up makeshift life in waiting… everybody says that time heals everything, but what of the retched hollow? the endless in-between? are we just going to wait it out?

Have you spent a lot of time living with regrets? Things you should have done or said? The moment passed and you missed the opportunity? I have heard so many people say that they regret nothing and that regrets only hold you back. I agree with them holding you back but I find it hard to believe that they have not one thing to regret… I mean, just say you have some but you don’t let them cripple you. I get it. If you are constantly going back in your mind and wishing you did or said something different then how can you move forward? For someone like me who is constantly worried about how I made someone feel, especially if it was bad, it is really hard for me not to live in what feels like a constant state of regret.

Now that I’m trying to only move forward in my life, I realize that it would be impossibly difficult for me to think that I have the ability to make everyone happy. It isn’t something that can always be done because we are all different. Our goals in life may align but we are all made up of different stuff. We process our feelings in different ways. Something that might make me really happy could make you feel like shit. Something I enjoy might be something that triggers you in a bad way or vice versa. And when you are trying so desperately to tie everything up into a beautiful bow, you realize very quickly that it’s damn near impossible.

My issue is that I only wish for really great reactions from people. When I get mediocre at best reactions to things that I tried my best on, that’s a direct hit for me. Down the rabbit hole I go, collecting regret, self-doubt and anxiety on my way down. I self-destruct and pick apart everything I did, wallowing in where I went wrong. Here’s the thing though, I don’t have to go above and beyond to make someone else happy. And if their reactions have always been mediocre at best then why would I keep trying to get a great one? Seems a little bit like I was doing it to myself…

I unintentionally set myself up because I have unrealistic expectations of people. I expect everyone to react or respond the way I would when I see that someone put time and effort into something. I want so badly to believe that I’m doing right or that they’ll do right by me. Searching for acceptance in every experience. And when they let me down or don’t do what I expected, it hurts me. That’s a deep rooted character flaw but I’m learning everyday not to expect anything from anyone. And maybe that’s not the healthiest way to go about it but I need to be able to protect myself. I need to be able not feel slaughtered by every disappointment. It is very much a part of life and you can learn from it for sure.

I realized recently that I have held on to every trigger from my childhood up to now. I don’t need a therapist to tell me that. When I’m triggered by a feeling, especially a bad one, I am transported back to the first time I ever felt it. I feel small, like I don’t matter. I really don’t like that feeling at all. I allow myself to feel small and wish I could disappear (like the meme of Homer Simpson backing up into the bushes). When people make me feel small I feel like an idiot for ever letting them know me. That’s a little dramatic, no?

Life experiences are the threads that sew us together and make us who we are. My experiences have made me super empathetic. I mean, I’m really downplaying it here because if I’m being totally honest, I’m a bleeding fucking heart. If you’re upset and, lord help us, it’s because of something I did, I’m going to lash out and cry. That’s not a YOU issue, that’s a ME issue. I never want to make someone feel the way that I have felt and when I do it unintentionally, I just want to disappear into a puff of smoke.

That’s a little extreme but it’s on my very long list of shit to fix. What you can do when you fuck up, whether you meant to or not, is OWN YOUR SHIT. Apologize if given the opportunity. Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it. Don’t say sorry if you’re not. If you own your shit and will die on that hill believing that you weren’t wrong, then do you boo-boo. Life is going to get very lonely for you. If we are all sewn together with different threads then none of us can truly say that we know what it’s like to be someone else. You have to take other people’s experiences into account. I’m not saying psychoanalyze every person you meet but to think that you’re always right and never wrong is a pretty bold statement.

Because I’m a bleeding heart I have been making it a point to see that life is so much bigger than me and goes so far beyond what I have personally experienced. Everything in my world is fine and as long as I stay grateful for it, I know I won’t turn into a miserable piece of shit. Listen, some people are just assholes. There’s nothing you can do about that. There are people who will force their beliefs, ideas, opinions, whatever on you with no valid information to back it up. They’ll stand at their social media podiums ready to push their thoughts directly into your face. There’s no need to engage. These are people who can’t own their shit and would never admit to being wrong, so why get involved? If you are the type of person who lives in a world of ego where only you exist, you will find, eventually, there’s no one left to preach your bullshit to.

So what’s this rambling ass post actually about? Don’t be a dick! HA! No, but seriously, you can live with regret without it killing you from the inside out. If you haven’t been given the opportunity to right what you feel was wrong you can stew about it until the opportunity to correct it presents itself. I know that there are a LOT of assholes in this world and you might be really close to some of them, but above all things, people appreciate kindness. So maybe you were stewing about something you felt was wrong and when you get a chance to say something they may act like it wasn’t even a thing. But the fact that you put it out there in a kind way can only affect them positively. And they may have not even realized that they needed it. You’ll probably feel like a weight has been lifted off of you and isn’t that a good feeling? Don’t we have enough shit to worry about?!

I’m not going to let regrets or disappointments take me down. I’ve come way to far to let that shit slow down my progress even more than it already has. If you know that you’re undeniable truth is that you are a good person then no one can take that from you. You can be strong without being awful. You can have your moments where everything feels wrong and still not be an awful person. Do some people deserve awful from you? YES. But just because they went low, doesn’t mean you go lower. There is always a place for you on the high road.

are we just going to wait it out? and sit here cold? look, you’ll be long gone by then… and lackluster in dust we lay ’round old magazines, fluorescent lighting sets the scene for all we could and should being in the one life that we’ve got…

Song name: WAIT IT OUT/ Artist: Imogen Heap/ Year: 2009