Broken hearts, broken homes and broken bones, secret love let me go, you know I gotta find my own way through mistakes that I can’t change… Because there’s beauty in every sin, every single black eye has some blue like the moon just before the sun shines, no I don’t believe in all the things that they preach…
Trauma has been weighing heavily on my mind. I hate talking about it but it’s something that needs to be talked about. I have been trying so hard to sift through the bullshit that swishes around my brain just so I can get a clear fucking thought, but some days are harder than others. The greatest thing that I came across in my healing journey was reading something somewhere a few years ago that said your body holds on to trauma in different ways and in different parts of your body. Do you know how wild that is? Let’s dive in!
When my husband proposed to me 3 years ago, obviously I was so happy. But not long after he put the ring on my finger my brain short circuited. And I put on a front for everyone around me because I knew everything was changing. Everyone around me changed. I was no longer me, I was someone’s fiance. I didn’t know how to be that and it scared the shit out of me like you would not believe. People only asked about the ring and the wedding and that was weird to me. I was going to be someone’s wife. Not just any someone, his wife. The best man on this planet (in my humble opinion), and in my head I was so afraid I was going to fuck everything up.
I had no idea why I felt that everything changed. I questioned why he would actually want to be tied to me forever. I was a mess and I felt like tying himself to me would only make his life miserable. That’s where my head was at. I felt that I would make a terrible wife and I thought that marriage would put these weird expectations on our relationship. I buried myself in alcohol and acted like an idiot and for what? So he would leave?! That couldn’t have been what outside me wanted so why was inside me acting like an idiot?
I discovered that I had a special place buried deep in my body, I don’t know where but it was in there, that let me believe that ultimately everyone will leave me. Abandonment issues much? So when I could no longer stand myself and my anxiety was through the roof, I came to the conclusion that maybe I needed some help. My brain was constantly like WHAT THE FUCK?! And I was like I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!! It wasn’t the best time for me mentally and I decided to try somatic therapy.
Here’s the definition from Psychology Today: Somatic therapy is a form of body-centered therapy that looks at the connection of mind and body and uses both psychotherapy and physical therapies for holistic healing.
I made an appointment, not knowing what to expect but absolutely knowing that I needed to do this. And I’m lucky that my husband loved me enough to let me go through whatever it was that I needed to go through for my mental health. Do you understand that literally NO ONE had ever done that for me? I was always too much, too dramatic, too everything. I am eternally grateful that he gave me the time and space to work through this mental hiccup.
There was a LOT of stuff to talk about in therapy. I was holding on to more trauma than my body could handle. Every 1 hour session had me sobbing. My therapist would ask me questions and I found myself stumbling on my words trying to find answers that when they came out literally made no sense. And she would look at me and I would look at her and her face was like “right?” and I was like “yea”. Sometimes she would ask me questions that would drum up all the tears before I could even think of an answer. Of course it stemmed back to my childhood. OF. COURSE. IT. DID. And I spent a lot of time in those sessions talking to the little girl inside of me that I had been ignoring for years. She was in there and she was terrified. Who knew?!
Just to be clear, I’m not here to blame my parents, I’m too fucking old for that. Eventually you get to a point where have to take responsibility for your own life. And that’s what I’m trying to do every single day. I was too young to remember when my parents split and all the bullshit that followed. For as long as Adult Me can remember my parents were apart. Maybe I blocked it out? Maybe our brains really don’t have the capacity to remember that far back? Maybe… However, if my time in somatic therapy taught me anything it’s that my body still held on to every feeling I ever felt and made me the mess of a person that walked into that office. Am I proud that putting a ring on my finger made me spiral and ultimately helped me find that out? No, not so much. But I’m grateful that I hit mental rock bottom because I could only go up from there.
Was I magically healed from my time in somatic therapy? No, I still have work to do. But it was a kick in the ass that I needed to get me started. And I now have tools to help me navigate through the ridiculous web my brain can weave. I still hold on to so much (ahem, see the last 2 posts) but I’m aware of the need to let go and that’s half the battle. I am determined to break that cycle. I listen to people with my heart and I can see their hurt when they’re acting horrible. I know it’s so fucking lame to say but hurt people really DO hurt people. I was one of them. Was I going right for the jugular intentionally? No. But cue the shame, guilt, etc. anyway…
We all fuck up. We are human beings and sometimes we are total assholes. We can’t help it. When you dig a little deeper to find out why you were a total asshole, well my friends, that’s a damn eye opener. You can’t close your eyes when you’re digging because you could jam the shovel right into your toes and lose one. It would be a disaster. So open your eyes and dig. Where does your rage, anger, fear, sadness, happiness come from? Most of it comes from life experiences, naturally. You find what makes you feel all of those feelings and you either run away or towards those things. My point is that even when you think there’s no reason for you to feel what you’re feeling, whatever that feeling is, there is a reason buried somewhere inside.
We look to our parents for unconditional love. They’re the ones who are supposed to love you no matter what. They are supposed to be the ones who show you how to do this life thing. But they’re just humans. And sometimes they really don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. They’re just winging it. But you put them on this tall, shiny pedestal because they’re your fucking parents. The truth is though, they may have been going through their asshole stage of life right when you needed them to developmentally mold you. Or their parents were fucking awful and as much as they wanted to not become their parents, they did because that’s all they knew. Maybe they didn’t have access to therapy the way we do now. Fixing your mental health is a fairly new concept and I know that people around my parents’ age and older think you’re a fucking quack if you actually want to go to therapy. So when you tell a parent (or both) and they look at you like you’re crazy, that’s like insanely helpful…
Above all things, I want to let go of the trauma. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. Unfortunately that’s not how any of this works. Ain’t that a bitch? The good news is that there are resources to help you wade through the shit. Not every resource is the right one and sometimes you have to do a lot of work to find what works for you. I personally tried a few and each one of them helped me at the time. And I know that my life was good but really messy and I didn’t get through it the way most people would. But I’m here now. And I have healthy relationships with the people who matter most to me.
Stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to be something that you’re not. Regardless of how people will feel or treat you. I learned that the hard way. For the people who matter the most to you, it won’t change how they feel. And if it does change how they feel, they’re not your people. If the people who don’t accept you happen to be your parents, you have to remember that you are here for a reason. They brought you into this world and they were supposed to be your people, but if they can’t do that for you, it’s their loss. You have to know that.
This was an insanely heavy post but I can’t apologize for it. I dug up some really awful feelings thinking about my faults. And it’s your choice if you want to bury all the bullshit. I just have no room for it anymore, so I go through my ways of getting it out. Am I the perfect wife? NO. But my husband wasn’t asking for perfect. When he asked me to marry him he just wanted someone he could walk through this shit show with. Based on past experience, I know I can absolutely do that…
Because we’re holding our own in a great big storm, and though we’re cutting it close we won’t let go… Oh no I can’t believe everything falling down around me, but now we’re holding our own and won’t let go… Holding our own in a great big storm, it’s a great big storm and we’re holding our own…
Song: GREAT BIG STORM/ Artist: Nate Ruess/ Year: 2015
TALKING ON EGGSHELLS 