UNCHARTED

Just me in a room sunk down in a house in a town and I don’t breathe… No, I never meant to let it get away from me… No, too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold, and I want uncharted…

I am going to be honest right from the jump. This post may be loaded and will probably be all over the place. This post is the first of many, the truth is that I don’t even know where to begin. But I promise that I will try to get it together as we move along. So for now, I’m uncharted (not mapped or surveyed). Side note: you’re going to notice that each post begins with a song, probably one that relates to the topic. Music quiets the crazy in my head and lets my imagination run wild so I had to incorporate it into whatever this is…

I have struggled for a long time with being able to speak up when it comes to how people treat me. I have always written it out in some way. And honestly it has been far too long since I’ve written anything out. I have been too busy overthinking everything going on in my life. Even the littlest things set me off and so I thought, maybe it’s time to get back to what makes me let it out and move on.

Lately, I have been hearing and reading things that are telling me to let it go. I know that the first thing you think of when you read that is Elsa, I mean, who isn’t thinking of her? Hell, I’m thinking about her right now. And it speaks volumes that a cartoon character is literally making ALL the sense right now. I’m right there with her, up on that snowy cliff, ready to build my ice castle out of magical shit. The movie is meant for the little ones, but really it’s mentally for the big ones, right?

Anyway, back to my “let it go”. I have a really hard time letting go of shit. I am an emotional hoarder. Thank the good lord no one can see what’s swishing around my gray matter right now. I mean, I can’t even keep up with it. I hold on to every single thing. And then I like to go back and relive it and feel all the feelings even if they’re garbage. And that’s not healthy. Like, at all. I need to be able to forge on and I can’t do that if I’m literally carrying everything with me. Things that don’t belong. Things that don’t deserve to hold a place in my gray matter. Things that are no longer relevant to the person I’m trying to become. Why do I do that? Do you do that?

While I’m at it I should probably mention that I’m not only an emotional hoarder. I would say that my collection of things in my apartment needs to calm the fuck down before I become an actual hoarder like you see on TV. I get emotional attachments to things and feel bad if I throw them out. That’s weird right? Like we bought a new dining room set and when it was time to put the old one on the curb for garbage pick up, I apologized to it and told the table that it was a good table. And then it started raining later that night and I felt really bad for the table. It was in pretty bad shape otherwise I would have sold it but still. Does anyone else do that?

Anyway, I hear it and read it all the time that life is too short. I don’t feel that way. When I hear it, I laugh. Life is not short. I don’t says things like “live life to the fullest!” and “you only live once!” I just can’t get there mentally. Not right now. There is too much emotional shit I’m trying to unpack before I can get there. Everything is too heavy. And I feel the weight of all of it. You can’t carry everything with you. It’s impossible. You are one person. Whatever it is that’s weighing you down, you have to let it go…

Easier said than done. I’m trying really hard to learn how. And I hope to share it all with you. There are a lot of ways to emotionally release the shit that is weighing you down. And you ultimately need to figure out the best way that works for you. Believe me when I say I have tried all the things and I’m still working out which way works best. I still don’t know the right way but I’m finding out what works for me. Sometimes it takes a few tries but you have to keep trying. For yourself. No one else.

This is new for me. And if it’s new for you too then we are in this together. And if this is something you are experienced in, well then I’m open to suggestions. I’m open to anything that will help clear the mind. This whole thing of “letting go” is uncharted for me but I’m fucking here for it. Maybe life isn’t too short but it’s too short to let stupid shit hold me back from being ME. Maybe it’s time to move the fuck on. Maybe it’s time to grab life by the balls and just do whatever you need to do. Either way, it needs to be done. And we can do it together. We can explore all of the uncharted shit together. There’s strength in numbers so I’ve heard…

So let’s do this. You. Me. All of us. We can do this and we will get there. Because, not for nothing, we deserve it. We deserve to let it all go and then move on. We are humans and we are fucking amazing. And we deserve all the good shit we watch happen to everyone else. I’m ready for the uncharted…

I’m going down, follow if you want I won’t just hang around like you’ll show me where to go… I’m already out, a foolproof idea, so don’t ask me how to get started, it’s all uncharted…

Song name: UNCHARTED/ Artist: Sara Bareilles/ Year: 2010